Like two sides of a coin.
Two early-morning panic attacks a few days apart. The second one, from this morning, left me sort of blank-feeling and incapable of doing anything other than returning to bed and sleeping until noon instead of going to class. (Overall, I feel like I'm developing an aversion/indifference towards attending class and I can't tell if it's because the class is actually boring or something else.) I can feel myself sliding back into old, unhealthy thinking habits; short moments of intense paranoia, over-analyzing every detail, criticizing myself for having these moments, finding difficulty in being happy for others or being entirely incapable of being happy without feeling jealous, etc. When I went out to lunch yesterday with Dad and Adrian, I felt out of place. I'm having trouble adjusting to what feel like sudden, unexplained changes in situation and relationships. Ambiguity is freaking me out. That, in turn, triggering the paranoia and fear that I've done something to fuck up, which sucks because there's no actual evidence for it. And yet, I'm once again scared that I'm losing people, that they're getting tired of me--and worse, that they're deciding that I don't need to know any of this. It's bullshit but it's how I'm feeling and trying not to feel. Blugh. If the universe could give me a sign that everything is okay and I'm just imagining things, that would be nice.
I'm beginning to wonder if I'm hitting that point with my medication that my therapist warned me about--the plateauing effect. Good thing I have an appointment with him next week. Maybe he can help me figure out what's what and then maybe he'll let me talk about it instead of just writing me a new prescription and ushering me out the door in ten minutes like last time.
Hopefully July doesn't turn out to be a massive clusterfuck of emotions, especially because June was such an amazing month.
The trip to Florida was fucking awesome! It was a week in which I wasn't worried about a single thing apart from making sure I got up early enough to enjoy each day to the fullest. We didn't hit up all the Disney parks, but we hit up EPCOT (which is my favorite of the Disney parks) and Downtown Disney, which had Cirque du Soleil and that rocked.
The day before we left, Adrian and I hit up Universal Studios and the Islands of Adventure, which has the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I'm not even gonna lie, I totally cried when we arrived at the gate leading into Hogsmeade. And then I cried when we saw the Hogwarts Express. And then when we took a tour of Hogwarts, I cried every time I recognized which room we were in, especially the Gryffindor common room.
I am twenty-five years old, I swear.
I bought a wand to commemorate the occasion because what else does one do when they visit Hogsmeade? It's a badass-looking one, too:
"Hiss, hiss, motherfuckers!"
I probably would've stocked up on a store's worth of wizarding candy, except that by that point in the week I was pretty broke. /o\ So I bought a Chocolate Frog and I got the founder of Slytherin as my first card!
It feels a little weird, because I'm so pro-Ravenclaw, but...
And then there was Texas Comicon when I got home! It was a blast. I still don't know how to boil it down into a coherent recap, so I'm just going to redirect you to my Texas Comicon tag on Tumblr. I met a lot of cool people that weekend and I got to hang with Jen. They're a blast to hang out with and their cosplays are always on point.
I've also learned that I really like having a beard. It's so fuzzy and wonderful, you guys! They're fantastic! XD So I guess San Japan will be a Weekend of Beards. I've got to get a black beard and mustache set for my Dr. Death Defying cosplay and trim it down. I also have to trim down the Bobby one because it is SUPER bushy right now:
(Me with Jim Beaver, who plays Bobby, whom I was cosplaying as. In my Nerd Passport he wrote, "To Cris--Who looks better in a beard than I do!")
So I guess July is for last-minute cosplay prepping for the Dr. D cosplay and learning how to put on contact lenses for the Miku cosplay on Friday. Lord help me on that front...
I'm beginning to wonder if I'm hitting that point with my medication that my therapist warned me about--the plateauing effect. Good thing I have an appointment with him next week. Maybe he can help me figure out what's what and then maybe he'll let me talk about it instead of just writing me a new prescription and ushering me out the door in ten minutes like last time.
Hopefully July doesn't turn out to be a massive clusterfuck of emotions, especially because June was such an amazing month.
The trip to Florida was fucking awesome! It was a week in which I wasn't worried about a single thing apart from making sure I got up early enough to enjoy each day to the fullest. We didn't hit up all the Disney parks, but we hit up EPCOT (which is my favorite of the Disney parks) and Downtown Disney, which had Cirque du Soleil and that rocked.
The day before we left, Adrian and I hit up Universal Studios and the Islands of Adventure, which has the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I'm not even gonna lie, I totally cried when we arrived at the gate leading into Hogsmeade. And then I cried when we saw the Hogwarts Express. And then when we took a tour of Hogwarts, I cried every time I recognized which room we were in, especially the Gryffindor common room.
I am twenty-five years old, I swear.
I bought a wand to commemorate the occasion because what else does one do when they visit Hogsmeade? It's a badass-looking one, too:
"Hiss, hiss, motherfuckers!"
I probably would've stocked up on a store's worth of wizarding candy, except that by that point in the week I was pretty broke. /o\ So I bought a Chocolate Frog and I got the founder of Slytherin as my first card!
It feels a little weird, because I'm so pro-Ravenclaw, but...
And then there was Texas Comicon when I got home! It was a blast. I still don't know how to boil it down into a coherent recap, so I'm just going to redirect you to my Texas Comicon tag on Tumblr. I met a lot of cool people that weekend and I got to hang with Jen. They're a blast to hang out with and their cosplays are always on point.
I've also learned that I really like having a beard. It's so fuzzy and wonderful, you guys! They're fantastic! XD So I guess San Japan will be a Weekend of Beards. I've got to get a black beard and mustache set for my Dr. Death Defying cosplay and trim it down. I also have to trim down the Bobby one because it is SUPER bushy right now:
(Me with Jim Beaver, who plays Bobby, whom I was cosplaying as. In my Nerd Passport he wrote, "To Cris--Who looks better in a beard than I do!")
So I guess July is for last-minute cosplay prepping for the Dr. D cosplay and learning how to put on contact lenses for the Miku cosplay on Friday. Lord help me on that front...