(no subject)
I ain't being funny
I ain't got the breaks
I ain't got the aces
I ain't got the stakes...
if only.
I got a job. I get paid. I go out and see people. I sleep regularly when I'm not having fever dreams. I go to drum and bass parties a lot, I've met the kind of people that can help me throw them when I'm ready. next month I'll be getting a house in the city with people I can't wait to live with. most days I get funny looks from the people that come into the center because I can't stop smiling. Lara can't stand my optimism. dare I say I'm happy? I don't. when I'm alone I feel like it's impossible for all of this to belong to me. seeing Lucas again was strange. he looks like shit. I'm almost worried about him but there's no space in my head for it. I wonder if I'll ever feel as though I fully escaped that part of my life. I wonder if I want to... I don't feel well today because I'm fucking ill. I guess that's what you get for kissing strangers and refusing to listen when they tell you to take vitamin c. I hope he'll call. I'm sorry Sam. I knew eventually I'd find someone that could hold my attention, I just didn't know it would happen so fast. I think about him all the time. I almost feel reckless and dangerous again but I have little anchors holding me to the earth. my job. my roommates. my sanity...