brain purge.
its been so long since i wrote here. i barely remember what it feels like to cleanse my mind of the days events. for some reason, i abandoned the tradition, and at times i feel my heart pound and my head swim with the overwhelming flood of thoughts and emotions. i think its healthy to release, and to be honest, lately i feel like there is no one who could come close to understanding how i feel about anything. then again, they say the only person who you can truly trust is yourself.
i feel lost; kind of like i am going in the right direction, but sometimes it gets cloudy and i lose my way. i find myself reverting to my inner thoughts, and clamming up. the stress of life is so heavy sometimes its hard to put on a happy face. i wish there was someone who could come close to even begin to understand how i feel, its just so hard to face facts sometimes its like the weight of the world is resting on my shoulders and no one is quite strong enough to help me bear the burden. i push onward hoping for relief in the future. sometimes things seem dark, but i hope, and maintain faith that there is something that will keep morale high.
ever since arthur died, i have been a completely different person. i cant explain how it changed me, but it was like a switch flipped and the things that i cared about were no longer important. life took on a new meaning in a way, and i look at things from an entirely different perspective. i take everything with a grain of salt; nothing can always be what it seems. i felt like a piece of me died with him. the part that was fun and interesting. i no longer feel worthwhile, rather a shadow of what i used to be. i can vaugely remember what it felt like to be truly alive. it was something i took completely for granted, and one of my only regrets is that i never fully embraced how truly free i once was.
i feel empty. although i have found a love i never thought existed, and i cherish every moment of it, i feel like it would only take one second to crush it. i have no faith left in the goodness of people. i want so badly to feel like he wants me the way i want him; that he desperately needs me the way i long for him. it is almost like a lie i tell myself every day: that he could possibly even understand how deep my feelings run for him. how the only thing left in my life is him. how i feel like i had somehow lost myself, and he managed to find the piece i lost, and returned it to me. i cant breathe when i think about how bad he could possibly hurt me, how devestated i would be if he wronged me. if he lied or cheated how horrible i would feel. it would essentialy kill me. he can never know how much of my heart is his. it would be all to easy for him to crush it.
maybe i substitute sex for the feeling of closeness. perhaps i use it in order to feel something real. im not exactly sure why, but in that moment i believe he loves me. its hard for me to express my self. i feel so rediculous and alone.
i have always believed that i was deserving of someone's unadulterated love and compassion. that i was worth the estra mile, and that my presence could brighten someones day. i hope it exists because i tell myself it does. it makes me wonder if love is just an illusion.
i have needs too. i feel sad some times and need a shoulder to cry on, but i find that there is none there for me. that the only shoulder that gets cried on is my own. i put so much of my self into the happiness of others that i feel that there is none left for me. i wish just once, someone would do something for me because they knew it would make me happy. without me asking or implying. i am so tired of being the person who works my ass off. my heart pounds and my legs shake because i feel so anxious and let down. its ok because in the end, i know it will all pass, and tomorrow i will feel better.
we all have moments of weakness, and id rather not show mine. i feel better and worse all at the same time.
he snores in the other room, but does he know how much i care? does he know i lose sleep over it? does he know i cry because i feel inadequate ?
he would shrug me off, and roll his eyes. he doesnt truly care. but then again, i deserve it. what goes around comes around full circle. im getting whats coming to me. the only thing is, i dont know how much more my heart can take. i cant stand myself right now. i am weak, i am a fool. i am actively sabatoging the only good thing i have ever had because i cant keep my mouth shut. why is this so hard ? i feel terrible.... like i am losing myself. i hope that i can catch my breath before its too late.
that part that hurts more than anything.... the most ironic thing about all of this..... is the only truly vivid and unwavering memory i still have of him is laying in his bed, and looking into his eyes. our noses touch, and we say nothing. he smiles ..... looking into one eye, and then the other. in that moment, it was the only time in my whole life i ever felt like someone fully trusted and loved me with every fiber of their being. i was the most important thing to him. and in that second, i knew we had exchanged hearts for ever.
only now do i realize that i still have his. its just filled with sadness. cold and dead.
why ?
i feel lost; kind of like i am going in the right direction, but sometimes it gets cloudy and i lose my way. i find myself reverting to my inner thoughts, and clamming up. the stress of life is so heavy sometimes its hard to put on a happy face. i wish there was someone who could come close to even begin to understand how i feel, its just so hard to face facts sometimes its like the weight of the world is resting on my shoulders and no one is quite strong enough to help me bear the burden. i push onward hoping for relief in the future. sometimes things seem dark, but i hope, and maintain faith that there is something that will keep morale high.
ever since arthur died, i have been a completely different person. i cant explain how it changed me, but it was like a switch flipped and the things that i cared about were no longer important. life took on a new meaning in a way, and i look at things from an entirely different perspective. i take everything with a grain of salt; nothing can always be what it seems. i felt like a piece of me died with him. the part that was fun and interesting. i no longer feel worthwhile, rather a shadow of what i used to be. i can vaugely remember what it felt like to be truly alive. it was something i took completely for granted, and one of my only regrets is that i never fully embraced how truly free i once was.
i feel empty. although i have found a love i never thought existed, and i cherish every moment of it, i feel like it would only take one second to crush it. i have no faith left in the goodness of people. i want so badly to feel like he wants me the way i want him; that he desperately needs me the way i long for him. it is almost like a lie i tell myself every day: that he could possibly even understand how deep my feelings run for him. how the only thing left in my life is him. how i feel like i had somehow lost myself, and he managed to find the piece i lost, and returned it to me. i cant breathe when i think about how bad he could possibly hurt me, how devestated i would be if he wronged me. if he lied or cheated how horrible i would feel. it would essentialy kill me. he can never know how much of my heart is his. it would be all to easy for him to crush it.
maybe i substitute sex for the feeling of closeness. perhaps i use it in order to feel something real. im not exactly sure why, but in that moment i believe he loves me. its hard for me to express my self. i feel so rediculous and alone.
i have always believed that i was deserving of someone's unadulterated love and compassion. that i was worth the estra mile, and that my presence could brighten someones day. i hope it exists because i tell myself it does. it makes me wonder if love is just an illusion.
i have needs too. i feel sad some times and need a shoulder to cry on, but i find that there is none there for me. that the only shoulder that gets cried on is my own. i put so much of my self into the happiness of others that i feel that there is none left for me. i wish just once, someone would do something for me because they knew it would make me happy. without me asking or implying. i am so tired of being the person who works my ass off. my heart pounds and my legs shake because i feel so anxious and let down. its ok because in the end, i know it will all pass, and tomorrow i will feel better.
we all have moments of weakness, and id rather not show mine. i feel better and worse all at the same time.
he snores in the other room, but does he know how much i care? does he know i lose sleep over it? does he know i cry because i feel inadequate ?
he would shrug me off, and roll his eyes. he doesnt truly care. but then again, i deserve it. what goes around comes around full circle. im getting whats coming to me. the only thing is, i dont know how much more my heart can take. i cant stand myself right now. i am weak, i am a fool. i am actively sabatoging the only good thing i have ever had because i cant keep my mouth shut. why is this so hard ? i feel terrible.... like i am losing myself. i hope that i can catch my breath before its too late.
that part that hurts more than anything.... the most ironic thing about all of this..... is the only truly vivid and unwavering memory i still have of him is laying in his bed, and looking into his eyes. our noses touch, and we say nothing. he smiles ..... looking into one eye, and then the other. in that moment, it was the only time in my whole life i ever felt like someone fully trusted and loved me with every fiber of their being. i was the most important thing to him. and in that second, i knew we had exchanged hearts for ever.
only now do i realize that i still have his. its just filled with sadness. cold and dead.
why ?