Already drowning.
Hey hey boys and girls. Sorry it's been so long since I last posted but it has been one hell of a year so far. However I won't bore you with my lame ass excuses for letting my journal entries lapse and instead shall just get on with it.
As my regular readers will know I have lost two pregnancies during my time on this planet. Neither one was particularly easy, however my second is the one I find most difficult to deal with when the anniversary comes around. Unfortunately that day is only two days away and already I am starting to struggle. For whatever reason it is hitting me much harder this year than it did last. Perhaps it's because so many of my friends are getting married and/or having families of their own. I'd never begrudge them their happiness, far from it, but it is so difficult for me to share in their joy because they have something I know I never will.
T.V. hasn't ben much of an escape because I get inundated with adverts for diapers and formula and educational toys featuring countless adorable babies. I swear to the gods that it's like a knife direct to my heart. I mean it physically hurts me and I struggle to breathe. It's a frightening thing to feel like you're dying and know there isn't a fucking thing you can do to make it stop.
Once again, like I am pathetic enough to keep doing, I feel that good old rage towards my ex-husband because I doubt very much that he carries this burden like I still do. He got to move on to wife number two who gave him the son he so desperately wanted, while I have to bare it all by myself. I can't share this grief with anyone and even if I could I don't know that I have the words to explain.
The temptation is to either crawl between the sheets and hide or to camp out on the kitchen floor and drink myself into a state of oblivion so I can't feel anything anymore. I know neither one is particularly productive or helpful but damned if I know what else to do. The usual routines and remembrances are offering very little comfort. The people I want to seek solace in aren't a part of my life any longer. I'm desperately floundering and there's nobody out there to save me.
Fuck me I've probably depressed everyone out in the real world to a state of coma. Be that the case (or even if its not) it would probably be a good plan for me to shut the fuck up for tonight and move on to different things. I pray that you all have the best of nights and that nothing but good things come your way. Peace, love and headbutts y'all!
xoxoxoxoxo
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
As my regular readers will know I have lost two pregnancies during my time on this planet. Neither one was particularly easy, however my second is the one I find most difficult to deal with when the anniversary comes around. Unfortunately that day is only two days away and already I am starting to struggle. For whatever reason it is hitting me much harder this year than it did last. Perhaps it's because so many of my friends are getting married and/or having families of their own. I'd never begrudge them their happiness, far from it, but it is so difficult for me to share in their joy because they have something I know I never will.
T.V. hasn't ben much of an escape because I get inundated with adverts for diapers and formula and educational toys featuring countless adorable babies. I swear to the gods that it's like a knife direct to my heart. I mean it physically hurts me and I struggle to breathe. It's a frightening thing to feel like you're dying and know there isn't a fucking thing you can do to make it stop.
Once again, like I am pathetic enough to keep doing, I feel that good old rage towards my ex-husband because I doubt very much that he carries this burden like I still do. He got to move on to wife number two who gave him the son he so desperately wanted, while I have to bare it all by myself. I can't share this grief with anyone and even if I could I don't know that I have the words to explain.
The temptation is to either crawl between the sheets and hide or to camp out on the kitchen floor and drink myself into a state of oblivion so I can't feel anything anymore. I know neither one is particularly productive or helpful but damned if I know what else to do. The usual routines and remembrances are offering very little comfort. The people I want to seek solace in aren't a part of my life any longer. I'm desperately floundering and there's nobody out there to save me.
Fuck me I've probably depressed everyone out in the real world to a state of coma. Be that the case (or even if its not) it would probably be a good plan for me to shut the fuck up for tonight and move on to different things. I pray that you all have the best of nights and that nothing but good things come your way. Peace, love and headbutts y'all!
xoxoxoxoxo
Posted via m.livejournal.com.