About time I did this..
Well it is time I did this; not really for anyone but for myself. I have a lot of things trapped in my head. Some good, some bad.
Last night was my first MS meeting. Man that was just a huge step, even to make the call. All I can remember from experiences is my Aunt Helen stating that everyone there just whined about how horrible they felt. I hate to say it, but I think it was more her not getting all the attention that bothered her.
So I called the MS Society and made that brave jump from hiding in a corner to being involved with others; in hopes to find a friend, someone my age to relate this all to. Now do not get me wrong, I have a couple amazing friends but to sit and explain to them that sometimes the simple act of sitting down feels like someone is hammering a spike into my thigh just is kind of hard when you know that they will not know what to say or do. I do not like putting friends in that situation.
So last night, although I almost chickened out, I went.
It was at the nursing home where I used to go with Nancy to visit Glen. I do miss both those women. But that is not this event.
I have to admit it was a good meeting, I learned a lot about Living Wills. I did meet some very nice people. All the bad stuff I felt, that was all me.
They were a very happy sort of a group. I introduced myself around and shook hands; it was a good start to things.
We then had a talk about living wills and legal matters with a lovely lady, sweets and juice were passed out. It was a good start to the evening, even if I was constantly reminded I have no spouse, no children and no one I would put in the situation where they would have to make the tough decisions on my health.
Then we had a talk amongst each other time; that is really where I got to interesting emotions.
First thing I felt was guilt. I was meeting everyone for the first time and I am one of the few who can walk with little assistance. I had no cane, I had no walker, and I had no wheelchair. I was now in a group of mostly 50+ people and their spouses where the minority walked without much assistance. I would be talking to people, explaining to them what I was able to do, what was good and I felt myself stopping the conversation because I was talking about exercise in front of a woman in a wheelchair. I could see the expression of hopelessness on her face as I talked. She cannot exercise, she cannot move much. She is a wonderful woman, kind and caring, but stupid me forgets she is in a wheelchair.
I look closely at her, she reminds me of Aunt Helen, only her chair is not motorized. She has the same expression on her face that I have seen before. It is heart twisting.
The conversations continue on and I get asked about my diet, about how strict I am with it about what changes I have seen with it. I explain, kinda feeling like I did with the training doctor was amazed with my optic neurosis. I politely talk, I smile, I feel alone in a crowd of people. I do not know what to say or do, knowing that I can just stand there as I do and many others are not able.
I also notice the spouses, how attentive they are, how caring. Again I feel alone, I have not anything like that. I feel like I have no one.
I leave, full of mixed emotions. I am glad I took that leap, I am glad I tried. I am also saddened.
I had hoped for someone my age that I could talk to, someone that I could share with. Maybe at the Walk I will find someone.
Last night was my first MS meeting. Man that was just a huge step, even to make the call. All I can remember from experiences is my Aunt Helen stating that everyone there just whined about how horrible they felt. I hate to say it, but I think it was more her not getting all the attention that bothered her.
So I called the MS Society and made that brave jump from hiding in a corner to being involved with others; in hopes to find a friend, someone my age to relate this all to. Now do not get me wrong, I have a couple amazing friends but to sit and explain to them that sometimes the simple act of sitting down feels like someone is hammering a spike into my thigh just is kind of hard when you know that they will not know what to say or do. I do not like putting friends in that situation.
So last night, although I almost chickened out, I went.
It was at the nursing home where I used to go with Nancy to visit Glen. I do miss both those women. But that is not this event.
I have to admit it was a good meeting, I learned a lot about Living Wills. I did meet some very nice people. All the bad stuff I felt, that was all me.
They were a very happy sort of a group. I introduced myself around and shook hands; it was a good start to things.
We then had a talk about living wills and legal matters with a lovely lady, sweets and juice were passed out. It was a good start to the evening, even if I was constantly reminded I have no spouse, no children and no one I would put in the situation where they would have to make the tough decisions on my health.
Then we had a talk amongst each other time; that is really where I got to interesting emotions.
First thing I felt was guilt. I was meeting everyone for the first time and I am one of the few who can walk with little assistance. I had no cane, I had no walker, and I had no wheelchair. I was now in a group of mostly 50+ people and their spouses where the minority walked without much assistance. I would be talking to people, explaining to them what I was able to do, what was good and I felt myself stopping the conversation because I was talking about exercise in front of a woman in a wheelchair. I could see the expression of hopelessness on her face as I talked. She cannot exercise, she cannot move much. She is a wonderful woman, kind and caring, but stupid me forgets she is in a wheelchair.
I look closely at her, she reminds me of Aunt Helen, only her chair is not motorized. She has the same expression on her face that I have seen before. It is heart twisting.
The conversations continue on and I get asked about my diet, about how strict I am with it about what changes I have seen with it. I explain, kinda feeling like I did with the training doctor was amazed with my optic neurosis. I politely talk, I smile, I feel alone in a crowd of people. I do not know what to say or do, knowing that I can just stand there as I do and many others are not able.
I also notice the spouses, how attentive they are, how caring. Again I feel alone, I have not anything like that. I feel like I have no one.
I leave, full of mixed emotions. I am glad I took that leap, I am glad I tried. I am also saddened.
I had hoped for someone my age that I could talk to, someone that I could share with. Maybe at the Walk I will find someone.