(no subject)
Yesterday, Zac came back into town...He was going to the Current River with his family, but he had a few hours that we could hang out. Its good to see him again. I really don't go to Chicago and he doesn't get back to Canton often...I think the last time was Mother's Day... He got a new tattoo that says "open your eyes" in Italian on his upper left arm. Makes me think about what I am going to do for my tattoo. I have finally translated all the words I want, I just need to decide on a design...Anyway, I told Zac about what has been going on with me the last few weeks and without me really giving any detail I think he really hit part of it on the head. I didn't tell him that Em has had thoughts of getting back together with Chris, but he said she probably has a fear of abandonment and would is probably entertaining ideas of getting back together with him because she knows it doesn't work and it won't work so she won't have to worry about him abandoning her...As confusing as that sounds it really did ring true and I was surprise at how close he hit the mark. I talked to Emily on the phone a little bit last night after she got off work and had gone to Marc's for a while. She wanted to know what I was up to and was curious because I wasn't at Marc's house...I asked her what she was planning for the evening, and she said she might hang out with Lauren cause she was back in town. From texting her today, I guess she just fell asleep and didn't end up hanging out with Lauren, but she was going to see Harry Potter with her before she left. That's good. She gets to see the movie she has been dying to see and hang out with a friend she hasn't seen in a while. Hopefully that will raise her spirits for a while. I love to see her happy. Even if it is fleeting. Her laugh, her smile, the way her eyes sparkle make me so happy when she is happy. She told me Friday night that she had lost 5 pounds and showed me her stomach...She really has pretty developed abs and she can do 500 sit-ups...that's just madness...
Unfortunately I have been really depressed lately...like more down than I have been for more than a week. I don't really know why. I was feeling down a little earlier in the week, and then the fight with Jamie on Wednesday I just plunged into depression. Thursday night Emily thought I looked like I was going to cry, and Zac kept asking me if I was alright and my Mom is doing the same thing now, so I must be starting to look like I feel...It's different somehow...before I knew the source of my sadness, but now it seems more like everything in my life is making me sad...I'm not happy with anything...not lifting, not work, not life in general...I don't really want to keep pushing her, but what little time we have been together recently seems to make me feel happy, even if it is for a little while...I think things would turn around if she decided that she would be comfortable being in a relationship with me. One thing that has been bugging me lately is that even before we were dating, she used to act so happy to see me, and now doesn't really even say hi to me when I see her. I'm thinking its because the happiness before is an act she puts on, and since I managed to get past a lot of the walls she put up around herself, She doesn't act with me anymore...I hope...that or she just really isn't happy to see me...
I want to try and go Deadlifting today, but Siders is such a hard run down anymore. I can't ever seem to get a hold of him and he's always on the move doing something...probably means he wouldn't have time to go lifting anyway, but I can still ask. I haven't talked to him since that Saturday night...June 23...changed the course of my life for sure...
Unfortunately I have been really depressed lately...like more down than I have been for more than a week. I don't really know why. I was feeling down a little earlier in the week, and then the fight with Jamie on Wednesday I just plunged into depression. Thursday night Emily thought I looked like I was going to cry, and Zac kept asking me if I was alright and my Mom is doing the same thing now, so I must be starting to look like I feel...It's different somehow...before I knew the source of my sadness, but now it seems more like everything in my life is making me sad...I'm not happy with anything...not lifting, not work, not life in general...I don't really want to keep pushing her, but what little time we have been together recently seems to make me feel happy, even if it is for a little while...I think things would turn around if she decided that she would be comfortable being in a relationship with me. One thing that has been bugging me lately is that even before we were dating, she used to act so happy to see me, and now doesn't really even say hi to me when I see her. I'm thinking its because the happiness before is an act she puts on, and since I managed to get past a lot of the walls she put up around herself, She doesn't act with me anymore...I hope...that or she just really isn't happy to see me...
I want to try and go Deadlifting today, but Siders is such a hard run down anymore. I can't ever seem to get a hold of him and he's always on the move doing something...probably means he wouldn't have time to go lifting anyway, but I can still ask. I haven't talked to him since that Saturday night...June 23...changed the course of my life for sure...