(no subject)
Yesterday I was feeling like trash...I was so sad and depressed about everything that is going on...I don't know what I am going to do. Long before the day was over I wanted to drink bad. Not the best thing, but that's how it is...The day was just full of angry phone calls about things not getting done and of course it's my fault.
I talked to Em a bit yesterday in texting and about 9 minutes on the phone after work and before her class...She came by after class to talk with me and see how I was doing. We went up to my room and laid on my bed and talked. We started off just talking about how the day was going and about happy times...I could see in her eyes that she wanted me and I'm sure that she could see it in my eyes. She asked me to kiss her and I did. We kissed for a while with the pent-up passion that we both had. It was good. Things started to progress a little from there, but she halted. Partly because she needed to go home and I think a little because she was afraid of what it would mean. I'm not sure if she really thinks that I will take our being together as she will definitely be coming back, or whether she thinks that is what it will mean for her. I believe she is just scared to death of the commitment because it will leave her vulnerable to the hurt and pain "when" I leave her like "everyone will". There's little I can do to convince her otherwise because I can't honestly promise that I will be there forever. No one can promise that. I tell her that I love her and I want to be with her and I don't see that changing. I think the talk we had last night was a good step for us. I certainly felt better while she was there. I asked her if she would come back and talk to me again soon because I feel it really helps. I can get a better idea for how she is feeling when I talk to her in person. I think she might come over again on Wednesday after class, but there is nothing definite. I need to help her with her fears, because right now she is scared to death of thing and it is so confusing and she doesn't know what she should do. I think she wants to be with me and to help her, but at the same time she is afraid of being dependent on me for that. I need to help her control her fears. If she can face her fear, then I know that she would want to be with me. I want to be with her so bad, more than anything else...more than lifting...everybody knows how much that means to me...
One question she asked was, If I could go back and choose again would I be able to choose her happiness over my misery again. I really don't know. It's a hard question. I think knowing now that it is helping her I could stand to do it again, but if she means if I can let go completely like we are never getting back together, then I think it's no. I don't want to think about that possibility. It hurts just thinking about it, let alone if that's the case. Right now she is scared and confused, and doesn't know what to do. I think her heart is telling her to be with me, but her fear is telling her to run...Fear is a powerful thing...it's going to be difficult to control...
I talked to Em a bit yesterday in texting and about 9 minutes on the phone after work and before her class...She came by after class to talk with me and see how I was doing. We went up to my room and laid on my bed and talked. We started off just talking about how the day was going and about happy times...I could see in her eyes that she wanted me and I'm sure that she could see it in my eyes. She asked me to kiss her and I did. We kissed for a while with the pent-up passion that we both had. It was good. Things started to progress a little from there, but she halted. Partly because she needed to go home and I think a little because she was afraid of what it would mean. I'm not sure if she really thinks that I will take our being together as she will definitely be coming back, or whether she thinks that is what it will mean for her. I believe she is just scared to death of the commitment because it will leave her vulnerable to the hurt and pain "when" I leave her like "everyone will". There's little I can do to convince her otherwise because I can't honestly promise that I will be there forever. No one can promise that. I tell her that I love her and I want to be with her and I don't see that changing. I think the talk we had last night was a good step for us. I certainly felt better while she was there. I asked her if she would come back and talk to me again soon because I feel it really helps. I can get a better idea for how she is feeling when I talk to her in person. I think she might come over again on Wednesday after class, but there is nothing definite. I need to help her with her fears, because right now she is scared to death of thing and it is so confusing and she doesn't know what she should do. I think she wants to be with me and to help her, but at the same time she is afraid of being dependent on me for that. I need to help her control her fears. If she can face her fear, then I know that she would want to be with me. I want to be with her so bad, more than anything else...more than lifting...everybody knows how much that means to me...
One question she asked was, If I could go back and choose again would I be able to choose her happiness over my misery again. I really don't know. It's a hard question. I think knowing now that it is helping her I could stand to do it again, but if she means if I can let go completely like we are never getting back together, then I think it's no. I don't want to think about that possibility. It hurts just thinking about it, let alone if that's the case. Right now she is scared and confused, and doesn't know what to do. I think her heart is telling her to be with me, but her fear is telling her to run...Fear is a powerful thing...it's going to be difficult to control...