Things I'll never say...
Morning everyone. Yes it's dark outside and we're still hours away from sunrise but technically speaking it is morning what with it being after midnight and all so I am correct in greeting you so. Forgive me for being such a grump but once again lovey shite day has descended upon us and I am forced to sit on the sidelines, a solitary observer. What I wouldn't give to have someone special in my life and not just because it's fucking V-day. When a person loves you they shouldn't need an excuse to show you how much they care. That's an act of everyday importance surely?!
What has got me in a particularly foul mood is my bloody brain. It has been dredging up old hurts and past regrets, you know the kind, the ones you could have done something about before but now it's entirely too late.
Over a year has gone by since Deejay passed away and yet I still hate that I never got the opportunity to tell him how much he hurt me. He got to leave this mortal coil and the rest of us are left behind to carry the unwanted memory of him around with us for the remainder of our lives. I will never know if he was burdened by guilt at the time of his passing or if he had any remorse for the heinous things he did. The same goes for Bob and Shit-head although of course they are still alive and kicking, much as I wish it were not so. I doubt either of them care or even remember me and the unfairness of that festers deep within my soul. In a just world their actions should gnaw away at them painfully without any respite, but this is not a just world.
I have never been one to ask for help and when it has come to me it's nearly always been unsolicited. N.L. has been the shining example of that. He was my friend, my teacher, therapist and greatest love so when he went out of my life so did the unconditional support I had unknowingly relied on. Then one day we happened upon one another, a fluke meeting of astronomical proportions. The thirty-five minutes we spent together were the best I had felt in such a long time but they couldn't last. When I was forced to say goodbye I felt the urge to whisper in his ear as I hugged him “Help me!” but I didn't. I meant to say it, to tell him I needed him but I just couldn't do it. I had nowhere to run, so little to hold on to and I was hopelessly lost and close to giving up. I couldn't see a way out yet I let him go without a word. I believe now that I made a real mistake and I wish with all of my heart that I could take it back. I regret that I never told him how important he was to me when I had the chance and should I speak to him tomorrow it would still be too late for me. You wait so long for the right time to tell a person how you feel and before you realise it it has slipped by. I don't even know if he ever loved me. I'm almost certain that he cared but caring is a far cry from loving a person. It's much safer that way I guess.
I have had too many people that I love walk out on me. I feel destined to be everyone's practice girl, the one you date to get back on the horse before finding someone better to settle down with. Not that I blame any of them. I can't see why I would be anyone's ideal. I'm short, fat, ugly and stupid. I wear glasses and have a terrible tendency to stick my foot in my mouth at the worst moments. I'm sarcastic, abrasive and at times downright rude. I don't mean to be hurtful but when I am it's always the ones I love who get the worst of it when they should be the very people I ought to protect from that side of myself. Shit!
The time has come methinks to come to a stop. I'm feeling mentally and physically exhausted and I still have all of poxy V-day to get through. If I make it to the end of the day without chucking someone beneath the wheels of a bus then it will be a real accomplishment. Farewell one and all. Until we meet again.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
What has got me in a particularly foul mood is my bloody brain. It has been dredging up old hurts and past regrets, you know the kind, the ones you could have done something about before but now it's entirely too late.
Over a year has gone by since Deejay passed away and yet I still hate that I never got the opportunity to tell him how much he hurt me. He got to leave this mortal coil and the rest of us are left behind to carry the unwanted memory of him around with us for the remainder of our lives. I will never know if he was burdened by guilt at the time of his passing or if he had any remorse for the heinous things he did. The same goes for Bob and Shit-head although of course they are still alive and kicking, much as I wish it were not so. I doubt either of them care or even remember me and the unfairness of that festers deep within my soul. In a just world their actions should gnaw away at them painfully without any respite, but this is not a just world.
I have never been one to ask for help and when it has come to me it's nearly always been unsolicited. N.L. has been the shining example of that. He was my friend, my teacher, therapist and greatest love so when he went out of my life so did the unconditional support I had unknowingly relied on. Then one day we happened upon one another, a fluke meeting of astronomical proportions. The thirty-five minutes we spent together were the best I had felt in such a long time but they couldn't last. When I was forced to say goodbye I felt the urge to whisper in his ear as I hugged him “Help me!” but I didn't. I meant to say it, to tell him I needed him but I just couldn't do it. I had nowhere to run, so little to hold on to and I was hopelessly lost and close to giving up. I couldn't see a way out yet I let him go without a word. I believe now that I made a real mistake and I wish with all of my heart that I could take it back. I regret that I never told him how important he was to me when I had the chance and should I speak to him tomorrow it would still be too late for me. You wait so long for the right time to tell a person how you feel and before you realise it it has slipped by. I don't even know if he ever loved me. I'm almost certain that he cared but caring is a far cry from loving a person. It's much safer that way I guess.
I have had too many people that I love walk out on me. I feel destined to be everyone's practice girl, the one you date to get back on the horse before finding someone better to settle down with. Not that I blame any of them. I can't see why I would be anyone's ideal. I'm short, fat, ugly and stupid. I wear glasses and have a terrible tendency to stick my foot in my mouth at the worst moments. I'm sarcastic, abrasive and at times downright rude. I don't mean to be hurtful but when I am it's always the ones I love who get the worst of it when they should be the very people I ought to protect from that side of myself. Shit!
The time has come methinks to come to a stop. I'm feeling mentally and physically exhausted and I still have all of poxy V-day to get through. If I make it to the end of the day without chucking someone beneath the wheels of a bus then it will be a real accomplishment. Farewell one and all. Until we meet again.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo