(no subject)
I'm a good person right?
I try and put others before myself all the time. Why does this stuff keep happening to me? What I thought was the "love of my life", my soulmate -betrayed me. My heart aches so bad. I don't know what to do. I have cried so much that I am out of tears. I don't want to let go. Its stubborn, but I just don't want to let go. We were going to be together forever and have a family one day. He told me, and I believed him. I have never been so close to drinking and saying fuck it all. Maybe there is no one out there for me. I just want to leave this place forever. To top it off my guinea pig dies the next morning. I was hysterical, the only other living thing in my life that was always with me just died. Its like everything is coming to a close. I am sure it sounds stupid to stress over a guinea pig, but that was my baby. She was with me through breakups, freak outs, and tears.
Everyone says that he doesn't deserve me. They all just have to say that though. I blame myself to be perfectly honest. If I was prettier and not as much of a fucking loser antisocial nutcase maybe this wouldn't have happened and he would have still loved me enough to be true to me.
So here I am. Alone again. Hurting. Betrayed. Pathetic.
I need my friends more than ever. Kevin came out with me to Paris and made me feel like maybe there are people out there that do care enough to hangout with me. I just feel like all my friends are judging me because of this. I didn't even tell my friends because I was so scared of their passing judgements upon me. I kept it all to myself for two days (other than Kevin). How sad is that? I am so pathetic.
Why am I not strong enough to hold my head up high and get over this? Why am I not the independent women that I want so desperately to be, and was at one point? I try and tell myself that I am independent all the time but its all bullshit. I rely on others for happiness and now I am just lower than I could ever imagine.
I hate this "hipster" scene. Everyone is entangled with one another in some way and its just drama. I need to get out of that loop. Kevin put it all in perspective for me. I need to get out of this state. I will work as much as I need to so that I can get out.
I try and put others before myself all the time. Why does this stuff keep happening to me? What I thought was the "love of my life", my soulmate -betrayed me. My heart aches so bad. I don't know what to do. I have cried so much that I am out of tears. I don't want to let go. Its stubborn, but I just don't want to let go. We were going to be together forever and have a family one day. He told me, and I believed him. I have never been so close to drinking and saying fuck it all. Maybe there is no one out there for me. I just want to leave this place forever. To top it off my guinea pig dies the next morning. I was hysterical, the only other living thing in my life that was always with me just died. Its like everything is coming to a close. I am sure it sounds stupid to stress over a guinea pig, but that was my baby. She was with me through breakups, freak outs, and tears.
Everyone says that he doesn't deserve me. They all just have to say that though. I blame myself to be perfectly honest. If I was prettier and not as much of a fucking loser antisocial nutcase maybe this wouldn't have happened and he would have still loved me enough to be true to me.
So here I am. Alone again. Hurting. Betrayed. Pathetic.
I need my friends more than ever. Kevin came out with me to Paris and made me feel like maybe there are people out there that do care enough to hangout with me. I just feel like all my friends are judging me because of this. I didn't even tell my friends because I was so scared of their passing judgements upon me. I kept it all to myself for two days (other than Kevin). How sad is that? I am so pathetic.
Why am I not strong enough to hold my head up high and get over this? Why am I not the independent women that I want so desperately to be, and was at one point? I try and tell myself that I am independent all the time but its all bullshit. I rely on others for happiness and now I am just lower than I could ever imagine.
I hate this "hipster" scene. Everyone is entangled with one another in some way and its just drama. I need to get out of that loop. Kevin put it all in perspective for me. I need to get out of this state. I will work as much as I need to so that I can get out.