to MN... or not
Yesterday morning, MK packed himself up for his trip. He hadn't started yet at all, so it was pretty much doing everything to get ready to go. He woke me up when he got home instead of letting me sleep til my usual time so that we could spend the morning together before he left. I helped him gather things up - phone charger, power converter for car to laptop, headset for teamspeak, travel snacks and drinks - you know. The whole works plus some. I made sure he had the travel charm I'd made years ago; just because it's tradition that he/we travel with it. [It involves cat whiskers, if you are curious. Go Go Paganism. Our personal one also includes whiskers from the rest of the pets in the house and a piece of each of our hair. Yeah. I know. Laugh all you like.]
After the car was all packed up, he went into the kitchen to cook himself some breakfast - cream of wheat, i believe. I asked him if he'd like to go out to breakfast with me instead, if he wasn't in a hurry to get on the road. He agreed, and we hopped into my car to head to Waffle House. It was =packed full=, so our plans changed to the awesome and extravagant McDonald's. I was subdued while we were eating; i fought hard not to cry while we were out in public. After we ate, we stopped by walmart to pick up a couple of things that i was short on and would have waited until i was desperate for them to leave the house again on my own.
When we got home, I went into the bedroom to change back into my house clothes. I was crying and basically being pitiful. I was -not- looking forward to being by myself for a couple of weeks - which is just plain weird, seeing as he's left me alone for an entire year in the past. It's not like it's new and frightening, you know? But still, i was desperately sad and crying and i kept hugging him and getting tears all over his shirt. He followed me into the bedroom, and he put the travel charm into my jewelry box. I asked him why he did that, because it was important to me that he take it with him. He shrugged and said he didn't need it - then he took his shorts off and put them into his dresser. I asked what he was doing - he replied that he was getting comfortable. I asked shouldn't he put his shorts in his suitcase, so he'd have them in MN? He replied that he has plenty of shorts.
At that moment, I realized what he was doing.
He canceled his trip to MN. At the last minute, so that i wouldn't spend two weeks on my own, crying and miserable and in a very fragile state of mental health. I immediately felt .... relieved. Grateful. And goddamned guilty. This makes the second year in a row that he's had to cancel his plans to visit home at the last minute, and while he says i am more important to him than a trip home - i still feel very very badly that he is giving up the chance to see his family. Again. [Last year wasn't my fault - it was the tax debacle, if you will recall.] I tried desperately to convince him that i -would- be ok on my own, and that his family was really looking forward to seeing him and that it'd been years since he had last seen him. But we all know MK - once he's made a decision, it takes a hurricane to make him change his mind. I tried to tell him i was positive his family would hate me [more] because it was me keeping him home - he says that they understand and that they do not hate me. My retort was along the lines of 'sure, they tell you that to your face, but i know they are going to talk amongst themselves! He shrugged and said again that i was more important.
We spent the entire day together, and he has the next two weeks off - he's not due back to work til ... the.... 16th? We laid in bed and had one of those 'deep talks' til something like 2am, which is so very extremely late for his usual sleep schedule that he was dozing off between sentences. He told me to stop feeling guilty, and that it was his decision and his right to make it and it was something he'd already been considering for a while. He says the medication has me 'up' but it's still very obvious that i am not 'better' and he didn't think it was the best thing for me to leave me alone for so long at this point in my life.
So here i am - happy that i am not alone, but feeling like a lowlife creep for causing him to miss a vacation with his family.
After the car was all packed up, he went into the kitchen to cook himself some breakfast - cream of wheat, i believe. I asked him if he'd like to go out to breakfast with me instead, if he wasn't in a hurry to get on the road. He agreed, and we hopped into my car to head to Waffle House. It was =packed full=, so our plans changed to the awesome and extravagant McDonald's. I was subdued while we were eating; i fought hard not to cry while we were out in public. After we ate, we stopped by walmart to pick up a couple of things that i was short on and would have waited until i was desperate for them to leave the house again on my own.
When we got home, I went into the bedroom to change back into my house clothes. I was crying and basically being pitiful. I was -not- looking forward to being by myself for a couple of weeks - which is just plain weird, seeing as he's left me alone for an entire year in the past. It's not like it's new and frightening, you know? But still, i was desperately sad and crying and i kept hugging him and getting tears all over his shirt. He followed me into the bedroom, and he put the travel charm into my jewelry box. I asked him why he did that, because it was important to me that he take it with him. He shrugged and said he didn't need it - then he took his shorts off and put them into his dresser. I asked what he was doing - he replied that he was getting comfortable. I asked shouldn't he put his shorts in his suitcase, so he'd have them in MN? He replied that he has plenty of shorts.
At that moment, I realized what he was doing.
He canceled his trip to MN. At the last minute, so that i wouldn't spend two weeks on my own, crying and miserable and in a very fragile state of mental health. I immediately felt .... relieved. Grateful. And goddamned guilty. This makes the second year in a row that he's had to cancel his plans to visit home at the last minute, and while he says i am more important to him than a trip home - i still feel very very badly that he is giving up the chance to see his family. Again. [Last year wasn't my fault - it was the tax debacle, if you will recall.] I tried desperately to convince him that i -would- be ok on my own, and that his family was really looking forward to seeing him and that it'd been years since he had last seen him. But we all know MK - once he's made a decision, it takes a hurricane to make him change his mind. I tried to tell him i was positive his family would hate me [more] because it was me keeping him home - he says that they understand and that they do not hate me. My retort was along the lines of 'sure, they tell you that to your face, but i know they are going to talk amongst themselves! He shrugged and said again that i was more important.
We spent the entire day together, and he has the next two weeks off - he's not due back to work til ... the.... 16th? We laid in bed and had one of those 'deep talks' til something like 2am, which is so very extremely late for his usual sleep schedule that he was dozing off between sentences. He told me to stop feeling guilty, and that it was his decision and his right to make it and it was something he'd already been considering for a while. He says the medication has me 'up' but it's still very obvious that i am not 'better' and he didn't think it was the best thing for me to leave me alone for so long at this point in my life.
So here i am - happy that i am not alone, but feeling like a lowlife creep for causing him to miss a vacation with his family.