(no subject)
I deal in self-fulfilling prophecies. I'm afraid that things are going to fall apart, and because I fear it, it happens in my head before anything actually goes wrong. I manifest disaster. Last night I remembered why it's not cool to date two people at the same time. Last night I remembered how I have no willpower and just like always, all I wanted to do was call Greg and apologize again. I did call him, but I didn't apologize this time... eventually I guess you just have to let it go. I don't feel terribly guilty anymore, but I do still love him. I don't think that goes away. I keep waiting to wake up one day and not love him anymore... it already happened once so I know it's possible. It doesn't seem to be going as effortless the second time around. I guess maybe sometimes there are people in your life you just don't ever get over completely.
Greg is the reason why I can't fall in love anymore. It's not because I'm afraid of getting hurt, although that's always a concern... it's because I'm so afraid of having the power to break someone again. It's not just that I don't want to hurt people, because who does? It's that I don't want to have the power to hurt them. It's that I don't want my fragile willpower to be the one thing standing between someone's happiness and pain. I don't want to be tested because I'm honestly afraid that I'll fail. Afraid that I've already failed. Afraid to lose again because I've already lost so much. Afraid to have things that it will hurt me to lose. I wonder how long you live your life with this much anxiety before you eventually learn to just let go of control. Just let your life happen without fearing for every second. Learn to finally let go of the past.
Learn to stop waiting for the day when he'll finally realize what a mess you are, what a catch you were, what a heart breaker you can be...
Greg is the reason why I can't fall in love anymore. It's not because I'm afraid of getting hurt, although that's always a concern... it's because I'm so afraid of having the power to break someone again. It's not just that I don't want to hurt people, because who does? It's that I don't want to have the power to hurt them. It's that I don't want my fragile willpower to be the one thing standing between someone's happiness and pain. I don't want to be tested because I'm honestly afraid that I'll fail. Afraid that I've already failed. Afraid to lose again because I've already lost so much. Afraid to have things that it will hurt me to lose. I wonder how long you live your life with this much anxiety before you eventually learn to just let go of control. Just let your life happen without fearing for every second. Learn to finally let go of the past.
Learn to stop waiting for the day when he'll finally realize what a mess you are, what a catch you were, what a heart breaker you can be...