Silence is not golden
I'm getting the silent treatment. It sucks. Last thing I heard was "fuck you" then click-he hung up. That was Monday night.
On another note, still depressing but maybe a little more distant... I listened to 8 of my 10 hours of negotiations from January. I hate hearing myself recorded. But it was weird because the whole time I was listening, I was very detached. Almost like it wasn't me I was hearing. Maybe I needed to do that to keep from freaking out! Anyway...nothing so horrible that I repulsed myself. A few different times where I screamed "what did I say that for?"
Interesting that at the beginning I told him the burden of him coming out rested on me. What the hell??? Totally did not remember that. I can't believe I said it. I'm being told that was one of several things I said that kept him alive as long as I was on the line with him. I talked to the negotiator that relieved me. It seems that JD wouldn't engage at all with him. He said JD would only say yes or no. There was no statement or warning when he fired the gun. No last words like "I can't do this anymore" or "give a message to so and so" or "I'm finished"...nothing. They were on the phone less than 10 minutes.
I'm going to have to listen again at some point so I can be a little less emotional and actually critique myself. But I'm in no rush to go through it again! It took me nine months to be able to listen at all. I'm not a complete glutton for punishment.
So, Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Not looking forward to it at all. Maybe if the silent treatment could be done I wouldn't mind so much. Hm.
On another note, still depressing but maybe a little more distant... I listened to 8 of my 10 hours of negotiations from January. I hate hearing myself recorded. But it was weird because the whole time I was listening, I was very detached. Almost like it wasn't me I was hearing. Maybe I needed to do that to keep from freaking out! Anyway...nothing so horrible that I repulsed myself. A few different times where I screamed "what did I say that for?"
Interesting that at the beginning I told him the burden of him coming out rested on me. What the hell??? Totally did not remember that. I can't believe I said it. I'm being told that was one of several things I said that kept him alive as long as I was on the line with him. I talked to the negotiator that relieved me. It seems that JD wouldn't engage at all with him. He said JD would only say yes or no. There was no statement or warning when he fired the gun. No last words like "I can't do this anymore" or "give a message to so and so" or "I'm finished"...nothing. They were on the phone less than 10 minutes.
I'm going to have to listen again at some point so I can be a little less emotional and actually critique myself. But I'm in no rush to go through it again! It took me nine months to be able to listen at all. I'm not a complete glutton for punishment.
So, Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Not looking forward to it at all. Maybe if the silent treatment could be done I wouldn't mind so much. Hm.