The world is a drought when out of love.
Been a while since I posted I guess. I've got a lot on my mind right now- friends, family, money, school, etc etc.
It's just starting to feel like everything is caving in. This whole situation with my grandma passing makes me feel like I'm a completely awful person. I really appreciate that people are concerned about me and my family but we don't need it. I keep saying you can't miss something you never had. That part of the family has not been a part of my life since I was a toddler. It was probably for the best. It's just a very twisted situation. I will admit that I am insanely jealous of anyone who was able to grow up with a good set of traditional spoil-you-rotten grandparents. I've always wanted something like that. But as I said- that side of the family is disturbed and will do anything to keep everyone apart. I really think my parents made the right choice in cutting them out of our lives. That being said this funeral and stuff just ends up being a total pain in the ass. I have to take this entire week off work to sit around. I really hate not being productive. I generally am a get up and go kind of person. So no work or class or basically responsibility at all is killing me. I need something to do. I'm basically just sitting and waiting for the dysfunction to begin. Gonna be one hell of a funeral and viewing. That's for sure.
And then there's this whole issue with a certain "friend." I'm not really sure what else there is for me to do. "I've done my part and most to all of yours." I mean really- I've been the only one to make any sort of motion to try and get together. I completely realize people are busy and don't have totally open schedules. Myself being one of them. But when you can't even make time for someone you once called your best friend there is obviously an issue. And one text after a month of barely speaking does not count. Even if you are "just checking." I can recognize that I might be difficult. I'm not one to respond via facebook. The purpose of facebook is to get connected to people you don't talk to regularly or want to keep up with. I don't feel like it's a means of making plans to hang out with a good friend. Pick up your damn phone and call. And I know you lost all your numbers. I don't really want to give this person my number... it's not like it will ever be used. It will just be taking up memory on their shitty phone. I sincerely hope I wasn't this bad when I had a boyfriend. I generally tried to balance friendship and romance. Some people will assume I'm just jealous and that I wish I had that. But I really don't. All your updates about loving your boyfriend sickens me. I'm not a wishy washy person. Even a little. I'm not affectionate in the least (I know I need to work on that)... so to see all this I LOVE BLAH BLAH makes me cringe with disgust. I've tried to be patient. But the truth is my feelings have really been hurt. They don't tell me what's going on in their life or how things are going. Sure they will initiate a text conversation but all I end up getting in response is one word answers, which is a total waste of my time and energy to resond. I would like some communication. Just show me that you haven't completely dropped me. Cause that's how it seems. I'm losing my patience and trust.
And on another note. I have this deep fear that I'm developing a disorder that could be extremely detrimental to my health. It comes and goes in spurts. I have to physically force myself to overcome these urges even if it leaves me sick to my stomach. I don't know how much longer I can fight it off. It's so frustrating to be able to step out of my body and see that my habits are unhealthy but still want to continue with them. It's a constant inner battle of logical versus emotional.
On a lighter note I feel like I'm finally getting over this intense feeling of lonely. I'm ok with being me and being alone. It's really not so bad. I guess it just takes some getting used to. Alright. I've started to ramble. Time to wrap this shit up. If you get all the way down here kudos to you for making it throught he summary of my mundane life.
It's just starting to feel like everything is caving in. This whole situation with my grandma passing makes me feel like I'm a completely awful person. I really appreciate that people are concerned about me and my family but we don't need it. I keep saying you can't miss something you never had. That part of the family has not been a part of my life since I was a toddler. It was probably for the best. It's just a very twisted situation. I will admit that I am insanely jealous of anyone who was able to grow up with a good set of traditional spoil-you-rotten grandparents. I've always wanted something like that. But as I said- that side of the family is disturbed and will do anything to keep everyone apart. I really think my parents made the right choice in cutting them out of our lives. That being said this funeral and stuff just ends up being a total pain in the ass. I have to take this entire week off work to sit around. I really hate not being productive. I generally am a get up and go kind of person. So no work or class or basically responsibility at all is killing me. I need something to do. I'm basically just sitting and waiting for the dysfunction to begin. Gonna be one hell of a funeral and viewing. That's for sure.
And then there's this whole issue with a certain "friend." I'm not really sure what else there is for me to do. "I've done my part and most to all of yours." I mean really- I've been the only one to make any sort of motion to try and get together. I completely realize people are busy and don't have totally open schedules. Myself being one of them. But when you can't even make time for someone you once called your best friend there is obviously an issue. And one text after a month of barely speaking does not count. Even if you are "just checking." I can recognize that I might be difficult. I'm not one to respond via facebook. The purpose of facebook is to get connected to people you don't talk to regularly or want to keep up with. I don't feel like it's a means of making plans to hang out with a good friend. Pick up your damn phone and call. And I know you lost all your numbers. I don't really want to give this person my number... it's not like it will ever be used. It will just be taking up memory on their shitty phone. I sincerely hope I wasn't this bad when I had a boyfriend. I generally tried to balance friendship and romance. Some people will assume I'm just jealous and that I wish I had that. But I really don't. All your updates about loving your boyfriend sickens me. I'm not a wishy washy person. Even a little. I'm not affectionate in the least (I know I need to work on that)... so to see all this I LOVE BLAH BLAH makes me cringe with disgust. I've tried to be patient. But the truth is my feelings have really been hurt. They don't tell me what's going on in their life or how things are going. Sure they will initiate a text conversation but all I end up getting in response is one word answers, which is a total waste of my time and energy to resond. I would like some communication. Just show me that you haven't completely dropped me. Cause that's how it seems. I'm losing my patience and trust.
And on another note. I have this deep fear that I'm developing a disorder that could be extremely detrimental to my health. It comes and goes in spurts. I have to physically force myself to overcome these urges even if it leaves me sick to my stomach. I don't know how much longer I can fight it off. It's so frustrating to be able to step out of my body and see that my habits are unhealthy but still want to continue with them. It's a constant inner battle of logical versus emotional.
On a lighter note I feel like I'm finally getting over this intense feeling of lonely. I'm ok with being me and being alone. It's really not so bad. I guess it just takes some getting used to. Alright. I've started to ramble. Time to wrap this shit up. If you get all the way down here kudos to you for making it throught he summary of my mundane life.