(no subject)
I'm probably the most depressed that I've been in a long time, probably since issues with Austin. I think since I haven't felt any need for sadness since then, I forgot what it was like. Leaving for college wasn't depressing, just very emotional, because we still loved each other and we both knew that. I'm not expressing my "depression" very well and I'm probably bottling it up. I want to cry, but I stop myself and tell myself that it's silly and that I have no reason to be sad, but I do. I've moved on, he's moved on, so why does it hurt? Because theres pictures of them everywhere and I have to deal with it. And I guess I haven't moved on yet. I've moved on, but I haven't gotten over him. And I still love him more than I have ever loved anybody, but I can't tell him because we can't be together anymore. He saw that I was "with" Spencer which was cue for oh well that means I can get a girlfriend too now. Which sucks because theres not much going on between me and Spencer anymore, and now that I look back on it, he was kind of a coping mechanism to me. He treats me so well, and I love that, because it brought back what I used to have. And now that Spencer isn't spending as much time with me anymore, I feel so alone, depressed, and worthless. The funny thing is, if you talked to me in person or something, you wouldn't even know it. I'm acting fine, I even feel fine writing this. Theres just something deep inside my gut that's hurting because I know I'm hurting inside. I just won't let it out or let anyone know, because I'm not allowed to be angry or sad. And sometimes I just wish I could have my senior year back. Nothing was more perfect.