Green Eyes
I wonder sometimes. Do you think you would feel better if you could take a break. Do you think you would be worth more if you met the images you believed he wanted exactly to a T. Why are you so scared inside. Scared to end it and find better. Or better yet just find yourself.
I wonder sometimes if the people I have deeply loved and lost ever miss me. I dont think about this obssesively or anything. I just wonder if they ever miss me or think about me or have kept anything Ive given them to remember me by. I know I shouldnt think about those things but I do.
One of my favorite things to do when I am hella sad is to running a bath water that is too hot to touch, with bubbles, lots of bubbles. And sit. It feels like I am drowing my sorrows. Like if I cry when I sit in this tub it wont matter because my tears will mix with the water and it will all eventually go down the tub. Hopefully along with my problems. But more often than naught I get interrupted and the tears stay streaked on my face. Their escape foiled by a phone rining or a question. Sometimes my terars are so overwhelemed by their brothers and sisters joining them that I know even if they go down the drain more will come as I step out of the bath.
I miss loving someone until your heart pops. I miss waking up next to someone, i mean really waking up next to someone. Waking up with Alan was so not the way I thought it was supped to be. There were no, hey you's. Oh god, I need a hey you. And even though it is not supposed to count in the real world, this world that I am supposdely doing okay in, I miss the waking ups I had with Aj. There werent that many but they were far better than any I have had since. Waking up to the sound of the phone and a gentle hey on the other line. some dorky name calling and off we were. Even though I didnt get ti experience this in real life I know there would not have been any waking up and rolling to the each seperate side. There would not have been shouting when getting up, quarreling or a race out the door but with a kiss, a stall, a touch. I know this in my heart and by knowing it I feel as if I miss it deeply.
And I do.
I wonder sometimes if the people I have deeply loved and lost ever miss me. I dont think about this obssesively or anything. I just wonder if they ever miss me or think about me or have kept anything Ive given them to remember me by. I know I shouldnt think about those things but I do.
One of my favorite things to do when I am hella sad is to running a bath water that is too hot to touch, with bubbles, lots of bubbles. And sit. It feels like I am drowing my sorrows. Like if I cry when I sit in this tub it wont matter because my tears will mix with the water and it will all eventually go down the tub. Hopefully along with my problems. But more often than naught I get interrupted and the tears stay streaked on my face. Their escape foiled by a phone rining or a question. Sometimes my terars are so overwhelemed by their brothers and sisters joining them that I know even if they go down the drain more will come as I step out of the bath.
I miss loving someone until your heart pops. I miss waking up next to someone, i mean really waking up next to someone. Waking up with Alan was so not the way I thought it was supped to be. There were no, hey you's. Oh god, I need a hey you. And even though it is not supposed to count in the real world, this world that I am supposdely doing okay in, I miss the waking ups I had with Aj. There werent that many but they were far better than any I have had since. Waking up to the sound of the phone and a gentle hey on the other line. some dorky name calling and off we were. Even though I didnt get ti experience this in real life I know there would not have been any waking up and rolling to the each seperate side. There would not have been shouting when getting up, quarreling or a race out the door but with a kiss, a stall, a touch. I know this in my heart and by knowing it I feel as if I miss it deeply.
And I do.