Emotionally Stupid
My mother and I have not talked in over 10 years. (suffice to say I was angry and wanted nothing to do with her) Been really emotional all day, I found where they go to church through some internet searching. I got up the gumption last month to contact the reverend at the church. I let him know that I was trying to get a hold of her, just to say hi, and asked him to just give her my email address and have her email me if she wanted. I don't know why I am so emotional about it. I thought years ago I finally came to terms that what she did and said was how she really felt and good riddance. About 2 years back I found their address or at least an old one, and I sent a snail mail letter. I never heard back. However, when I got a response to my email to the reverend, I just sobbed. I guess it is the closest I have gotten to even contacting her. I am mad at myself for still being vulnerable to her, for letting myself get emotional about it all. Part of me says I should not care if she responds, the other part still wants her to. I got an email back from the reverend that he passed the information on and he thought she would be sending an email some time. What she did was awful and I went through a lot of therapy to get over it, or at least I thought I did. I just want some resolution. I made sure to be vague about what our issues were, when talking to the reverend. I am not trying to make her out to be a monster to the people that she is around. I keep thinking if she just would say, I don't wanna talk to you, or leave me alone. I could leave it, as I tried and she is just not receptive. However, I think if she does not respond I am going to be a mess. I think part of it is the waiting.
Regardless the reason I thought I should try to contact her again, is that we have two children now. I want to be able to look in my children's eyes and say I tried to get a hold of your grandmother.
Why am I so emotionally stupid. Why do I still want my mommy to love me? Why does it matter so much? She was not good for me before, why do I still care?
bbbaaaaaahhhh
Edit: fixed some bad sentences
Regardless the reason I thought I should try to contact her again, is that we have two children now. I want to be able to look in my children's eyes and say I tried to get a hold of your grandmother.
Why am I so emotionally stupid. Why do I still want my mommy to love me? Why does it matter so much? She was not good for me before, why do I still care?
bbbaaaaaahhhh
Edit: fixed some bad sentences