the past
Packing is too hard to do right now. It's too emotional to rediscover cards, love letters, engagement ring, and the like. I know what is in my past, who is in my past. I carry it with me always. But to read things from a few specific people, telling me they love me forever and can't wait for our future together...well look at us now, we have no future. How do I ever believe that true love actually does exist? I had it, and lost it each time. And they found other people. But what about me? Forever, always...those words should not exist, and I don't think I can ever believe them again. I have had three "loves of my life" - one of whom gave me nothing but heartache, sickness...and the first wonderful memories of being a lesbian, and yet I have not been able to stop loving her all these years. Another was my fiancee. We loved and cared for each other, loved each other's families, and survived a lot of long distance. She's married now, to someone else. The third, she was my everything. We were together longer than we had ever been with someone else, we were family, we took care of each other, opened each other's minds, learned from each other, grew together, were intertwined in each other's lives in every single aspect, and despite our problems, I envisioned our future and I never ever thought we would never be a we. But we are no longer. I lost my partner recently, and I have been trying to move on...but what we had is irreplacable. She was my best friend. I don't know what to believe anymore. My whole life I have wanted marriage and kids, and hopeless romance. I have had incredible relationships that I will cherish forever. But I fear my faith in true love has faded for me. I want to believe I won't be alone for the rest of my life, but sometimes I truly believe that I will. I know there are other important things in my life: work, school, friends, family...but in the long run, love is number one...and I have lost three number ones so far. I don't ever want to lose another. I have to go pack all these things into a box that will stay in my parent's garage and not come into my new apartment. But the memories, the sadness, that can't stay behind.