they gazed in wide wonder at the joy they had found (kings and queens step aside)
Since we all live so much of our lives on our phones, now, it seems weird not to be able to start this conversation by dragging in a picture or a meme to start trying to explain what I don't quite know how to put into words.
It's my birthday, and I am 33. I live on the California Coast with my fiance and my beagle. I'm the happiest I've ever been; maybe I just didn't know what full body relaxation felt like, until I physically felt like I was thousands of miles away from everyone who's in my nightmares, with the sun on my face and the ocean in my ears. I finally know who's in my nightmares now, too.
Can't imagine I've ever mourned so truly as I have over the last year. Back then, when I couldn't keep my head above water, every wave looked just as bad, just like all the rest. No difference between a riptide or a low tide to me, I drowned all the same. My emotions were a flood and my logic a desert, and nothing could adapt quickly enough. Now the seasonal shift is regular, and I see the difference. Now I know what I was changing for, why I kept trying-to get here.
I tell everyone: it's maybe not 100% my best life, yet I think I can see it from here.
I love who I am and what I do. I take pride in myself, or I try to anyway. I accept my needs and weaknesses and strengths and beauty. I only allow people in my life who treat me with respect, which I could never say before.
I eat a better diet now. Avoid empty carbohydrates like sweets, sodas, bread, pasta, which I used to eat constantly, I've probably cut my calories by 25% regularly there. Then I eat real food, usually what I cook/make myself from raw ingredients, heavy on the seasonal produce and twice weekly or so additions of lean meats. Tons of beans, legumes and fermented food.
I exercise regularly which is a relatively new habit. I can now comfortably walk 3-4 miles (once a day, over hours, but hey, better than ten minutes!) and/or ocean swim for half an hour at a time... which is great because the Pacific is goddamn freezing so if I'm out there without a wetsuit it's NOT going to be more than half an hour.
So this birthday I'm excited to see the results of my commitment to my body finally paying off.
((bunches of numbers follow)) I'm definitely seeing progress, fibromyalgia/PCOS be damned. I've lost about 16 inches (40cm?!) off my waist! I am down 10 dress sizes, from a 24 to a 14. Weight loss is less excitingly, around 50lbs (22kg). Clearly I've done a tremendous amount of composition change, though. Finally, my A1C (USA measurement of blood sugar over the last 3 months) is down to 4.9 (aka a 97 on a fasting blood test) from a regular testing of 5.5 (prediabetes is 5.7+). My HDL is up, my LDL is down, and my triglycerides are normal instead of over 300.
-----------
Setting aside the numbers, the change in my mood is undeniable. I work around twice a week, and serve as a volunteer advocate as well. Most sunny days, you can find me at a beach off the beaten path, where there's no cell phone reception but lots of cannabis. We chat, not usually about politics, and we commiserate and laugh. One particularly sweet woman brought me a flower in an actual vase today for my birthday, and a cider too! Someone else gave free handmade soap with my handmade sunscreen purchase too: the vibes are real, ppl.
I have purpose and drive and ambition. I'm happy and sad and angry and optimistic, confident and quiet and articulate and anguished. Grieving and laughing, full spectrum. In therapy again, still in love with the same wonderful man (4 years and counting), shocked to be this delightfully happy because it's real and everything I worked for.
I never wanted to die, I just wanted the pain to stop. I can say with certainty now it has, and I've made the world a better place for that.
Over the next year, I'm delightedly expecting all of these beneficial changes to continue and accelerate.
I welcome future physical confirmation that my body is relearning homeostasis and releasing the inflammatory overload that extreme stress (aka abuse) caused me. I will keep working to gently improve my physical health to my peak. I plan to continue to nourish my body with plants and whole ingredients, cooking for myself as much as possible. I want to learn how to surf kayak and will spend lots of time in the ocean as much as I can.
My mental health will gain greater stability and I'll fully own my resiliency AND my awesome powers. Using those awesome powers for good, not evil, I will grow in the peer movement and the volunteer spirit. I will seek out opportunities to raise my consciousness and affirm my commitment to learn from those wiser, regardless of age.
I especially want to encourage my mindfulness shift and seeing all the good in myself as well as the world. I'm fantastic: genuinely kind, witty, beautiful and doing my best. I'm not perfect, but realistically I'm more authentic and compassionate than more people as well as more sensitive and intelligent. I want to be PROUD of how AMAZING Erika is and I will keep making choices to facilitate that.
I want to practice stand up comedy. I want to practice my bassoon. I must continue to have amazing people around me who care about me, build me up and see me for how I am. On days when I can't hold myself up, I'm so lucky to have Trav, to have my new story of found family and best partnership.
Happy birthday to me, and many more.
Originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment there (
), or feel free to comment here.
It's my birthday, and I am 33. I live on the California Coast with my fiance and my beagle. I'm the happiest I've ever been; maybe I just didn't know what full body relaxation felt like, until I physically felt like I was thousands of miles away from everyone who's in my nightmares, with the sun on my face and the ocean in my ears. I finally know who's in my nightmares now, too.
Can't imagine I've ever mourned so truly as I have over the last year. Back then, when I couldn't keep my head above water, every wave looked just as bad, just like all the rest. No difference between a riptide or a low tide to me, I drowned all the same. My emotions were a flood and my logic a desert, and nothing could adapt quickly enough. Now the seasonal shift is regular, and I see the difference. Now I know what I was changing for, why I kept trying-to get here.
I tell everyone: it's maybe not 100% my best life, yet I think I can see it from here.
I love who I am and what I do. I take pride in myself, or I try to anyway. I accept my needs and weaknesses and strengths and beauty. I only allow people in my life who treat me with respect, which I could never say before.
I eat a better diet now. Avoid empty carbohydrates like sweets, sodas, bread, pasta, which I used to eat constantly, I've probably cut my calories by 25% regularly there. Then I eat real food, usually what I cook/make myself from raw ingredients, heavy on the seasonal produce and twice weekly or so additions of lean meats. Tons of beans, legumes and fermented food.
I exercise regularly which is a relatively new habit. I can now comfortably walk 3-4 miles (once a day, over hours, but hey, better than ten minutes!) and/or ocean swim for half an hour at a time... which is great because the Pacific is goddamn freezing so if I'm out there without a wetsuit it's NOT going to be more than half an hour.
So this birthday I'm excited to see the results of my commitment to my body finally paying off.
((bunches of numbers follow)) I'm definitely seeing progress, fibromyalgia/PCOS be damned. I've lost about 16 inches (40cm?!) off my waist! I am down 10 dress sizes, from a 24 to a 14. Weight loss is less excitingly, around 50lbs (22kg). Clearly I've done a tremendous amount of composition change, though. Finally, my A1C (USA measurement of blood sugar over the last 3 months) is down to 4.9 (aka a 97 on a fasting blood test) from a regular testing of 5.5 (prediabetes is 5.7+). My HDL is up, my LDL is down, and my triglycerides are normal instead of over 300.
-----------
Setting aside the numbers, the change in my mood is undeniable. I work around twice a week, and serve as a volunteer advocate as well. Most sunny days, you can find me at a beach off the beaten path, where there's no cell phone reception but lots of cannabis. We chat, not usually about politics, and we commiserate and laugh. One particularly sweet woman brought me a flower in an actual vase today for my birthday, and a cider too! Someone else gave free handmade soap with my handmade sunscreen purchase too: the vibes are real, ppl.
I have purpose and drive and ambition. I'm happy and sad and angry and optimistic, confident and quiet and articulate and anguished. Grieving and laughing, full spectrum. In therapy again, still in love with the same wonderful man (4 years and counting), shocked to be this delightfully happy because it's real and everything I worked for.
I never wanted to die, I just wanted the pain to stop. I can say with certainty now it has, and I've made the world a better place for that.
Over the next year, I'm delightedly expecting all of these beneficial changes to continue and accelerate.
I welcome future physical confirmation that my body is relearning homeostasis and releasing the inflammatory overload that extreme stress (aka abuse) caused me. I will keep working to gently improve my physical health to my peak. I plan to continue to nourish my body with plants and whole ingredients, cooking for myself as much as possible. I want to learn how to surf kayak and will spend lots of time in the ocean as much as I can.
My mental health will gain greater stability and I'll fully own my resiliency AND my awesome powers. Using those awesome powers for good, not evil, I will grow in the peer movement and the volunteer spirit. I will seek out opportunities to raise my consciousness and affirm my commitment to learn from those wiser, regardless of age.
I especially want to encourage my mindfulness shift and seeing all the good in myself as well as the world. I'm fantastic: genuinely kind, witty, beautiful and doing my best. I'm not perfect, but realistically I'm more authentic and compassionate than more people as well as more sensitive and intelligent. I want to be PROUD of how AMAZING Erika is and I will keep making choices to facilitate that.
I want to practice stand up comedy. I want to practice my bassoon. I must continue to have amazing people around me who care about me, build me up and see me for how I am. On days when I can't hold myself up, I'm so lucky to have Trav, to have my new story of found family and best partnership.
Happy birthday to me, and many more.
Originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment there (
), or feel free to comment here.