PERSONAL SUN: CHAPTER TWO
TITLE:
Personal Sun
CHAPTER TWO: All I Know (Technically 2, since continuing on from Stephanie Meyer)
SUMMARY:
“I couldn’t even say goodbye, the word seemed next to pathetic after everything Carlisle had achieved. I hated to be another disappointment. But this was all I knew. This was the only way I knew how to spare Isabella Swan’s life. “
RATING: PG
WORDCOUNT: 3500
THANKS TO MY BETA’S
This fanfiction is my version of Midnight Sun!
PERSONAL SUN
This was the only way I knew how to spare Isabella Swan’s life.
Chapter Two: Alaska
There was something that I was sure of. I was speeding down the road in the hospital’s direction. I hadn’t been thinking and my mind was somewhere else entirely. I knew what I had to do, and disregarded that perhaps my family would be hurt by my weakness. I was somewhat surprised that even in my state of being that was rather less-controlled that my mind directed me to where I really needed to go. I had thought that the monster had so far emerged from within that every second I didn’t spend composing my self control, I would subconsciously be heading towards the one thing my body longed and yearned for. My throat was so dry. I couldn’t think anymore about it.
But I did continue to think about it, and I couldn’t stop myself. The speed my car was gaining as it drove down the empty street only accelerated my excitement.
I was thrilled at about how easily I could have her if I wanted to. I was not so charmed as I was shamed at that thought, however.
When I pulled into the hospital’s parking lot, I screeched my car to a halting stop, parking right next to Carlisle’s car. The space was marked for Dr. Mirth, not that I really cared whose parking spot I was holding at the current time. Dr. Mirth had probably headed off for the day anyway; it wouldn’t be a problem. That was until he showed up…
I was going to dash to the back hospital door which clearly read ‘staff only entry’, but my senses told me that there were humans around. Collateral damage, again! One man was pointing at me with an angered face. Oh great, he was walking over towards me now. What is Cullen thinking? Just because he is Carlisle’s son does not mean he is staff of the hospital, I’ll straighten that little son of a-
“I’ll only be here for a moment, and I plan to take my father’s car home for him tonight. He requested that I park mine right next to his so that he has something to drive home in.” I raised my eyebrow at him, waiting. I could hear other soft murmurs coming from a group of women, but it was too far away, I’d have to focus hard if I wanted to listen to their idle and petty thoughts. I could tell the man in front of me - Richard - if his mind told the truth - was riled up. I could smell the anger coursing through his veins. Though I was in such frenzy, his blood did nothing for me. This surprised me momentarily, next to the Swan girl’s scent his seemed nothing more than dirty. I cringed, but only because I needed her back, was she the only one who would satisfy my thirst now? I panicked for a moment. I envisioned her limp body in my hands as I savoured the most precious and disgustingly desirable blood I would ever come across vividly in my mind. There was only one reason I was able to break myself from my twisted thoughts. And that was an angry security guard who was obviously a little too high on small town authority.
Richard looked upset that I had cut him off before he was about to speak, almost cautious. But I knew that it was plausible to act like I knew what was going through his head, or what was wrong with my park. Maybe his prudence was helpful for him at this time. I chuckled, because although people rarely used their survival instincts these days, due to the security of city-living, I noticed on many occasions that they were still highly prominent. This Richard, although angry at me, was quite noticeably wary of me.
“Is that alright?” I asked, smiling politely. No one could think that Dr. Cullen’s son was a rude and obnoxious person; I never wanted to harm his reputation. I played my cards right; this man wouldn’t disobey the authority of the hospital. Bloody Cullen, his boy is in a need for a rude awakening.
“I guess so then... I will be checking with Dr. Cullen myself later however...” There is no way his father would have allowed this, it is strictly prohibited. He started to walk away disgruntled, and as he did there was no need to welcome his thoughts anymore.
I headed for the hospital door again, though this time I decided to save myself the hassle of analysing my surroundings, and just walked. Even though I loved the day time much more immensely than I did the night, it was still horrible being out during the day and having to be aware of myself every second. Sometimes when the thirst kicked in, now for example, my body was ten times more inclined to move naturally. I had to get to Carlisle. I had this feeling that upon the moment I saw him, I would be reminded of all the reasons I could not harm the girl.
Pushing open the hospital doors, I sighed to myself as a flood of noise hit me. Sometimes I wished that I would go back to my ways of solitude, stalking the people of the night who did horrible deeds. But I couldn’t, it had been hard to live with myself. Never again did I want to see something else staring back at me from the mirror. I was content and fulfilled in seeing Carlisle in my face, even if the path I’d chosen caused me to be bombarded with human thoughts between the hours of eight am till three pm every Monday to Friday. I started to pace quickly. There was chattering and thoughts everywhere; I didn’t have the time or patience to figure out which was what.
I couldn’t smell Carlisle anywhere yet, only the fresh blood of humans.
I turned right into his office after picking up his trail three doors down. He seemed to be expecting me. Well of course he was expecting me; he would have heard me a long time ago.
“Edward...” He paused when he saw my face. He seemed disappointed. Did I really look that horrifying right now? Did all the patience and self-control I had been practicing for eighty years slip from my face as soon as I crossed paths with that delicious creature? The Swan girl... fresh thoughts of her caused my eyes to involuntarily close. I smelled the air, as if almost wishing I could pick up on her. “What happened, Edward?”
“The Swan girl.” I grunted, and even though I had no need to breathe I was gasping heavily for air.
“Charlie’s daughter? She has come to stay with him for a little while, just a little Edward. I believe it’s while her mother goes somewhere with her partner. I don’t think that the child will stay long.” Carlisle put his pen down and stood from the table.
“I can’t take it. I have to leave.” My voice was hard and flat.
“Ah.” He seemed to understand now. “So you have come across your first?”
“She is my only one.” I seemed to linger too long on only, I liked those words. And I certainly liked the notion that someone had put her on this world and raised her simply so I would delight in her for a meal one day. I flinched, if only Carlisle knew. But his thoughts were still.
“You have to fight this Edward; I’ll admit it can be hard.”
“No one ever told me it could be like this, that something could smell so... so dreadfully sweet...” I turned away from him; I didn’t want him to see my face.
“Edward you can’t leave. Think of Esme.” He placed his hand on my shoulder. “If you go out and hunt tonight I promise it will be easier for you tomorrow. But you cannot run away. This is the whole learning curve, it’s a test don’t you see? How did I become so accustomed? I stood around blood every day at the hospital, wanting, needing, thirsting, and eventually it stopped.” He removed his hand and shut his office door that I had carelessly left open in my pitiable state.
“You haven’t smelt her.” I was frank with him.
“I doubt she would be appealing to me Edward, certain humans have different smells to certain types of our kind.” He seemed a little happy, his mind was positive, I picked through bits and pieces. Little did he know that I was not so brave. My hands slowly slipped from my hair, down to my waist were they stayed. The conversation had made me limp with shame.
“I have to go.” My heart almost broke when I thought of Esme and the rest, but particularly Esme. My mother lived to see us happy; having one of us torn from her would cause her a piteous amount of hurt. But I had to leave. “Since I met her, I have only been living in the hope that I can taste her one day. That is a large feat, but I feel like my body is only inching towards something that will result in me taking her every second.” I sighed and turned to look at him. He pitied me. I roared inside, he pitied me. That was what I was after all, a pathetic monster that was being destroyed by a small seventeen year old girl. It was hard telling Carlisle what lied beneath my mask of composure.
“Tanya’s clan.” His words were firm and hard. “Although their ways do not necessarily agree with ours, they have always been good friends.” I focused on his words for a moment and thought about them. I had been planning to just keep driving to let myself be carried away from her scent, but he put forward a more legit idea. “They are in Alaska, you know. It will take you maybe twenty to thirty hours, depending on your speed.” It was just like Carlisle, and it made me feel even worse. He wasn’t going to make me do anything against my wishes. Although he would prefer that I stay and fight it, he would help me leave and find a good home even if he didn’t want to. He’d already forgiven me for leaving once before. His patience was never-ending. If only I could be like...
Edward, please think about this.
“I have.”
Well then, best of luck.
I thought on Tanya with disgust, spending time with her would mean more self control as well. However, it was only the self-control to try and keep her feelings in mind whenever she expressed interest in choosing me as a mate. She was possibly the last person on earth I would want be with, especially at this point in time.
I ran my fingers through my hair. “I’ll need your car.”
He nodded and turned to walk towards his desk, I’m sure he had much more important work to attend to anyway, I was disappointed that I had to put him through something as trivial as this. I was just his pathetic son, who couldn’t keep a hold on myself. I watched as he sat down to begin another pile of paperwork. No matter the workload, his papers were always piled so neatly on his desk. This was a skill that many young doctors could never acquire. It did help if you had incredibly fast movements to aid your cleaning habits. Here I was, in awe of everything that Carlisle had created for himself, a life saving humans, a job surrounding humans, a life being as human as possible. For a moment, I saw the Swan girl in my head. What would it be like if I got to know her? Would I feel less of an urge to kill her then? I envied that Carlisle could so easily entwine his life with humans, but most of us normal type, who simply couldn’t resist the thirst, would never be as great of a man as he could ever be. I turned away from him and exited out into the white, sterile hall. I couldn’t even say goodbye, the word seemed next to pathetic after everything Carlisle had achieved. I hated to be another disappointment. But this was all I knew.
This was the only way I knew how to spare Isabella Swan’s life.
I pulled out my set of keys, which included a key to every car in the house. Rosalie had a little bit of an opinion to share about that, but I assured her that I wouldn’t be taking her red shiny car anywhere. Much too ostentatious for Forks anyway... I couldn’t bear to put up with her vain thoughts all night if I ever did take it.
I reached the deserted car park, happy to be able to move more naturally towards the car. The faster I reached Alaska the better. I hopped in the driver’s seat and slammed the door behind me.
WAIT EDWARD WAIT!
No need to concentrate when she was shouting at me. It was Alice.
She wasn’t far, and she pulled up behind me in Rosalie’s car. I groaned and stepped out, tapping my foot impatiently. It seemed she had something for me.
“Thank god.” She sighed in exasperation, running towards me with some paper in her hand. She hadn’t bothered to close the convertible’s door. This delighted me, knowing that our conversation would be short. “I knew all along, I knew.” She beamed at me. “Edward you could never harm anyone.”
My eyes narrowed at her, if only she knew how I had been daydreaming about taking the life so vividly.
“Here.” She took a hold of my hand and shoved a map within its grasp. I blinked. “Silly, you’re too busy thinking about what a monster you are to even realize that you don’t know the way to Alaska!” She gave me a hard nudge on my elbow. “You wouldn’t have noticed until an hour into the trip that you were completely lost, because you’re thinking about her.” She said it cautiously but I blinked again, this time at my own stupidity. She was right. I was just about to get in the car and drive, but I actually didn’t have a clue where I was going. Regardless the amount of times I had been there, the trip was still a very long, and curvy one. I unfolded a map to see her clearly drawn writing and marks all over it. It showed me the way, and made notes at the tricky turnoffs, or places that I could be most likely to lose myself.
I suddenly felt terribly guilty. She wasn’t even asking me to stay.
“Thanks Alice.” I smiled at her softly. This could possibly be the last time I would see her for a year or so.
“No problem. We will miss you.” She seemed to be pressing her lips hard together in thought, then she unleashed her typical Alice fury on me. She wrapped her arms around me tightly. I stood firm in my place, trying not to drop the map. Why couldn’t I help but see Esme’s pained face in my mind? Was Alice purposely trying to show me how my mother had reacted?
“Please be safe.”
I assured her I would.
Then she left, the reckless way she had turned the corner left a trail of dust and smoke in the still parking lot
I was truly alone now.
“Okay, I’ll try this again.” I muttered to myself. I threw the map over into the empty passenger’s seat and started the engine. I could already feel the power radiating from the car. It was power that my Volvo just did not possess, my prop car that only suited to keep the towns folk from talking about just how much money the Cullen’s might have under their belt. It would not have been enough for the drive to Alaska, especially if I wanted to make it in less than twenty hours.
I reversed back into the car park, swerving around another car before I hit its bumper. I wasn’t afraid though, because I had never hit another car.
I slowed after driving for five minutes or so. I knew why my body had instinctively pulled the car to a stop, but my mind yes yet to work it out. I now sat in my car before her house. Why did I have to pass the house on the way? Questions swirled through my mind, and I realized I was frozen in place. Would she be home from school now? What would she be doing? Was her father home? I didn’t need much more to inform me of the questions, through the trees I could see only her hideous truck parked in the driveway.
“Drive Edward, drive...” I screwed my face up and gripped the steering wheel tighter. Why couldn’t I pull myself away? It was as if every inch of me called out cowardly for not taking the finest delight I would ever taste. Why do I deny myself? I saw Carlisle.
Because you don’t have a right to take her, Edward.
I screamed in anguish, bashing my head against the steering wheel. “Just do it! Just push down on the accelerator.” I slammed down hard, lurching myself forward. Never before had my senses caused that reaction from a car. Before I knew it I was speeding down the road in turmoil.
She was only an insignificant human, why couldn’t I have her? I took in a deep breath of air.
“Her name is Isabella Swan. Her father is Charlie, the police chief of this town. She is his only family and killing her would cause him pain. She has a mother in Phoenix.” But I could not continue. She was still only a human.
No matter what I said to myself, I couldn’t see her as anything other than my meal, the grand course of my life. Perhaps the breakfast, lunch, dinner, and dessert all together, in terms of human meals. I couldn’t believe I had lived life without the taste of her blood.
But it was alright, with every second that passed in the car I was even further from hurting her. With every moment I resisted, I pushed back the monster further within, I had to do this. For Esme, for Alice, for Carlisle. Even for Jasper, who fought with this kind of thirst almost every day and handled.
I didn’t know what I was going to do about my mother. I had made promises with her, when she was only newborn that we would all stick together and it was going to be alright. She never had much trouble with the thirst, after all her compassionate nature was only heightened by her immortality. How pathetically weak I felt next to her brave soul. She would hurt just knowing that I wanted the girl, because I had promised her that I would never harm another human again, just as she promised me.
Here I was abandoning everything we had fought for together.
It was hard to believe in the stillness of my car and the quiet of the ever stretching abandoned road framed by large green trees, that I had been so unfortunate.
The girl - no, the creature had forced me to leave my home, my purpose and my town. She had come to me like a fire, and although there was nothing for her to burn, I wished there was. How had she done it? What was her secret?
My thoughts were at rest now, just as hers had been. I turned a corner and looked for the turnoff Alice had suggested on the map. The bloodlust she had rippled through me on her arrival in the seat next to me, somehow by fate, had caused me to forget a more pressing issue. I would never know what her secret was. I couldn’t hear her thoughts.
This made me nervous. At first I thought that perhaps I wasn’t doing it properly, like I had lost my self confidence in my natural ability. But that wasn’t the case, I could see that now. The whole time I sat next to her, wishing that my teeth could just sink firmly into her soft skin, I hadn’t heard one thing from her mind. She was clearly frightened from her body language. But from her mind, there was... nothing.
I guess I didn’t have to worry about that anymore. I would never see her again.
Never was a very long time.
For her anyway. I grinned.
.A FANFICTION BY SATURNSTARS.