Fic: Never Doing That Again
Title: Never doing that again
Characters: Torchwood Team, Rhys, Captain John Hart
Rating: Mature
Theme: Anti-Mpreg
Summary: Jack has a strange dream.
Author's Notes: I accidentally read an Mpreg fic the other day (it's my fault, I should have read the warning). This is my attempt at therapy.
"No!" Jack cried out, "It can't be!"
"Oh yes, I'm afraid it is so." Owen said, holding up the results of the pregnancy test. "You, Jack, are pregnant. Congratulations!"
Gwen bustled around him. "Oh Jack, I am so happy for you. This is wonderful!"
"You'll have to eat properly now, since you're eating for two. I'll draw up a diet plan --"
"We must have a baby shower --"
"Have you thought of names yet?"
"When are you due?"
"Can I feel your tummy?"
"Do you know if it is a boy or girl?"
The questions and advice came thick and fast, all combining into a maddening babble. Jack felt as if he was drowning. Suddenly he heard a calm, reassuring voice in his ear.
"You don't have to go through with this, you know." Ianto said.
All the other voices fell silent for a second. Then they started up again.
"Jack, you can't get rid of it!" Gwen opened her eyes very very wide to show her anguish.
"Your child could grow up to find a cure for cancer!" Owen entreated.
"It's your personal business, Jack. I can't comment." Tosh said.
"Being a father is the most wonderful thing in the world." Rhys pleaded tearfully.
"How can you destroy an innocent creature? All life is sacred!" Captain John Hart piped up.
This was the last straw.
"Oh shut up, you hypocritical bastard!" Jack shouted at John. "You've been to rehab for murder! What do you know about the sanctity of life?!"
Everyone was silent again. Jack continued. "Tosh, thank you. Gwen, do you remember when you were pregnant with the Nostrovite's young? You couldn't wait to be rid of it and Owen helped you quite willingly. Owen, if you care so much about finding a cure for cancer, why don't you work towards it instead of waiting for my hypothetical child to do so? And Rhys, who asked you for your opinion anyway? You're not even part of my team!"
* * *
Jack woke up with a start. What a horrible dream! That's what happened when you fell asleep at your desk.
"Ow!" He had a crick in his neck now. He felt two hands settle gently on his shoulders and rub them comfortingly.
"Are you alright? I heard you screaming about being pregnant." Ianto murmured.
"I had the most awful dream about it!" Jack shuddered.
"You can't actually get pregnant, can you?" Ianto asked, not quite jokingly.
Jack smiled. "You know, I was pregnant once, a very long time ago. Before I met the Doctor. And I swore I'd never do that again. In fact, I can't do that again. You see, I can never be affected by germs, or worms, or sickness, or injuries. If an embryo tried to grow inside me, my body would treat it just like a pathogen and would get rid of it spontaneously."
"All for the best. Could you really bear to be without coffee for nine months?" Ianto grinned.
Jack stood up and pulled Ianto into a hug, covering his face with kisses. He didn't tell Ianto that in the 51st century pregnancies for men lasted not nine months, but thirteen!
Characters: Torchwood Team, Rhys, Captain John Hart
Rating: Mature
Theme: Anti-Mpreg
Summary: Jack has a strange dream.
Author's Notes: I accidentally read an Mpreg fic the other day (it's my fault, I should have read the warning). This is my attempt at therapy.
"No!" Jack cried out, "It can't be!"
"Oh yes, I'm afraid it is so." Owen said, holding up the results of the pregnancy test. "You, Jack, are pregnant. Congratulations!"
Gwen bustled around him. "Oh Jack, I am so happy for you. This is wonderful!"
"You'll have to eat properly now, since you're eating for two. I'll draw up a diet plan --"
"We must have a baby shower --"
"Have you thought of names yet?"
"When are you due?"
"Can I feel your tummy?"
"Do you know if it is a boy or girl?"
The questions and advice came thick and fast, all combining into a maddening babble. Jack felt as if he was drowning. Suddenly he heard a calm, reassuring voice in his ear.
"You don't have to go through with this, you know." Ianto said.
All the other voices fell silent for a second. Then they started up again.
"Jack, you can't get rid of it!" Gwen opened her eyes very very wide to show her anguish.
"Your child could grow up to find a cure for cancer!" Owen entreated.
"It's your personal business, Jack. I can't comment." Tosh said.
"Being a father is the most wonderful thing in the world." Rhys pleaded tearfully.
"How can you destroy an innocent creature? All life is sacred!" Captain John Hart piped up.
This was the last straw.
"Oh shut up, you hypocritical bastard!" Jack shouted at John. "You've been to rehab for murder! What do you know about the sanctity of life?!"
Everyone was silent again. Jack continued. "Tosh, thank you. Gwen, do you remember when you were pregnant with the Nostrovite's young? You couldn't wait to be rid of it and Owen helped you quite willingly. Owen, if you care so much about finding a cure for cancer, why don't you work towards it instead of waiting for my hypothetical child to do so? And Rhys, who asked you for your opinion anyway? You're not even part of my team!"
* * *
Jack woke up with a start. What a horrible dream! That's what happened when you fell asleep at your desk.
"Ow!" He had a crick in his neck now. He felt two hands settle gently on his shoulders and rub them comfortingly.
"Are you alright? I heard you screaming about being pregnant." Ianto murmured.
"I had the most awful dream about it!" Jack shuddered.
"You can't actually get pregnant, can you?" Ianto asked, not quite jokingly.
Jack smiled. "You know, I was pregnant once, a very long time ago. Before I met the Doctor. And I swore I'd never do that again. In fact, I can't do that again. You see, I can never be affected by germs, or worms, or sickness, or injuries. If an embryo tried to grow inside me, my body would treat it just like a pathogen and would get rid of it spontaneously."
"All for the best. Could you really bear to be without coffee for nine months?" Ianto grinned.
Jack stood up and pulled Ianto into a hug, covering his face with kisses. He didn't tell Ianto that in the 51st century pregnancies for men lasted not nine months, but thirteen!