'morning' pages freewrite
My therapist wants me to like myself and I am SO FRUSTRATED because I don't even know her--I mean.
The problem with the geographic cure is that sometimes, it works.
It's worked enough. I cemented a new lifestyle. I'm going to be in this neighborhood for eons I LOVE WHERE I LIVE, DAMNIT. i DON'T CARE IF IT'S DUSTY and LOUD. i AM A FREE WOMAN WITH A CAR. and probably a payment plan for a e-bike soon!
I just don't want to work this hard on myself anymore. I don't want to engage this much. I don't want to have to do more than I started doing before-before I moved. Paying attention to my needs at this level is FUCKING HARD ENOUGH.
but there's only so much life to live. There's only so much time. I have to get better because stagnation is death-- HAHA NO PRESSURE.
ON THE TOPIC OF MYSELF:
Most people with a mental health diagnosis are not as ill as I am.
Most people with my mental health diagnoses are not as ill as I am.
Until I engaged in social movements like disability rights, psychiatric survivorship, and general anarchic rabble rousing, I didn't realize how much of my time I spent propagating the myths of abled, allistic neurotypicals.
Until I read widely about misogynoir and interrogated my own beliefs on racism, I didn't realize that I'm nicer to people when they're darker- because I'm reminded of family.
I think of myself as a woman of color but how much color really fluctuates depending on the amount of sunlight I get, and this has dramatically changed how people react to me.
I'm always saddened when I recognize internalized bias because like, programming ugh bad but also is this useful? Or have I been hurting people without noticing it? Sometimes it's both, like me being generally mistrustful of white men despite many of them being nice to me.
People must sense how closely I interrogate myself just in case blind faith to authority were to suddenly crop up. No wonder cops hate me.
When people question me on whether I will change for the better, I question whether they know me.
Do I really not know myself??? or do I just ... I don't know. What the hell is knowing myself? Listening to myself? ugh. Boring! I already am the way I'm going to think! Of course I find my arguments convincing!
I didn't grow up giving family the benefit of the doubt and now that I have good people in my life, it rightfully pains them to be considered 'worse' than I would question the motives of a stranger.
I'm probably an Enneagram type 4. I'm a MBTI INFJ. I'm a Scorpio sun sign, with Scorpio rising and a Cancer moon.
I have a huge fucking inner world and frankly I GET TIRED OF IT. Talking about it with other people feels like the only way I get relief.
Sometimes I selfishly just want other people to really hear me. I think I want to listen to myself, and know myself, but reflexively I'm disgusted, so probably I just want to know me and not be ASHAMED, and then it won't matter as much when people have their own lives which don't revolve around me.
It's easy for me to let my hygiene slip because I don't think of myself as deserving higher standards. my depression manifests as being the piece of shit the universe revolves around.
these motherfuckers want me to REJUVENATE and REGENERATE and no one will tell me how because EXISTENCE is the practice
ffffffffffs DOGEN. you ZEN DICKHEAD this is why no one likes u u too real
i'm going to get in the fucking tub!@ and figure it out for myself! BECAUSE i'm an adult and i don't need ANY of you fuckers*
because i probably already have the book and just haven't read it because i'm tired of having shit pointed out to me about myself that's wrong, i can do that myself! but you can't make me! HA
okay yeah that's enough for now
* (distinct and different from you,
reader, whom I adore with all my heart) Originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment there (
), or feel free to comment here.
The problem with the geographic cure is that sometimes, it works.
It's worked enough. I cemented a new lifestyle. I'm going to be in this neighborhood for eons I LOVE WHERE I LIVE, DAMNIT. i DON'T CARE IF IT'S DUSTY and LOUD. i AM A FREE WOMAN WITH A CAR. and probably a payment plan for a e-bike soon!
I just don't want to work this hard on myself anymore. I don't want to engage this much. I don't want to have to do more than I started doing before-before I moved. Paying attention to my needs at this level is FUCKING HARD ENOUGH.
but there's only so much life to live. There's only so much time. I have to get better because stagnation is death-- HAHA NO PRESSURE.
ON THE TOPIC OF MYSELF:
Most people with a mental health diagnosis are not as ill as I am.
Most people with my mental health diagnoses are not as ill as I am.
Until I engaged in social movements like disability rights, psychiatric survivorship, and general anarchic rabble rousing, I didn't realize how much of my time I spent propagating the myths of abled, allistic neurotypicals.
Until I read widely about misogynoir and interrogated my own beliefs on racism, I didn't realize that I'm nicer to people when they're darker- because I'm reminded of family.
I think of myself as a woman of color but how much color really fluctuates depending on the amount of sunlight I get, and this has dramatically changed how people react to me.
I'm always saddened when I recognize internalized bias because like, programming ugh bad but also is this useful? Or have I been hurting people without noticing it? Sometimes it's both, like me being generally mistrustful of white men despite many of them being nice to me.
People must sense how closely I interrogate myself just in case blind faith to authority were to suddenly crop up. No wonder cops hate me.
When people question me on whether I will change for the better, I question whether they know me.
Do I really not know myself??? or do I just ... I don't know. What the hell is knowing myself? Listening to myself? ugh. Boring! I already am the way I'm going to think! Of course I find my arguments convincing!
I didn't grow up giving family the benefit of the doubt and now that I have good people in my life, it rightfully pains them to be considered 'worse' than I would question the motives of a stranger.
I'm probably an Enneagram type 4. I'm a MBTI INFJ. I'm a Scorpio sun sign, with Scorpio rising and a Cancer moon.
I have a huge fucking inner world and frankly I GET TIRED OF IT. Talking about it with other people feels like the only way I get relief.
Sometimes I selfishly just want other people to really hear me. I think I want to listen to myself, and know myself, but reflexively I'm disgusted, so probably I just want to know me and not be ASHAMED, and then it won't matter as much when people have their own lives which don't revolve around me.
It's easy for me to let my hygiene slip because I don't think of myself as deserving higher standards. my depression manifests as being the piece of shit the universe revolves around.
these motherfuckers want me to REJUVENATE and REGENERATE and no one will tell me how because EXISTENCE is the practice
ffffffffffs DOGEN. you ZEN DICKHEAD this is why no one likes u u too real
i'm going to get in the fucking tub!@ and figure it out for myself! BECAUSE i'm an adult and i don't need ANY of you fuckers*
because i probably already have the book and just haven't read it because i'm tired of having shit pointed out to me about myself that's wrong, i can do that myself! but you can't make me! HA
okay yeah that's enough for now
* (distinct and different from you,
reader, whom I adore with all my heart) Originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment there (
), or feel free to comment here.