Warm you like the sunshine (stand in the light)
Rargh. Well, I'm still working on that sex entry. It's long, and it's going to be IM transcripts, which an extremely awesome friend (hi 
woggy!) wrote a script to colorize for me, but I still have to go through and edit out any friend-incriminating details, double space between speakers so it's actually readable, etc. I feel bad enough that I can't seem to hold onto enough energy for a long enough space of time to write a decent actual entry about it all, as opposed to just barraging my journal with chat logs, so this is my semi-compromise: the chat logs must be READABLE.
In related news, been visiting Josh for the last two weekends at his new apartment in South Central Middle of Nowhere. I have recently come to the realization that when I praised the things I liked about Iowa supposedly in general, I was mostly praising characteristics of Iowa City. Small rural towns make me nervous, because people there are always kinda giving me the side-eye, which makes me feel like they're wondering "what's this Mexican doing here" (pro-tip: I grew up in Iowa, and also, I'm not Chicana) or "why is this woman making conversation with me" (hm, maybe because I'm a generally friendly person and if I'm going to spend the spoons to leave my house, I'm not going to pretend anyone else doesn't exist, what would be the point of that).
Yes. So, not too enthused about where he lives, but aside from the undoubtedly shitty road conditions coming this winter, since I don't really have to interact with random people while I'm there, it's totally bearable.
And Josh continues to be ... awesome. Really, this is the kind of new relationship happiness that always drives me nuts to see in other people, because so often I would get into relationships where I didn't even really like the other person, for various reasons, but... as I told him today when I had to leave for the second time, because we'd missed moving my pillows out to my car--"Sir, you are both a gentleman and a scholar. You also fuck like a machine. Now, let me close my door, stop kissing me or I will probably never leave."
Also, at a different point, I managed to finally tell Josh that I was totally falling for him, and he returned the sentiment in full, so that was very awesome.
On this last visit I had some major paroxysms of anxiety, but shout outs to
panda, my very own mother, and Leigh, who sacrificed their time and energy to let me babble at them and comfortingly validate how I felt and wait with me on the phone until I calmed down.
(Seriously, Leigh, above and beyond, woman. I was tapping out a convo on gtalk via my cell phone because I was sitting in my car chain-smoking at 5:30AM and this indomitable, incredible woman took time after working a full eight hour shift to calm me down so I didn't end up leaving everything besides my purse behind. I was not even wearing shoes, that's how freaked out I was at that point. [It was about 50°F at that hour of the morning. Yes, I often do just have to laugh at myself, why do you ask?])
I haven't really exposed Josh to the full brunt of my periodic crazy yet, and it's not so much that I'm "waiting" on that as I feel like I'm pretty okay right now with leaning on other people about it. Plus, I'm about 95% sure that most of this is the goddamn Cymbalta, which my psychiatrist lowered to 20 mgs at our last appointment. We'll see if that helps; it's a bit better now but I don't think I'm out of the woods yet.
This anxiety spikes feel like growing pains to me-not signals that something is wrong. It just feels strange, uncomfortable to be with someone like this, because they make me happier, because they make my life better, instead of some desperate bid to be Okay or overcompensating & trying to repeat the pattern I had with my older brother and Fix it this time.
I start worrying and the thoughts all feel the same, really: why does he like me, why does he want to spend time with me, why is he affectionate at all when I haven't been trying to be super awesome woman to overcompensate for how difficult it must be to deal with me, etc etc...
My therapist calls this kind of person a tor-mentor. All of these things Josh is causing my psyche to bring up-I was going to have to deal with them sometime. Why not now, with someone who cares about me, and seems to want only the best for me? Why not now, when I can address them and be a better version of myself afterwards?
And when I'm relaxed, when I can breathe, when I can be present in the moment, it all seems so clear: it's his choice to like me, I didn't trick him into it, I'm just who I am and he likes who that person is, because I'm actually maybe a likeable person. Moreover, I don't have to frantically try to fix everything because I'm not actually broken.
What a radical idea. I'm not sure I could've conceived of it any time but now. Yet... Here I am. I've survived, bloody, perhaps, but unbowed.
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
Originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment there (
), or feel free to comment here.
woggy!) wrote a script to colorize for me, but I still have to go through and edit out any friend-incriminating details, double space between speakers so it's actually readable, etc. I feel bad enough that I can't seem to hold onto enough energy for a long enough space of time to write a decent actual entry about it all, as opposed to just barraging my journal with chat logs, so this is my semi-compromise: the chat logs must be READABLE.
In related news, been visiting Josh for the last two weekends at his new apartment in South Central Middle of Nowhere. I have recently come to the realization that when I praised the things I liked about Iowa supposedly in general, I was mostly praising characteristics of Iowa City. Small rural towns make me nervous, because people there are always kinda giving me the side-eye, which makes me feel like they're wondering "what's this Mexican doing here" (pro-tip: I grew up in Iowa, and also, I'm not Chicana) or "why is this woman making conversation with me" (hm, maybe because I'm a generally friendly person and if I'm going to spend the spoons to leave my house, I'm not going to pretend anyone else doesn't exist, what would be the point of that).
Yes. So, not too enthused about where he lives, but aside from the undoubtedly shitty road conditions coming this winter, since I don't really have to interact with random people while I'm there, it's totally bearable.
And Josh continues to be ... awesome. Really, this is the kind of new relationship happiness that always drives me nuts to see in other people, because so often I would get into relationships where I didn't even really like the other person, for various reasons, but... as I told him today when I had to leave for the second time, because we'd missed moving my pillows out to my car--"Sir, you are both a gentleman and a scholar. You also fuck like a machine. Now, let me close my door, stop kissing me or I will probably never leave."
Also, at a different point, I managed to finally tell Josh that I was totally falling for him, and he returned the sentiment in full, so that was very awesome.
On this last visit I had some major paroxysms of anxiety, but shout outs to
panda, my very own mother, and Leigh, who sacrificed their time and energy to let me babble at them and comfortingly validate how I felt and wait with me on the phone until I calmed down.
(Seriously, Leigh, above and beyond, woman. I was tapping out a convo on gtalk via my cell phone because I was sitting in my car chain-smoking at 5:30AM and this indomitable, incredible woman took time after working a full eight hour shift to calm me down so I didn't end up leaving everything besides my purse behind. I was not even wearing shoes, that's how freaked out I was at that point. [It was about 50°F at that hour of the morning. Yes, I often do just have to laugh at myself, why do you ask?])
I haven't really exposed Josh to the full brunt of my periodic crazy yet, and it's not so much that I'm "waiting" on that as I feel like I'm pretty okay right now with leaning on other people about it. Plus, I'm about 95% sure that most of this is the goddamn Cymbalta, which my psychiatrist lowered to 20 mgs at our last appointment. We'll see if that helps; it's a bit better now but I don't think I'm out of the woods yet.
This anxiety spikes feel like growing pains to me-not signals that something is wrong. It just feels strange, uncomfortable to be with someone like this, because they make me happier, because they make my life better, instead of some desperate bid to be Okay or overcompensating & trying to repeat the pattern I had with my older brother and Fix it this time.
I start worrying and the thoughts all feel the same, really: why does he like me, why does he want to spend time with me, why is he affectionate at all when I haven't been trying to be super awesome woman to overcompensate for how difficult it must be to deal with me, etc etc...
My therapist calls this kind of person a tor-mentor. All of these things Josh is causing my psyche to bring up-I was going to have to deal with them sometime. Why not now, with someone who cares about me, and seems to want only the best for me? Why not now, when I can address them and be a better version of myself afterwards?
And when I'm relaxed, when I can breathe, when I can be present in the moment, it all seems so clear: it's his choice to like me, I didn't trick him into it, I'm just who I am and he likes who that person is, because I'm actually maybe a likeable person. Moreover, I don't have to frantically try to fix everything because I'm not actually broken.
What a radical idea. I'm not sure I could've conceived of it any time but now. Yet... Here I am. I've survived, bloody, perhaps, but unbowed.
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
Originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment there (
), or feel free to comment here.