fic: come in closer (i want you to) [6/?]
Chapter: vi: heartbeats - jose gonzalez/one night of magic rush, the start, a simple touch
Word count: 7700
Author's notes: SO, THINGS HAPPEN. also, excuse the ridiculous 'graphic', it's extremely late at night/early in the morning and oh my goodness, I just wanted to use that screenshot of Andrew's face!
Soundtrack for this chapter: heartbeats - jose gonzalez
At AO3
After dinner, Jesse works on a history assignment, but finds it difficult. His mind will drift to an image of Andrew’s face, he’ll get distracted, and then have to convince his penis to stay down. Jesse thinks it’s ludicrous. It’s absolutely ludicrous and Jesse doesn’t know how to deal with these feelings, now that he’s pretty much admitted them to himself.
So, he likes Andrew’s ass, body, hair, laugh, smile, eyes, feet, voice, legs, chest, lips. Come to think of it, Jesse likes Andrew’s shoulders, knees, back, neck, cheeks, nose, eyelashes, elbows…not to mention his actual brain, the way Andrew thinks and the sounds Andrew makes. Huh. Maybe he likes everything about Andrew.
Jesse stares at the assignment in front of him dumbly. So…he likes Andrew? Is that what it is? Well, that’s what you call it. Kristen likes Rob, JT likes Emma, Armie likes Elizabeth, Joe likes… someone, Jesse thinks. He’ll find out. Joe’s his friend, and he hasn’t exactly been paying attention to anyone as much as he probably should, not since Andrew came into his life… Right. Jesse thinks back on the past three months. Somehow he became friends with Andrew, and then Andrew became his best friend and somewhere along the way, Jesse started to like Andrew. But Jesse always liked Andrew. Jesse likes his best friends Kristen and JT, he likes Emma and Armie and Joe and he reckons he likes Rob too, even though he’s sort of a hooligan, and he likes Matt because Matt is funny, and he likes Carey because she’s sweet. And he likes Hallie Kate and he likes Kerri and yeah, he likes his parents too, and he likes his neighbourhood and he likes cats and old maps and the colour blue and he thinks he’d like acting. And of course he likes Andrew - everyone likes Andrew! - so why is this any different?
He leans back in his chair. A little voice in the back of his head jeers and hisses at him. It’s different because you want to kiss Andrew and touch him in his secret places!
But Andrew’s a boy! And Jesse is a boy! They’re both boys and if Jesse likes Andrew that must mean he’s -
Jesse’s phone starts blaring and he snatches it off his desk.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Jesse!”
“Hi Andrew.”
“Hi.”
A pause.
“How are you?”
Oh you know, fine, I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I want you.
“I’m well, thanks, how are you?”
“I am too - oh whatever, Jess, let’s stop with these trivialities. I miss you, Jess! You ran off pretty quickly today.”
Jesse flushes. “Yeah, I wonder why.” (please don’t ask about it)
Jesse hears Andrew laugh.
(that laugh)
“Well, I’m calling because I was wondering what you’re doing for the New Year.”
“Um, I don’t know.”
“Because apparently Mariah is having a party and we’re all going…“
No no no no no no no no!
“…says it’s bring your own alcohol and I know you don’t drink but…”
Jesse squeezes his eyes shut.
“…Kristen warned that you probably wouldn’t come but no one would tell me why…”
Breathe, it’s okay, you can just say no.
“…accompany me anyway?”
“No.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, sorry, but no, I don’t want to - I don’t want. I can’t. No.”
Jesse breathes heavily and opens his eyes to stare blankly at his desk.
“Well that’s all right! What do you want to do instead?”
“What?”
“Do you want to come over? We can have our own party!”
“What?”
Jesse swears he can hear Andrew frown. “Unless, you know, you’d rather be a hermit - you’re a lovely hermit, by the way - and stay at your house and reread Crime and Punishment for the umpteenth time, I’d understand -“
“No, Andrew, I mean, what? Like, what? You’d throw a party at yours instead?”
(lovely hermit?)
Andrew sighs patiently. “I mean, Jess, that you can come over to my house and we can hang out by ourselves. No party. No alcohol. Just you and me.”
(just you and me)
Something in Jesse’s belly starts to stir. If Jesse was a girl, which he isn’t, and if he told Kristen about this stirring in his belly, which he’s not going to,
(yet)
(no)
she’d probably say they were butterflies. And Jesse would say that’s absurd because the only organisms that dwell inside Jesse are his gut bacteria.
“Oh, oh, right, yeah, sure, sounds good, as long as you’re okay with it, you know, if you’d rather go to a real party…”
Andrew scoffs. “Why would I want to spend the New Year with anyone but you?”
“Maybe because I’m a loser?”
“No, don’t say that. You’re not. I like you. You’re my best friend. Hey, look, just come over to mine on the 31st and we’ll hang out and you can sleep over and it’ll be great. I have to go now. I can hear Aunty laughing hysterically and I need to investigate.”
“I’m listening carefully and there is definitely some maniacal laughter in the background. Okay, catch you later Andrew.”
“Yeah, see ya.”
Jesse puts his phone down. I like you. Andrew said I like you.
He smiles.
Cool.
(oh god)
************
From Joe:
sure ill meet u at park at 3
Jesse checks his phone again. Yeah, he said three. Jesse’s sitting on the swings at the empty playground. It’s the day before New Year's Eve and Jesse had only just managed to convince Andrew that they really didn’t need to see each other today, they were going to be hanging out tomorrow. That hasn’t stopped Andrew from texting him strange anecdotes about how his day is going, though.
It’s 3:19, says Jesse’s phone. He’s just about to call Joe when Joe appears from around the corner. Jesse watches him jog across the oval to where Jesse is sitting. He stands in front of Jesse, panting, in jeans and a t-shirt, even though there’s some snow sprinkled over the grass and Jesse can see his breath when he breathes.
“Sorry, I was going to text you, but thought maybe running over here would be a better idea. Mary’s home and she just wouldn’t stop talking.”
Jesse nods and Joe sits down on the swing next to him. Jesse wrings his hands and Joe coughs.
“So, what do you want to talk about?”
Jesse scratches at his neck. Okay, yes, Joe’s his friend, but they don’t usually hang out by themselves. But Jesse needs to do this. He’s been a bad friend and…he’s curious.
“Uh, how’ve you been, Joe? We haven’t talked for a while and I thought, uh, maybe, we….should.” This is going well. Not really. Ah god. Jesse scratches his neck again and glances at Joe.
Joe is looking at him with a quizzical expression. “Fine, fine. Things are well. But that’s an obligatory response, isn’t it? What’s really up, Jesse?”
“Nothing! Nothing, you know? Just the usual. What are you doing for the New Year? Are you going to…Mariah’s?”
“Yeah, yeah I am.” Joe knows about what happened to Jesse. “Oh, I heard that they’re going to do fireworks here at this park. Maybe if you’re not busy you could come here instead of being a bum at home.” Joe winks.
Well okay, there’s an idea. When Jesse says nothing they fall into an uneasy silence.
“Um, our friends have been…well everyone’s started dating recently…isn’t that…nice?”
Joe nods and says, “Yes…” whilst furrowing his eyebrows. However, Joe has known Jesse for years and thus also drawls, “Jesse, what’s really on your mind? Don’t bullshit me, ‘cause I know you well enough to know that there’s something else you want to talk about, and I’m open, I trust you, buddy.”
Well, here goes. “Iwantedtoknowifyoulikeanyone.”
“What?”
Take a breath. Say it slower. “I wanted, to know…if you like anyone…in that way.”
And Joe actually flushes and suddenly looks uncomfortable. Jesse quickly adds, “Only if you want to tell me, that is, it’s perfectly all right if you don’t -“
“No, Jesse, buddy, dude, it’s fine. It’s okay. I just…all right. Do you want to know?”
“Well, yeah. That’s why I asked.”
Joe looks down at his hands for a few minutes, saying nothing. Jesse sits on the swing and kicks at the ground.
Eventually Joe coughs and Jesse looks up, expectant. Waiting. Open. He tells himself that if Joe declares he’s dating a 40-year-old woman, Jesse would be okay with that and totally supportive. He smiles at Joe in a way he hopes conveys this information.
Joe’s smile back is uncertain. “Jesse, I’m about to tell you something, and I don’t want you to tell anyone, or freak out, or hate me, or call me names, okay?”
Jesse nods. Why would he, anyway? Jesse is not a mean person.
Joe takes a deep breath and quietly confesses, “Jesse, I think I’m gay.”
Jesse blinks. Jesse frowns. Okay, so he wasn’t expecting that. “What?”
Covering his face with his hands, Joe says, “Oh god…” But that isn’t what Jesse meant! Jesse stutters, “No, no! I mean! That’s okay! That’s cool! Great! How do you know?” Jesse is breathing a sigh of relief, in fact, because he might think - Well, perhaps he is - No, Jesse doesn’t know. Jesse likes Andrew, but he doesn’t know, if he’s -
“Well, wait. So you’re not…grossed out?”
Jesse shakes his head. “How could you think I’d be? JT used to be bullied about being gay all the time, even though he isn’t gay. If I was homophobic that’d be…prejudiced and horrible and wrong and…”
(hypocritical)
(no)
(yes)
(andrew?)
Jesse smiles genuinely at Joe. “I’m glad you told me.”
Joe’s expression changes completely and he stands up and starts laughing. So Jesse wasn’t expecting that either.
“What?”
Joe just grins at Jesse and looks up at the sky, spreading his arms out. Jesse can see the goose bumps on Joe’s arms and Jesse thinks he’s one crazy kid.
“Why are you laughing?”
The park is deserted and there is no one else in sight. The sky is clear, the air is cold; wind breezes lazily around Jesse and he zips his parka up further. Meanwhile, Joe is prancing around in front of him and Jesse feels clueless.
“What is it?”
Joe sighs happily and moves to stand in front of Jesse. “His name is Patrick. He has the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen, bluer than yours even, and he thinks I’m good-looking! When he smiles I’m just…you know how Armie said all those things about Elizabeth?”
(andrew)
“Yeah.”
“Well Patrick is all those things, and more. Okay, so he’s a little shy, which is why I don’t think any of you have met him yet properly, except for that time he sat with us at the cafeteria. But Jesse, Jesse, I think I’m going to ask him out.”
“Yeah?”
Joe gazes past Jesse. He can only imagine what Joe’s thinking and feeling.
(oh, but he knows)
(jesse knows)
“Jesse, I think I’m gay.”
Jesse laughs. “I think I got that, Joe.”
“No, you don’t understand how liberating it is to say that - to admit it! Except…”
Joe sits back down on the empty swing again. “Except, I haven’t admitted it to anyone except you and Armie. And Patrick. But that goes without saying.”
(no it doesn’t)
(jesse hasn’t admitted it)
(andrew)
Jesse thinks he understands. (he understands) “You’re brave, Joe.”
(braver than jesse)
Joe glances at Jesse and Jesse realizes how vulnerable Joe must be feeling right now. Joe ducks his head but reaches a hand out to Jesse. “Thanks, mate. Thanks, Jesse. Thanks. It’s a really good feeling. And I am shit scared and there are some days I’m not sure, but it makes sense, you know? I dated Marissa in freshman year, but it lasted for two months and we didn’t go any further than kissing because I didn’t want to. She did! She honest to fuck did, but I didn’t.”
Joe shivers and Jesse stands up. “It’s getting cold.”
They start walking across the oval.
“And then I met Patrick and it’s like everything fell into place. Well it wasn’t until I had my hand on my dick and realized I was thinking about those blue eyes of his that I actually understood, but still.”
(andrew’s eyes)
(deep)
(bottomless)
(oh)
Jesse laughs and they make it to the sidewalk. They stand before each other.
Joe grins again at Jesse and pulls him into a hug.
“Thanks, Jesse. You honestly have no idea what this means to me.”
Jesse pulls back and thinks yes I do.
They go to part ways but Joe says, “Wait, dude, hey, do you like someone? You asked and I forgot…maybe it means you like…”
(yes, yes)
(i fucking do)
(YES)
Bravery. Jesse thinks about Joe and how worried he was. He thinks about Kristen and Kerri and you know you can tell me anything. He thinks about Rob, Elizabeth, JT and Emma. Patrick, and what he means to Joe.
Jesse slowly smiles. “Yeah, his name is Andrew.”
I believe the expression is - Realization dawns on Joe. He opens his mouth, then closes it, then cocks his head, raises his eyebrows, lifts a finger, frowns, huffs and then gradually returns Jesse’s smile. He nods in understanding at Jesse, quietly uttering, “I’ve got your back.” They stare at each other in mutual agreement before turning in opposite directions.
Jesse has a skip in his step the entire way home.
************
They’re sitting on Andrew’s bed (like that one time when -) on New Year's Eve instead of being outside with friends, at parties, with family, celebrating.
Andrew’s uncle and aunty have gone off to some gathering with other adults, which include Sophia’s family and Jesse’s parents and Hallie Kate. Kerri is with her college friends and Jesse’s friends?
Jesse guesses they’re at Mariah’s party.
But Jesse…Jesse is alone, with Andrew, in his room.
It’s 11:40PM and they’ve been hanging out. Quite a curious way to spend New Year's Eve, perhaps, but then again, Jesse is different and Andrew is different, and that’s what Jesse likes about them. Except… sometimes Jesse will catch Andrew looking at him with a sort of sadness in his eyes and Andrew is (beautiful anyway) unhappy with Jesse, Jesse knows.
The night had started off so well. Jesse had arrived at around six, to an empty household save for Andrew trying to cook. They’d wrestled around in the kitchen and succeeded in preparing edible pasta for themselves. Thus the early hours of the night had been occupied with television, food, music and conversation. However, now that Jesse was aware of his feelings and somewhat acknowledged and admitted them to himself (not to mention to Joe as well…) it meant that every five seconds he’d look at Andrew and remember something he liked about him.
eyes
hair
lips
voice
smile
And then he’d feel either embarrassed about it, or worried about getting an erection because of it, or both. Likely both. This led to awkward pauses in conversation, conversation that would just collapse because Jesse would be too busy staring fervently at the floor in a bid to keep his dick down.
The thing is, for the whole night Jesse has been trying to muster the courage to bring up the topic of that night, but it’s kind of hard, you know? When you’ve been ignoring it for a while and the moment for talking about it has passed. Jesse has only recently admitted to himself that he has…special feelings for Andrew and he’s finding it hard to break out of their current places.
(what’s his place)
Jesse, the self-depreciating one, and Andrew, the perfect one - ‘cause that’s how Jesse sees Andrew. And Jesse will catch Andrew looking at him with such longing in his eyes, and Jesse hates that, because he doesn’t know how to fix it, really, without completely messing up what they’ve got right now. He tells himself it’s because he, Jesse Eisenberg, is an inherently awkward person, and he thinks back to when Andrew was only a stranger.
Maybe Andrew was better off not meeting him at all.
(it’s because jesse is selfish)
(selfish)
(want andrew)
(but can’t admit)
(to andrew)
Andrew is now sitting cross-legged on his bed, tapping away on his laptop and Jesse sits opposite him, a book in hand.
Jesse looks at Andrew’s bent head. He has tried hard to disregard what happened last time he slept over at Andrew’s. He pretended it didn’t happen, (but it did), or if it did, it was all Jesse’s fault, (it’s not a fault), and Andrew didn’t actually want to (but he did, jesse knows) and it wasn’t Andrew who actually kissed him first (but he DID).
Once Jesse went home, nothing ever happened afterwards.
(and whose fault is that?)
And now Jesse is here again and he has feelings but he is a coward.
(it’s easier this way)
(right?)
(but jesse likes andrew)
(he knows this)
Suddenly Andrew looks up with a twinkle in his eye.
(so)
(fucking)
(beautiful)
“Hey! Are there fireworks around here?” Andrew’s whole face has lit up.
“Um, maybe. Actually, yes. Joe said that they’re doing some at the park. Legal or not, I don’t know but -“
“Great! Let’s go, Jess!” He glances at his phone. “Come on! We only have like, 10 minutes.”
Andrew jumps off the bed and rushes to his closet to grab a parka. When Jesse doesn’t move Andrew mock-growls.
“Did you just growl at me?”
“Yes and if you don’t get up right now so we don’t miss the entrance into the New Year I will personally carry you there.”
Oh. Oh. That could be nice.
(what?)
“We’re not going to miss the entrance into the New Year, regardless of where we are, you know.”
Jesse stands up anyway and laughs and Andrew throws Jesse’s parka at him. Jesse tries to put it on but Andrew makes a fuss and says, “You’re not going fast enough. Here.”
He zips the parka up and then for good measure throws the hood over Jesse’s head and before Jesse can react Andrew has already run down the stairs and started locking up the house.
Once they’re outside Andrew kicks at the ground and looks around. “So, which way?”
Jesse starts to move in the direction of the park but Andrew is still not satisfied. “We’re not going to get there in time, I can tell. Get on my back.”
“What?”
“You heard me.”
“Andrew, that really is not a good idea.”
(oh god)
But Andrew is bending down and saying, “Come on Jesse.”
And Jesse is reminded of the time in the change-room at the public pool when Andrew had held a towel around him and acted like it was no big deal.
(jesse was basically naked)
Jesse goes to hang off Andrew’s back and mutters, “Okay, fine, but if you fall down and hurt yourself, don’t blame me.”
Andrew puts his arms under Jesse’s knees, clasps his hands together and stands up. Jesse yelps and then he’s off the ground. He instinctively wraps his arms around Andrew’s neck and Andrew nuzzles into Jesse’s arms, swaying a little under the weight.
(so close)
Andrew takes a few shaky steps and then a few more bold ones, before laughing and picking up the pace. Jesse squeaks and Andrew laughs again.
“Don’t run, Andrew! You’re going to slip.”
“There’s not that much snow, Jess. Stop worrying. You’re lighter than Hallie Kate, I swear.”
And that really isn’t possible but okay, now they’ve slowed down, and this is kind of nice.
(so close)
Andrew whispers, “Which way?”
Jesse slowly lowers his face right next to Andrew’s ear and when he tells him he feels Andrew shudder and okay, that was cool. Andrew’s hood is not on his head, and Jesse buries his face in the junction between Andrew’s neck and shoulder (like that time outside his house) and Andrew shudders and Jesse suddenly, he, he, Jesse, he, suddenly…wants…
When he brushes his lips against the side of Andrew’s neck, he thinks he hears Andrew whimper, and then he gently nips at Andrew’s ear and Andrew drops him.
“Oh my god, Jesse, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” He reaches down at Jesse, who’s fallen onto his ass, and it’d be nice if there was snow, but there isn’t, just concrete, and ow, that kind of hurt. Jesse takes Andrew’s hand and Andrew hauls him up, forcing Jesse into a tight hug.
Jesse pulls away from Andrew though and shakes his head, chuckling. In the moonlight, Jesse can see Andrew looks like he’s about to cry. “What?”
Jesse laughs and says, “We’re going to miss the fireworks!”
Andrew’s eyes widen and then Jesse starts running in the direction to the park, because he swears they only have like five minutes left or something, and he hears Andrew following him and in this moonlight, on this December night, Jesse is happy and they run to the park, and of course Andrew catches up to him, because Andrew is the boy at the swim centre who has lean thighs and is fit and looks good even if he has red marks around his eyes from his goggles.
They reach the park and oh, maybe they’re legal fireworks. There are some vans parked on the oval in front of the playground and there are adults scuttling around. Ground lights have been set up and the fireworks site has been fenced off, so Jesse and Andrew stand a bit off from where the crowd have gathered, and Andrew leans down to whisper to Jesse, “Thanks for bringing me here.”
Jesse shakes his head. “I don’t understand why you want to hang out with me instead of going to a party.”
“Well, you don’t really like parties, and why would I want to spend this time with anyone but my best friend?”
The way Andrew says best friend makes Jesse cast a sidelong glance at Andrew’s half-illuminated figure. “What about Rob, and Matt, and Carey?”
Andrew shrugs. “Sure, they’re my best friends too. But you’re…my own.” His voice trails off and before Jesse can say anything, the ground lights are turned off and they’re plunged into darkness. Jesse feels Andrew grab his hand and whisper, “It’s okay.”
Not that Jesse is afraid of the dark. He sleeps in blackness regularly, every night in fact, but okay, so sometimes it seeps into his blood and that’s when it’s not good.
But Andrew is stroking Jesse’s fingers, gently and tentatively, and everyone is holding their breath, waiting for the fireworks, and Andrew is holding Jesse’s hand
(like that time in his room)
and why does Andrew tremble?
Someone starts a countdown.
“TEN!”
“NINE!”
“EIGHT!”
Jesse tightens his hold on Andrew’s hand.
“SEVEN!”
“SIX!”
Jesse smiles to himself.
“FIVE!”
“FOUR!”
“THREE!”
Andrew presses himself closer to Jesse.
“TWO!”
“ONE!”
Fireworks.
And Jesse hears Andrew’s intake of startled breath as the fireworks begin - crackling and popping of spectacular reds and blues and oranges and purples and the light created fractures across Andrew’s face
(like that time in the morning)
and Jesse finds himself staring at Andrew instead of the fireworks. Andrew looks so happy and he whoops and cheers with the rest of the crowd and oh, okay, Andrew licks his lips (lips) and glances at Jesse and smiles.
(eyes crinkle)
(cheeks lift)
(soft)
(lips)
The fireworks continue - they get higher and louder and more dazzling and with every new explosion Andrew squeezes Jesse’s hand and Jesse? Jesse can do this.
Boom!
(he’s so beautiful)
Crack!
(he deserves everything)
Snap!
(want him)
Andrew is laughing and his laughter is infectious and Jesse is laughing too and Jesse can do this!
They watch the fireworks without saying a word to each other, simply absorbing the good moods of the people around them, and the brilliance of the sparklers.
Eventually the fireworks end and they start walking back home. “Happy New Year, Andrew.” Jesse smiles up at Andrew, who’s let go of Jesse’s hand now.
Andrew replies, “Yeah, you too, Jess, you too.” And he seems to get shy.
Maybe Jesse should be shy too, but he’s high on life, he decides. He’s got his best friend next to him, and it’s the New Year, and the moonlight capers around Andrew and Jesse is content.
(want)
(okay)
(okay!)
(yes!)
Jesse bumps his hand next to Andrew’s. Andrew flinches and laughs nervously. Jesse does it again and this time takes Andrew’s hand in his.
“What are you thinking about?”
Andrew huffs. “Nothing.” But he tightens his grip in Jesse’s hand.
“Really?” Jesse laughs. “How boring!”
Jesse can see Andrew’s smile but he doesn’t laugh. Why not? Jesse wanted to see Andrew’s neck arch and stretch and how else will he…?
“Why are you being shy?” Okay, that really was not meant to come out of his mouth.
Andrew shakes his head. “Ah…ask me that when we get back to mine.”
So they walk back to Andrew’s house, in silence, with Jesse swinging their clasped hands between their bodies.
************
They’re lying in Andrew’s double bed, on top of the covers, side by side, with the ceiling lights off but the desk lamp on. They’ve been lying like this since they got home 15 minutes ago, and Jesse had every intention to start that conversation
(the most important conversation)
but their friends keep texting them Happy New Year! and it’s off-putting.
After perhaps the ninth text, Jesse complains, grumbling, “Okay, I am turning my phone off. This is getting ridiculous.”
Andrew chuckles, and so the phones are switched off and discarded.
They lie in silence.
Jesse is feeling brave and courageous yet also really, really scared. He doesn’t know how to start this, and in fact, he wouldn’t even be telling Andrew except it was Andrew who kissed Jesse first. However, that was a month ago and things can change in a month’s time, can’t they?
He can feel Andrew’s body heat rolling off him.
Jesse fidgets and closes his eyes to distract himself.
(please not right now)
(not right now)
Andrew speaks first. “What happened?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why are you so scared about Mariah’s?”
“I don’t really want to talk about it.”
“Please, Jesse.”
Jesse opens his eyes and glances over his shoulder, to be met with Andrew’s imploring eyes.
“Jess, I consider you my best friend, and I think you consider me your best friend too, but sometimes it feels like so much between us goes unsaid...”
“What do you mean?” Jesse says quietly.
“I mean, I want to get to know you better, but it feels like you keep all the important, personal stuff to yourself.”
“I’m a private person.”
Andrew sighs and looks up at the ceiling again.
(open up)
(you have to)
(to tell him)
(must)
Jesse wriggles closer to Andrew until their sides are touching and Jesse is resting his palm over Andrew’s. This is safe. He can do this. “Mariah had a party in freshman year. I was drinking juice and I put it down to try and help JT, who was getting bullied by some juniors. When I came back to my drink, I took a sip and someone had spiked it. I had an allergic reaction to the ingredients in whatever the fuck they put in my drink, and I nearly died.”
He states this as if he was telling Andrew what the weather was going to be like that day, though his pulse quickens and he closes his eyes.
Andrew whispers oh and starts saying something about how he’s sorry, but closing his eyes was probably a bad idea, because now Jesse is reliving the moment in his minds eye again - taking the sip - feeling his knees buckle - convulsing on the floor because he couldn’t control his legs - hearing Kristen screaming -
(blackness)
(terror)
His blood becomes hot and his muscles become tense, he’s lying down but he is dizzy, why can’t he open his eyes -
Jesse is only mildly aware of the arm that is wrapping around him and tightening and the hand that is squeezing his, and the voice that is…whispering in his ear…
“I’m here, I’m here, I’m here, I’m here, open your eyes, I’m here, it’s okay, you’re safe, Jesse, Jesse, Jesse, Jesse…”
Jesse feels himself resurfacing and when he opens his eyes he sees Andrew’s cheek. “Hi.” He croaks out.
The cheek moves away from him and then there’s Andrews face, smiling down at him. “Hi.”
“Why do you even bother with me?”
“Because you’re unlike anyone I’ve ever met and I think you’re brilliant.”
Jesse blushes and Andrew seems to suddenly become conscious of the fact that he’s leaning over Jesse. Andrew lies back down next to Jesse and Jesse feels the loss of close contact acutely. Time to rectify the situation.
“You’re a boy.” Jesse remarks.
Out of the corner of his eye, Jesse sees Andrew frown. “Yes?”
“And I’m a boy.”
“Yes, you are.”
Well, this is it.
(go!)
“You kissed me.”
Jesse feels Andrew tense up completely and Jesse grabs Andrew’s hand. They continue staring up at the ceiling.
“You made me come in my pants.” Andrew retorts.
“You gave me your jocks.”
“Because you came in your pants too!”
“That’s true.”
“Am I ever going to get those back?”
Jesse smirks.
“No.”
Andrew snorts but when he speaks next there’s cheek in his voice. “You get erections because of me.”
“What?!”
“Don’t lie, I know. At the swim centre, and that time we went to the public pool? Not to mention that time on this bed and what happened when you left Kristen’s really quickly? Your pants were tenting!”
Jesse can’t help it, he starts laughing and Andrew laughs too.
(that laugh)
“I really like your laugh.”
Andrew turns to face Jesse and smiles. He pokes Jesse until Jesse turns on his side, too.
“I really like your hands.”
“What?”
“I like them when they’re in my hands.” Andrew raises their clasped hands and jiggles them around in front of Jesse’s eyes, as if to make a point. He drops them back to the bed. “It’s one of the only ways I get to touch you intimately without making a big deal out of it.”
“Boys don’t usually hold hands, you know.”
Andrew casts his glance downwards. “I know.” He mutters.
“So are you gay, then?”
Andrew keeps his gaze low. “I don’t know.”
Jesse looks at their hands, at their intertwined fingers. “Me neither.”
(go)
(say it)
There is a beat of a silence until Jesse says, “I know I like you, though.”
Andrew looks up and seems to search Jesse’s face. “You do?”
Jesse squares himself. Jesse is a coward, a self-depreciating person. For all his life he has welcomed predictable circumstances that have resolutions he can handle - if it is his place to be bullied, then he will be bullied, if it is his place to be a caring friend, he will try to be a caring friend. If he didn’t like the place he was in, it didn’t matter, because that was his place and he knew what he was meant to do - except now? Now he doesn’t even know - what’s his place? What is he meant to do? Is this what they mean by growing up? When comes a time no one tells you and you’re supposed to figure it out yourself?
“I know that I get erections, and when I try to get rid of them, I have to actually jerk off, and when I jerk off, I end up thinking about you.”
Andrew looks vaguely shocked, but amused. “Wow, Jess, that’s…nice.”
“And, um, I like the way you think and your voice and your smile and your laugh and I like when you hug me even if I pull away and I like other things about you that aren’t just physical believe me I’m not a superficial person I’m sorry if that came out wrong.”
Andrew covers his mouth with his spare hand and this isn’t going the way Jesse planned. Not that Jesse had a plan.
“But I watched gay porn for the first time and found myself comparing the big spoon’s body to yours and I reckon yours is better and I like you as a person but the voice in my head told me that because I want to kiss you too and touch you in your private places it’s much, much different to liking my family or Kristen. In fact, it’s very different to liking my family or Kristen because that would be absolutely horrible and wrong in so many ways and I’m just going to turn this way now.”
Jesse turns over and curls up, letting go of Andrew’s hand.
(what the fuck did he just say)
So Jesse isn’t expecting the body which flops itself over Jesse. Andrew squirms upwards and whispers in Jesse’s ear, “I think it’s very good that you want to kiss me and touch me in my private places, because I want to do that to you too. It is also good that you think about me when you jerk off, because now I don’t feel so weird about the fact that when I jerk off, I imagine your hands around my dick.”
Jesse rolls over and Andrew adjusts himself next to Jesse again. “I guess that’s good, because I actually think about your lips around my dick.”
Andrew squeaks and turns bright red. “Really?”
Jesse hums. That’s normal, right? “So does this mean you like me too?”
Jesse is anticipating a quiet confession, a nod, heck even a kiss, but what Andrew actually does is get off the bed and say, “Get up.” What? Jesse stands up and stares at Andrew from the other side of the bed. Did he do something wrong? Does Andrew not, in fact, like Jesse?
Andrew winks and goes over to a drawer in his desk. He pulls out a small flashlight and turns off the desk lamp. Blackness. “What are you doing?” Jesse says with some urgency.
Andrew turns the flashlight on and swings the beam over Jesse. “Get under the blanket.” He turns it off again.
And because Andrew has such an odd expression on his face, Jesse does so without saying anything. He clambers underneath the top blanket, laying his head on a pillow and pulling the sheet over the top of himself. It’s overtly large and pale in colour. Andrew climbs in after him and hunches in the space next to where Jesse is lying. It is dark underneath the covers, and slightly clammy.
“What are you doing, Andrew?”
Andrew curses, but manages to turn the flashlight on. Jesse blinks. Andrew smiles down at him and Jesse looks around the little space. It’s like a fort, except, well, it’s not, it’s Jesse and Andrew underneath a large blanket on Andrew’s bed, with a flashlight to provide light. The atmosphere is…tender, though. The glow from the light doesn’t reach all the cracks and corners of their makeshift hideout, it’s like there’s a vignette around Andrew, where his edges become blurry and fade into blackness, softening his figure.
Andrew shifts and whispers, “Can I sit on top of you?”
Jesse is overcome with wonder and can only manage a small nod. Andrew carefully throws a leg over Jesse and huddles over him. The blanket is large and the sides do not lift up. Andrew lightly sits on top of Jesse’s crotch and the weight there is pleasant, if not a little stimulating. Jesse stares up at Andrew, waiting for an explanation.
“You asked if I liked you.”
“That I did.”
“Can I ask why you ignored me after I kissed you last month and you proceeded to make me come in my pants?”
Jesse shuffles, a little embarrassed, but it only serves to press Andrew closer to him.
(closer)
“Come on, Jess, we’re being open with each other now.” Andrew presses his hands against Jesse’s chest.
“I tried to ignore it because I didn’t know how I was feeling.”
The space is small, it is clammy, Andrew is sitting on him. Jesse raises his shaky hands to rest them on Andrew’s face. This is the most intimate he has ever been with anyone. Well, other than the dry-humping thing. And perhaps the being basically naked next to Andrew thing. But this? This is a whole other level, because this…includes emotions…
“You made me cry.” Andrew says softly. And dear god, why is Andrew tearing up right now?
“I didn’t know how I was feeling. I’m sorry.” Jesse chokes slightly.
(he’s so sensitive)
(gentle)
(be gentle)
Andrew just stares sadly down at him and Jesse is actually about to do something crazy, like promise himself, or the world, to Andrew, but Andrew’s face pulls up into a smirk and Andrew, through his tears, starts laughing.
“What?”
“Your face! You looked so…dejected!”
Jesse whips his hands away from Andrew’s face and whacks him across the chest. “You fuck!” He turns his head to the side and starts pawing at the blanket in an attempt to get out.
“Wait, wait, wait!” Andrew suddenly leans over Jesse, grabbing his hands and pinning them above Jesse’s head. His head is inches away from Jesse. Jesse can see right into his eyes, past the wet eyelashes, and he feels he cannot breathe right now. There is only blackness, and Andrew’s illuminated face, like that time at Matt’s 18th, with shadows dancing across the most exquisite grooves of Andrew’s lips and nose and eyebrows.
(so fucking beautiful!)
“I really like you.” Andrew whispers.
Jesse nods.
“I’ve never…I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“Really? Because it seems to me like you really do know what you’re doing.” Jesse manages to stutter out.
Andrew exhales and ducks his head down, over Jesse’s chest, then looks back up at Jesse’s face. If Jesse leaned up just a little bit more, he could honest to god kiss Andrew.
“I really don’t, Jess.”
Jesse wants to tell Andrew that he thinks he’s perfect, but he’s finding it hard to form coherent sentences.
(eyelashes)
“What I do know, though, is that I really want to kiss you right now. But I need to know that you’re not going to ignore me after, even if you do make me come in my pants again.” He says the last part with a cocky smile, but Jesse can see the nervousness in Andrew’s eyes. Andrew can probably see it in his own eyes, too.
Jesse leans forward to try and kiss those lips, but Andrew pulls back. “Please tell me, Jess.”
(say it)
(say it)
(you have to say it)
(mean it)
(he deserves the best)
(say it you coward)
“I’m scared.” Jesse admits.
“And I’m scared too.” Andrew waits.
Jesse’s breath hitches. “I…”
(can’t)
(you can)
(you have to)
(can’t can’t can’t)
(frightened)
(fucking coward)
(you. have. to. say. it.)
And funnily enough, Jesse suddenly remembers Joe, and his sheer euphoria in being able to admit, to Jesse, how he truly felt about Patrick, and how brave he was in doing so. I’ve got your back.
“I’m scared…but I like you…and I won’t ignore you. And I really want to kiss you too, right now, except…”
It occurs to Jesse: “…I don’t know how to kiss.”
Andrew breathes a sigh of relief and inches his face closer to Jesse’s. “Neither do I, so it doesn’t matter! Besides, you were fine last time.” Andrew grins cheekily.
Andrew hovers in front of Jesse, obviously waiting for Jesse to make the first move this time, but Jesse waits. He’s been a coward for too long now.
“I really, really like you. And I’m scared, and I’m sorry for being such a shit and I really like you and you give me -“ (ah, what the heck) “-butterflies and I’m telling you right now I have no idea how to do this ‘liking’ thing because I’ve never liked anyone before and have I mentioned that I’m fucking terrified?” Jesse’s voice is hoarse. It breaks, it falters, but he gets the message across, because Andrew’s eyes widen and his expression instantly crosses over from cheekiness to absolute adoration and Jesse swears, Andrew’s eyes are sparkling.
It’s getting extremely hot underneath the covers and harder to breathe, but Jesse pushes up against where Andrew’s hands are pressing Jesse’s hands into the mattress and kisses Andrew, finally.
What a strange sensation kissing is. Andrew’s lips really are tender and this kiss is gentle. Jesse lets his head fall back down on the pillow and he feels Andrew close his fingers around Jesse’s. Andrew pushes against him, and they gently part their lips. It gets wetter. Jesse feels Andrew’s hair tickling him. He feels the softness of Andrew’s skin and the place where Andrew’s nose presses against Jesse’s face. Jesse has no idea what he’s doing right now - this isn’t some frantic slobbering and desperate need to come, this is a kiss that says I want you…in a sexual way, yes, but I think also in a romantic way, so I’m trying to kiss you tenderly to convey this information across. At least, that’s what Jesse hopes.
Jesse also is finding it very difficult now to breathe, and not just because Andrew is kissing him. He turns his head away from Andrew’s lips, which is, to a degree, a very hard thing to do, and coughs, “I can’t breathe.”
Andrew immediately sits up, letting go of Jesse’s hands and yanks the blanket off of them and Jesse sucks in a breath and heaves. Andrew presses his face down against Jesse’s again and apologizes in between placing kisses on Jesse’s nose, cheeks, forehead, hair, around his lips, and even on top of his eyes.
So maybe Andrew’s kisses have surpassed Crime and Punishment in his list of Favourite Things Ever.
Jesse nudges against Andrew’s cheek and feels Andrew smile against him.
“I can’t believe this is happening.”
“Is this why you went shy before, when we were walking home?”
Andrew leans back and nods at Jesse.
Jesse reaches up and, with his fingers, traces Andrew’s lips, then his cheeks, then his nose and then his eyes. He wipes the last of Andrew’s tears away, and Andrew leans into the touch, before leaning back down again and resting his forehead against Jesse’s.
“I like being close to you.” Andrew whispers. He shifts so he’s lying completely on top of Jesse and that’s when Jesse becomes aware of his hard-on.
Andrew becomes aware of it too.
“I’m pretty good at doing that, aren’t I?”
Jesse kisses Andrew instead of replying.
And it is good, it is nice, it is gentle, it is sweet and it is sensual, soft, slow.
It is scary.
(because of what it means)
(what it means…)
Andrew pulls away, only marginally, and murmurs, “I could kiss you forever.”
(it is scary)
“So why don’t you?”
Andrew kisses Jesse on his upper lip. “Because I’m tired and you have an erection and I have an erection.”
(it is scary)
Jesse pushes his hips up and yes, Andrew has an erection. “Can we get into something comfier?”
Andrew slides off Jesse, somewhat reluctantly, and moves to his dresser. The flashlight is still on, and the dim light it emits percolates through the heavy atmosphere in the room - the things that have been confessed, the small intimacies shared, the feelings that drip from their beings.
Jesse watches Andrew pull off his shirt and Jesse suddenly feels very shy. He picks out his pyjamas from his bag on the floor, and stands with his back to Andrew. What to do? So they’ve been swimming together, so they’ve stood naked (to some extent) in each other’s presence and so they’ve kissed and made each other orgasm without taking their pants off. He still feels shy.
(it is scary)
“Jess, do you want me to turn the light off for a minute?” Andrew’s voice is understanding.
Jesse nods without turning around, and he hears Andrew flick the switch on the flashlight.
(it is scary)
Just like in between PE class, Jesse strips himself of his clothing and changes into his pyjamas as swiftly as he can in the dark. He hears Andrew do the same thing.
“Ready?”
“Yeah.”
Andrew fumbles for a moment then the flashlight is switched on again. Jesse pads into the bathroom, followed by Andrew, and they brush their teeth in silence, ignoring their erections.
Jesse makes it back into the bedroom first. “Uh, Andrew? Are you going to get a futon? I can sleep on it, if you want.”
Andrew walks out of the bathroom, turning off its light and closing the door behind him. He says quietly, “I was hoping we could both share my bed.”
Oh.
Jesse hiccups and Andrew puts a hand on Jesse’s shoulder. “Only if you’re okay with that, of course.”
“Oh, no no, yeah, no, of course, yes, yep, yeah.”
Andrew chuckles and jumps onto his bed, crawling underneath his covers, he holds the flashlight and waves it around, such that the beam zips across the ceiling.
Jesse stands at the foot of the bed and gazes at Andrew. He’s so beautiful.
Andrew realizes Jesse’s watching him and blushes. “Come on.” He urges.
So Jesse gets into bed next to Andrew, and Andrew turns the flashlight off, chucking it onto the ground where it makes a soft pat sound.
“How do we do this?”
Andrew laughs gently and presses himself closer to Jesse. Their crotches, and thus erections, bump and they both flinch away from each other.
“I was just going to ignore mine, if you don’t mind.” Andrew confesses.
Jesse smiles in the dark. “Me too.”
“You’re not scared are you?”
“What, of the dark or of this?”
“The dark.”
“No, I’m okay right now.”
Jesse feels an arm tentatively snake around his waist and then Andrew’s warm breath on his face, perhaps as a warning for the kiss that he presses to Jesse’s lips right…now.
They kiss leisurely.
Andrew pulls away first and murmurs, “Are you scared of this?”
Jesse carefully wraps his arm around Andrew’s waist as well. “Terrified.”
“Me too.”
Quiet breathing, and then, “Happy New Year, Jess.”
Jesse smiles against Andrew’s lips. “You too.”
In the dead of night, in this room, with the curtains closed; on this New Year's Day, or night, or early morning, Jesse and Andrew sleep, curled towards each other.
(it is scary)
(but it will be okay)
(it can be okay)
part vii
Word count: 7700
Author's notes: SO, THINGS HAPPEN. also, excuse the ridiculous 'graphic', it's extremely late at night/early in the morning and oh my goodness, I just wanted to use that screenshot of Andrew's face!
Soundtrack for this chapter: heartbeats - jose gonzalez
At AO3
After dinner, Jesse works on a history assignment, but finds it difficult. His mind will drift to an image of Andrew’s face, he’ll get distracted, and then have to convince his penis to stay down. Jesse thinks it’s ludicrous. It’s absolutely ludicrous and Jesse doesn’t know how to deal with these feelings, now that he’s pretty much admitted them to himself.
So, he likes Andrew’s ass, body, hair, laugh, smile, eyes, feet, voice, legs, chest, lips. Come to think of it, Jesse likes Andrew’s shoulders, knees, back, neck, cheeks, nose, eyelashes, elbows…not to mention his actual brain, the way Andrew thinks and the sounds Andrew makes. Huh. Maybe he likes everything about Andrew.
Jesse stares at the assignment in front of him dumbly. So…he likes Andrew? Is that what it is? Well, that’s what you call it. Kristen likes Rob, JT likes Emma, Armie likes Elizabeth, Joe likes… someone, Jesse thinks. He’ll find out. Joe’s his friend, and he hasn’t exactly been paying attention to anyone as much as he probably should, not since Andrew came into his life… Right. Jesse thinks back on the past three months. Somehow he became friends with Andrew, and then Andrew became his best friend and somewhere along the way, Jesse started to like Andrew. But Jesse always liked Andrew. Jesse likes his best friends Kristen and JT, he likes Emma and Armie and Joe and he reckons he likes Rob too, even though he’s sort of a hooligan, and he likes Matt because Matt is funny, and he likes Carey because she’s sweet. And he likes Hallie Kate and he likes Kerri and yeah, he likes his parents too, and he likes his neighbourhood and he likes cats and old maps and the colour blue and he thinks he’d like acting. And of course he likes Andrew - everyone likes Andrew! - so why is this any different?
He leans back in his chair. A little voice in the back of his head jeers and hisses at him. It’s different because you want to kiss Andrew and touch him in his secret places!
But Andrew’s a boy! And Jesse is a boy! They’re both boys and if Jesse likes Andrew that must mean he’s -
Jesse’s phone starts blaring and he snatches it off his desk.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Jesse!”
“Hi Andrew.”
“Hi.”
A pause.
“How are you?”
Oh you know, fine, I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I want you.
“I’m well, thanks, how are you?”
“I am too - oh whatever, Jess, let’s stop with these trivialities. I miss you, Jess! You ran off pretty quickly today.”
Jesse flushes. “Yeah, I wonder why.” (please don’t ask about it)
Jesse hears Andrew laugh.
(that laugh)
“Well, I’m calling because I was wondering what you’re doing for the New Year.”
“Um, I don’t know.”
“Because apparently Mariah is having a party and we’re all going…“
No no no no no no no no!
“…says it’s bring your own alcohol and I know you don’t drink but…”
Jesse squeezes his eyes shut.
“…Kristen warned that you probably wouldn’t come but no one would tell me why…”
Breathe, it’s okay, you can just say no.
“…accompany me anyway?”
“No.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, sorry, but no, I don’t want to - I don’t want. I can’t. No.”
Jesse breathes heavily and opens his eyes to stare blankly at his desk.
“Well that’s all right! What do you want to do instead?”
“What?”
“Do you want to come over? We can have our own party!”
“What?”
Jesse swears he can hear Andrew frown. “Unless, you know, you’d rather be a hermit - you’re a lovely hermit, by the way - and stay at your house and reread Crime and Punishment for the umpteenth time, I’d understand -“
“No, Andrew, I mean, what? Like, what? You’d throw a party at yours instead?”
(lovely hermit?)
Andrew sighs patiently. “I mean, Jess, that you can come over to my house and we can hang out by ourselves. No party. No alcohol. Just you and me.”
(just you and me)
Something in Jesse’s belly starts to stir. If Jesse was a girl, which he isn’t, and if he told Kristen about this stirring in his belly, which he’s not going to,
(yet)
(no)
she’d probably say they were butterflies. And Jesse would say that’s absurd because the only organisms that dwell inside Jesse are his gut bacteria.
“Oh, oh, right, yeah, sure, sounds good, as long as you’re okay with it, you know, if you’d rather go to a real party…”
Andrew scoffs. “Why would I want to spend the New Year with anyone but you?”
“Maybe because I’m a loser?”
“No, don’t say that. You’re not. I like you. You’re my best friend. Hey, look, just come over to mine on the 31st and we’ll hang out and you can sleep over and it’ll be great. I have to go now. I can hear Aunty laughing hysterically and I need to investigate.”
“I’m listening carefully and there is definitely some maniacal laughter in the background. Okay, catch you later Andrew.”
“Yeah, see ya.”
Jesse puts his phone down. I like you. Andrew said I like you.
He smiles.
Cool.
(oh god)
************
From Joe:
sure ill meet u at park at 3
Jesse checks his phone again. Yeah, he said three. Jesse’s sitting on the swings at the empty playground. It’s the day before New Year's Eve and Jesse had only just managed to convince Andrew that they really didn’t need to see each other today, they were going to be hanging out tomorrow. That hasn’t stopped Andrew from texting him strange anecdotes about how his day is going, though.
It’s 3:19, says Jesse’s phone. He’s just about to call Joe when Joe appears from around the corner. Jesse watches him jog across the oval to where Jesse is sitting. He stands in front of Jesse, panting, in jeans and a t-shirt, even though there’s some snow sprinkled over the grass and Jesse can see his breath when he breathes.
“Sorry, I was going to text you, but thought maybe running over here would be a better idea. Mary’s home and she just wouldn’t stop talking.”
Jesse nods and Joe sits down on the swing next to him. Jesse wrings his hands and Joe coughs.
“So, what do you want to talk about?”
Jesse scratches at his neck. Okay, yes, Joe’s his friend, but they don’t usually hang out by themselves. But Jesse needs to do this. He’s been a bad friend and…he’s curious.
“Uh, how’ve you been, Joe? We haven’t talked for a while and I thought, uh, maybe, we….should.” This is going well. Not really. Ah god. Jesse scratches his neck again and glances at Joe.
Joe is looking at him with a quizzical expression. “Fine, fine. Things are well. But that’s an obligatory response, isn’t it? What’s really up, Jesse?”
“Nothing! Nothing, you know? Just the usual. What are you doing for the New Year? Are you going to…Mariah’s?”
“Yeah, yeah I am.” Joe knows about what happened to Jesse. “Oh, I heard that they’re going to do fireworks here at this park. Maybe if you’re not busy you could come here instead of being a bum at home.” Joe winks.
Well okay, there’s an idea. When Jesse says nothing they fall into an uneasy silence.
“Um, our friends have been…well everyone’s started dating recently…isn’t that…nice?”
Joe nods and says, “Yes…” whilst furrowing his eyebrows. However, Joe has known Jesse for years and thus also drawls, “Jesse, what’s really on your mind? Don’t bullshit me, ‘cause I know you well enough to know that there’s something else you want to talk about, and I’m open, I trust you, buddy.”
Well, here goes. “Iwantedtoknowifyoulikeanyone.”
“What?”
Take a breath. Say it slower. “I wanted, to know…if you like anyone…in that way.”
And Joe actually flushes and suddenly looks uncomfortable. Jesse quickly adds, “Only if you want to tell me, that is, it’s perfectly all right if you don’t -“
“No, Jesse, buddy, dude, it’s fine. It’s okay. I just…all right. Do you want to know?”
“Well, yeah. That’s why I asked.”
Joe looks down at his hands for a few minutes, saying nothing. Jesse sits on the swing and kicks at the ground.
Eventually Joe coughs and Jesse looks up, expectant. Waiting. Open. He tells himself that if Joe declares he’s dating a 40-year-old woman, Jesse would be okay with that and totally supportive. He smiles at Joe in a way he hopes conveys this information.
Joe’s smile back is uncertain. “Jesse, I’m about to tell you something, and I don’t want you to tell anyone, or freak out, or hate me, or call me names, okay?”
Jesse nods. Why would he, anyway? Jesse is not a mean person.
Joe takes a deep breath and quietly confesses, “Jesse, I think I’m gay.”
Jesse blinks. Jesse frowns. Okay, so he wasn’t expecting that. “What?”
Covering his face with his hands, Joe says, “Oh god…” But that isn’t what Jesse meant! Jesse stutters, “No, no! I mean! That’s okay! That’s cool! Great! How do you know?” Jesse is breathing a sigh of relief, in fact, because he might think - Well, perhaps he is - No, Jesse doesn’t know. Jesse likes Andrew, but he doesn’t know, if he’s -
“Well, wait. So you’re not…grossed out?”
Jesse shakes his head. “How could you think I’d be? JT used to be bullied about being gay all the time, even though he isn’t gay. If I was homophobic that’d be…prejudiced and horrible and wrong and…”
(hypocritical)
(no)
(yes)
(andrew?)
Jesse smiles genuinely at Joe. “I’m glad you told me.”
Joe’s expression changes completely and he stands up and starts laughing. So Jesse wasn’t expecting that either.
“What?”
Joe just grins at Jesse and looks up at the sky, spreading his arms out. Jesse can see the goose bumps on Joe’s arms and Jesse thinks he’s one crazy kid.
“Why are you laughing?”
The park is deserted and there is no one else in sight. The sky is clear, the air is cold; wind breezes lazily around Jesse and he zips his parka up further. Meanwhile, Joe is prancing around in front of him and Jesse feels clueless.
“What is it?”
Joe sighs happily and moves to stand in front of Jesse. “His name is Patrick. He has the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen, bluer than yours even, and he thinks I’m good-looking! When he smiles I’m just…you know how Armie said all those things about Elizabeth?”
(andrew)
“Yeah.”
“Well Patrick is all those things, and more. Okay, so he’s a little shy, which is why I don’t think any of you have met him yet properly, except for that time he sat with us at the cafeteria. But Jesse, Jesse, I think I’m going to ask him out.”
“Yeah?”
Joe gazes past Jesse. He can only imagine what Joe’s thinking and feeling.
(oh, but he knows)
(jesse knows)
“Jesse, I think I’m gay.”
Jesse laughs. “I think I got that, Joe.”
“No, you don’t understand how liberating it is to say that - to admit it! Except…”
Joe sits back down on the empty swing again. “Except, I haven’t admitted it to anyone except you and Armie. And Patrick. But that goes without saying.”
(no it doesn’t)
(jesse hasn’t admitted it)
(andrew)
Jesse thinks he understands. (he understands) “You’re brave, Joe.”
(braver than jesse)
Joe glances at Jesse and Jesse realizes how vulnerable Joe must be feeling right now. Joe ducks his head but reaches a hand out to Jesse. “Thanks, mate. Thanks, Jesse. Thanks. It’s a really good feeling. And I am shit scared and there are some days I’m not sure, but it makes sense, you know? I dated Marissa in freshman year, but it lasted for two months and we didn’t go any further than kissing because I didn’t want to. She did! She honest to fuck did, but I didn’t.”
Joe shivers and Jesse stands up. “It’s getting cold.”
They start walking across the oval.
“And then I met Patrick and it’s like everything fell into place. Well it wasn’t until I had my hand on my dick and realized I was thinking about those blue eyes of his that I actually understood, but still.”
(andrew’s eyes)
(deep)
(bottomless)
(oh)
Jesse laughs and they make it to the sidewalk. They stand before each other.
Joe grins again at Jesse and pulls him into a hug.
“Thanks, Jesse. You honestly have no idea what this means to me.”
Jesse pulls back and thinks yes I do.
They go to part ways but Joe says, “Wait, dude, hey, do you like someone? You asked and I forgot…maybe it means you like…”
(yes, yes)
(i fucking do)
(YES)
Bravery. Jesse thinks about Joe and how worried he was. He thinks about Kristen and Kerri and you know you can tell me anything. He thinks about Rob, Elizabeth, JT and Emma. Patrick, and what he means to Joe.
Jesse slowly smiles. “Yeah, his name is Andrew.”
I believe the expression is - Realization dawns on Joe. He opens his mouth, then closes it, then cocks his head, raises his eyebrows, lifts a finger, frowns, huffs and then gradually returns Jesse’s smile. He nods in understanding at Jesse, quietly uttering, “I’ve got your back.” They stare at each other in mutual agreement before turning in opposite directions.
Jesse has a skip in his step the entire way home.
************
They’re sitting on Andrew’s bed (like that one time when -) on New Year's Eve instead of being outside with friends, at parties, with family, celebrating.
Andrew’s uncle and aunty have gone off to some gathering with other adults, which include Sophia’s family and Jesse’s parents and Hallie Kate. Kerri is with her college friends and Jesse’s friends?
Jesse guesses they’re at Mariah’s party.
But Jesse…Jesse is alone, with Andrew, in his room.
It’s 11:40PM and they’ve been hanging out. Quite a curious way to spend New Year's Eve, perhaps, but then again, Jesse is different and Andrew is different, and that’s what Jesse likes about them. Except… sometimes Jesse will catch Andrew looking at him with a sort of sadness in his eyes and Andrew is (beautiful anyway) unhappy with Jesse, Jesse knows.
The night had started off so well. Jesse had arrived at around six, to an empty household save for Andrew trying to cook. They’d wrestled around in the kitchen and succeeded in preparing edible pasta for themselves. Thus the early hours of the night had been occupied with television, food, music and conversation. However, now that Jesse was aware of his feelings and somewhat acknowledged and admitted them to himself (not to mention to Joe as well…) it meant that every five seconds he’d look at Andrew and remember something he liked about him.
eyes
hair
lips
voice
smile
And then he’d feel either embarrassed about it, or worried about getting an erection because of it, or both. Likely both. This led to awkward pauses in conversation, conversation that would just collapse because Jesse would be too busy staring fervently at the floor in a bid to keep his dick down.
The thing is, for the whole night Jesse has been trying to muster the courage to bring up the topic of that night, but it’s kind of hard, you know? When you’ve been ignoring it for a while and the moment for talking about it has passed. Jesse has only recently admitted to himself that he has…special feelings for Andrew and he’s finding it hard to break out of their current places.
(what’s his place)
Jesse, the self-depreciating one, and Andrew, the perfect one - ‘cause that’s how Jesse sees Andrew. And Jesse will catch Andrew looking at him with such longing in his eyes, and Jesse hates that, because he doesn’t know how to fix it, really, without completely messing up what they’ve got right now. He tells himself it’s because he, Jesse Eisenberg, is an inherently awkward person, and he thinks back to when Andrew was only a stranger.
Maybe Andrew was better off not meeting him at all.
(it’s because jesse is selfish)
(selfish)
(want andrew)
(but can’t admit)
(to andrew)
Andrew is now sitting cross-legged on his bed, tapping away on his laptop and Jesse sits opposite him, a book in hand.
Jesse looks at Andrew’s bent head. He has tried hard to disregard what happened last time he slept over at Andrew’s. He pretended it didn’t happen, (but it did), or if it did, it was all Jesse’s fault, (it’s not a fault), and Andrew didn’t actually want to (but he did, jesse knows) and it wasn’t Andrew who actually kissed him first (but he DID).
Once Jesse went home, nothing ever happened afterwards.
(and whose fault is that?)
And now Jesse is here again and he has feelings but he is a coward.
(it’s easier this way)
(right?)
(but jesse likes andrew)
(he knows this)
Suddenly Andrew looks up with a twinkle in his eye.
(so)
(fucking)
(beautiful)
“Hey! Are there fireworks around here?” Andrew’s whole face has lit up.
“Um, maybe. Actually, yes. Joe said that they’re doing some at the park. Legal or not, I don’t know but -“
“Great! Let’s go, Jess!” He glances at his phone. “Come on! We only have like, 10 minutes.”
Andrew jumps off the bed and rushes to his closet to grab a parka. When Jesse doesn’t move Andrew mock-growls.
“Did you just growl at me?”
“Yes and if you don’t get up right now so we don’t miss the entrance into the New Year I will personally carry you there.”
Oh. Oh. That could be nice.
(what?)
“We’re not going to miss the entrance into the New Year, regardless of where we are, you know.”
Jesse stands up anyway and laughs and Andrew throws Jesse’s parka at him. Jesse tries to put it on but Andrew makes a fuss and says, “You’re not going fast enough. Here.”
He zips the parka up and then for good measure throws the hood over Jesse’s head and before Jesse can react Andrew has already run down the stairs and started locking up the house.
Once they’re outside Andrew kicks at the ground and looks around. “So, which way?”
Jesse starts to move in the direction of the park but Andrew is still not satisfied. “We’re not going to get there in time, I can tell. Get on my back.”
“What?”
“You heard me.”
“Andrew, that really is not a good idea.”
(oh god)
But Andrew is bending down and saying, “Come on Jesse.”
And Jesse is reminded of the time in the change-room at the public pool when Andrew had held a towel around him and acted like it was no big deal.
(jesse was basically naked)
Jesse goes to hang off Andrew’s back and mutters, “Okay, fine, but if you fall down and hurt yourself, don’t blame me.”
Andrew puts his arms under Jesse’s knees, clasps his hands together and stands up. Jesse yelps and then he’s off the ground. He instinctively wraps his arms around Andrew’s neck and Andrew nuzzles into Jesse’s arms, swaying a little under the weight.
(so close)
Andrew takes a few shaky steps and then a few more bold ones, before laughing and picking up the pace. Jesse squeaks and Andrew laughs again.
“Don’t run, Andrew! You’re going to slip.”
“There’s not that much snow, Jess. Stop worrying. You’re lighter than Hallie Kate, I swear.”
And that really isn’t possible but okay, now they’ve slowed down, and this is kind of nice.
(so close)
Andrew whispers, “Which way?”
Jesse slowly lowers his face right next to Andrew’s ear and when he tells him he feels Andrew shudder and okay, that was cool. Andrew’s hood is not on his head, and Jesse buries his face in the junction between Andrew’s neck and shoulder (like that time outside his house) and Andrew shudders and Jesse suddenly, he, he, Jesse, he, suddenly…wants…
When he brushes his lips against the side of Andrew’s neck, he thinks he hears Andrew whimper, and then he gently nips at Andrew’s ear and Andrew drops him.
“Oh my god, Jesse, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” He reaches down at Jesse, who’s fallen onto his ass, and it’d be nice if there was snow, but there isn’t, just concrete, and ow, that kind of hurt. Jesse takes Andrew’s hand and Andrew hauls him up, forcing Jesse into a tight hug.
Jesse pulls away from Andrew though and shakes his head, chuckling. In the moonlight, Jesse can see Andrew looks like he’s about to cry. “What?”
Jesse laughs and says, “We’re going to miss the fireworks!”
Andrew’s eyes widen and then Jesse starts running in the direction to the park, because he swears they only have like five minutes left or something, and he hears Andrew following him and in this moonlight, on this December night, Jesse is happy and they run to the park, and of course Andrew catches up to him, because Andrew is the boy at the swim centre who has lean thighs and is fit and looks good even if he has red marks around his eyes from his goggles.
They reach the park and oh, maybe they’re legal fireworks. There are some vans parked on the oval in front of the playground and there are adults scuttling around. Ground lights have been set up and the fireworks site has been fenced off, so Jesse and Andrew stand a bit off from where the crowd have gathered, and Andrew leans down to whisper to Jesse, “Thanks for bringing me here.”
Jesse shakes his head. “I don’t understand why you want to hang out with me instead of going to a party.”
“Well, you don’t really like parties, and why would I want to spend this time with anyone but my best friend?”
The way Andrew says best friend makes Jesse cast a sidelong glance at Andrew’s half-illuminated figure. “What about Rob, and Matt, and Carey?”
Andrew shrugs. “Sure, they’re my best friends too. But you’re…my own.” His voice trails off and before Jesse can say anything, the ground lights are turned off and they’re plunged into darkness. Jesse feels Andrew grab his hand and whisper, “It’s okay.”
Not that Jesse is afraid of the dark. He sleeps in blackness regularly, every night in fact, but okay, so sometimes it seeps into his blood and that’s when it’s not good.
But Andrew is stroking Jesse’s fingers, gently and tentatively, and everyone is holding their breath, waiting for the fireworks, and Andrew is holding Jesse’s hand
(like that time in his room)
and why does Andrew tremble?
Someone starts a countdown.
“TEN!”
“NINE!”
“EIGHT!”
Jesse tightens his hold on Andrew’s hand.
“SEVEN!”
“SIX!”
Jesse smiles to himself.
“FIVE!”
“FOUR!”
“THREE!”
Andrew presses himself closer to Jesse.
“TWO!”
“ONE!”
Fireworks.
And Jesse hears Andrew’s intake of startled breath as the fireworks begin - crackling and popping of spectacular reds and blues and oranges and purples and the light created fractures across Andrew’s face
(like that time in the morning)
and Jesse finds himself staring at Andrew instead of the fireworks. Andrew looks so happy and he whoops and cheers with the rest of the crowd and oh, okay, Andrew licks his lips (lips) and glances at Jesse and smiles.
(eyes crinkle)
(cheeks lift)
(soft)
(lips)
The fireworks continue - they get higher and louder and more dazzling and with every new explosion Andrew squeezes Jesse’s hand and Jesse? Jesse can do this.
Boom!
(he’s so beautiful)
Crack!
(he deserves everything)
Snap!
(want him)
Andrew is laughing and his laughter is infectious and Jesse is laughing too and Jesse can do this!
They watch the fireworks without saying a word to each other, simply absorbing the good moods of the people around them, and the brilliance of the sparklers.
Eventually the fireworks end and they start walking back home. “Happy New Year, Andrew.” Jesse smiles up at Andrew, who’s let go of Jesse’s hand now.
Andrew replies, “Yeah, you too, Jess, you too.” And he seems to get shy.
Maybe Jesse should be shy too, but he’s high on life, he decides. He’s got his best friend next to him, and it’s the New Year, and the moonlight capers around Andrew and Jesse is content.
(want)
(okay)
(okay!)
(yes!)
Jesse bumps his hand next to Andrew’s. Andrew flinches and laughs nervously. Jesse does it again and this time takes Andrew’s hand in his.
“What are you thinking about?”
Andrew huffs. “Nothing.” But he tightens his grip in Jesse’s hand.
“Really?” Jesse laughs. “How boring!”
Jesse can see Andrew’s smile but he doesn’t laugh. Why not? Jesse wanted to see Andrew’s neck arch and stretch and how else will he…?
“Why are you being shy?” Okay, that really was not meant to come out of his mouth.
Andrew shakes his head. “Ah…ask me that when we get back to mine.”
So they walk back to Andrew’s house, in silence, with Jesse swinging their clasped hands between their bodies.
************
They’re lying in Andrew’s double bed, on top of the covers, side by side, with the ceiling lights off but the desk lamp on. They’ve been lying like this since they got home 15 minutes ago, and Jesse had every intention to start that conversation
(the most important conversation)
but their friends keep texting them Happy New Year! and it’s off-putting.
After perhaps the ninth text, Jesse complains, grumbling, “Okay, I am turning my phone off. This is getting ridiculous.”
Andrew chuckles, and so the phones are switched off and discarded.
They lie in silence.
Jesse is feeling brave and courageous yet also really, really scared. He doesn’t know how to start this, and in fact, he wouldn’t even be telling Andrew except it was Andrew who kissed Jesse first. However, that was a month ago and things can change in a month’s time, can’t they?
He can feel Andrew’s body heat rolling off him.
Jesse fidgets and closes his eyes to distract himself.
(please not right now)
(not right now)
Andrew speaks first. “What happened?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why are you so scared about Mariah’s?”
“I don’t really want to talk about it.”
“Please, Jesse.”
Jesse opens his eyes and glances over his shoulder, to be met with Andrew’s imploring eyes.
“Jess, I consider you my best friend, and I think you consider me your best friend too, but sometimes it feels like so much between us goes unsaid...”
“What do you mean?” Jesse says quietly.
“I mean, I want to get to know you better, but it feels like you keep all the important, personal stuff to yourself.”
“I’m a private person.”
Andrew sighs and looks up at the ceiling again.
(open up)
(you have to)
(to tell him)
(must)
Jesse wriggles closer to Andrew until their sides are touching and Jesse is resting his palm over Andrew’s. This is safe. He can do this. “Mariah had a party in freshman year. I was drinking juice and I put it down to try and help JT, who was getting bullied by some juniors. When I came back to my drink, I took a sip and someone had spiked it. I had an allergic reaction to the ingredients in whatever the fuck they put in my drink, and I nearly died.”
He states this as if he was telling Andrew what the weather was going to be like that day, though his pulse quickens and he closes his eyes.
Andrew whispers oh and starts saying something about how he’s sorry, but closing his eyes was probably a bad idea, because now Jesse is reliving the moment in his minds eye again - taking the sip - feeling his knees buckle - convulsing on the floor because he couldn’t control his legs - hearing Kristen screaming -
(blackness)
(terror)
His blood becomes hot and his muscles become tense, he’s lying down but he is dizzy, why can’t he open his eyes -
Jesse is only mildly aware of the arm that is wrapping around him and tightening and the hand that is squeezing his, and the voice that is…whispering in his ear…
“I’m here, I’m here, I’m here, I’m here, open your eyes, I’m here, it’s okay, you’re safe, Jesse, Jesse, Jesse, Jesse…”
Jesse feels himself resurfacing and when he opens his eyes he sees Andrew’s cheek. “Hi.” He croaks out.
The cheek moves away from him and then there’s Andrews face, smiling down at him. “Hi.”
“Why do you even bother with me?”
“Because you’re unlike anyone I’ve ever met and I think you’re brilliant.”
Jesse blushes and Andrew seems to suddenly become conscious of the fact that he’s leaning over Jesse. Andrew lies back down next to Jesse and Jesse feels the loss of close contact acutely. Time to rectify the situation.
“You’re a boy.” Jesse remarks.
Out of the corner of his eye, Jesse sees Andrew frown. “Yes?”
“And I’m a boy.”
“Yes, you are.”
Well, this is it.
(go!)
“You kissed me.”
Jesse feels Andrew tense up completely and Jesse grabs Andrew’s hand. They continue staring up at the ceiling.
“You made me come in my pants.” Andrew retorts.
“You gave me your jocks.”
“Because you came in your pants too!”
“That’s true.”
“Am I ever going to get those back?”
Jesse smirks.
“No.”
Andrew snorts but when he speaks next there’s cheek in his voice. “You get erections because of me.”
“What?!”
“Don’t lie, I know. At the swim centre, and that time we went to the public pool? Not to mention that time on this bed and what happened when you left Kristen’s really quickly? Your pants were tenting!”
Jesse can’t help it, he starts laughing and Andrew laughs too.
(that laugh)
“I really like your laugh.”
Andrew turns to face Jesse and smiles. He pokes Jesse until Jesse turns on his side, too.
“I really like your hands.”
“What?”
“I like them when they’re in my hands.” Andrew raises their clasped hands and jiggles them around in front of Jesse’s eyes, as if to make a point. He drops them back to the bed. “It’s one of the only ways I get to touch you intimately without making a big deal out of it.”
“Boys don’t usually hold hands, you know.”
Andrew casts his glance downwards. “I know.” He mutters.
“So are you gay, then?”
Andrew keeps his gaze low. “I don’t know.”
Jesse looks at their hands, at their intertwined fingers. “Me neither.”
(go)
(say it)
There is a beat of a silence until Jesse says, “I know I like you, though.”
Andrew looks up and seems to search Jesse’s face. “You do?”
Jesse squares himself. Jesse is a coward, a self-depreciating person. For all his life he has welcomed predictable circumstances that have resolutions he can handle - if it is his place to be bullied, then he will be bullied, if it is his place to be a caring friend, he will try to be a caring friend. If he didn’t like the place he was in, it didn’t matter, because that was his place and he knew what he was meant to do - except now? Now he doesn’t even know - what’s his place? What is he meant to do? Is this what they mean by growing up? When comes a time no one tells you and you’re supposed to figure it out yourself?
“I know that I get erections, and when I try to get rid of them, I have to actually jerk off, and when I jerk off, I end up thinking about you.”
Andrew looks vaguely shocked, but amused. “Wow, Jess, that’s…nice.”
“And, um, I like the way you think and your voice and your smile and your laugh and I like when you hug me even if I pull away and I like other things about you that aren’t just physical believe me I’m not a superficial person I’m sorry if that came out wrong.”
Andrew covers his mouth with his spare hand and this isn’t going the way Jesse planned. Not that Jesse had a plan.
“But I watched gay porn for the first time and found myself comparing the big spoon’s body to yours and I reckon yours is better and I like you as a person but the voice in my head told me that because I want to kiss you too and touch you in your private places it’s much, much different to liking my family or Kristen. In fact, it’s very different to liking my family or Kristen because that would be absolutely horrible and wrong in so many ways and I’m just going to turn this way now.”
Jesse turns over and curls up, letting go of Andrew’s hand.
(what the fuck did he just say)
So Jesse isn’t expecting the body which flops itself over Jesse. Andrew squirms upwards and whispers in Jesse’s ear, “I think it’s very good that you want to kiss me and touch me in my private places, because I want to do that to you too. It is also good that you think about me when you jerk off, because now I don’t feel so weird about the fact that when I jerk off, I imagine your hands around my dick.”
Jesse rolls over and Andrew adjusts himself next to Jesse again. “I guess that’s good, because I actually think about your lips around my dick.”
Andrew squeaks and turns bright red. “Really?”
Jesse hums. That’s normal, right? “So does this mean you like me too?”
Jesse is anticipating a quiet confession, a nod, heck even a kiss, but what Andrew actually does is get off the bed and say, “Get up.” What? Jesse stands up and stares at Andrew from the other side of the bed. Did he do something wrong? Does Andrew not, in fact, like Jesse?
Andrew winks and goes over to a drawer in his desk. He pulls out a small flashlight and turns off the desk lamp. Blackness. “What are you doing?” Jesse says with some urgency.
Andrew turns the flashlight on and swings the beam over Jesse. “Get under the blanket.” He turns it off again.
And because Andrew has such an odd expression on his face, Jesse does so without saying anything. He clambers underneath the top blanket, laying his head on a pillow and pulling the sheet over the top of himself. It’s overtly large and pale in colour. Andrew climbs in after him and hunches in the space next to where Jesse is lying. It is dark underneath the covers, and slightly clammy.
“What are you doing, Andrew?”
Andrew curses, but manages to turn the flashlight on. Jesse blinks. Andrew smiles down at him and Jesse looks around the little space. It’s like a fort, except, well, it’s not, it’s Jesse and Andrew underneath a large blanket on Andrew’s bed, with a flashlight to provide light. The atmosphere is…tender, though. The glow from the light doesn’t reach all the cracks and corners of their makeshift hideout, it’s like there’s a vignette around Andrew, where his edges become blurry and fade into blackness, softening his figure.
Andrew shifts and whispers, “Can I sit on top of you?”
Jesse is overcome with wonder and can only manage a small nod. Andrew carefully throws a leg over Jesse and huddles over him. The blanket is large and the sides do not lift up. Andrew lightly sits on top of Jesse’s crotch and the weight there is pleasant, if not a little stimulating. Jesse stares up at Andrew, waiting for an explanation.
“You asked if I liked you.”
“That I did.”
“Can I ask why you ignored me after I kissed you last month and you proceeded to make me come in my pants?”
Jesse shuffles, a little embarrassed, but it only serves to press Andrew closer to him.
(closer)
“Come on, Jess, we’re being open with each other now.” Andrew presses his hands against Jesse’s chest.
“I tried to ignore it because I didn’t know how I was feeling.”
The space is small, it is clammy, Andrew is sitting on him. Jesse raises his shaky hands to rest them on Andrew’s face. This is the most intimate he has ever been with anyone. Well, other than the dry-humping thing. And perhaps the being basically naked next to Andrew thing. But this? This is a whole other level, because this…includes emotions…
“You made me cry.” Andrew says softly. And dear god, why is Andrew tearing up right now?
“I didn’t know how I was feeling. I’m sorry.” Jesse chokes slightly.
(he’s so sensitive)
(gentle)
(be gentle)
Andrew just stares sadly down at him and Jesse is actually about to do something crazy, like promise himself, or the world, to Andrew, but Andrew’s face pulls up into a smirk and Andrew, through his tears, starts laughing.
“What?”
“Your face! You looked so…dejected!”
Jesse whips his hands away from Andrew’s face and whacks him across the chest. “You fuck!” He turns his head to the side and starts pawing at the blanket in an attempt to get out.
“Wait, wait, wait!” Andrew suddenly leans over Jesse, grabbing his hands and pinning them above Jesse’s head. His head is inches away from Jesse. Jesse can see right into his eyes, past the wet eyelashes, and he feels he cannot breathe right now. There is only blackness, and Andrew’s illuminated face, like that time at Matt’s 18th, with shadows dancing across the most exquisite grooves of Andrew’s lips and nose and eyebrows.
(so fucking beautiful!)
“I really like you.” Andrew whispers.
Jesse nods.
“I’ve never…I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“Really? Because it seems to me like you really do know what you’re doing.” Jesse manages to stutter out.
Andrew exhales and ducks his head down, over Jesse’s chest, then looks back up at Jesse’s face. If Jesse leaned up just a little bit more, he could honest to god kiss Andrew.
“I really don’t, Jess.”
Jesse wants to tell Andrew that he thinks he’s perfect, but he’s finding it hard to form coherent sentences.
(eyelashes)
“What I do know, though, is that I really want to kiss you right now. But I need to know that you’re not going to ignore me after, even if you do make me come in my pants again.” He says the last part with a cocky smile, but Jesse can see the nervousness in Andrew’s eyes. Andrew can probably see it in his own eyes, too.
Jesse leans forward to try and kiss those lips, but Andrew pulls back. “Please tell me, Jess.”
(say it)
(say it)
(you have to say it)
(mean it)
(he deserves the best)
(say it you coward)
“I’m scared.” Jesse admits.
“And I’m scared too.” Andrew waits.
Jesse’s breath hitches. “I…”
(can’t)
(you can)
(you have to)
(can’t can’t can’t)
(frightened)
(fucking coward)
(you. have. to. say. it.)
And funnily enough, Jesse suddenly remembers Joe, and his sheer euphoria in being able to admit, to Jesse, how he truly felt about Patrick, and how brave he was in doing so. I’ve got your back.
“I’m scared…but I like you…and I won’t ignore you. And I really want to kiss you too, right now, except…”
It occurs to Jesse: “…I don’t know how to kiss.”
Andrew breathes a sigh of relief and inches his face closer to Jesse’s. “Neither do I, so it doesn’t matter! Besides, you were fine last time.” Andrew grins cheekily.
Andrew hovers in front of Jesse, obviously waiting for Jesse to make the first move this time, but Jesse waits. He’s been a coward for too long now.
“I really, really like you. And I’m scared, and I’m sorry for being such a shit and I really like you and you give me -“ (ah, what the heck) “-butterflies and I’m telling you right now I have no idea how to do this ‘liking’ thing because I’ve never liked anyone before and have I mentioned that I’m fucking terrified?” Jesse’s voice is hoarse. It breaks, it falters, but he gets the message across, because Andrew’s eyes widen and his expression instantly crosses over from cheekiness to absolute adoration and Jesse swears, Andrew’s eyes are sparkling.
It’s getting extremely hot underneath the covers and harder to breathe, but Jesse pushes up against where Andrew’s hands are pressing Jesse’s hands into the mattress and kisses Andrew, finally.
What a strange sensation kissing is. Andrew’s lips really are tender and this kiss is gentle. Jesse lets his head fall back down on the pillow and he feels Andrew close his fingers around Jesse’s. Andrew pushes against him, and they gently part their lips. It gets wetter. Jesse feels Andrew’s hair tickling him. He feels the softness of Andrew’s skin and the place where Andrew’s nose presses against Jesse’s face. Jesse has no idea what he’s doing right now - this isn’t some frantic slobbering and desperate need to come, this is a kiss that says I want you…in a sexual way, yes, but I think also in a romantic way, so I’m trying to kiss you tenderly to convey this information across. At least, that’s what Jesse hopes.
Jesse also is finding it very difficult now to breathe, and not just because Andrew is kissing him. He turns his head away from Andrew’s lips, which is, to a degree, a very hard thing to do, and coughs, “I can’t breathe.”
Andrew immediately sits up, letting go of Jesse’s hands and yanks the blanket off of them and Jesse sucks in a breath and heaves. Andrew presses his face down against Jesse’s again and apologizes in between placing kisses on Jesse’s nose, cheeks, forehead, hair, around his lips, and even on top of his eyes.
So maybe Andrew’s kisses have surpassed Crime and Punishment in his list of Favourite Things Ever.
Jesse nudges against Andrew’s cheek and feels Andrew smile against him.
“I can’t believe this is happening.”
“Is this why you went shy before, when we were walking home?”
Andrew leans back and nods at Jesse.
Jesse reaches up and, with his fingers, traces Andrew’s lips, then his cheeks, then his nose and then his eyes. He wipes the last of Andrew’s tears away, and Andrew leans into the touch, before leaning back down again and resting his forehead against Jesse’s.
“I like being close to you.” Andrew whispers. He shifts so he’s lying completely on top of Jesse and that’s when Jesse becomes aware of his hard-on.
Andrew becomes aware of it too.
“I’m pretty good at doing that, aren’t I?”
Jesse kisses Andrew instead of replying.
And it is good, it is nice, it is gentle, it is sweet and it is sensual, soft, slow.
It is scary.
(because of what it means)
(what it means…)
Andrew pulls away, only marginally, and murmurs, “I could kiss you forever.”
(it is scary)
“So why don’t you?”
Andrew kisses Jesse on his upper lip. “Because I’m tired and you have an erection and I have an erection.”
(it is scary)
Jesse pushes his hips up and yes, Andrew has an erection. “Can we get into something comfier?”
Andrew slides off Jesse, somewhat reluctantly, and moves to his dresser. The flashlight is still on, and the dim light it emits percolates through the heavy atmosphere in the room - the things that have been confessed, the small intimacies shared, the feelings that drip from their beings.
Jesse watches Andrew pull off his shirt and Jesse suddenly feels very shy. He picks out his pyjamas from his bag on the floor, and stands with his back to Andrew. What to do? So they’ve been swimming together, so they’ve stood naked (to some extent) in each other’s presence and so they’ve kissed and made each other orgasm without taking their pants off. He still feels shy.
(it is scary)
“Jess, do you want me to turn the light off for a minute?” Andrew’s voice is understanding.
Jesse nods without turning around, and he hears Andrew flick the switch on the flashlight.
(it is scary)
Just like in between PE class, Jesse strips himself of his clothing and changes into his pyjamas as swiftly as he can in the dark. He hears Andrew do the same thing.
“Ready?”
“Yeah.”
Andrew fumbles for a moment then the flashlight is switched on again. Jesse pads into the bathroom, followed by Andrew, and they brush their teeth in silence, ignoring their erections.
Jesse makes it back into the bedroom first. “Uh, Andrew? Are you going to get a futon? I can sleep on it, if you want.”
Andrew walks out of the bathroom, turning off its light and closing the door behind him. He says quietly, “I was hoping we could both share my bed.”
Oh.
Jesse hiccups and Andrew puts a hand on Jesse’s shoulder. “Only if you’re okay with that, of course.”
“Oh, no no, yeah, no, of course, yes, yep, yeah.”
Andrew chuckles and jumps onto his bed, crawling underneath his covers, he holds the flashlight and waves it around, such that the beam zips across the ceiling.
Jesse stands at the foot of the bed and gazes at Andrew. He’s so beautiful.
Andrew realizes Jesse’s watching him and blushes. “Come on.” He urges.
So Jesse gets into bed next to Andrew, and Andrew turns the flashlight off, chucking it onto the ground where it makes a soft pat sound.
“How do we do this?”
Andrew laughs gently and presses himself closer to Jesse. Their crotches, and thus erections, bump and they both flinch away from each other.
“I was just going to ignore mine, if you don’t mind.” Andrew confesses.
Jesse smiles in the dark. “Me too.”
“You’re not scared are you?”
“What, of the dark or of this?”
“The dark.”
“No, I’m okay right now.”
Jesse feels an arm tentatively snake around his waist and then Andrew’s warm breath on his face, perhaps as a warning for the kiss that he presses to Jesse’s lips right…now.
They kiss leisurely.
Andrew pulls away first and murmurs, “Are you scared of this?”
Jesse carefully wraps his arm around Andrew’s waist as well. “Terrified.”
“Me too.”
Quiet breathing, and then, “Happy New Year, Jess.”
Jesse smiles against Andrew’s lips. “You too.”
In the dead of night, in this room, with the curtains closed; on this New Year's Day, or night, or early morning, Jesse and Andrew sleep, curled towards each other.
(it is scary)
(but it will be okay)
(it can be okay)
part vii