god I havent been on this thing in so long
So it is so OBVIOUS to me that I don't want to be a part of someone else's life story anymore. I just can't be. When I think back on my life I cant really remember too much of anything. A lot of things are blacked out and a lot of things seem overshadowed. And thats my fault, I am generally okay with sitting on the side lines immersing myself in other peoples lives. Their going ons and the kitschy things they do.
But i'm kinda tired. I want to have my own stories to tell. I feel like I don't have any of those anymore. I feel as if I have no real life that I can own. More than 90% of the time if someone asked me to tell them about something interesting that happened to me in the last few years I wouldnt be able to tell you a story that didnt center around someone else's life.
Having friends is great and hanging out with them is amazing. I am truly lucky. I am just frustrated and lacking in my own solitary life. In having my personal life have meaning, a path, anything.
I know I get all philosophical when I start reading some books, I am at the moment reading Julie and Julia. So yes, part of that is wearing on me. However, I have been feeling this way for about years and just stupidly going along with it. Doing nothing and being a martyr is just soooo easy. It's just so strong right now, the power to change everything in my life completely. There are so many choices. I am lucky. I could decide something tomorrow and just go with it.
I think I should.
But i'm kinda tired. I want to have my own stories to tell. I feel like I don't have any of those anymore. I feel as if I have no real life that I can own. More than 90% of the time if someone asked me to tell them about something interesting that happened to me in the last few years I wouldnt be able to tell you a story that didnt center around someone else's life.
Having friends is great and hanging out with them is amazing. I am truly lucky. I am just frustrated and lacking in my own solitary life. In having my personal life have meaning, a path, anything.
I know I get all philosophical when I start reading some books, I am at the moment reading Julie and Julia. So yes, part of that is wearing on me. However, I have been feeling this way for about years and just stupidly going along with it. Doing nothing and being a martyr is just soooo easy. It's just so strong right now, the power to change everything in my life completely. There are so many choices. I am lucky. I could decide something tomorrow and just go with it.
I think I should.