stick a fork in me, i'm done
So I think this makes it official...I've posted more in the past week than I have all semester. Woohoo. Gotta love drama, exhaustion, frustration, and resignation. This should probably be locked, but honestly? I'm over it.
Basically: I'm sick and tired of being second best. Of being the stand-in gal. Do they think that I don't know they'd rather have my sister or my best friend over me? Sometimes both? I'm not daft, you know. I know I'm not Emily or Mel. I also know that I'm not good enough as Katherine.
Is there any way for me to win? Even a little bit? Once, please, just once, let me not be second-best. And I'm not just talking relationships...I'm talking friendships.
Brian, Daniel, Nick, Jordan, Adam, Keagan...none of them want(ed) me. I was just as close as they could get to "the real thing." At least at the time. The sad part is? I'm fucking used to it. Not surprised at all. The worst part? Each and every time I was aware of it and just chose to pretend otherwise. Well, as of right now I'm done.
It's 5:15 am. I barely slept Tuesday night and spent all Wednesday morning and early afternoon throwing up and curled up miserably in bed. I haven't slept yet. I have 2 hugs tests and a quiz tomorrow and I know I won't get to sleep tonight. I am just so. fucking. tired. So tired that I can't even sleep. I read a 420-page book that I know by heart tonight because I couldn't sleep. I listened to the storm. I cleaned. I studied. I tried to sleep and failed miserably.
I can't do this anymore. I can't. I can't live like this or deal with the bullshit, even when I bring it upon myself. I just can't.
I can't.
Basically: I'm sick and tired of being second best. Of being the stand-in gal. Do they think that I don't know they'd rather have my sister or my best friend over me? Sometimes both? I'm not daft, you know. I know I'm not Emily or Mel. I also know that I'm not good enough as Katherine.
Is there any way for me to win? Even a little bit? Once, please, just once, let me not be second-best. And I'm not just talking relationships...I'm talking friendships.
Brian, Daniel, Nick, Jordan, Adam, Keagan...none of them want(ed) me. I was just as close as they could get to "the real thing." At least at the time. The sad part is? I'm fucking used to it. Not surprised at all. The worst part? Each and every time I was aware of it and just chose to pretend otherwise. Well, as of right now I'm done.
It's 5:15 am. I barely slept Tuesday night and spent all Wednesday morning and early afternoon throwing up and curled up miserably in bed. I haven't slept yet. I have 2 hugs tests and a quiz tomorrow and I know I won't get to sleep tonight. I am just so. fucking. tired. So tired that I can't even sleep. I read a 420-page book that I know by heart tonight because I couldn't sleep. I listened to the storm. I cleaned. I studied. I tried to sleep and failed miserably.
I can't do this anymore. I can't. I can't live like this or deal with the bullshit, even when I bring it upon myself. I just can't.
I can't.