The Trouble with Writing
I love NaNoWriMo. Really I do. I've done it four years in a row now, and completed it twice. I've never finished a novel though. Typically it's because I gave up on the story or I simply lost interest in it. This year, I want to finish what I started in November, with a passion.
I need a reader though.
My sister is typically my reader. She's a fanfic writer, like myself, and we always read and beta each other's stories. We tell each other how to make the story better, how to clear up confusing bits, what parts we liked, etc. My sister, Rebecca, is typically better at knowing what makes a good story than I am. She's taken Creative Writing twice, one in high school and once in college. She's majoring in Literature. I trust her more than I trust myself (though my own self-esteem is pretty low, so that may not be saying much).
This NaNo, I wrote a remake of Peter Pan: a modern take on the old story. I made my own characters - the old characters with new names and slightly different personalities, but quite similar. There's no magic in my novel though. There's no Neverland. It's Peter Pan if everyone were normal, mortal people. I like it. I've written nearly all of it. I've stopped writing it.
My sister wrote a Beauty and the Beast remake: Merlin style. She's still writing it. When she's done, she plans on converting it into a sellable novel by doing a few gender swaps and changing names. She posts her novel, chapter by chapter, on Livejournal and Fanfiction.Net. People comment back to her with praise and adoration.
I've got nothing like that. See, before Reb posts her story online, I read the chapter and beta it. I give my feedback and she edits accordingly. Even if I wanted to post my story online, I'd need it beta'd and edited at least once first. Reb won't read it. She says she thinks the difference is she's using known characters while in my story she has to learn all new characters. So I sat back and thought, "Who could I have read my story other than my sister?" Well, there are a few options.
My friend, who also writes fanfics and Nano: No. Her style is too different from my own. And she writes much darker material. Also, all she leaves when she comments is praise, and I know my story is riddled with holes and missteps. I need a thorough review.
My mom: No. For one, she'd never get around to it. Second, she'd not tell me what was wrong. At most she'd say 'Oh, it was nice.' She cares, really she does, and she's really supportive, but she wouldn't give it the effort it needs to be a good novel.
My mom's boyfriend: Hell. No. Just no. No. Dear God no. I don't respect him as far as I can throw him. And I can't even lift him off the ground.
My brother: No. He'd probably be too critical of it. He'd treat it like a finished work and expect it to be at its best and then make 'jokes' about how bad it is and how he expected more. Not really what my low self-esteem needs.
So I need my sister. She's my beta, my reader, my fixer upper. But she's not interested, and that hurts my writing in and of itself. It makes me think, "What's the point in continuing it? If Reb's not interested, why should anyone else be? And if she doesn't help me fix it, it'll be crap anyway." My mind goes to dark places. My self-esteem is right behind it. But of course, I don't tell my sister, because my self-esteem is low enough that I think I'm being to pushy or annoying if I ask her more than once every two weeks (It doesn't help that she snaps at me for having 'so much' to read every time I ask for even one chapter) and I always feel like I'm just in her way. Then I realize how depressing I sound and I read fanfics or watch Merlin vids or write some fanfic I'm halfway through instead of my NaNo so that I won't have to think about it.
So my NaNo novel, "Neverland", sits to the side. I wrote 50,940 words in November. In December, I've managed 8,644 and I've stopped. I only write it when I lack the inspiration for anything else. I doubt I'll finish Neverland before the deadline for a personal copy that they give to the 'winners' of their books (In like, August). I fear Neverland will become just another unfinished novel.
And I'm kind of ticked at my sister for not giving enough of a damn to read even one freaking chapter of my novel, when I've read every single word she writes for hers!
I don't really know if anyone will read this. I don't much care. I've just felt the need to rant about this somewhere, and Livejournal is the only place to do it. My family (mom) has my myspace (which I don't even use anymore) and my facebook and everything else. And everyone I know will comment on it if I post anywhere I have real life friends. And sometimes, you don't want your real life friends and family to know how you feel. You just want to bitch and for someone to listen. And I don't want my family and those friends-that-I-never-see-in-real-life-anymore-that-I-only-added-because-we-were-friends-at-some-point to comment. I don't want them to ask about it. Because I don't really have the ability to say anything to them, to answer them. So I place this low moment of my life here, where no one knows me in real life, where I won't get people I don't really care about but know anyway asking me questions, where I don't feel like if I post this I'll be judged for feeling this way.
And if you want to comment, sure, go ahead. I may or may not reply, but I'll read anything you post. And thanks for taking the time to read this at all, even if you don't comment. And I apologize for being so morose. I'm not usually so depressing.
I need a reader though.
My sister is typically my reader. She's a fanfic writer, like myself, and we always read and beta each other's stories. We tell each other how to make the story better, how to clear up confusing bits, what parts we liked, etc. My sister, Rebecca, is typically better at knowing what makes a good story than I am. She's taken Creative Writing twice, one in high school and once in college. She's majoring in Literature. I trust her more than I trust myself (though my own self-esteem is pretty low, so that may not be saying much).
This NaNo, I wrote a remake of Peter Pan: a modern take on the old story. I made my own characters - the old characters with new names and slightly different personalities, but quite similar. There's no magic in my novel though. There's no Neverland. It's Peter Pan if everyone were normal, mortal people. I like it. I've written nearly all of it. I've stopped writing it.
My sister wrote a Beauty and the Beast remake: Merlin style. She's still writing it. When she's done, she plans on converting it into a sellable novel by doing a few gender swaps and changing names. She posts her novel, chapter by chapter, on Livejournal and Fanfiction.Net. People comment back to her with praise and adoration.
I've got nothing like that. See, before Reb posts her story online, I read the chapter and beta it. I give my feedback and she edits accordingly. Even if I wanted to post my story online, I'd need it beta'd and edited at least once first. Reb won't read it. She says she thinks the difference is she's using known characters while in my story she has to learn all new characters. So I sat back and thought, "Who could I have read my story other than my sister?" Well, there are a few options.
My friend, who also writes fanfics and Nano: No. Her style is too different from my own. And she writes much darker material. Also, all she leaves when she comments is praise, and I know my story is riddled with holes and missteps. I need a thorough review.
My mom: No. For one, she'd never get around to it. Second, she'd not tell me what was wrong. At most she'd say 'Oh, it was nice.' She cares, really she does, and she's really supportive, but she wouldn't give it the effort it needs to be a good novel.
My mom's boyfriend: Hell. No. Just no. No. Dear God no. I don't respect him as far as I can throw him. And I can't even lift him off the ground.
My brother: No. He'd probably be too critical of it. He'd treat it like a finished work and expect it to be at its best and then make 'jokes' about how bad it is and how he expected more. Not really what my low self-esteem needs.
So I need my sister. She's my beta, my reader, my fixer upper. But she's not interested, and that hurts my writing in and of itself. It makes me think, "What's the point in continuing it? If Reb's not interested, why should anyone else be? And if she doesn't help me fix it, it'll be crap anyway." My mind goes to dark places. My self-esteem is right behind it. But of course, I don't tell my sister, because my self-esteem is low enough that I think I'm being to pushy or annoying if I ask her more than once every two weeks (It doesn't help that she snaps at me for having 'so much' to read every time I ask for even one chapter) and I always feel like I'm just in her way. Then I realize how depressing I sound and I read fanfics or watch Merlin vids or write some fanfic I'm halfway through instead of my NaNo so that I won't have to think about it.
So my NaNo novel, "Neverland", sits to the side. I wrote 50,940 words in November. In December, I've managed 8,644 and I've stopped. I only write it when I lack the inspiration for anything else. I doubt I'll finish Neverland before the deadline for a personal copy that they give to the 'winners' of their books (In like, August). I fear Neverland will become just another unfinished novel.
And I'm kind of ticked at my sister for not giving enough of a damn to read even one freaking chapter of my novel, when I've read every single word she writes for hers!
I don't really know if anyone will read this. I don't much care. I've just felt the need to rant about this somewhere, and Livejournal is the only place to do it. My family (mom) has my myspace (which I don't even use anymore) and my facebook and everything else. And everyone I know will comment on it if I post anywhere I have real life friends. And sometimes, you don't want your real life friends and family to know how you feel. You just want to bitch and for someone to listen. And I don't want my family and those friends-that-I-never-see-in-real-life-anymore-that-I-only-added-because-we-were-friends-at-some-point to comment. I don't want them to ask about it. Because I don't really have the ability to say anything to them, to answer them. So I place this low moment of my life here, where no one knows me in real life, where I won't get people I don't really care about but know anyway asking me questions, where I don't feel like if I post this I'll be judged for feeling this way.
And if you want to comment, sure, go ahead. I may or may not reply, but I'll read anything you post. And thanks for taking the time to read this at all, even if you don't comment. And I apologize for being so morose. I'm not usually so depressing.