I don't feel as out of place anywhere else as I do in my own home town
So far nothing about being home for summer has made me so much as smile...
I spent the better part of today and yesterday working at the grocery store, you know the place, and it's sucked. I'll be back there tomorrow...sadly. I really do hate that job.
Other than working I spent some time with friends. That's always fun...
I always seem to looking for a means to get myself out of my conscious state of mind, drinking...what have you...
Maybe I have an addiction. Maybe I'm just sick of myself.
I feel so numb to everything. Like I'm not even alive. Nothing matters, nothing phases me...I hate feeling like this. I'm not depressed, or anything like that...I just can't see myself fitting into my own life. If that even makes any sense. I don't feel like I have anything to believe in. God knows I don't believe in myself...and I can't find anything else...so what do I have?
I'm not sure I like being home. I feel uncomfortable...not like in my house, or with my family. It's the fucking scenery...it's so stale I'm sick of it. Like I know where every road leads...I've seen how far this place goes, I know how far it can take me...Nowhere else do I feel so out of place than in my own home town.
I've made the conscious decision that I am a product of my environment and my experience. So I can't be held responsible for anything...
I already know how summer is going to pan out for me...I'm going to spend most of my time either sleeping or working. I'll spend time with friends and that will be about all that keeps me going. I'm having sincere doubts that Copperfield will ever be anything more than a hope of mine...I just have nothing to look forward to.
Here's a little something that's been building up inside me...
I'm so fucking sickened by everyone in a relationship. And by sickened I mean, sickened and extremely jealous. It must be nice to have everything in order, set in routine...just perfect. All the away messages or profile notes to each other...gag me. I know that I am being entirely hypocritical because I was guilty of the same. I'm just miserable and jealous. Worst part is...I don't even want a relationship. I made another decision...based on that I'm only a product of my environment and experience...I'm going to give back to the opposite sex...and by that I mean, I'm going to be the biggest fucking asshole I can be. I know how it feels to have a broken heart, and I'm sick of trying to save others from knowing how that feels...sick of being the nice guy, who actually gives a fuck...
Ever seen that ridiculous away message or profile quote that reads: "Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hott..." THAT'S THE BIGGEST LOAD OF BULLSHIT I'VE EVER READ. None of that actually works. None of it. There was a time where I would have believed that...but I've run out of good intentions...I've run out of optimism...I've run out of hope.
Fuck it...it's bed time
night.
~f2
I spent the better part of today and yesterday working at the grocery store, you know the place, and it's sucked. I'll be back there tomorrow...sadly. I really do hate that job.
Other than working I spent some time with friends. That's always fun...
I always seem to looking for a means to get myself out of my conscious state of mind, drinking...what have you...
Maybe I have an addiction. Maybe I'm just sick of myself.
I feel so numb to everything. Like I'm not even alive. Nothing matters, nothing phases me...I hate feeling like this. I'm not depressed, or anything like that...I just can't see myself fitting into my own life. If that even makes any sense. I don't feel like I have anything to believe in. God knows I don't believe in myself...and I can't find anything else...so what do I have?
I'm not sure I like being home. I feel uncomfortable...not like in my house, or with my family. It's the fucking scenery...it's so stale I'm sick of it. Like I know where every road leads...I've seen how far this place goes, I know how far it can take me...Nowhere else do I feel so out of place than in my own home town.
I've made the conscious decision that I am a product of my environment and my experience. So I can't be held responsible for anything...
I already know how summer is going to pan out for me...I'm going to spend most of my time either sleeping or working. I'll spend time with friends and that will be about all that keeps me going. I'm having sincere doubts that Copperfield will ever be anything more than a hope of mine...I just have nothing to look forward to.
Here's a little something that's been building up inside me...
I'm so fucking sickened by everyone in a relationship. And by sickened I mean, sickened and extremely jealous. It must be nice to have everything in order, set in routine...just perfect. All the away messages or profile notes to each other...gag me. I know that I am being entirely hypocritical because I was guilty of the same. I'm just miserable and jealous. Worst part is...I don't even want a relationship. I made another decision...based on that I'm only a product of my environment and experience...I'm going to give back to the opposite sex...and by that I mean, I'm going to be the biggest fucking asshole I can be. I know how it feels to have a broken heart, and I'm sick of trying to save others from knowing how that feels...sick of being the nice guy, who actually gives a fuck...
Ever seen that ridiculous away message or profile quote that reads: "Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hott..." THAT'S THE BIGGEST LOAD OF BULLSHIT I'VE EVER READ. None of that actually works. None of it. There was a time where I would have believed that...but I've run out of good intentions...I've run out of optimism...I've run out of hope.
Fuck it...it's bed time
night.
~f2