(no subject)
So this morning, just to prove a point, I ran until my legs started to go numb. Sure it was only five minutes, but it was five minutes longer then I have run in the past 20 months. Especially more than in the past year and a half. Yes today is the anniversary that I got the chilling words of what I did not want to hear. I would honestly prefer a brain tumor.
So let us go back and get this out of my system, things I have been hiding from the entire world. Things I have no one to talk to about.
So really it all started back in 2008. That summer I took on a couple of large projects in the yard. First I tried to kill the bamboo - to no success and I decided to revamp one of the flower gardens.
So I went out to dig and dig and dig. I did this for all of June, July and part of August. It was in August of that warm summer that I thought I put my back out.
I was digging up day lilies, a large amount of them and one clump was a bit heavier than I expected. I tumbled with the large clump and yes it hurt the back. Did I stop? No I am stubborn and kept digging and moving plants. That evening my back was sore of course, I put ice and heat on it. I kept up my regular routine, just had to rest the back a bit.
That was Saturday that I hurt my back. Early the next week I started to notice some things. Every once in a while, my legs went numb while walking, sometimes I was just numb from the waist down. I figured it was the back injury and kept going. One day I noticed my legs would not move, I told myself to get a move on and kept going. It was all back injury and it lasted for three weeks.
My Neurologist here on my island now tells me that was my first big attack.
I knew at the time my hands shook on occasion, that I lost the strength in them on occasion, that sometimes I needed to will my legs to move. I did not want to face it, I did not want to admit to it, but reality was, I knew it was MS.
So I spent two years of my life ignoring the facts and living in a world of fantasy. Just going on and ignoring and fearing.
Yes I was not totally ignoring everything but feared what I knew deep down in my head. It was not until 2010 in August that I got that chilling statement given to me in a mono-tone factual way. That is the way my neurologist is here on the island.
So I walked out of his office with a cloth brief case of information, a video and a tonne of paperwork, crying and not knowing what to do. It was hell for me.
Maybe soon, I will open that video and watch it, maybe I will read the pages in the binder.
So let us go back and get this out of my system, things I have been hiding from the entire world. Things I have no one to talk to about.
So really it all started back in 2008. That summer I took on a couple of large projects in the yard. First I tried to kill the bamboo - to no success and I decided to revamp one of the flower gardens.
So I went out to dig and dig and dig. I did this for all of June, July and part of August. It was in August of that warm summer that I thought I put my back out.
I was digging up day lilies, a large amount of them and one clump was a bit heavier than I expected. I tumbled with the large clump and yes it hurt the back. Did I stop? No I am stubborn and kept digging and moving plants. That evening my back was sore of course, I put ice and heat on it. I kept up my regular routine, just had to rest the back a bit.
That was Saturday that I hurt my back. Early the next week I started to notice some things. Every once in a while, my legs went numb while walking, sometimes I was just numb from the waist down. I figured it was the back injury and kept going. One day I noticed my legs would not move, I told myself to get a move on and kept going. It was all back injury and it lasted for three weeks.
My Neurologist here on my island now tells me that was my first big attack.
I knew at the time my hands shook on occasion, that I lost the strength in them on occasion, that sometimes I needed to will my legs to move. I did not want to face it, I did not want to admit to it, but reality was, I knew it was MS.
So I spent two years of my life ignoring the facts and living in a world of fantasy. Just going on and ignoring and fearing.
Yes I was not totally ignoring everything but feared what I knew deep down in my head. It was not until 2010 in August that I got that chilling statement given to me in a mono-tone factual way. That is the way my neurologist is here on the island.
So I walked out of his office with a cloth brief case of information, a video and a tonne of paperwork, crying and not knowing what to do. It was hell for me.
Maybe soon, I will open that video and watch it, maybe I will read the pages in the binder.