Single Fighter
Today, I randomly cried (just around 5 minutes ago). I’m missing home so much, I might sound like a very whiny baby, but I miss my mommy and daddy so much, also my brothers. I always thought, living alone far from home is really cool, I get to do anything as I like and have my freedom without worrying over mom’s nagging or dad’s over-protectiveness. But now as I work in different city and live by myself for the first time in my life, I get to know firsthand how lonely it can be. I can’t see my friends that I left in my home town, I can’t call mom/dad everyday coz phone bill can be expensive, and no brothers to have a fight with everyday. I always think of myself as the strong and independent woman, that I’ll survive living alone. I thought after the first week I’d get used to this lifestyle, but no, I still cry whenever I’m overwhelmed by the feelings of missing my family. And even though it’s not everyday, but I miss my home often. I’m not the type of person who shows affection a lot. I never hug/kiss my parents often. But ever since I’m living by myself, the urge to hug my parents came almost everyday. Sometimes I feel like burying my face on mom’s chest and just cry, coz I want to just stay home and never go away again. At one point I even felt like running away, stop working and just snuggling in my mom’s embrace forever. LOL, apparently I’m such a spoiled, clingy and crybaby girl XD
And now I’m kinda sick. I know it’s only the usual flu, I got this lots of time and it’s just a common disease for me. But it’s my first sickness while I’m away from the family so it feels like it’s much more than that, haha… It reminds me of how mom always reminds me to eat and take some medicines, or told me to sleep early and rest well, checking on my condition any time she can. Nobody’s doing them for me now, I need to handle everything by myself. I feel somehow sad. Not to mention according to the date it seems like I’m having PMS soon, my emotions are so unstable, haha… More reason to randomly cry over even the smallest thing :P
A couple days ago my friend’s dad died, she’s my closest colleague at work. I went to her dad’s funeral and at that time I felt like running home and hold my dad, hoping nothing will take him away from me. I cried that night and magically mom called, probably it’s her mother’s instinct, but I was glad she called, I got to hear dad’s voice too and I felt at ease instantly. I never cried on the phone, coz I don’t want to worry my parents too much, I know it’s hard for them too coz they’ve always been so over-protective towards me so letting me go to live by myself is also a hard thing to do for them. That’s why I always use my happy voice when they call me so they’d be convinced that I’m living happily here. I know it’s only (almost) 2 weeks that I live here by myself and I just got back home last week (and I’ll go back home again next week actually), so it’s still the adjustment phase. I’m pretty optimistic that I’ll do better later, I know I’ll get used to living alone one day, I just need more time. But for now I just have to cope with this loneliness… At least when I’m connected to internet I don’t feel that lonely anymore, I have my friends to talk to me and I can also contact my brother and there’s SHINee, haha! But still, I can’t wait for this Thursday when I get home. I can’t wait to be around the people I love so much. And I kinda promise myself to cherish them even more and maybe show more affection for them…
But then, I’m also not giving up… I think despite all the sufferings and everything I’ll keep pushing myself forward, forcing myself to keep fighting, so I can be a stronger and more mature person, so I won’t be afraid of anything anymore. I know that my parents want me to fight too. So I’m not letting them down. I’ll prove to myself that I AM independent, I AM strong and I AM brave. I hope I can adjust with this new life soon. Let’s fighting!!! I know I can do it!!! WOOT!!! Give it up, give it up, give it up for Sashiiii~