ANSWER TO REQUEST: NEEDS FOR FIRE AND ICE
TITLE: Needs for Fire and Ice
PAIRING: EdwardxBella
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: “My eyebrows furrowed with anger at the memory of their kiss.
Jacob’s mental pictures had been enough to kill me, and when you’re already
dead that’s a hard feat to achieve. If she just hadn’t kissed him back... if she
just hadn’t... My eyes gazed around the room, dazed for a moment. Her lips...
where touched by another. My calmness soon faded and I unleased my anger
on the room before me.“
DISCLAIMER: This story is from Edwards POV, telling of what the poor man
when through when Bella cried that part of herself that loves Jacob out of
herself. This story was written in response to a fellow Lion_Lamb user Beeezy,
who requested a fanfiction from Edward’s POV.
WORDCOUNT: 3238
NEEDS FOR FIRE AND ICE
I tapped the edge of the desk nervously. Alice’s thoughts were calm for the time being and this wasn’t a big help due to the frantic pacing I had been doing the past hour, I knew I needed some sort of information on Bella soon. Sure it wasn't the best idea to go on and wish that her car would soon return from the border. At least I could admit that I was selfish.
She’d been over two hours. When would she be coming home? Home as in back to me, back into my arms. More than anything I wanted to be that huge warm house with fuzzy carpet and comfortable beds that she longed to return to. A warm set of arms that she knew would hold her no matter what.
I paced frantically, and for once I was glad that Jasper was not here to calm me down. There were just sometimes where I wanted to be angry. My eyebrows furrowed with anger at the memory of their kiss. Jacob’s mental pictures had been enough to kill me, and when you’re already dead that’s a hard feat to achieve. If she just hadn’t kissed him back... if she just hadn’t... My eyes gazed around the room, dazed for a moment. Her lips... were touched by another. The calm facade I had been fronting for Alice soon faded and I unleased my anger on the room before me.
I slammed my fist down on the table, breaking it into two pieces. It was a moment before I'd noticed my grave mistake.I stared at the desk in shock. That was one of Carlisle’s desks from Italy; it probably had more sentimental value than any other piece of furniture did in the house. It was dangerous how much I loved Bella; I couldn’t see anything else around me clearly. I knew he would be accepting, but I couldn’t believe what I had just done.
Everything that was happening was tearing me in two, allowing her to be herself, a part that existed with me, and a part that existed with him. I shook violently at the thought of her choosing Jacob. This was the last time she’d ever see him if she didn’t. It would be the last time she ever saw me if she did. He could be kissing her now; he could be touching her now. I felt my stomach turn at the thought. No, she wouldn’t do that again. Bella wouldn’t do that to me again. But some part of me was scared that when she returned I would smell him on her lips, on her body, and I wouldn’t be able to bring myself to say anything in fear of losing her.
Just as I was closing my eyes vivid images of Bella flashed through my head. She was crying heavily and her car was coming to a slow stop. She couldn’t even bring herself to turn the engine off.
“She needs you now,” Alice said from behind me. But I didn’t need her to tell me, I had already seen. “Edward just control yourself a little-“ I turned my head and shot a glare at her. Her words stopped dead in their tracks but I could hear what she was thinking. Her eyes glanced nervously at the little bit of Carlisle’s past that I had recklessly shattered in two.
“I won’t be home tonight.” I hissed at her, turning around with velocity and speed. Alice already knew I wouldn’t be home.
She was in her truck; I’d have to run to her.
Picking up the speed after I exited the front door, I ran as fast as I could, wishing myself that for once I could cry with her. The road was barely a flash of colours within my gaze. All I could see was her, and all I knew was that she had chosen me and it was hurting her terribly.
I couldn’t help but laugh to myself as I tried to pry open her truck door. Even with all my abilities, I couldn’t be subtle, or quiet with her senior citizen truck. She barely took a glance up at me and continued to wrap her arms around herself with pain. As I leaned closer to her, I was relieved to find that his scent rested nowhere other than her hair. They had been embracing, and perhaps he had planted a couple of kisses on her head. I wasn’t sure, but there were areas on her forehead where his stench was more potent. I pulled her into my embrace, happy that her lips carried only traces left behind from me. She seemed to cry out in pain as her arms wrapped around me, like for those few seconds my two firm arms around her, were not the two firm arms she needed. I felt a stab at my chest and hoped that it was just my imagination. I had never felt second best, or even tied, but right now in the cloudy midday sun I suddenly knew that I was just that.
I had nobody to blame but myself.
As she sobbed violently into my jacket, I was happy that she couldn’t see the pain across my face... It was a mutual pain, a hurt that mirrored her own. It was all I could do for her. A pathetic being such as myself eternally locked in a state that would never change, could never cry with her.
Her fingers slowly unclasped from around my grey coat and she hesitantly pulled back slightly, her eyes rising to mine. I knew that she was too scared to show me the pain in her eyes, and her gaze soon flickered to the steering wheel.
“I’d better go see Charlie.” She wiped away her tears and put on a terrible excuse of a smile. I brushed my finger against her cheek lightly, taking her face in between my hands. Her cheeks were overheated from all the warm tears and crying, the blood in her cheeks slowly transferred heat to my ice-cold hands.
“Are you sure you’re ready to go home?” I questioned her with wide eyes. She nodded firmly.
With a sigh I exited the car to journey over to the driver’s seat. After opening the door, I wrapped two arms around her small, delicate body and cradled her to my chest. The hug was only momentary and she wrapped her arms around my neck, giving me the okay to pick her up.
Her warm breath moistened the cold skin of my neck and I shivered inwardly. The smell of her tears were now on my cheeks as well. I felt sick and utterly disgusted that my nose delighted in her sorrow. I was never healthy for her, Jacob was right. The notion he had put forward had infuriated me, yet now when I looked down at her pain the notion only stilled me. My stubbourn mind told me to be modest and accept the fact that Jacob most certainly did have a valid point. However,every other ounce of my being yearned for Bella, and yearned to be the very most important thing in her life. No matter what I would keep her safe, that wouldn’t be a problem now.
She took in a deep breath of air suddenly, her quick sobs had caused a quick and large intake to fill her lungs. As I placed her down comfortably on the passenger’s seat her big brown eyes quivered for a few moments. I didn’t have to look at them to see newly fresh tears were welling there, I had smelt them arise ten seconds ago. Her bottom lip trembled as I looked down at her with concern. The pain in her eyes was enough to freeze me in place, I didn’t want to drive her home, I didn’t want her to see Charlie, I wanted to take her away and lay her down somewhere safe. I would hold her in my arms and watch as she cried herself to sleep. But more than anything, I wanted to be the one she could share her thoughts with. I knew she wouldn’t do that tonight.
I shut the door firmly when she had settled down in her place, walking briskly over to the driver’s seat in the car. I promised myself that I wouldn't try to force the car over fifty, I’d drive at her pace today.
I started the loud engine and slowly accelerated forward. It took a couple of moments for the truck to really start driving properly, but within a minute I was casually returning her to a familliar place.
I couldn’t hear her frustrated tears anymore, her breathing had calmed. I stole a glance at her when she turned her head to look out the window. Was she preparing for Charlie? Was she wishing right now that she had stayed with Jacob instead of crossing that line? It was moments like these that it pained me so, not knowing what was going on through my little Bella’s mind.
She was so beautiful. How did she not know the gravitational pull her little frail self had on me. It was strong enough to pull two worlds together, mine and hers.
I turned my head back to the road, and concentrated on driving, for her sake.
Pulling up to her driveway I almost had to stop myself from calling out her name as she exited the car. The more anxious and overprotective side of me always liked to open the door for her. It wouldn’t be a first if she tripped on the way out of the truck, and the last thing she needed tonight was a sore ankle as well. But with one reluctant glance from her in my direction, I had decided to hold my tongue.
“See you upstairs,” she muttered to me quietly as I walked her up the to the front door, without Charlie catching me. I nodded and turned to make a dash for her window. That was enough of a hint to tell me she wanted Charlie to think she was alone.
I waited against her wall, hearing odd parts of their conversation here and there. But more than their conversation I zoned in on Charlie’s distressed thoughts because of their loud nature. I also knew that he wasn’t going to follow into her bedroom; despite the fact he knew she was upset. He didn’t seem to like tears, or know how to deal with them. He would leave her alone for the rest of the day.
Her door burst open; I quickly dodged her hug and shut the bedroom door behind her, making it back before she could fall into my arms safely. She hadn’t even bothered holding her tears in as she walked up the stairs, they were already streaming down her face, I could feel the wetness on my chest. I sighed heavily and carried her to the bed.
I cradled her because that’s all I could do. There were many things I contemplated doing for her as the midday sun slowly became afternoon sun. I thought about giving her what she wanted, making love to her. Many times when her hands trailed up to my face, I thought about holding her in position and planting a firm kiss on her lips. My mind was wracked with questions, and I couldn’t decide what to do. I thought about touching her, it was the only way I knew how to distract her from her thoughts, but before I would have the chance to work up the courage, her face always turned away from me, hiding a fresh set of tears.
BELLA! She drove me insane, I had absolutely no idea what was going through her head. I pitied myself for having no other beneficial ideas. Of course I was an idiot, I was being completely absurd. Here she was trying to make amends with herself for hurting someone she loved - who loved her. Here she was trying to justify to herself why she couldn’t be without me, why she had chosen me, and I was thinking about kissing her?
I stood from the bed suddenly and flopped myself down on the rocking chair. She looked at me with pained eyes. But who was the pain directed at?
“I’ll stay don’t worry...” I whispered, the room was becoming darker now. She let out a loud cry, and almost became hysterical. She even had to cup her hand over her mouth to stop her sharp intakes of breath.
What was going through her head?
“Bella!” I ran to her side but she simply rolled herself into a ball, trying to muffle her cries into her chest. “Bella please, tell me what is wrong!” I begged of her, trying to stroke the wet hair out of her face. She didn’t reply.
I ran my fingers through my stiff hair and paced her room. I had to be more useful than this. I had to be able to do something about this. She had been crying for almost four hours now, it was dark, twilight. I thought that meant that one day was ending and another was soon breaking. But she didn’t stop crying, she didn’t know yet how to leave Jacob behind. My heart was being ripped in two by her, but I could never let her know, because all of this was no-one else’s fault but my own.
I let a few minutes pass; the room had never once been still for me. I could sense her unease all around me.
“I shouldn’t have ever...” I looked down at Bella, she had calmed but she was still crying. I sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. I took one of her limp hands in mine and kissed her gently, smelling the throbbing pain underneath. Her heart was beating hard. If it was beating for me tonight I did not know, and I realised that I didn’t want to know either. She took my touch calmly and sighed. She was feeling a little better I could tell, so I settled myself next to her again. I should have never left her.
Her tears reminded me of how sly and horrible I was when it came to her.
“I didn’t say I would fight fair.”
My words rang in my ears and flooded my guilty conscience. I should have fought fair, maybe then she would be safe and happy. I didn’t want to second guess myself, Bella assured me more than enough that I was the one she wanted. But the pain I had seen in her eyes tonight made me feel so terribly small in comparison. I thought of how I had purposely allowed Jacob to hear our conversation.
I wanted him to know that she was mine.
The kiss he’d had with her was his idea of a victory, but I didn’t let him win. I was angry at Bella, of course I was. Some greedy part of me inside wanted to lock her up and make sure no-one ever saw her again. All the times she had kissed me and melted at my touch had made me bigheaded. I loved her just the same as she did me, so it didn’t matter. But she had kissed him, and freely too, with a passion I never allowed her to unleash on me. It made me sick to my stomach. But I loved her so much that I couldn’t let her see that. Jacob hadn’t won, because I had cunningly told Bella of Jacobs evil plan, which was that he had wanted to kiss her all along, and was going to do it with or without her permission. That wasn’t exactly the whole truth... But it was close enough. It was big enough of a story to make my quick forgiveness of Bella’s actions plausible. I did forgive her. She could kiss whoever she wanted and I would take her back. That was how pathetically in love with her I was.
I cringed.
But I wanted her to myself. Of course I did.
I glanced over at the clock, surprising myself. I had been lost in thought longer than I had initially thought. Her breathing was quiet and calm now, I could not smell any fresh tears. I was careful when I casually placed my arm over hers. I intertwined my fingers with her warm little hand, hoping that I wouldn’t wake her.
Wrong and Right.
I hissed to myself. I promised to her long ago, and to myself that wrong and right would never again be another factor in our relationship. I had accepted that I wasn’t healthy for her, because when I was away, I was even less healthy. I had gathered the resolve never to run away. If she got hurt, if I accidently put her in danger, we were going to work our way through the problems that arose from that... leaving was never going to be an option ever again.
I felt culpable as it crossed my mind. I could easily leave now. Her tears would be justified in the morning. She loved both of us; I had to accept that. So either way she was going to be in pain. Maybe it was better if I put her through that little bit more. Now that she had accepted that she loved Jacob, maybe her mind would more easily find peace. It would take a year, perhaps two at most. If I watched her from the darkness, Jacob and Bella might be the ones who were happily married in a year.
She could live a human life. She could have her own children.
Children...
If only I could give Bella a child. On this thought another part of me felt useless. If eternity got lonely for us, of course I could make her one. But how I would long for my own blood to be pumping through its veins. I could never be a father to her child, but she could be a mother to one.
NO.
I screamed at myself inside my head, if Bella had any idea what I was thinking... her heart would break. If I left her mine would break. She had turned me into more of a monster than she gave herself credit for. She had unleashed those ugly and selfish human emotions of jealousy and possessiveness within me, I wasn’t selfless anymore. I was going to keep her for my own. She was mine, and I had waited ninety years for her. I deserved her.
Even though I said the words to myself, I had created a new wound. Because deep down somewhere in my body, I knew that I most definitely did not deserve the beautiful creature that lay beside me. I couldn’t give her warmth on this cold night, or any night. I had to pull away even now as I noticed the Goosebumps on her body, created from my icy chill. I stood slowly, and returned to the chair always keeping my two eyes on her.
There was nothing more I could do. The room was dark and my shirt smelt of her tears, this soothed me a little.
I was in love with her. I couldn’t leave her now, not without her direct consent.
But I promised to mention it to her in the morning. Mention that perhaps she was making the wrong choice.
I would also stop the nonsense of everything else. I was sick of her doing my bidding to make Alice and I happy. I would tell her that the wedding was off, that she could have whatever she wanted, no strings attached. I’d change her; I’d try and sleep with her. I’d do whatever she wanted. She had to know that no matter what I had her wants and desires more than anything at the very surface of my mind. She had to know that I would do anything that she wanted, without some stupid deal being made to lengthen the time it took for her wishes to be true.
I wanted her to be my wife.
But more than anything, I just wanted her to be my Bella.
No-one else’s.
I could see now that there were going to be complications involved.
But I never said that I would fight fair.
-Edward
.A FANFICTION BY SATURNSTARS.
(Have a request? Email it to saturnstars@gmail.com I will let you know of its progress)
Also... comments FTW :)
"She seemed to cry out in pain as her arms wrapped around me, like for those few seconds my two firm arms around her, were not the two firm arms she needed"
"I couldn’t give her warmth on this cold night, or any night. I had to pull away even now as I noticed the Goosebumps on her body, created from my icy chill."
