I felt the need to cut today...posted first on myspace....

[savindus]

I took a shower because I needed to wash my hair, and while I was in there, I decided that I needed to shave as well. It took most of my will power to not submit to the compulsion to cut. I felt the need to...I don't know why. My mind wanted me to, but I didn't. I am glad, because that means that TJ won't get mad at me. I found out a bunch of things today from my mother. I will not disclose them here because that is not public property. I am really upset and I feel like I need to go home. Work called again today to see if I wanted to go in. I said no because I am waiting for a phone call from the Vocational Rehab place. But even though that is true, its only half true. I don't want to go in. I don't feel like going to work today. I go because I have to. Don't get me wrong, I like to be there...I just don't want to go. I just want to sit at home and sleep. I am really tired right now, but I am forcing myself to stay awake. We shall see how long that works out. It is snowing. Fairly hard too. It's kind of nice really. Kinda matches my mood because it isn't a light happy snow, more like a 'I'm really raining, but its cold up there so I turned into snow', kind of snow. So far today I have had a Reeses miniture pb cup and 2 waffles with a bit of syrup (I don't like a lot of syrup, its too sweet). OMG I ate breakfast! My goal is without exercising to eat 1240 calories today. With exercising my goal is to eat 1740 (because at the end of the day, it would be about 1240 after exercising). I have 708 calories to save for dinner. Hopefully the day will get better as it goes along. TJ will get off of work at 6:15pm tonight, so I can go get him then and hopefully he can comfort me some. He tried to last night when I was feeling weird, but he couldn't touch me without making me cry. Noone could touch me, not even Button my dog. It hurts to know that I did that to him. He wanted very much so to just touch me and hold me and kiss me. But I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand Button touching me through the blankets. I don't know what caused this. Maybe it was an over abundance of people. I have had people (4 or so which means 7or so people) in the apartment for about a week straight now. Maybe that is too much social interaction for me. Maybe I need to go back to the way it used to be with it being just me and TJs friends. Where I have a some friends, but I don't really hang out with them outside of school. I don't know. I think I'm going to just lay my head down and rest my eyes (I am NOT going to sleep!).

--Edit--
I didn't go to sleep...in fact, I have to go get TJ from work in about 10 minutes! Time for dinner...I wonder what it will be...