Really interesting....A dip into some life
I have fallen into a bad place. It is where the darkness falls and where the sun sets. It where dreams are made and crushed. A place where love is made and forgotten.
I don't understand why, or how I got there, I just know I did. Maybe it was when I started fighting or when I developed into a more mature child. It is like I have fallen and can't get out and have no place to go either. What could I possibly be talking about, ranting about?
Depression. Low Self Esteem. Lack of Drive. Loneliness.
During the sixth grade a lot of things happened. I made new friends, started middle school, and developed a complicated home life. My sports got serious and my family support dropped as my sister started high school. I became a shadow. What I did, my sister already finished and moved on. I was forgotten. When my cousin came up it was a new beginning. He was the same grade, about the same age, and popular. Not to say I wasn't after running for student counsel, but not as much as he made it to. We were best of friends but at times worst of them. He made it fun to be around but also stressful, we had to mold him into a better child so in the future he could strive. But then he left when his dad got into a long term relationship. And he was gone.
In seventh grade things changed again. I became more popular by involving myself in sports and band. I strived for the best and competed the hardest. I was know for determination and success. Things went wrong though. I started losing friends and struggling to maintain sanity. Weird things happened that I couldn't explain. Loneliness set in but I wasn't quite lonely. I lived two lives. During the year my home life became more stressful as my grandparents health weaved in and out and the strength of those relationships morphed. Jobs became more difficult too. My mom decided to change my life for me. She took her anger out on me and burned our relationship. Anything I said was used against me and became public, my actions were scrutinized, my strength dulled. As a child I didn't know what to do so my mind took an alternate route. I became depressed. My mother started neglecting me and it was clear she hated me. My dad couldn't do anything either. So I hung out with 'new' people. Druggies. Weirdos. Hoodlums. The people who apply heavy make up and wear skinny jeans and piercings. The people who got expelled and sent to juvie. Those were my people. My friends. I fit in somewhat and they let me. Then the drama started. Soon I won a student counsel election for the first time. It shocked my family and myself. I was popular?
So eighth grade started. My last year at middle school. Year of change. I got recognized for soloing and we purchased a new saxophone so I could have a chance at becoming great. Things turned South then. My mom kept ignoring me and engaging in taunting with the rest of them. I was solid at first but broke soon. How could a child sustain that? She started becoming violent, to me, only me. I suffered frequent beatings and told very few souls. I didn't really have friends. I had teachers. And that's where I went. I stayed after class to chat and joke. I was know for my grades and success. But I had to tell someone. One of the worst times was when my sister didn't take the trash out and I got blamed. My mom pushed me against a wall and started hitting me. I had to catch my bus so I showed up puffy eyed and breathless. People questioned and I answered little. Shocked and mortified I was given advice. Even though I wanted to run, I couldn't and had no heart to either. I couldn't hurt those even if they hurt me. That wasn't the worst though. I dreaded Fridays. All of them. It meant weekend was there and I had to stay home for 2 days. That meant 2 days with my mom. One weekend she was in my room looking for something and my room wasn't in order. She asked me where something was and I didn't know what she meant so she flared up and took me by the hair. We were the same height so she pulled me through the hallway holding a handful of hair above hy head and I had to tiptoe to prevent ripping. As we came into the living room she ripped my hair down to the ground and I was thrown down in front of some boxes. She kept yelling and yelling. Still holding my hair, she towered over me. I was sitting on my knees below her when she started hitting me. First slaps in the face, then full on blows to the head. It was a mess of tears, hair, and pain for me. She pulled my hair at the same time and continued hitting. I got hit in the head, face, shoulder, and back. She threw me on my side to the ground and sent me to my room. I was a mess. Bawling and confused. I went to the bathroom. I was disoriented but able to move. I carefully touched my head where I was held and pulled out hair. The sight was tremendous. After pulling out all the loose hair I could, the sink was full. I collected my handful (literally) of hair and threw it away. I couldn't breathe and almost hyperventilated. The spot on my head hurt horrifically and I saw a little blood. More yelling. I told one person. She wanted to tell the counselors but only if I agreed. I made a deal. No way would I tell them. No way would I be taken. No way would she go to jail. So I hid it till weeks later. I often complained about gruesome headaches and a sore spot and loss of hair. The pain was inevitable. I cried. I cried a lot. So I finally slipped. I told my counselor, whom I trusted. She was quite frazzled about my delay. I planned it perfect. She couldn't do anything but she knew the story. I was depressed. I was beat. I was broken. It became clear that I began to hate more and more and for the first time I stated that I hated school (because I was too stressed to work). I struggled in class. Then I befriended a teacher again. A true friend. He helped me out. he gave me a hand. A shoulder to cry on (though I didn't) and person to talk to. My grandma died in January. The new year. I'm gonna skip that for now. So I became popular again, won another election and even made it to drum major in band. I competed for the track record. It was turning around. Finally.
I'll finish this with my grandmas death and the summer and a bunch of other stuff later. I don't have time now.
Tess