shut down
Remember all the times you shut down? Sometimes it would take me minutes and sometimes hours to coax you back out. To make you laugh. To make everything better. I remember one time you were shut down before i even called you. But you picked up the phone and i took that as a sign you needed me. So i coaxed, i wheedled, i did everything i had in my power to make you smile again. And you were so happy so in love with me. And then you had to click over to take a call and it was some guy, somewhere. And you were pissed again. And even though I knew it wasnt my fault I cried. I cried when you hung up. I was so upset. I had spent an hour making you come out of your whole and there you were again, in your hole. it made me so sad. I picked up a baseball bat and i trashed things in my room. I broke my bed. if i broke anything else i totally dont remember. All i knew was that it wasnt my fault and yet...i took it so personally not to be able to make you happy again.
I miss all the times I tried to make you happy. I miss your calm reasoning, your way of always being right, your patience with me. God I love you.
Apparently Im scared of commitment which makes sense. I mean if I commit and they leave then whats the point. But man, oh man, I can only say this while drunk and i am very drunk. I miss you so much it hurts sometimes. But hey this is my journal.
And I can say what I want. Why i picked a best friend quite like you I will never know. But he is ALOT like you. Even some of the peculiars of your life, like your daughter, your family, are so much like him. He hasnt left me though. And Im starting to be a little less worried that he will desert me one day. You gave me that complex you know, it was you. No one else. And Im not so sure if you come back that it will go away. Probably not.
But when he shuts down I am at a loss. Because he isnt you. I cant love him until he opens back up. I cant describe our future together until he smiles. I cant make everything better by telling him all the reasons I love him. Hes my best friend but hes not my boyfriend. Hes not my lover or my better half. He's my brother but you, you were everything. I wish I was everything in my own life. But I dont know when that will ever be.
I miss all the times I tried to make you happy. I miss your calm reasoning, your way of always being right, your patience with me. God I love you.
Apparently Im scared of commitment which makes sense. I mean if I commit and they leave then whats the point. But man, oh man, I can only say this while drunk and i am very drunk. I miss you so much it hurts sometimes. But hey this is my journal.
And I can say what I want. Why i picked a best friend quite like you I will never know. But he is ALOT like you. Even some of the peculiars of your life, like your daughter, your family, are so much like him. He hasnt left me though. And Im starting to be a little less worried that he will desert me one day. You gave me that complex you know, it was you. No one else. And Im not so sure if you come back that it will go away. Probably not.
But when he shuts down I am at a loss. Because he isnt you. I cant love him until he opens back up. I cant describe our future together until he smiles. I cant make everything better by telling him all the reasons I love him. Hes my best friend but hes not my boyfriend. Hes not my lover or my better half. He's my brother but you, you were everything. I wish I was everything in my own life. But I dont know when that will ever be.