[SOW English Translation]
If there was ever a beautiful bride to be seen it was Leonaela Conchita Bonita Boxerita standing in her gigantic white wedding dress as she looked up at her beloved Ramón. The preparations and arrangements had been so last minute that they had to make some revisions.
But that didn't matter! They were finally getting married! The wedding of the century!
That just happened to be on a row boat.
But it was, if you asked the one presiding over the ceremony, the most formidable rowboat in the area! At least until he got a better one! Or the Pearl came back. Standing precariously in the center of the vessel, Captain Jack Sparrow (in his best hat) cleared his throat and looked at the two people before him. "Last chance to back out, mate," he said in an undertone to the man with the hair.
There was no backing out for Ramón. He shook his amazingly silken mane of loose hair over his shoulder and gazed on this strange captain. "Backing out is for those who feel weakness in their hearts. The poets have written of the love sandwiched in our souls and today you and your tiny dingy will make history so long as we do not all drown horribly to the depths of the sea."
Leonaela nearly swooned at her lover's words "Even if we do drown, my love, our love will be eternal and our passion will be heard crying out every time the ocean tide hits the beach of this lovely little island!"
"Yes, well, I don't have herpes," Jack said because he wanted to feel included. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here on what is definitely not a tiny dingy to join this man and this woman in the bonds of holy matrimony."
Pleased the filthy-looking homeless scoundrel of a captain was clean, Ramón focused on the beauty of Leonaela before him. "In our binding we shall be one heart, one mind, forever pressed against the heaving bosom of mother Earth as the waters of her oceans roll and spray the seed of life across the face of time.
"Oh Ramón!" Leonaela whispered, a perfect tear flowing down one cheek. "If you only knew how much I loved you. I loved you even before we met. Before you knew the real me. It was your love that gave me the courage to be reborn so that I could love you in all my hotness glory!"
"Yes, well, that's all very nice, but now is the time where we listen to the pirate," Jack said, harrumphing and adjusting his hat. "Marriage is a terrible binding contract..o, savvy? She will suck the marrow from your bones, the treasure from your chests, and the vigor from your loins. And then she'll get fat. El chubby, savvy? Ye be absolutely sure ye want to go through with this?"
Ramón wiped the perfect tear from her cheek and winked at the pirate who would certainly feel the desperation of being without such a woman. "Dearest Leonaela, even with tiny worms coating the lining of your stomach, you will always be the hottest woman I have known in all my days roaming these lands! Never will excess pounds come between us."
"Oh Ramón! We have faced so much together!" She said her eyes glistening with love and passion. "If amnesia, evil dwarf magicians and flesh eating bacteria couldn't tear us apart, nothing ever will!"
"Evil dwarf magicians?" Jack repeated. "Interesting. Very well, on to the vows! Repeat after me please, er, Ramón. I, Ramón, promise from this day forward to love, cherish and honor you, to never steal your ship out from under you and leave you on an island to rot, and to always make sure the powder is dry, the rum is plentiful and the treasure abundant."
The captain knew how to put his words together, requiring a moment for Ramón to blink back a manly tear or two before clearing his throat to allow speech. "I, Ramón, promise from this day forward to love, cherish and honor you, to never steal anything that is not your heart, to never leave you to rot alone with your maggots, and to always ensure you have all you could desire."
And then a look crossed over Leonaela's face. One of fear. One of trepidation. "Wait! Ramón! There is something I must tell you first!" she said looking away. "I have been keeping a secret from you. This is not the first time we have met. Long before you met me in this form there was an operation. Many operations. One that made me look hot as can be but before this I was someone else. Someone you knew."
She took a deep breath and looked up into Ramón's eyes. Another perfect tear streamed down her face. "Before I was Leonaela Conchita Bonita Boxerita I had a different name. At that time you knew me as... Juan Sheppardo."
Jack gasped. This was going to be good.
"No! But you are so hot!" Ramón gasped, a hand pressed to his chest in eye-widening shock at this revelation. His eyes flashed of betrayal and his voice quivered with his lower lip. "How could you lie to me Juan? Juanita? Leonaela? I do not even know who you are anymore!"
"No! Don't you see?" Leonaela cried out, desperation clouding her features. "I'm still the woman you love. Just a woman who was made through surgery to be the perfect woman just for you. I have always loved you Ramón! Can't you see that?"
"Soooo," Jack said slowly. "Am I going to be needed here?"
Ignoring the pirate because he had bigger problems here, Ramón felt detached from his body, his mind reeling in confusion over what they'd done to one another. "But my love, had I only known before!" he gasped. "Years ago, it was you I loved - but as Elizabeth Weir!" Background music swelled with the revelation.
A small chuckle issued from Leonaela Juanita Conchita Bonita Boxerita Sheppardo's throat. It was a throaty chuckle. Filled with irony and woe. "If we had only known," she said touching Ramón's face. "We could have been happier longer... but less good looking."
"Yes indeed, we are all very good looking here," Jack said heartily. "So, we're back on again? Drinks all around?"
Ramón leaned in with a growl and kissed Leonaela fast and rough before looking between the two in attendance. "We'll have the very best looking almost double wedding known to these shores. The spark of our love transcends all manner of alcoholism and surgeries to add and remove spare body parts. And you, pirate man, all of your drinks are on us!"
"Excellent," Jack said. "Especially the part about you paying for my drinks. So, er, Leonaela Juanita et cetera, et cetera, do you take this man who used to be a woman to be your lawfully wed whatever that would make you, promise not to get fat and grow a mustache unless he finds that a turn-on, and only slap him when absolutely necessary?"
"I do!" she cried out as she slapped Ramón across the face is a gesture of her love. "Lord help me and protect me but I love this man who was a woman and want nothing more but to bear his children. Technically it is impossible but I will not accept that as a possibility!"
"Mazel tov," Jack said because why not. "You're married. Do you have shiny things t' exchange?"
Like it was nothing, Ramón pulled a disgustingly huge diamond ring from his pocket, purchased from the Skywalker Diamond Mines with the revenue he'd received from the stolen organs of various vagrants. Pushing the ring onto her finger, he spoke of the symbolism of the act. "This diamond reflects back a thousand times the beauty of you now, then, and forever. It will slip on with the ease of cooking spray yet no yanking shall ever tear it away."
"That is a very nice diamond," Jack commented. Pirates noticed that sort of thing.
And from the folds of her oh-so-beautiful dress, Leonaela pulled out the blingest blingy diamond chip encrusted wedding band that ever was. Liberace would think it was too much. "And for you my love, I give you this ring that not only shines with the love I feel for you but it also has a GPS chip in it in case you are ever kidnapped by pymgy amazons and taken into the rainforest. Again."
"That is also a very nice diamond," Jack replied. "Very well, kiss her and give me my rum."
Jack was such a romantic.
Oblivious to the pirate's demands of rum, Leonaela suddenly began to feel faint. "Ramón!" she cried out dramatically. Kiss me quickly! I think that the stomach paracites are in the final stages of trauma! I fear this is the end!"
Ramón leaned in quickly, his eyes going wide as he could see his fair Leonaela slipping away like an after holiday sale right before him. "No! It's too soon!" He kissed her then, willing the pain of the monsters consuming her to transfer to him.
The kiss was beautiful and long and passionate. The single beautiful tear made its appearance again as Leonaela began to cough. "Ramón! Before I die there is something you should know" she said weakly as she reached up to touch Ramón's face. "Before I die there is something you should know. Rodney McKay is your father!"
And with that the light in Leonaela's eyes dimmed and she went limp in his arms.
Ramón gasped at her final revelation. "But how! Leonaela, wake up and tell me how this could be," he shook her limp body, clinging to her at the very last. "My love, you must explain!" But there was no making her lifeless corpse talk, and Ramón was left to throw the pirate some rum and demand he take them back to shore. "Through it all, I always thought she'd make it to the specialist and be cured. Perhaps our love burned too brightly to last."
His lips tasted of powdered sugar and lost chances as they rowed the dingy home.
"Jack stared--hard--at the body in his boat. "I also know funeral proceedings?" he offered. "Half price."
But that didn't matter! They were finally getting married! The wedding of the century!
That just happened to be on a row boat.
But it was, if you asked the one presiding over the ceremony, the most formidable rowboat in the area! At least until he got a better one! Or the Pearl came back. Standing precariously in the center of the vessel, Captain Jack Sparrow (in his best hat) cleared his throat and looked at the two people before him. "Last chance to back out, mate," he said in an undertone to the man with the hair.
There was no backing out for Ramón. He shook his amazingly silken mane of loose hair over his shoulder and gazed on this strange captain. "Backing out is for those who feel weakness in their hearts. The poets have written of the love sandwiched in our souls and today you and your tiny dingy will make history so long as we do not all drown horribly to the depths of the sea."
Leonaela nearly swooned at her lover's words "Even if we do drown, my love, our love will be eternal and our passion will be heard crying out every time the ocean tide hits the beach of this lovely little island!"
"Yes, well, I don't have herpes," Jack said because he wanted to feel included. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here on what is definitely not a tiny dingy to join this man and this woman in the bonds of holy matrimony."
Pleased the filthy-looking homeless scoundrel of a captain was clean, Ramón focused on the beauty of Leonaela before him. "In our binding we shall be one heart, one mind, forever pressed against the heaving bosom of mother Earth as the waters of her oceans roll and spray the seed of life across the face of time.
"Oh Ramón!" Leonaela whispered, a perfect tear flowing down one cheek. "If you only knew how much I loved you. I loved you even before we met. Before you knew the real me. It was your love that gave me the courage to be reborn so that I could love you in all my hotness glory!"
"Yes, well, that's all very nice, but now is the time where we listen to the pirate," Jack said, harrumphing and adjusting his hat. "Marriage is a terrible binding contract..o, savvy? She will suck the marrow from your bones, the treasure from your chests, and the vigor from your loins. And then she'll get fat. El chubby, savvy? Ye be absolutely sure ye want to go through with this?"
Ramón wiped the perfect tear from her cheek and winked at the pirate who would certainly feel the desperation of being without such a woman. "Dearest Leonaela, even with tiny worms coating the lining of your stomach, you will always be the hottest woman I have known in all my days roaming these lands! Never will excess pounds come between us."
"Oh Ramón! We have faced so much together!" She said her eyes glistening with love and passion. "If amnesia, evil dwarf magicians and flesh eating bacteria couldn't tear us apart, nothing ever will!"
"Evil dwarf magicians?" Jack repeated. "Interesting. Very well, on to the vows! Repeat after me please, er, Ramón. I, Ramón, promise from this day forward to love, cherish and honor you, to never steal your ship out from under you and leave you on an island to rot, and to always make sure the powder is dry, the rum is plentiful and the treasure abundant."
The captain knew how to put his words together, requiring a moment for Ramón to blink back a manly tear or two before clearing his throat to allow speech. "I, Ramón, promise from this day forward to love, cherish and honor you, to never steal anything that is not your heart, to never leave you to rot alone with your maggots, and to always ensure you have all you could desire."
And then a look crossed over Leonaela's face. One of fear. One of trepidation. "Wait! Ramón! There is something I must tell you first!" she said looking away. "I have been keeping a secret from you. This is not the first time we have met. Long before you met me in this form there was an operation. Many operations. One that made me look hot as can be but before this I was someone else. Someone you knew."
She took a deep breath and looked up into Ramón's eyes. Another perfect tear streamed down her face. "Before I was Leonaela Conchita Bonita Boxerita I had a different name. At that time you knew me as... Juan Sheppardo."
Jack gasped. This was going to be good.
"No! But you are so hot!" Ramón gasped, a hand pressed to his chest in eye-widening shock at this revelation. His eyes flashed of betrayal and his voice quivered with his lower lip. "How could you lie to me Juan? Juanita? Leonaela? I do not even know who you are anymore!"
"No! Don't you see?" Leonaela cried out, desperation clouding her features. "I'm still the woman you love. Just a woman who was made through surgery to be the perfect woman just for you. I have always loved you Ramón! Can't you see that?"
"Soooo," Jack said slowly. "Am I going to be needed here?"
Ignoring the pirate because he had bigger problems here, Ramón felt detached from his body, his mind reeling in confusion over what they'd done to one another. "But my love, had I only known before!" he gasped. "Years ago, it was you I loved - but as Elizabeth Weir!" Background music swelled with the revelation.
A small chuckle issued from Leonaela Juanita Conchita Bonita Boxerita Sheppardo's throat. It was a throaty chuckle. Filled with irony and woe. "If we had only known," she said touching Ramón's face. "We could have been happier longer... but less good looking."
"Yes indeed, we are all very good looking here," Jack said heartily. "So, we're back on again? Drinks all around?"
Ramón leaned in with a growl and kissed Leonaela fast and rough before looking between the two in attendance. "We'll have the very best looking almost double wedding known to these shores. The spark of our love transcends all manner of alcoholism and surgeries to add and remove spare body parts. And you, pirate man, all of your drinks are on us!"
"Excellent," Jack said. "Especially the part about you paying for my drinks. So, er, Leonaela Juanita et cetera, et cetera, do you take this man who used to be a woman to be your lawfully wed whatever that would make you, promise not to get fat and grow a mustache unless he finds that a turn-on, and only slap him when absolutely necessary?"
"I do!" she cried out as she slapped Ramón across the face is a gesture of her love. "Lord help me and protect me but I love this man who was a woman and want nothing more but to bear his children. Technically it is impossible but I will not accept that as a possibility!"
"Mazel tov," Jack said because why not. "You're married. Do you have shiny things t' exchange?"
Like it was nothing, Ramón pulled a disgustingly huge diamond ring from his pocket, purchased from the Skywalker Diamond Mines with the revenue he'd received from the stolen organs of various vagrants. Pushing the ring onto her finger, he spoke of the symbolism of the act. "This diamond reflects back a thousand times the beauty of you now, then, and forever. It will slip on with the ease of cooking spray yet no yanking shall ever tear it away."
"That is a very nice diamond," Jack commented. Pirates noticed that sort of thing.
And from the folds of her oh-so-beautiful dress, Leonaela pulled out the blingest blingy diamond chip encrusted wedding band that ever was. Liberace would think it was too much. "And for you my love, I give you this ring that not only shines with the love I feel for you but it also has a GPS chip in it in case you are ever kidnapped by pymgy amazons and taken into the rainforest. Again."
"That is also a very nice diamond," Jack replied. "Very well, kiss her and give me my rum."
Jack was such a romantic.
Oblivious to the pirate's demands of rum, Leonaela suddenly began to feel faint. "Ramón!" she cried out dramatically. Kiss me quickly! I think that the stomach paracites are in the final stages of trauma! I fear this is the end!"
Ramón leaned in quickly, his eyes going wide as he could see his fair Leonaela slipping away like an after holiday sale right before him. "No! It's too soon!" He kissed her then, willing the pain of the monsters consuming her to transfer to him.
The kiss was beautiful and long and passionate. The single beautiful tear made its appearance again as Leonaela began to cough. "Ramón! Before I die there is something you should know" she said weakly as she reached up to touch Ramón's face. "Before I die there is something you should know. Rodney McKay is your father!"
And with that the light in Leonaela's eyes dimmed and she went limp in his arms.
Ramón gasped at her final revelation. "But how! Leonaela, wake up and tell me how this could be," he shook her limp body, clinging to her at the very last. "My love, you must explain!" But there was no making her lifeless corpse talk, and Ramón was left to throw the pirate some rum and demand he take them back to shore. "Through it all, I always thought she'd make it to the specialist and be cured. Perhaps our love burned too brightly to last."
His lips tasted of powdered sugar and lost chances as they rowed the dingy home.
"Jack stared--hard--at the body in his boat. "I also know funeral proceedings?" he offered. "Half price."