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Jul 16, 2007 09:36

How do I feel? Lately I can't seem to help how I feel...I would say that Jake has been trying to move in on Emily lately, but truthfully, he's never stopped trying...I know she doesn't want to have sex with him or be with him, but that he keeps trying even when Em and I were dating is pissing me off...Call it what you want, but when shit like this is happening I want to destroy my competition...possessiveness, jealousy, competitiveness, protective, or maybe just my animal nature to take out any and all comers that come for me and mine...He acts friendly toward me, but this is just a disrespect that I am finding hard to tolerate. I really don't think it's anything like jealousy because I don't believe that he could take her from me, it's just like he's stepping on my toes...At Emily's birthday party when she passed out in the side room he nearly raped her if I hadn't been there...Together or not, if he tries any of that shit at Marc's party this weekend, I don't think I will be able to be civil...Em doesn't believe me when I tell her that she's beautiful, but all the dogs that come sniffing around should at least tell her otherwise...She's got a good heart and is a good person...The looks are a big bonus to me, but not what I'm after. Not like everyone else. In the last few weeks, something about this has gotten me to start sleep walking. I don't really remember it, but once I woke up outside standing in the rain. I'm upset, so I'm sure my subconscious goes for a walk. And then some...it seems that I may be going for drives too. Last week when it was going to rain, I distinctly remember rolling the windows up on the Firebird, but when I came out in the morning they were down and it was wet inside. Last night between when I got home around 1 am and when Mom took the car in the morning it got about 60 more miles on it. Where the hell could I have gone for 60 miles! I've told Em about this and the possibility that since it has to do with her, I might be coming to see her in my sleep. I hope I don't do that but I can't rule it out.

Muscular Dysmorphia...an interesting problem...kinda the inverse of anorexia to the point that its been nicknamed "bigorexia"...basically the idea is that I will never be big or strong enough...No matter how much I can see in my head that I am stronger than most people and bigger than most, it is never enough. I see my self as weak and pathetic. With my recent weight loss and subsequent strength loss has made this horrible...it's made it feel even more real...it may sound stupid to others, but not being able to bench 500 lbs anymore is killing me...I couldn't even bench 440...With a new shirt I would have been well on my way to 550 lbs...I feel awful...something more to add to my misery...I couldn't deadlift yesterday, but I believe I will be able to next Sunday evening...I don't know if I'm going to Nationals now...if I can't at least match my March lifts, there is little point in going...Entry fee, six hour drive and motel stay for a poor showing...Zac is right, I need to get my head on straight...much easier said than done...

I know she wants to be with me, I just need to be patient, and keep my feelings in check...
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