(no subject)
A lot of me really hates myself right now. Maybe if I did everything different I would still be happy and in love. I don't know, I feel like I have no choice but to let go. Its not just a person I am letting go of though. Its a big part of myself I am letting go of as well. I just want him to be the one holding me every night, I don't want to look for someone else. He is happy without me. There is nothing else I can do. He won't come back.
If I can just get through one week, just one week, maybe everything will be okay from then on. It feels like I won't even get through today.
I am completely disinterested when I am hanging out with other guys. Last night was a perfect example. Maybe I will just force myself to give Paul a chance. He is nice, good looking, seems good-hearted. Ugh! No! Fuck. What do I do! I can't picture myself happy in any fucking situation. I am such a miserable person.
Rashad tried to cheer me up by bringing me around new people. We went and partied in Boulder till 3am. I had a good time, shockingly, despite the fact that I was checking my phone every 5 seconds. Rashad stayed the night with me, thank god. I need someone to be there with me at night. The nights are the worst. I don't trust myself at night. I wish Rashad would just move in with me because then I wouldn't be so lonely . We could share my bed so I wouldn't wake up frantically at night anymore because another soul is laying next to me and knows I am next to him.
The tears are welling up in my eyes as I write this and I cannot be crying at the workplace.