Today in 15m: Restless and pathetic
Now come to today, not a good day either, still feeling tired, didn't exercise and came to work, worried about sending money home, doing my work and all that stuffs.
Anyway, couldn't do any work in the morning because I couldn't concentrate, worried for my family, so went to send the money and this time I was successful, *whoh* feel a lot better now, a big stone lifted from my shoulder. I feel very bad when I cannot help my family in time of crisis.
So after I send my money I came to office, talked to my mother and *bang* there goes couple of hours, time just runs away when I talk home. After talking to her finally concentrated on my work and after an hour my father calls. He wants to send money to him too (FYI I send money to my Mom without my father's knowledge, if he knows about it, he will take all the money and my Mom will be left empty handed, so he doesn't know that I have send some money home). I love my father and will do anything with his problems but I just don't trust him with money because of his gambling problems. My sister warned me not to send any money to him but when I talked to him it sounded like he was in big trouble, he didn't said it to me explicitly or directly but I know he owes millions to bank and lenders and he must be in deep trouble if he is asking money from me and I just received my first paycheck. He said not to pay my student loan now, send him money first and I hate owning money to anyone, I just want to finish my debt asap but he does not understands this. I cannot tell him that I don't want to give any money in his hands because I am scared of his gambling problem but I cannot, we don't have that kind of relationship. So I agreed to sending him most of my paycheck.
Oh how I hate, I worked for so long(6-7 weeks) to get this money and I will spend all of it in couple of days. Hate this capitalist, material world. I have to buy some stuffs, pay my rent, pay my debt, send money at home and after doing all of it, I don't have a penny left to save.
*cry, sigh, grief, pain * Man I am feeling so many things at the same time. Damn, this money hurts you so much. I want to help my father, cannot tell him how I feel because he will feel I am ungrateful for all the things he did for me, which I am SO NOT. I want to help him.
So I decided, I will talk to him tomorrow nicely, I will ask him like an adult to tell me about his debt and I want to pay it, but I will pay it with my student loan. I am a grown up now, with grown up problems and he has to deal with me like an adult and not like a kid. Hope he understands that I love him, want to help him and has his best interest in my heart.
Another incident today worth mentioning. I doodle a lot, it helps me get my frustration out of my system, helps me to concentrate and get the artistic side out of me. All in all it helps me to be happy and content with my life. So Y came to my desk and saw my doodles( which I pinned infront of me, it makes my laugh and happy everytime I see it) and starts bothering me and throw thousands questions on me. This is how it went:
Y: What is this?
Me: Nothing, leave it alone, it is private you idiot.
Y:OMG, What have you drawn and written over here?
Me: Just my random thoughts, to clear my head, helps me to concentrate on my work.
He starts reading everything I have written and doodled
Y: Wow, you waste so much of your time on it to help you concentrate, which you can spend working
Me: *getting angry now* You won't understand, it is complicated.
Y: I thought you were normal, but clearly you are not
Me: Yeah, it is all an act. I am really an axe murderer
Y: What? *really scared now* Have you ever killed anyone?
Me:*smirk* No, not yet, but you are on top of my list because you annoy the hell out of me and I am thinking of killing you sometime soon.
Y:*Totally scared now, but tries to laugh* Ohh, I will not bother you anymore. I didn't knew you were dangerous. Sorry *then he leaves*
Me: *smile, happy, best thing in the whole day*
So, this was the best part of this shitty day
Anyway, couldn't do any work in the morning because I couldn't concentrate, worried for my family, so went to send the money and this time I was successful, *whoh* feel a lot better now, a big stone lifted from my shoulder. I feel very bad when I cannot help my family in time of crisis.
So after I send my money I came to office, talked to my mother and *bang* there goes couple of hours, time just runs away when I talk home. After talking to her finally concentrated on my work and after an hour my father calls. He wants to send money to him too (FYI I send money to my Mom without my father's knowledge, if he knows about it, he will take all the money and my Mom will be left empty handed, so he doesn't know that I have send some money home). I love my father and will do anything with his problems but I just don't trust him with money because of his gambling problems. My sister warned me not to send any money to him but when I talked to him it sounded like he was in big trouble, he didn't said it to me explicitly or directly but I know he owes millions to bank and lenders and he must be in deep trouble if he is asking money from me and I just received my first paycheck. He said not to pay my student loan now, send him money first and I hate owning money to anyone, I just want to finish my debt asap but he does not understands this. I cannot tell him that I don't want to give any money in his hands because I am scared of his gambling problem but I cannot, we don't have that kind of relationship. So I agreed to sending him most of my paycheck.
Oh how I hate, I worked for so long(6-7 weeks) to get this money and I will spend all of it in couple of days. Hate this capitalist, material world. I have to buy some stuffs, pay my rent, pay my debt, send money at home and after doing all of it, I don't have a penny left to save.
*cry, sigh, grief, pain * Man I am feeling so many things at the same time. Damn, this money hurts you so much. I want to help my father, cannot tell him how I feel because he will feel I am ungrateful for all the things he did for me, which I am SO NOT. I want to help him.
So I decided, I will talk to him tomorrow nicely, I will ask him like an adult to tell me about his debt and I want to pay it, but I will pay it with my student loan. I am a grown up now, with grown up problems and he has to deal with me like an adult and not like a kid. Hope he understands that I love him, want to help him and has his best interest in my heart.
Another incident today worth mentioning. I doodle a lot, it helps me get my frustration out of my system, helps me to concentrate and get the artistic side out of me. All in all it helps me to be happy and content with my life. So Y came to my desk and saw my doodles( which I pinned infront of me, it makes my laugh and happy everytime I see it) and starts bothering me and throw thousands questions on me. This is how it went:
Y: What is this?
Me: Nothing, leave it alone, it is private you idiot.
Y:OMG, What have you drawn and written over here?
Me: Just my random thoughts, to clear my head, helps me to concentrate on my work.
He starts reading everything I have written and doodled
Y: Wow, you waste so much of your time on it to help you concentrate, which you can spend working
Me: *getting angry now* You won't understand, it is complicated.
Y: I thought you were normal, but clearly you are not
Me: Yeah, it is all an act. I am really an axe murderer
Y: What? *really scared now* Have you ever killed anyone?
Me:*smirk* No, not yet, but you are on top of my list because you annoy the hell out of me and I am thinking of killing you sometime soon.
Y:*Totally scared now, but tries to laugh* Ohh, I will not bother you anymore. I didn't knew you were dangerous. Sorry *then he leaves*
Me: *smile, happy, best thing in the whole day*
So, this was the best part of this shitty day