fic: come in closer (i want you to) [9a/?]
Chapter:ix: here in your arms - hellogoodbye/i like where we are, here
Word count: 9400
Author's notes: *falls asleep* Also, I'm sorry it's moving all so slowly.. :3
Soundtrack: here in your arms - hellogoodbye
At AO3
Jesse sits on Andrew’s bed, fiddling with his scarf, and watches Andrew as he locks the door behind him. They’re finally alone, safe, away from everyone else.
(all this desire)
There’s an hour or so until dinner will be ready.
(hunger)
Andrew leans against the door and stares at Jesse.
(cannot contain)
Jesse fidgets.
(too fast?)
“Hi.”
“To be continued?” Jesse takes his parka off but leaves the scarf on. He chucks it away from the bed.
Andrew gradually walks towards him and stands over Jesse, gazing down.
“We need to talk.”
(yeah)
“Can we talk later?” Jesse leans back.
(lust)
Andrew’s knees bump against his own.
(want)
He looks up at Andrew, who unfurls Jesse’s scarf and throws it to the floor, next to the discarded parka.
(need)
Andrew straddles him, resting his weight on Jesse’s crotch, on Jesse’s erection. He slowly bends down and brushes his lips past the hickey. Jesse groans.
“We really do need to talk.” Andrew murmurs.
(yeah)
Jesse says nothing and leans back even more. He gazes at Andrew’s lips.
(can’t think)
(those lips)
The weight on Jesse’s crotch gets heavier as Andrew lets himself go a little bit. He moves forward and kisses the hickey slightly harder; Jesse’s arms wobble. He can feel Andrew’s nose against his neck and Andrew’s lips on his bruise.
“Are we going to come in our pants again?” Andrew whispers.
(don’t know)
(but need)
(need)
All Jesse can manage is a low whine.
When Andrew grazes his teeth against the bruising, Jesse’s arms give out and he topples backwards. Fingers creep into his hair and Jesse can’t think, can’t do anything; Andrew straightens out on top of him and Jesse rolls his hips up, thrusting his erection against Andrew’s.
“Jesse.” Andrew’s breath is hot and consuming and wet and tickles his ear -
“Jesse.”
He moans in response.
The hickey hurts as Andrew presses against it, but Jesse is quickly discovering he has a sort of…desire for such pain and he remembers last time -
Andrew tightens his hold in Jesse’s curls and pulls so Jesse’s head is forced back, stretching the bruise.
(ow)
“I’m scared.” Andrew murmurs. “And your hickey is quite ghastly.” Jesse feels the sound on his skin, against his neck.
He moves his hands up under Andrew’s shirt. His back. Andrew kisses Jesse on the lips, agonizingly slowly, and Jesse reaches one hand down into Andrew’s pants, again, because he needs to touch…that soft…
(so much hunger)
Andrew whimpers into Jesse’s mouth and Jesse loves it.
(too fast)
He traces the shoulder blades he comes across, the slight dip between them, the change in shape when Jesse drags his fingers down the side of Andrew’s body, where his torso becomes waist and his waist becomes hip and his hip becomes… Jesse squeezes Andrew’s ass with both hands and relishes the feeling of them being caught between soft skin and tight briefs.
(yes)
Andrew rubs leisurely on top of him and Jesse loves it - the weight of a body moving against him, pressing against him…
(i’m scared?)
He likes this so much and he can’t -
(andrew)
- stop.
The hickey is burning and Andrew’s moving too slowly.
Jesse rolls his hips up and wishes he could take his pants off, but they’re not under the covers and maybe, they…should, oh.
Andrew rocks down.
Jesse needs this.
He slides his hands out from Andrew’s pants, clutching at Andrew’s hair and wrapping his legs around Andrew’s lower half. He clenches, pushing up.
Andrew’s body jerks. He whimpers, a soft scared sound.
Jesse does it again.
“Fuck.” Andrew pulls away and stares at Jesse.
Those fucking lips.
(need)
Jesse surges up and mashes his lips onto Andrew’s. They kiss but Andrew pulls away again.
“Maybe we should stop.”
(what)
Jesse clenches his legs once more and Andrew’s body jerks involuntarily.
“I’m serious.” Andrew’s voice is desperately quiet.
(oh)
Jesse becomes still.
“I like you, Jess, but I’m scared and -”
(moving too fast)
(already?)
(jesse is a coward)
Jesse grits his eyes shut and feels stupid. He lets his legs drop down.
Andrew climbs off him and Jesse’s eyes remain shut whilst he twists himself completely onto the bed, curling into the foetal position. The hickey hurts.
(what is he doing)
(don’t know)
Dumb.
(what)
Wrong.
(can’t)
Too fast, too fast, too fast, too fast, Jesse is a coward and he’s doing this all wrong and he doesn’t know -
(we really do need to talk)
Andrew curls up behind him. Jesse can feel Andrew’s erection poking into his backside and suddenly he feels so vulnerable, lying here, he feels so wrong and scared
(the little spoon)
like he’s misunderstood Andrew and misunderstood himself and Andrew’s erection is poking into him. Jesse trembles.
“Jesse, I didn’t mean…” Andrew’s arm wraps around his torso, tightening, pushing Andrew closer, pushing his erection closer and Jesse -
He stutters, “Please let go of me.”
(can’t)
(can’t)
“Jesse -”
“Please.”
He feels Andrew’s body move away from him until he’s alone again.
A minute passes.
(breathe)
(one)
(two)
(three)
“I’m sorry.” He hears Andrew say.
(four)
(five)
“Please talk to me.”
(six)
“My erection is going away now.”
(seven)
(eight)
Jesse uncurls completely and lies on his back. Andrew’s hand finds his.
(nine)
Jesse opens his eyes.
(ten)
Breathe.
Ten minutes pass in tense silence, until -
Jesse grasps Andrew’s hand tighter and turns on his side to look at Andrew.
His eyebrows are furrowed, his mouth is downturned and he looks… so anxious…
Reaching out, Jesse touches Andrew’s cheek and he can see Andrew visibly swallow, his head tipping back momentarily.
“Do that again.” Jesse whispers.
When Andrew swallows another time, Jesse slides his fingers down to Andrew’s Adams apple, and then back up to Andrew’s lips.
“Are you okay?” Andrew’s voice is shaky.
Jesse’s erection has gone away, he thinks.
(safe)
(with andrew)
“Yeah.”
Andrew rolls over to look at Jesse.
“Are we okay?”
Jesse nods.
“I’m sorry.”
Jesse shakes his head.
“What?” Andrew looks alarmed.
“No, I’m sorry.”
(you tell me what you’re feeling)
(i tell you what i’m feeling)
Andrew nods. “Can I kiss you?”
Jesse edges closer, so that their arms and clasped hands are pressed between their bodies. He wraps his other arm around the torso next to him and rests his forehead against Andrew’s.
“I’d like that.”
The kiss is gentle and innocent.
(i could kiss you forever)
When they break apart, Jesse feels Andrew smile against his lips.
“We’re okay.” Andrew mumbles, more to himself than to Jesse, Jesse thinks.
He pulls away, keeping a hold on Andrew’s hand, but returns to his previous position, lying beside Andrew.
(we’re okay)
“We do need to talk though, Jess.” Andrew says quietly.
“I know.” Jesse admits.
“When?”
(how gorgeous and perfect and wonderful)
“After dinner?”
(yes)
“Okay.”
They lie in companionable stillness. Jesse stretches, such that his shirt rides up. He goes to pull it down but his fingers are cold and he feels his nose twitch -
He sneezes.
And Andrew laughs.
He laughs and laughs and won’t stop laughing and Jesse feels a bit embarrassed because it was only a sneeze…
“Why are you laughing so much?”
Andrew sits up, letting go of Jesse’s hand. He continues to laugh, closing his eyes and scrunching his face up.
(what?)
“Why are you laughing!?” Jesse insists. He sits up and hits Andrew on the shoulder.
Andrew takes a moment to breathe.
“I don’t know.” Andrew chuckles.
Jesse snorts. “What?”
“Well, I’m laughing because you’re my best friend and I like you and I’m so scared it’s hilarious.”
(ah)
“And then I was thinking about the past couple of months and I remembered the look on your face when you were leaving Kristen’s and you had a boner and then you sneezed and I don’t know.” Andrew looks sheepish but Jesse feels relieved.
Safe.
Jesse smirks. “So that’s what you’re thinking about?”
And Andrew can’t even reply, his face just breaks into another grin and now he’s laughing again.
(you should laugh again)
(it’s a nice sound)
Jesse laughs too and he feels like an idiot, but it’s okay
(we’re okay)
because he’s laughing with Andrew. Jesse watches as Andrew reaches out and squeezes Jesse’s hand.
(so beautiful)
They stare at each other as they snicker, and eventually the laughter subsides.
Andrew coughs. “After dinner?”
Jesse’s face softens and he nods, agreeing, “Yeah, after dinner, Andrew.”
************
Andrew and Jesse make a big fuss about getting the futon and an extra comforter and pillows. They drag the futon from the closet next to Jenny and Roger’s room, all the way down to the opposite end of the hall and around the corner, to Andrew’s room, making exaggerated grunting sounds, as if the futon is extraordinarily heavy. (“Boys! Do you need help?” “No, we’ve got it Uncle Roger!”)
Now Jesse sits on Andrew’s bed, in his pyjamas. Andrew is kicking at the futon.
“Hey, you should show me your poetry.” Jesse says.
Andrew laughs but stops when he notices the expression on Jesse’s face. “You serious?”
Jesse shrugs. “Yeah, why not?”
“Uh, because it’s really bad and you won’t - it’s about - don’t worry.”
“Andrew, I’m not ‘worrying’. I just want to see.”
Andrew lets out a long breath and trudges over to his desk, where he picks up a notepad and pen. He’s in his pyjamas too.
Jesse scoots back and watches Andrew as he sits down opposite Jesse, fiddling with the pen. The notepad he hides in his lap. “Um, you can see it after we…talk.”
(yeah)
They’ve (Jesse’s) been putting this off for too long.
(coward)
“Okay.”
(just say it)
(say it)
“Andrew, I…”
(now)
(joe)
(be open)
Andrew ducks his head, but looks at Jesse through his eyelashes. There is a small smile on his lips.
(so beautiful)
(mine)
(okay)
“…don’t want you to like anyone else. I want you to like only me. I don’t want you to kiss anyone else or sleep in the same bed as anyone else. I want you to do that with only me.”
(say everything)
(be open)
(must)
“I’ve never liked anyone before, you know, so, um, I might be bad at this, I don’t know. You’re the only person I feel this comfortable with and it’s scary because I haven’t known you for very long, and I’m sorry for rushing you, if I rushed you, I don’t know. I haven’t really had sexual urges until I met you and maybe, uh, I’m making up for it now.”
Andrew chuckles and straightens his neck.
Jesse gazes at him for a moment.
(eyes)
(lips)
(hair)
(smile)
“I think you’re beautiful.”
And at that Andrew’s eyes widen, his smile turning shy. “Really?”
“Yep. And I want to date you.”
There. He said it. He admitted it. There!
(not a coward)
Andrew lunges forward, flinging his arms around Jesse’s neck. He knocks the hickey and Jesse gasps.
“I’m sorry! Sorry Jess! Gagh -”
“It’s okay -”
“Just let me -”
Andrew’s arms rest on Jesse’s shoulders, and he bends his head, twisting to tenderly
(he’s so gentle)
kiss the bruise.
“Why do you like doing that?” Jesse breathes.
Andrew kisses the hickey once more before pulling away. Jesse lets his hands lightly clutch at Andrew’s waist.
“Because I made it.”
Now Jesse waits.
“Uh, yeah. Okay. Jess, I know you just said, but - Can we? Can I…Can I do this my way?”
Jesse furrows his brow. “What do you mean?”
“Okay. Jesse Adam Eisenberg. I hope it comes as no surprise to you now that I like you. Like, I like you like you. And I like kissing you, and, um, being with you even if we’re not kissing or talking or anything. And there are a lot of things I want to talk to you about, still.”
His eyes glance down at his lap, though his fingers start playing with the hair at the nape of Jesse’s neck.
“I don’t know what I’m doing, really. I’ve never dated before. People act like dating comes naturally, but does it really? I don’t know. We need to talk about how fast we go, and stuff.”
“You kissed me in the change-room.”
“Yeah?”
“And then you made us stop before.”
Andrew blinks a few times before looking back up at Jesse’s confused expression.
“’You can hold yourself against me tomorrow, if you want.'” Andrew grins.
Jesse huffs.
“But I know. Sometimes I feel like I can do this, and I give in to my urges, and then sometimes I get scared about how…fast we seem to be moving.”
(yeah)
Jesse nods. “I agree.”
“Why did you tell me to let go of you?” Andrew asks quietly.
(oh)
“I…don’t know. I suddenly felt scared, I guess.” Jesse says this with a sigh.
“You scared me.”
Jesse looks down and smiles to himself. “We’re very good at being scared, aren’t we?”
Andrew chuckles. He moves one hand to cup Jesse’s cheek, careful to avoid the hickey. “I’m so attracted to you.”
“Why?”
“Oh. Um.” Andrew pulls away completely, and picks up the notepad in his lap. “Maybe what I wrote will help you understand.”
Jesse reaches out but Andrew stops him. “Wait. Before you do -”
Andrew leans forward and quickly kisses Jesse on the lips. When he returns to his former position, he stares into Jesse’s eyes,
(so serious)
and Jesse’s lips twitch. He resists the urge to smile.
“I want to date you too. I want to date you and call you mine and do things with you, sexual things and non-sexual things and everything… even if I’m terrified. Okay? I don’t know if this is a good idea or not, but I want to date you because I don’t want you to like anyone else but me. And I’m happy that you feel the same way.” He pauses for a few seconds and speaks his next words carefully. Jesse is staring into Andrew’s eyes and he is too mesmerized to blink.
“You’re my best friend, and I trust you. I trust that this won’t ruin our friendship.”
(that’s what)
(afraid of before)
(but no)
(won’t)
(can’t)
(won’t let it)
(make it better even)
Jesse slowly nods and his lips finally twitch into the small smile he was trying hard to keep off his face. Andrew returns the smile, a little cheeky.
“What?”
“You’re so romantic and serious.”
“Shut up!” Andrew flushes slightly.
(so beautiful!)
Jesse chuckles and lifts his arms, pulling Andrew close to him.
(awkward with hugs)
(not awkward with hugs)
He whispers in Andrew’s ear. “I agree with everything you just said and I trust you too. And you are beautiful.” Andrew sighs and is probably about to speak, but Jesse snakes his arm into Andrew’s lap and yanks the notepad out. He falls back, laughing when Andrew realizes what just happened.
“Hey!”
“Let me read it!” Jesse toes at Andrew’s squirming figure and lifts the notepad above him. He flips through it. There are scribbles and short pieces of writing on the first couple of pages. Jesse doesn’t think the writing is that bad. Sure, they’re mostly ramblings, but Jesse finds them sweet. Andrew’s attempted some longer poems later, one titled Who I Am which Jesse tries to read but Andrew has crossed out so much of it, it’s kind of hard to. Jesse can feel Andrew fidgeting at his feet, when Jesse turns to the next page and reads -
(oh)
(my)
JESSE
i like being close to you,
and feeling your hand in mine,
i don’t know what i’m feeling,
but i’ll understand in time
i like the way you bite your lips,
and the way you smile,
i hope you stay with me forever,
or at least for a little while
i like it when you talk to me,
when you get that sparkle in your eyes,
i’m sure i really like you,
even if we’re both guys
i like your laugh and i like your hair,
i like the way we kiss,
and when i’m lying alone in bed,
i know it’s you i miss
Jesse checks the title again and - yep.
(oh)
(forever?)
(andrew -)
(what?)
There’s someone writing on his ankle.
Jesse sits up to find Andrew scribbling on his skin with the pen. Jesse gazes at him until he looks up.
“You wrote this.”
Andrew nods, embarrassed.
“Is this the poem you were talking about on the phone the other day?”
Andrew nods again and looks down.
Jesse feels a little lightheaded. He shuffles up to be next to Andrew, and peers down at his ankle. Andrew has scribbled the word boyfriend onto the skin. Jesse watches as Andrew stares at his markings, and then slowly and deliberately writes Andrew’s above the boyfriend.
(oh)
“That’s what we are, now? Right? That’s what they call it when two boys date - boyfriends?” Andrew mumbles.
Jesse puts the notepad down in front of them, Andrew’s poem lying open, and leans down close to Andrew’s ankle, pulling up Andrew’s pyjama pants. He studies the ankle, sliding his hand up Andrew’s shin, over the light covering of hair. Taking the pen from Andrew’s limp hand, Jesse writes onto the golden skin of Andrew’s ankle, Jesse’s boyfriend. He considers what he’s written.
(jesse’s)
Andrew put his hand on Jesse’s back.
Jesse puts the pen tip to Andrew’s skin again, and adds, in smaller print, (mine).
He sits up.
Andrew’s hand slides off his back. He looks at what Jesse’s written, and then looks at Jesse.
“I guess I can be kind of romantic, too” Jesse shrugs.
Andrew smiles softly. He picks up the pen from where Jesse dropped it, and leans down to Jesse’s other ankle. Jesse squirms a little, because it’s kind of ticklish.
“Stop moving! Look, you made me mess it up!” Andrew whines and Jesse laughs.
When Andrew straightens, Jesse sees he’s written, albeit sloppily, (my boy) (mine).
“That’s a bit redundant, isn’t it?”
Andrew slings an arm around Jesse’s shoulder, leaning against him. “Yeah, but I wanted to get the point across.”
“So we’re boyfriends, now?”
Andrew nuzzles his face into Jesse’s neck - the left side - and hums. “Guess so.”
The sit in a comfortable silence until Jesse asks, “What do we do now?”
Andrew mumbles something but it’s muffled. Jesse jerks his shoulder and Andrew makes an aggravated sound. He sits up, rubbing at his eyes.
“I said, what do you mean? We do what boyfriends do.”
“But I don’t know what boyfriends do.”
“You know, we kiss, and hang out and, um, introduce each other to people as our boyfriend…Jesse?”
(ah)
(what)
(how?)
(now?)
“Or, you know, we don’t have to do that yet, it’s okay, Jesse, please look at me, open your eyes, Jesse -”
Jesse feels Andrew’s lips on his and he’s being pushed down and now Andrew is on top of him and he can feel his lips, those sweet lips of Andrew who’s his boyfriend and because he’s his boyfriend they should tell people but he can’t tell people because they’ll call him gay and he’s not gay or if he is he doesn’t know that yet and when will he ever know that? When? Who knows? What if he’s not gay? Is Andrew gay?
“Jesse, Jesse, Jess, it’s okay, I’m sorry, please.”
Jesse opens his eyes.
“Hey. We’re okay. We’re okay.” Andrew pushes Jesse’s curls off his forehead and actually blows onto his face.
Jesse squints. “What are you doing?”
“Calming you down, obviously.”
He blows again and Jesse’s nose twitches and no, Andrew stop, I’m going to -
Sneeze.
Andrew scrunches his face up.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Oh my god, Andrew, I’m sorry!”
Jesse tries to get up, to get a tissue or something because what the fuck, he just sneezed on Andrew - on his boyfriend (his boyfriend) - and that’s really not cool.
Andrew doesn’t budge though and instead, whilst smirking, rubs his face into Jesse’s and Jesse shrieks, rolling himself over out of surprise and oh. Now he’s lying on top of Andrew.
“You sneezed on me.”
“You just wiped it back onto me!”
Andrew reaches up and paws at Jesse’s face and Jesse snorts. He feels Andrew wrap his other arm around Jesse as Jesse tries to squirm out of his grasp, trying to lean away from Andrew’s hand but to no avail. Andrew laughs and then Jesse retaliates, putting his hands all over Andrew’s face and now Andrew’s squirming.
“Hey - quit it - ugh - no - ow.” Jesse flinches and Andrew immediately stops.
“The hickey?” Andrew mouths into Jesse’s hands.
Jesse nods and Andrew moves his hands away. Jesse slides his hands off Andrew’s face until his hands are pressing into the bed, Andrew’s head in between his arms.
“I’m sorry.” Andrew says.
“It’s okay. I hope it goes away before school starts.”
“Yeah.”
(yeah)
“That’s next week, right?”
“Yeah, Monday.”
That’s in less than a week.
(oh god)
(oh no)
(okay)
(sweet)
(no)
“Hey, hey Jesse. Do you want to get ready for bed now? There’s still something I want to talk to you about.”
(okay)
Jesse goes to nod but Andrew suddenly rolls them over.
Oof.
Andrew bares his teeth and grins down at Jesse, playfulness in his eyes. “How are you so light?” Andrew brushes his nose against Jesse’s. “And small.” Andrew kisses Jesse on the forehead. “I swear, I need to protect you from all the bad things.” He lets his lips slide down to Jesse’s chin where he smacks a loud kiss.
Jesse pushes Andrew off him. “I’m not small, you’re just taller than me. What are you - no Andrew that’s not - argh!”
Andrew has shoved his arms underneath Jesse’s body and is currently trying to lift him. “Stop struggling, I can do this.”
“No, stop it.”
Andrew pouts.
Jesse rolls off the bed and goes to brush his teeth, and Andrew follows him some seconds later.
“Can I try to lift you afterwards?”
“Why? Really? You’re weird.”
They brush their teeth. Once they’re moving back into Andrew’s room, Andrew says, “Because I think it’d be cool.”
Jesse takes the notepad and chucks it onto Andrew’s desk. He climbs into the bed and stares warily at Andrew. “Well, I don’t want you to. Not yet. I don’t know. Why? Um, also, is the door locked?”
Andrew’s eyes momentarily get bigger and he mutters, “Why?”
“What if Roger or Jenny come in in the middle of the night?”
Andrew sighs. He walks over the futon to lock the door, turning off the ceiling light in the process.
(darkness)
(can’t see)
“It’s okay. I’m here. Look, I’m getting in.”
Jesse feels Andrew slide in next to him. “I’m okay, Andrew.”
Andrew shifts closer to Jesse and Jesse instinctively turns to his side, draping an arm over Andrew’s waist.
“I just never know if it’s going to set you off or not.” Andrew admits. “I remember the first time, during Matt’s 18th, do you?”
“Yeah.”
“I totally panicked.”
“I’m sorry about that.”
Andrew’s voice is quiet. “What set you off? Was it the darkness? Or was it me?”
Jesse begins rubbing Andrew’s back. “Um.”
(want)
(claw at andrew’s body)
(what am i doing)
(lean thighs)
(sweet voice)
“I think it was a bit of both, actually.”
Andrew noses at Jesse’s face. “I’m sorry.”
“No, don’t be. Stop saying sorry, by the way. You’ve done nothing wrong, you know.”
Andrew makes a soft sound but says nothing.
“Why do you always say sorry anyway?”
Jesse feels Andrew’s hand creep into his own.
“I don’t know. I guess I feel like I’m always doing something wrong. People at my old school said I was too happy, so I tried acting sad, but I couldn’t really do it. And then people said I was too clingy, so I tried to stop being clingy, but I don’t really know how to do that. Like, if I want to talk to someone or see someone I’ll do what I can to see them, because I want to, you know?”
Jesse hums, moving his hand to play with Andrew’s hair. He’s so comfortable.
“You are kind of clingy.”
“Sorry.”
Jesse snorts. “No, shut up. I’ll tell you if it gets annoying. I don’t mind, actually. It’s nice. You’re nice. Ack, I’m tired.”
Andrew giggles and shifts his body even closer. “Can I ask you something, Jess?”
“Mmhmm.”
“How fast do you want to go?”
“You mean…like…”
“Sexually.” Andrew’s voice is barely a whisper and he sounds kind of nervous. Jesse opens his mouth to speak, but Andrew continues. “Because I mean, like, I’m a virgin and I like you but this is new.”
“It’s new to me, too.”
“Are you a virgin?”
“Duh.”
“And like, you’re a boy, and boys do it…differently.”
(pounding)
(ass)
(he’d take it)
“Obviously.”
“Aren’t you scared about that?”
(best time to have sex)
(comfortable)
(naked)
(talked about it)
“Well, I guess we should take it slow, because that’s the right thing to do, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
Jesse is silent for a moment, then - “We took our pants and underwear off that one time, though.”
Andrew breathes into Jesse’s mouth. “I know.”
(hunger)
NEXT
Word count: 9400
Author's notes: *falls asleep* Also, I'm sorry it's moving all so slowly.. :3
Soundtrack: here in your arms - hellogoodbye
At AO3
Jesse sits on Andrew’s bed, fiddling with his scarf, and watches Andrew as he locks the door behind him. They’re finally alone, safe, away from everyone else.
(all this desire)
There’s an hour or so until dinner will be ready.
(hunger)
Andrew leans against the door and stares at Jesse.
(cannot contain)
Jesse fidgets.
(too fast?)
“Hi.”
“To be continued?” Jesse takes his parka off but leaves the scarf on. He chucks it away from the bed.
Andrew gradually walks towards him and stands over Jesse, gazing down.
“We need to talk.”
(yeah)
“Can we talk later?” Jesse leans back.
(lust)
Andrew’s knees bump against his own.
(want)
He looks up at Andrew, who unfurls Jesse’s scarf and throws it to the floor, next to the discarded parka.
(need)
Andrew straddles him, resting his weight on Jesse’s crotch, on Jesse’s erection. He slowly bends down and brushes his lips past the hickey. Jesse groans.
“We really do need to talk.” Andrew murmurs.
(yeah)
Jesse says nothing and leans back even more. He gazes at Andrew’s lips.
(can’t think)
(those lips)
The weight on Jesse’s crotch gets heavier as Andrew lets himself go a little bit. He moves forward and kisses the hickey slightly harder; Jesse’s arms wobble. He can feel Andrew’s nose against his neck and Andrew’s lips on his bruise.
“Are we going to come in our pants again?” Andrew whispers.
(don’t know)
(but need)
(need)
All Jesse can manage is a low whine.
When Andrew grazes his teeth against the bruising, Jesse’s arms give out and he topples backwards. Fingers creep into his hair and Jesse can’t think, can’t do anything; Andrew straightens out on top of him and Jesse rolls his hips up, thrusting his erection against Andrew’s.
“Jesse.” Andrew’s breath is hot and consuming and wet and tickles his ear -
“Jesse.”
He moans in response.
The hickey hurts as Andrew presses against it, but Jesse is quickly discovering he has a sort of…desire for such pain and he remembers last time -
Andrew tightens his hold in Jesse’s curls and pulls so Jesse’s head is forced back, stretching the bruise.
(ow)
“I’m scared.” Andrew murmurs. “And your hickey is quite ghastly.” Jesse feels the sound on his skin, against his neck.
He moves his hands up under Andrew’s shirt. His back. Andrew kisses Jesse on the lips, agonizingly slowly, and Jesse reaches one hand down into Andrew’s pants, again, because he needs to touch…that soft…
(so much hunger)
Andrew whimpers into Jesse’s mouth and Jesse loves it.
(too fast)
He traces the shoulder blades he comes across, the slight dip between them, the change in shape when Jesse drags his fingers down the side of Andrew’s body, where his torso becomes waist and his waist becomes hip and his hip becomes… Jesse squeezes Andrew’s ass with both hands and relishes the feeling of them being caught between soft skin and tight briefs.
(yes)
Andrew rubs leisurely on top of him and Jesse loves it - the weight of a body moving against him, pressing against him…
(i’m scared?)
He likes this so much and he can’t -
(andrew)
- stop.
The hickey is burning and Andrew’s moving too slowly.
Jesse rolls his hips up and wishes he could take his pants off, but they’re not under the covers and maybe, they…should, oh.
Andrew rocks down.
Jesse needs this.
He slides his hands out from Andrew’s pants, clutching at Andrew’s hair and wrapping his legs around Andrew’s lower half. He clenches, pushing up.
Andrew’s body jerks. He whimpers, a soft scared sound.
Jesse does it again.
“Fuck.” Andrew pulls away and stares at Jesse.
Those fucking lips.
(need)
Jesse surges up and mashes his lips onto Andrew’s. They kiss but Andrew pulls away again.
“Maybe we should stop.”
(what)
Jesse clenches his legs once more and Andrew’s body jerks involuntarily.
“I’m serious.” Andrew’s voice is desperately quiet.
(oh)
Jesse becomes still.
“I like you, Jess, but I’m scared and -”
(moving too fast)
(already?)
(jesse is a coward)
Jesse grits his eyes shut and feels stupid. He lets his legs drop down.
Andrew climbs off him and Jesse’s eyes remain shut whilst he twists himself completely onto the bed, curling into the foetal position. The hickey hurts.
(what is he doing)
(don’t know)
Dumb.
(what)
Wrong.
(can’t)
Too fast, too fast, too fast, too fast, Jesse is a coward and he’s doing this all wrong and he doesn’t know -
(we really do need to talk)
Andrew curls up behind him. Jesse can feel Andrew’s erection poking into his backside and suddenly he feels so vulnerable, lying here, he feels so wrong and scared
(the little spoon)
like he’s misunderstood Andrew and misunderstood himself and Andrew’s erection is poking into him. Jesse trembles.
“Jesse, I didn’t mean…” Andrew’s arm wraps around his torso, tightening, pushing Andrew closer, pushing his erection closer and Jesse -
He stutters, “Please let go of me.”
(can’t)
(can’t)
“Jesse -”
“Please.”
He feels Andrew’s body move away from him until he’s alone again.
A minute passes.
(breathe)
(one)
(two)
(three)
“I’m sorry.” He hears Andrew say.
(four)
(five)
“Please talk to me.”
(six)
“My erection is going away now.”
(seven)
(eight)
Jesse uncurls completely and lies on his back. Andrew’s hand finds his.
(nine)
Jesse opens his eyes.
(ten)
Breathe.
Ten minutes pass in tense silence, until -
Jesse grasps Andrew’s hand tighter and turns on his side to look at Andrew.
His eyebrows are furrowed, his mouth is downturned and he looks… so anxious…
Reaching out, Jesse touches Andrew’s cheek and he can see Andrew visibly swallow, his head tipping back momentarily.
“Do that again.” Jesse whispers.
When Andrew swallows another time, Jesse slides his fingers down to Andrew’s Adams apple, and then back up to Andrew’s lips.
“Are you okay?” Andrew’s voice is shaky.
Jesse’s erection has gone away, he thinks.
(safe)
(with andrew)
“Yeah.”
Andrew rolls over to look at Jesse.
“Are we okay?”
Jesse nods.
“I’m sorry.”
Jesse shakes his head.
“What?” Andrew looks alarmed.
“No, I’m sorry.”
(you tell me what you’re feeling)
(i tell you what i’m feeling)
Andrew nods. “Can I kiss you?”
Jesse edges closer, so that their arms and clasped hands are pressed between their bodies. He wraps his other arm around the torso next to him and rests his forehead against Andrew’s.
“I’d like that.”
The kiss is gentle and innocent.
(i could kiss you forever)
When they break apart, Jesse feels Andrew smile against his lips.
“We’re okay.” Andrew mumbles, more to himself than to Jesse, Jesse thinks.
He pulls away, keeping a hold on Andrew’s hand, but returns to his previous position, lying beside Andrew.
(we’re okay)
“We do need to talk though, Jess.” Andrew says quietly.
“I know.” Jesse admits.
“When?”
(how gorgeous and perfect and wonderful)
“After dinner?”
(yes)
“Okay.”
They lie in companionable stillness. Jesse stretches, such that his shirt rides up. He goes to pull it down but his fingers are cold and he feels his nose twitch -
He sneezes.
And Andrew laughs.
He laughs and laughs and won’t stop laughing and Jesse feels a bit embarrassed because it was only a sneeze…
“Why are you laughing so much?”
Andrew sits up, letting go of Jesse’s hand. He continues to laugh, closing his eyes and scrunching his face up.
(what?)
“Why are you laughing!?” Jesse insists. He sits up and hits Andrew on the shoulder.
Andrew takes a moment to breathe.
“I don’t know.” Andrew chuckles.
Jesse snorts. “What?”
“Well, I’m laughing because you’re my best friend and I like you and I’m so scared it’s hilarious.”
(ah)
“And then I was thinking about the past couple of months and I remembered the look on your face when you were leaving Kristen’s and you had a boner and then you sneezed and I don’t know.” Andrew looks sheepish but Jesse feels relieved.
Safe.
Jesse smirks. “So that’s what you’re thinking about?”
And Andrew can’t even reply, his face just breaks into another grin and now he’s laughing again.
(you should laugh again)
(it’s a nice sound)
Jesse laughs too and he feels like an idiot, but it’s okay
(we’re okay)
because he’s laughing with Andrew. Jesse watches as Andrew reaches out and squeezes Jesse’s hand.
(so beautiful)
They stare at each other as they snicker, and eventually the laughter subsides.
Andrew coughs. “After dinner?”
Jesse’s face softens and he nods, agreeing, “Yeah, after dinner, Andrew.”
************
Andrew and Jesse make a big fuss about getting the futon and an extra comforter and pillows. They drag the futon from the closet next to Jenny and Roger’s room, all the way down to the opposite end of the hall and around the corner, to Andrew’s room, making exaggerated grunting sounds, as if the futon is extraordinarily heavy. (“Boys! Do you need help?” “No, we’ve got it Uncle Roger!”)
Now Jesse sits on Andrew’s bed, in his pyjamas. Andrew is kicking at the futon.
“Hey, you should show me your poetry.” Jesse says.
Andrew laughs but stops when he notices the expression on Jesse’s face. “You serious?”
Jesse shrugs. “Yeah, why not?”
“Uh, because it’s really bad and you won’t - it’s about - don’t worry.”
“Andrew, I’m not ‘worrying’. I just want to see.”
Andrew lets out a long breath and trudges over to his desk, where he picks up a notepad and pen. He’s in his pyjamas too.
Jesse scoots back and watches Andrew as he sits down opposite Jesse, fiddling with the pen. The notepad he hides in his lap. “Um, you can see it after we…talk.”
(yeah)
They’ve (Jesse’s) been putting this off for too long.
(coward)
“Okay.”
(just say it)
(say it)
“Andrew, I…”
(now)
(joe)
(be open)
Andrew ducks his head, but looks at Jesse through his eyelashes. There is a small smile on his lips.
(so beautiful)
(mine)
(okay)
“…don’t want you to like anyone else. I want you to like only me. I don’t want you to kiss anyone else or sleep in the same bed as anyone else. I want you to do that with only me.”
(say everything)
(be open)
(must)
“I’ve never liked anyone before, you know, so, um, I might be bad at this, I don’t know. You’re the only person I feel this comfortable with and it’s scary because I haven’t known you for very long, and I’m sorry for rushing you, if I rushed you, I don’t know. I haven’t really had sexual urges until I met you and maybe, uh, I’m making up for it now.”
Andrew chuckles and straightens his neck.
Jesse gazes at him for a moment.
(eyes)
(lips)
(hair)
(smile)
“I think you’re beautiful.”
And at that Andrew’s eyes widen, his smile turning shy. “Really?”
“Yep. And I want to date you.”
There. He said it. He admitted it. There!
(not a coward)
Andrew lunges forward, flinging his arms around Jesse’s neck. He knocks the hickey and Jesse gasps.
“I’m sorry! Sorry Jess! Gagh -”
“It’s okay -”
“Just let me -”
Andrew’s arms rest on Jesse’s shoulders, and he bends his head, twisting to tenderly
(he’s so gentle)
kiss the bruise.
“Why do you like doing that?” Jesse breathes.
Andrew kisses the hickey once more before pulling away. Jesse lets his hands lightly clutch at Andrew’s waist.
“Because I made it.”
Now Jesse waits.
“Uh, yeah. Okay. Jess, I know you just said, but - Can we? Can I…Can I do this my way?”
Jesse furrows his brow. “What do you mean?”
“Okay. Jesse Adam Eisenberg. I hope it comes as no surprise to you now that I like you. Like, I like you like you. And I like kissing you, and, um, being with you even if we’re not kissing or talking or anything. And there are a lot of things I want to talk to you about, still.”
His eyes glance down at his lap, though his fingers start playing with the hair at the nape of Jesse’s neck.
“I don’t know what I’m doing, really. I’ve never dated before. People act like dating comes naturally, but does it really? I don’t know. We need to talk about how fast we go, and stuff.”
“You kissed me in the change-room.”
“Yeah?”
“And then you made us stop before.”
Andrew blinks a few times before looking back up at Jesse’s confused expression.
“’You can hold yourself against me tomorrow, if you want.'” Andrew grins.
Jesse huffs.
“But I know. Sometimes I feel like I can do this, and I give in to my urges, and then sometimes I get scared about how…fast we seem to be moving.”
(yeah)
Jesse nods. “I agree.”
“Why did you tell me to let go of you?” Andrew asks quietly.
(oh)
“I…don’t know. I suddenly felt scared, I guess.” Jesse says this with a sigh.
“You scared me.”
Jesse looks down and smiles to himself. “We’re very good at being scared, aren’t we?”
Andrew chuckles. He moves one hand to cup Jesse’s cheek, careful to avoid the hickey. “I’m so attracted to you.”
“Why?”
“Oh. Um.” Andrew pulls away completely, and picks up the notepad in his lap. “Maybe what I wrote will help you understand.”
Jesse reaches out but Andrew stops him. “Wait. Before you do -”
Andrew leans forward and quickly kisses Jesse on the lips. When he returns to his former position, he stares into Jesse’s eyes,
(so serious)
and Jesse’s lips twitch. He resists the urge to smile.
“I want to date you too. I want to date you and call you mine and do things with you, sexual things and non-sexual things and everything… even if I’m terrified. Okay? I don’t know if this is a good idea or not, but I want to date you because I don’t want you to like anyone else but me. And I’m happy that you feel the same way.” He pauses for a few seconds and speaks his next words carefully. Jesse is staring into Andrew’s eyes and he is too mesmerized to blink.
“You’re my best friend, and I trust you. I trust that this won’t ruin our friendship.”
(that’s what)
(afraid of before)
(but no)
(won’t)
(can’t)
(won’t let it)
(make it better even)
Jesse slowly nods and his lips finally twitch into the small smile he was trying hard to keep off his face. Andrew returns the smile, a little cheeky.
“What?”
“You’re so romantic and serious.”
“Shut up!” Andrew flushes slightly.
(so beautiful!)
Jesse chuckles and lifts his arms, pulling Andrew close to him.
(awkward with hugs)
(not awkward with hugs)
He whispers in Andrew’s ear. “I agree with everything you just said and I trust you too. And you are beautiful.” Andrew sighs and is probably about to speak, but Jesse snakes his arm into Andrew’s lap and yanks the notepad out. He falls back, laughing when Andrew realizes what just happened.
“Hey!”
“Let me read it!” Jesse toes at Andrew’s squirming figure and lifts the notepad above him. He flips through it. There are scribbles and short pieces of writing on the first couple of pages. Jesse doesn’t think the writing is that bad. Sure, they’re mostly ramblings, but Jesse finds them sweet. Andrew’s attempted some longer poems later, one titled Who I Am which Jesse tries to read but Andrew has crossed out so much of it, it’s kind of hard to. Jesse can feel Andrew fidgeting at his feet, when Jesse turns to the next page and reads -
(oh)
(my)
JESSE
i like being close to you,
and feeling your hand in mine,
i don’t know what i’m feeling,
but i’ll understand in time
i like the way you bite your lips,
and the way you smile,
i hope you stay with me forever,
or at least for a little while
i like it when you talk to me,
when you get that sparkle in your eyes,
i’m sure i really like you,
even if we’re both guys
i like your laugh and i like your hair,
i like the way we kiss,
and when i’m lying alone in bed,
i know it’s you i miss
Jesse checks the title again and - yep.
(oh)
(forever?)
(andrew -)
(what?)
There’s someone writing on his ankle.
Jesse sits up to find Andrew scribbling on his skin with the pen. Jesse gazes at him until he looks up.
“You wrote this.”
Andrew nods, embarrassed.
“Is this the poem you were talking about on the phone the other day?”
Andrew nods again and looks down.
Jesse feels a little lightheaded. He shuffles up to be next to Andrew, and peers down at his ankle. Andrew has scribbled the word boyfriend onto the skin. Jesse watches as Andrew stares at his markings, and then slowly and deliberately writes Andrew’s above the boyfriend.
(oh)
“That’s what we are, now? Right? That’s what they call it when two boys date - boyfriends?” Andrew mumbles.
Jesse puts the notepad down in front of them, Andrew’s poem lying open, and leans down close to Andrew’s ankle, pulling up Andrew’s pyjama pants. He studies the ankle, sliding his hand up Andrew’s shin, over the light covering of hair. Taking the pen from Andrew’s limp hand, Jesse writes onto the golden skin of Andrew’s ankle, Jesse’s boyfriend. He considers what he’s written.
(jesse’s)
Andrew put his hand on Jesse’s back.
Jesse puts the pen tip to Andrew’s skin again, and adds, in smaller print, (mine).
He sits up.
Andrew’s hand slides off his back. He looks at what Jesse’s written, and then looks at Jesse.
“I guess I can be kind of romantic, too” Jesse shrugs.
Andrew smiles softly. He picks up the pen from where Jesse dropped it, and leans down to Jesse’s other ankle. Jesse squirms a little, because it’s kind of ticklish.
“Stop moving! Look, you made me mess it up!” Andrew whines and Jesse laughs.
When Andrew straightens, Jesse sees he’s written, albeit sloppily, (my boy) (mine).
“That’s a bit redundant, isn’t it?”
Andrew slings an arm around Jesse’s shoulder, leaning against him. “Yeah, but I wanted to get the point across.”
“So we’re boyfriends, now?”
Andrew nuzzles his face into Jesse’s neck - the left side - and hums. “Guess so.”
The sit in a comfortable silence until Jesse asks, “What do we do now?”
Andrew mumbles something but it’s muffled. Jesse jerks his shoulder and Andrew makes an aggravated sound. He sits up, rubbing at his eyes.
“I said, what do you mean? We do what boyfriends do.”
“But I don’t know what boyfriends do.”
“You know, we kiss, and hang out and, um, introduce each other to people as our boyfriend…Jesse?”
(ah)
(what)
(how?)
(now?)
“Or, you know, we don’t have to do that yet, it’s okay, Jesse, please look at me, open your eyes, Jesse -”
Jesse feels Andrew’s lips on his and he’s being pushed down and now Andrew is on top of him and he can feel his lips, those sweet lips of Andrew who’s his boyfriend and because he’s his boyfriend they should tell people but he can’t tell people because they’ll call him gay and he’s not gay or if he is he doesn’t know that yet and when will he ever know that? When? Who knows? What if he’s not gay? Is Andrew gay?
“Jesse, Jesse, Jess, it’s okay, I’m sorry, please.”
Jesse opens his eyes.
“Hey. We’re okay. We’re okay.” Andrew pushes Jesse’s curls off his forehead and actually blows onto his face.
Jesse squints. “What are you doing?”
“Calming you down, obviously.”
He blows again and Jesse’s nose twitches and no, Andrew stop, I’m going to -
Sneeze.
Andrew scrunches his face up.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Oh my god, Andrew, I’m sorry!”
Jesse tries to get up, to get a tissue or something because what the fuck, he just sneezed on Andrew - on his boyfriend (his boyfriend) - and that’s really not cool.
Andrew doesn’t budge though and instead, whilst smirking, rubs his face into Jesse’s and Jesse shrieks, rolling himself over out of surprise and oh. Now he’s lying on top of Andrew.
“You sneezed on me.”
“You just wiped it back onto me!”
Andrew reaches up and paws at Jesse’s face and Jesse snorts. He feels Andrew wrap his other arm around Jesse as Jesse tries to squirm out of his grasp, trying to lean away from Andrew’s hand but to no avail. Andrew laughs and then Jesse retaliates, putting his hands all over Andrew’s face and now Andrew’s squirming.
“Hey - quit it - ugh - no - ow.” Jesse flinches and Andrew immediately stops.
“The hickey?” Andrew mouths into Jesse’s hands.
Jesse nods and Andrew moves his hands away. Jesse slides his hands off Andrew’s face until his hands are pressing into the bed, Andrew’s head in between his arms.
“I’m sorry.” Andrew says.
“It’s okay. I hope it goes away before school starts.”
“Yeah.”
(yeah)
“That’s next week, right?”
“Yeah, Monday.”
That’s in less than a week.
(oh god)
(oh no)
(okay)
(sweet)
(no)
“Hey, hey Jesse. Do you want to get ready for bed now? There’s still something I want to talk to you about.”
(okay)
Jesse goes to nod but Andrew suddenly rolls them over.
Oof.
Andrew bares his teeth and grins down at Jesse, playfulness in his eyes. “How are you so light?” Andrew brushes his nose against Jesse’s. “And small.” Andrew kisses Jesse on the forehead. “I swear, I need to protect you from all the bad things.” He lets his lips slide down to Jesse’s chin where he smacks a loud kiss.
Jesse pushes Andrew off him. “I’m not small, you’re just taller than me. What are you - no Andrew that’s not - argh!”
Andrew has shoved his arms underneath Jesse’s body and is currently trying to lift him. “Stop struggling, I can do this.”
“No, stop it.”
Andrew pouts.
Jesse rolls off the bed and goes to brush his teeth, and Andrew follows him some seconds later.
“Can I try to lift you afterwards?”
“Why? Really? You’re weird.”
They brush their teeth. Once they’re moving back into Andrew’s room, Andrew says, “Because I think it’d be cool.”
Jesse takes the notepad and chucks it onto Andrew’s desk. He climbs into the bed and stares warily at Andrew. “Well, I don’t want you to. Not yet. I don’t know. Why? Um, also, is the door locked?”
Andrew’s eyes momentarily get bigger and he mutters, “Why?”
“What if Roger or Jenny come in in the middle of the night?”
Andrew sighs. He walks over the futon to lock the door, turning off the ceiling light in the process.
(darkness)
(can’t see)
“It’s okay. I’m here. Look, I’m getting in.”
Jesse feels Andrew slide in next to him. “I’m okay, Andrew.”
Andrew shifts closer to Jesse and Jesse instinctively turns to his side, draping an arm over Andrew’s waist.
“I just never know if it’s going to set you off or not.” Andrew admits. “I remember the first time, during Matt’s 18th, do you?”
“Yeah.”
“I totally panicked.”
“I’m sorry about that.”
Andrew’s voice is quiet. “What set you off? Was it the darkness? Or was it me?”
Jesse begins rubbing Andrew’s back. “Um.”
(want)
(claw at andrew’s body)
(what am i doing)
(lean thighs)
(sweet voice)
“I think it was a bit of both, actually.”
Andrew noses at Jesse’s face. “I’m sorry.”
“No, don’t be. Stop saying sorry, by the way. You’ve done nothing wrong, you know.”
Andrew makes a soft sound but says nothing.
“Why do you always say sorry anyway?”
Jesse feels Andrew’s hand creep into his own.
“I don’t know. I guess I feel like I’m always doing something wrong. People at my old school said I was too happy, so I tried acting sad, but I couldn’t really do it. And then people said I was too clingy, so I tried to stop being clingy, but I don’t really know how to do that. Like, if I want to talk to someone or see someone I’ll do what I can to see them, because I want to, you know?”
Jesse hums, moving his hand to play with Andrew’s hair. He’s so comfortable.
“You are kind of clingy.”
“Sorry.”
Jesse snorts. “No, shut up. I’ll tell you if it gets annoying. I don’t mind, actually. It’s nice. You’re nice. Ack, I’m tired.”
Andrew giggles and shifts his body even closer. “Can I ask you something, Jess?”
“Mmhmm.”
“How fast do you want to go?”
“You mean…like…”
“Sexually.” Andrew’s voice is barely a whisper and he sounds kind of nervous. Jesse opens his mouth to speak, but Andrew continues. “Because I mean, like, I’m a virgin and I like you but this is new.”
“It’s new to me, too.”
“Are you a virgin?”
“Duh.”
“And like, you’re a boy, and boys do it…differently.”
(pounding)
(ass)
(he’d take it)
“Obviously.”
“Aren’t you scared about that?”
(best time to have sex)
(comfortable)
(naked)
(talked about it)
“Well, I guess we should take it slow, because that’s the right thing to do, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
Jesse is silent for a moment, then - “We took our pants and underwear off that one time, though.”
Andrew breathes into Jesse’s mouth. “I know.”
(hunger)
NEXT