What happened?
There is a lot here the last two days so this is gonna be a long one...
Rewind...Tuesday night
I thought things were going well, for me anyway, and then Tuesday everything went sideways...I'm not sure what changed so fast, but something did...I got off work normally and went to Macomb and lifted like I have been lately...that means poorly, but I did. Failed at benching 440 again. That's a problem, but not the one I'm talking about...I went over to Marc's after I got something to eat when I got back into town. Along with some of the regulars, Emily was out at Marc's. Something seemed to be bothering her, but she didn't want to tell me. She had made a phone call, and I thought it had something to do with that, but I guess that wasn't the case. The evening progressed and I thought everything seemed normal. We played some HALO together and watched the Rundown after that. Like I said, everything seemed normal...When Kim finally got there from work and wanted to go to the store, Emily was going with her and she asked if anyone else wanted to go. I normally would have gone, but I figured she really wanted to talk to Kim, so I didn't go. That's about when things changed I think. When she got back she seemed like she was upset, but didn't want to show it. I could see she was upset with me when she looked at me, but I couldn't understand why. We were all sitting about, and Em had been getting a lot of text messages, and a guy that is fairly new to the basement named Jake, asked her if that was her stalker. She quickly replied no. That made me even more curious. I sent her a text and asked if I could talk to her for a minute before she left. She responded "Why" and I told her that I knew something was up and I wanted to know what it was and she responded with "What do you mean something is up". I know her way to well to not be able to tell something is bothering her and I could tell it was a little about me so I texted back that something was bothering her and I wanted to hear about what was going on. She texted back, "Nothing is bothering me". I was standing across the room, and she showed her phone to Jake and he blurts out, "Did you tell him what's bothering you?" Now I clearly know something is up and the new guy knows and I don't. That irritates me. She knows that I know and hides her face. I walk over, but she still plays like nothing is up, so I just walk back over to the couch. I tried asking Cyrus earlier what was up, but he denied any knowledge. I decided to leave when Kim was leaving because I wanted to talk to her and see if she would tell me. Emily decided to leave then so I wanted to talk to her as well. Everybody is playing like I'm some sort of idiot and can't see that something is going on and everybody is in on it but me. When Em walks up the stairs, she just looks at me like "what do you want" and I tell her that I'm going to be blunt. I say "Cut the shit" and ask her to tell me what's going on. She says to me that she is going to be blunt and I motion for her to step out into the garage. She is pissed and says "Oh sure, order me around like a dog" Clearly something is wrong. She asks me what gives me the right to stalk her. I am confused by this statement and I really don't know what she means, but apparently Kim had told her that the night she wanted her blades back,(Jul 2.) after Kim, Marc, and I were standing in the driveway and could have all sworn that Em drove by, that I took off after her and drove out to Spoon to check on her. This is not what I did and it pisses me off that Kim presumes to tell her that without knowing. I went and drove around town for a bit because I was frustrated. She then asked why I had looked at Cyrus' phone earlier. I told her that I was looking at the pics of his new apartment. I know that earlier in the evening she had been texting Cyrus across the room, and I'm sure she thought that I had read the texts. I don't know why Cy didn't say anything to me when I was looking at his phone, because he clearly thought it was important enough to tell Emily. Everybody seems to be turning against me. She was so angry with me and told me that it felt like I was always there watching over her. I tried to tell her that I wasn't and it was just a feeling, but she didn't really respond to that well. She said that she was still feeling trapped and it was like we were still dating, minus the sex and all the hanging out. This was very confusing to me... I didn't understand what was wrong. I thought we had been getting closer again because she was getting more and more comfortable with the idea of being with someone again. She tried to explain why she felt that way beyond those things others had told her. I was asking her about her day and asked her what she planned on doing with her day off. Apparently these were too invasive. I thought they were just conversation, but not to her. I guess she is just too sensitive to someone who might be controlling her or watching her right now. What I thought were words of encouragement she now thinks are manipulation. I never wanted to manipulate her. I do want to get back together with her very much and she was reciprocating. She seemed like she was very happy with what was happening. I don't know what went wrong. A few days back she told me she still loved me and wanted to be with me, but she just wasn't ready yet. While we were talking at Marc's house I asked her if it would be ok if I asked who was texting her, since she probably recieve 50 texts in an hour or so. She told me it was a guy that Amber was setting her up with and she was going to go on a date with him. I don't know why she is doing this. She says she doesn't want to be seeing anyone right now, but then she is going on a date with someone...I am so lost and confused on this that I don't know what to do. She wants me to just let her go. She wants to be put back with the others and just be my friend right now. I don't know if this means forever or for how long...I don't know what to do. She was getting pissed and Chris started texting and calling her a lot while we were talking and that was just pissing her off even more. She was upset when she left, but I don't think I can really talk to her anymore. Afterwards I talked to Marc a few minutes to see what he knew about was going on and to vent a little bit on what just took place. He didn't have any idea what was going on with her. He was irritated by the drama that is going on, not only with me, but with everyone else too. He wants to avoid more drama, so he decided to cancel his party this Saturday. It's a sad thing to do, but in order to avoid drama, it may be the best thing to do. I hate that I am one of the contributors to this, but I can't seem to avoid it.
Fast Forward...Wednesday
I got to bed around 3 am and I didn't feel very good at the time and I didn't sleep well for the next couple hours. I got up around 7 am like usual and I just couldn't make it. I couldn't deal with work that day. I couldn't deal with the other people...I was just way to depressed about the previous evening. I told mom that I wasn't going to be able to make it and what had happened and she told me to go back to bed and try and sleep some more. I slept fitfully for another few hours, waking about every hour or so. I kept having good dreams that turned to nightmares when I woke up and realized that they weren't true. I kept dreaming so vividly that Em would call or come by and we got back together or she called me and said that she was just mad last night and took it all back...like I said, good dreams that made me feel even worse when I woke up and they weren't true...I dragged myself down to the office around 12:30. I was so sad I couldn't do anything. I didn't want to eat anymore. I talked to Mom for a while in her office while everyone was gone. She wasn't sure what I should do, but something needed to be done because it was screwing up every aspect of my life. Lifting is going like trash, and I wasn't performing well at work, and I was steadily destroying myself. Lunch hour was over, but she wanted to make sure I ate something so we ended up at McDonalds and I managed to eat something despite that being the opposite of what I wanted...I called Matt and asked him if we could hang out and talk for a while and he said he just need to get a bath and then he would come by the house. I was waiting at the house, but I just couldn't make it any longer. I started drinking Jack Daniels and I had most of the bottle finished by the time he showed up at about 3 pm. Shortly before three, much to my surprise I got a text from Emily saying that she was really mad. I asked her why and she said it was about Johnny and Topline, so I asked her if she wanted to call me and talk to me about it. She called and we talked about what was going on and how Johnny was controlling her and how Topline fucked up and it was all over a problem to her car that she didn't want fixed anyway. She also wasn't getting the errands done that she needed to get done, and it was all stressing her out and her lab exam she was having later on was really stressing her out. Her mother had also apparently left a voicemail with her last night while we were talking and bitched her out for not being responsible and not being home on time...It was all getting to her. I tried my best to talk her through these things and to reassure her that she will do fine on her test. I made some suggestions about what she can do to get more control of her life, but I don't think she is up to that yet. She was also stressed out about her diet and that in the last week not only did she not lose any more weight, but she gained a pound. I explained to her very detailed what was happening and why it happened and that if she stays on the diet, she will continue to lose again after the third week. After that I just asked her real quickly if she really did believe me last night when I told her that I didn't drive out to Spoon and check on her and that I didn't go through Cyrus' text messages. She told me that she believed me and I was a little relieved, but it didn't change anything. I was about half-way through my bottle. The whole conversation took about 17 minutes and ended when she got to Krogers to buy food for her mom...something else that was pissing her off. Her mom didn't have money to buy groceries but it was alright for Em to go buy them. Just another way she is expected to pick up the slack around her house. She does need to move out of her house, and I don't think she should wait another year to do it. I think she either needs to get things changed around there, or leave. Staying there is not helping her at all. I talked with Matt for a while about what was going on and he gave me some advice on how he handled a similar situation. While he talked I finished my bottle and sadly I wasn't even buzzed. I was however feeling better in that I wasn't feeling as much. He had errands to run, So I went to Wal-Mart with him. When we got there and about 40 minutes after I was done talking to Emily, she called me back really upset, actually kind of mad and asked me what I had done when I went back in after she left. I told her that I talked to Marc for a little and this is apparently what she meant, because she must have called him and asked about him canceling his party and he yelled at her about all the drama she was causing and how he didn't need to deal with that. She was didn't know what to do and didn't know if she had to just give up Marc as a friend over this whole thing or what to do. Since I was asking Marc what he thought was going on, she angrily told me to ask her any questions that I still had. I told her that the questions I had that needed answered were the same ones I have had and the ones that she couldn't give me answers to right now. We then went over some old ground again and I told her that I was resigned to wait and the ball was in her court and it was up to her to decide. I think she was already on her way to her test and she told me that she had to go and I said goodbye...Matt and I hung out a while longer while he was doing what he needed to get done and then we went to dinner at OverSea. Good food, but I didn't want to eat, but so it was unpleasant to stuff more down. We continued to talk and did more errands and then around 8 I went home and we were going to go for a ride later that night when it was dark. I decided I didn't want to be at home, so I went to Marc's and sat for a while. I hung around, and I did ask Marc if he still wanted to get some beer and hang out on Saturday and he said he would. Matt and I didn't end up riding because it rained a little bit and his road bike tires don't do well with wet pavement. I decided that I could do it so I went out and rode a bit on my own I got a few miles out and the skies opened up again and dumped on me. Didn't really matter at the time because I just wanted to ride. I got about 10 miles or so in before I was soaked and called it quits for the evening.
Fast Forward...Today
I am still really down about the whole thing, but I dragged my ass in to work anyway. I didn't sleep really well last night...shocking...There is so much I would like to do, but I can't do it. I need to decide when I'm going to go get the booze for Saturday. Even though there isn't a party scheduled anymore, the beer we want needs to be gotten from Peoria. I need to gather money from people if the want something and Emily said yesterday she would call me later about the booze. I'm not sure if I should ask her if she wants to go with me to get it, since she always likes to shop around get different things. That's the hard part. I don't know how she would take that. If we are still to be friends, then it would be reasonable thing to ask, but then that is the trouble with where we are at right now. There is different interpretations for these things. After all, me asking her about her day was invasive and designed to control her in some way. I don't know. I was thinking about going Friday after I got paid, but that may not work either. I still don't feel like eating, but I've choked some stuff down. This post has gone so long that its actually during my lunch hour now and I'm not going to lunch...I'm gonna try and go lifting today, but my heart just isn't in it. Probably because my heart is dying along with the rest of me...
Rewind...Tuesday night
I thought things were going well, for me anyway, and then Tuesday everything went sideways...I'm not sure what changed so fast, but something did...I got off work normally and went to Macomb and lifted like I have been lately...that means poorly, but I did. Failed at benching 440 again. That's a problem, but not the one I'm talking about...I went over to Marc's after I got something to eat when I got back into town. Along with some of the regulars, Emily was out at Marc's. Something seemed to be bothering her, but she didn't want to tell me. She had made a phone call, and I thought it had something to do with that, but I guess that wasn't the case. The evening progressed and I thought everything seemed normal. We played some HALO together and watched the Rundown after that. Like I said, everything seemed normal...When Kim finally got there from work and wanted to go to the store, Emily was going with her and she asked if anyone else wanted to go. I normally would have gone, but I figured she really wanted to talk to Kim, so I didn't go. That's about when things changed I think. When she got back she seemed like she was upset, but didn't want to show it. I could see she was upset with me when she looked at me, but I couldn't understand why. We were all sitting about, and Em had been getting a lot of text messages, and a guy that is fairly new to the basement named Jake, asked her if that was her stalker. She quickly replied no. That made me even more curious. I sent her a text and asked if I could talk to her for a minute before she left. She responded "Why" and I told her that I knew something was up and I wanted to know what it was and she responded with "What do you mean something is up". I know her way to well to not be able to tell something is bothering her and I could tell it was a little about me so I texted back that something was bothering her and I wanted to hear about what was going on. She texted back, "Nothing is bothering me". I was standing across the room, and she showed her phone to Jake and he blurts out, "Did you tell him what's bothering you?" Now I clearly know something is up and the new guy knows and I don't. That irritates me. She knows that I know and hides her face. I walk over, but she still plays like nothing is up, so I just walk back over to the couch. I tried asking Cyrus earlier what was up, but he denied any knowledge. I decided to leave when Kim was leaving because I wanted to talk to her and see if she would tell me. Emily decided to leave then so I wanted to talk to her as well. Everybody is playing like I'm some sort of idiot and can't see that something is going on and everybody is in on it but me. When Em walks up the stairs, she just looks at me like "what do you want" and I tell her that I'm going to be blunt. I say "Cut the shit" and ask her to tell me what's going on. She says to me that she is going to be blunt and I motion for her to step out into the garage. She is pissed and says "Oh sure, order me around like a dog" Clearly something is wrong. She asks me what gives me the right to stalk her. I am confused by this statement and I really don't know what she means, but apparently Kim had told her that the night she wanted her blades back,(Jul 2.) after Kim, Marc, and I were standing in the driveway and could have all sworn that Em drove by, that I took off after her and drove out to Spoon to check on her. This is not what I did and it pisses me off that Kim presumes to tell her that without knowing. I went and drove around town for a bit because I was frustrated. She then asked why I had looked at Cyrus' phone earlier. I told her that I was looking at the pics of his new apartment. I know that earlier in the evening she had been texting Cyrus across the room, and I'm sure she thought that I had read the texts. I don't know why Cy didn't say anything to me when I was looking at his phone, because he clearly thought it was important enough to tell Emily. Everybody seems to be turning against me. She was so angry with me and told me that it felt like I was always there watching over her. I tried to tell her that I wasn't and it was just a feeling, but she didn't really respond to that well. She said that she was still feeling trapped and it was like we were still dating, minus the sex and all the hanging out. This was very confusing to me... I didn't understand what was wrong. I thought we had been getting closer again because she was getting more and more comfortable with the idea of being with someone again. She tried to explain why she felt that way beyond those things others had told her. I was asking her about her day and asked her what she planned on doing with her day off. Apparently these were too invasive. I thought they were just conversation, but not to her. I guess she is just too sensitive to someone who might be controlling her or watching her right now. What I thought were words of encouragement she now thinks are manipulation. I never wanted to manipulate her. I do want to get back together with her very much and she was reciprocating. She seemed like she was very happy with what was happening. I don't know what went wrong. A few days back she told me she still loved me and wanted to be with me, but she just wasn't ready yet. While we were talking at Marc's house I asked her if it would be ok if I asked who was texting her, since she probably recieve 50 texts in an hour or so. She told me it was a guy that Amber was setting her up with and she was going to go on a date with him. I don't know why she is doing this. She says she doesn't want to be seeing anyone right now, but then she is going on a date with someone...I am so lost and confused on this that I don't know what to do. She wants me to just let her go. She wants to be put back with the others and just be my friend right now. I don't know if this means forever or for how long...I don't know what to do. She was getting pissed and Chris started texting and calling her a lot while we were talking and that was just pissing her off even more. She was upset when she left, but I don't think I can really talk to her anymore. Afterwards I talked to Marc a few minutes to see what he knew about was going on and to vent a little bit on what just took place. He didn't have any idea what was going on with her. He was irritated by the drama that is going on, not only with me, but with everyone else too. He wants to avoid more drama, so he decided to cancel his party this Saturday. It's a sad thing to do, but in order to avoid drama, it may be the best thing to do. I hate that I am one of the contributors to this, but I can't seem to avoid it.
Fast Forward...Wednesday
I got to bed around 3 am and I didn't feel very good at the time and I didn't sleep well for the next couple hours. I got up around 7 am like usual and I just couldn't make it. I couldn't deal with work that day. I couldn't deal with the other people...I was just way to depressed about the previous evening. I told mom that I wasn't going to be able to make it and what had happened and she told me to go back to bed and try and sleep some more. I slept fitfully for another few hours, waking about every hour or so. I kept having good dreams that turned to nightmares when I woke up and realized that they weren't true. I kept dreaming so vividly that Em would call or come by and we got back together or she called me and said that she was just mad last night and took it all back...like I said, good dreams that made me feel even worse when I woke up and they weren't true...I dragged myself down to the office around 12:30. I was so sad I couldn't do anything. I didn't want to eat anymore. I talked to Mom for a while in her office while everyone was gone. She wasn't sure what I should do, but something needed to be done because it was screwing up every aspect of my life. Lifting is going like trash, and I wasn't performing well at work, and I was steadily destroying myself. Lunch hour was over, but she wanted to make sure I ate something so we ended up at McDonalds and I managed to eat something despite that being the opposite of what I wanted...I called Matt and asked him if we could hang out and talk for a while and he said he just need to get a bath and then he would come by the house. I was waiting at the house, but I just couldn't make it any longer. I started drinking Jack Daniels and I had most of the bottle finished by the time he showed up at about 3 pm. Shortly before three, much to my surprise I got a text from Emily saying that she was really mad. I asked her why and she said it was about Johnny and Topline, so I asked her if she wanted to call me and talk to me about it. She called and we talked about what was going on and how Johnny was controlling her and how Topline fucked up and it was all over a problem to her car that she didn't want fixed anyway. She also wasn't getting the errands done that she needed to get done, and it was all stressing her out and her lab exam she was having later on was really stressing her out. Her mother had also apparently left a voicemail with her last night while we were talking and bitched her out for not being responsible and not being home on time...It was all getting to her. I tried my best to talk her through these things and to reassure her that she will do fine on her test. I made some suggestions about what she can do to get more control of her life, but I don't think she is up to that yet. She was also stressed out about her diet and that in the last week not only did she not lose any more weight, but she gained a pound. I explained to her very detailed what was happening and why it happened and that if she stays on the diet, she will continue to lose again after the third week. After that I just asked her real quickly if she really did believe me last night when I told her that I didn't drive out to Spoon and check on her and that I didn't go through Cyrus' text messages. She told me that she believed me and I was a little relieved, but it didn't change anything. I was about half-way through my bottle. The whole conversation took about 17 minutes and ended when she got to Krogers to buy food for her mom...something else that was pissing her off. Her mom didn't have money to buy groceries but it was alright for Em to go buy them. Just another way she is expected to pick up the slack around her house. She does need to move out of her house, and I don't think she should wait another year to do it. I think she either needs to get things changed around there, or leave. Staying there is not helping her at all. I talked with Matt for a while about what was going on and he gave me some advice on how he handled a similar situation. While he talked I finished my bottle and sadly I wasn't even buzzed. I was however feeling better in that I wasn't feeling as much. He had errands to run, So I went to Wal-Mart with him. When we got there and about 40 minutes after I was done talking to Emily, she called me back really upset, actually kind of mad and asked me what I had done when I went back in after she left. I told her that I talked to Marc for a little and this is apparently what she meant, because she must have called him and asked about him canceling his party and he yelled at her about all the drama she was causing and how he didn't need to deal with that. She was didn't know what to do and didn't know if she had to just give up Marc as a friend over this whole thing or what to do. Since I was asking Marc what he thought was going on, she angrily told me to ask her any questions that I still had. I told her that the questions I had that needed answered were the same ones I have had and the ones that she couldn't give me answers to right now. We then went over some old ground again and I told her that I was resigned to wait and the ball was in her court and it was up to her to decide. I think she was already on her way to her test and she told me that she had to go and I said goodbye...Matt and I hung out a while longer while he was doing what he needed to get done and then we went to dinner at OverSea. Good food, but I didn't want to eat, but so it was unpleasant to stuff more down. We continued to talk and did more errands and then around 8 I went home and we were going to go for a ride later that night when it was dark. I decided I didn't want to be at home, so I went to Marc's and sat for a while. I hung around, and I did ask Marc if he still wanted to get some beer and hang out on Saturday and he said he would. Matt and I didn't end up riding because it rained a little bit and his road bike tires don't do well with wet pavement. I decided that I could do it so I went out and rode a bit on my own I got a few miles out and the skies opened up again and dumped on me. Didn't really matter at the time because I just wanted to ride. I got about 10 miles or so in before I was soaked and called it quits for the evening.
Fast Forward...Today
I am still really down about the whole thing, but I dragged my ass in to work anyway. I didn't sleep really well last night...shocking...There is so much I would like to do, but I can't do it. I need to decide when I'm going to go get the booze for Saturday. Even though there isn't a party scheduled anymore, the beer we want needs to be gotten from Peoria. I need to gather money from people if the want something and Emily said yesterday she would call me later about the booze. I'm not sure if I should ask her if she wants to go with me to get it, since she always likes to shop around get different things. That's the hard part. I don't know how she would take that. If we are still to be friends, then it would be reasonable thing to ask, but then that is the trouble with where we are at right now. There is different interpretations for these things. After all, me asking her about her day was invasive and designed to control her in some way. I don't know. I was thinking about going Friday after I got paid, but that may not work either. I still don't feel like eating, but I've choked some stuff down. This post has gone so long that its actually during my lunch hour now and I'm not going to lunch...I'm gonna try and go lifting today, but my heart just isn't in it. Probably because my heart is dying along with the rest of me...