First Love Never Dies
Two days ago i had a surprise meeting with someone from my past, someone that i thought i've forgotten completely from my life. Well, it's not exactly a planned meeting, i just coincidentally saw him at the supermarket where me and my mom went shopping to. If someone ask me who he is (or more like, was) to me, i wouldn't be able to tell, mainly because we never labelled our relationship, so i simply have no idea of who he was for me. But we did have quite a story back then :P So just to give a little background story, i'll tell some little things about what we had in the past.
It started around, hmm... 9 or 10 years ago? I was on the 2nd grade of middle school (LOL, i know i was a kid back then, but don't judge me by my age, i knew what i had back then was real :P), he was in the same year as me, but not in the same class, he's from the next class. I didn't know about his existence at first until a friend of mine told me about him... He said this kid in the next class was interested in me. I was taken aback since nobody had ever showing any interest on me during my middle school year, so i was curious YEAH~ (pardon my Shawol mind XD) I told my friend that we could be friends if he wanted and i gave my number in hope that he would initiate the first move (LOL, why am i getting so embarrassed talking about this??? >///<). And apparently he did! 8D He texted me that night telling me that he wanted to get to know me and i was like, "Okay, let's be friends~ (coz i want to know about you too~)"
And everything went from there, we texted everyday (and night) talking about some random stuff. We got closer by the day and i started to develop this feelings for him... The feelings that (i thought) he had for me too... So after several weeks (or months, i can't even remember clearly) we started to say some cheesy stuff to each other... like, "I miss you", "I like you so much", things like that. But even though we kinda confessed to each other back then, we never really had an official relationship (or in simple word, "dating"), mainly because i told him that my parents wouldn't let me date a guy before i go to college. So being the good kids that we were, we refrained ourselves from "illegal dating" (the one kids our age back then used to do behind their parents' back XD) and was contented by our "intense cheesy texting" XDDD And by that i really meant that we only texted each other back then, well, there were several phone calls but that's just it! The weirdest thing on our relationship was the fact that we've never talked face to face even once. When we met each other at school, we never greeted each other, we didn't even acknowledge each other's present. It was as if we're both just... strangers. But when we're out of school (with our old phones in our hand) we're like the most romantic couple ever, hahaha!!! That's why even though we acted like strangers in public, almost everybody in our year knew about us. They all knew about our (not so) secret relationship and automatically considered us as a dating couple (tho as i said, we're not XD).
All in all, there were a lot of things happened, some were not so good (like this one girl, who apparently had the same name as me, who had a huge crush on him too and confronted me about it, asking me if i really love him and if we're really dating and so on, but that's another story for another time, so let's forget about it :P), and most were fluffy and happy, i felt so loved and cared and i felt like the happiest teenage girl in the universe XDDD (LOL you know love can get you that feeling).
But then suddenly he grew more distant... he stopped texting me and replying to my text gradually till one day he was gone... completely ignoring me... completely being the stranger that he were before "us" started. It was maybe after a year of our texting relationship, on the 3rd year of middle school. I was confused... i asked his friends what happened till i finally got the answer... He fell for this other girl... his classmate... And since we never had the official relationship, i guess it just wasn't my place to demand for explanation, i had no right to claim him "mine". And i was crushed... i was really broken, all my happy days with him were abruptly taken away by the presence of another girl...
It took me over a year to completely recover from the pain. I cried myself to sleep every single night for over a year, it was a painful experience... And after i managed to stop feeling sad and grief i started to feel anger and hate. I felt so betrayed that i felt sick every time i think about him... And finally after months of hating, i finally felt numb. I didn't feel anything when i thought about him... No sadness, no anger, no hate, no pain, and most importantly... no love. It's back to square one... back to complete strangers...
And so... back to the present (fiuh, curse my bad habit, i tend to talk more than needed so now the so-called background story had grown into a one shot by itself OTL), as i said before i already reached my "numb" phase long ago, i never feel anything special on him anymore (both in positive or negative way). I even kinda stalk through his facebook (yeah, we're friends in facebook, i didn't even remember how that happened O_____o) just to see how he's doing and i actually smiled looking at his profile, thinking, "Aah... so he's graduated from college" "Aah... so doing this now... he's doing that now..." something like that and i can actually smile thinking about everything that happened between us, thinking that it's just some funny memories from the past. So naturally i thought that even when i'd see him again (in front of my eyes), i would also feel nothing and laugh about it after.
But then i saw him 2 nights ago... for the first time after years i saw him with my own eyes... right in front of me... so close i could reach him with my hands... And what i felt was the complete opposite. To say that i was shocked was an understatement, no... i was more than shocked... i was paralyzed... i was so shaken if i didn't grab my trolley i knew i would collapse... My heart skipped a beat (or maybe more, just like what's written in most of the fanfictions) and i felt something foreign... I felt a pang in my heart that i couldn't recognize as anything, it's just there, somehow aching for an unknown reason. It's like the gate to all my locked feelings was re-opened that i felt all the mixed feelings inside, sadness, pain, loneliness, anger, just everything. I had this sudden strong urge to cry over all the overwhelming feelings and so i did a mini-mental-breakdown, i cried on the inside, my inner me was crying in pain that i thought i would never experience again. I was trembling and i tried my best to put on my poker face (coz i held my pride too, i don't want to show him how much he affected me, how vulnerable i was on his presence), but it's pretty hard so i kept my head low so if the worst would happen and i accidentally dropped a tear, no-one would know.
And the worst thing was that mom just had to shop in the same section as him so i had to survive some (pretty long) awkward moments being so close to him (it was really close that we almost brushed against each other for several times). It was very suffocating... i couldn't breath properly when i was near him, i just wanted to run away, far far away from him, but i didn't want to seem like a coward so i (forced myself to) stay, hoping that he would go away soon. I kinda stole some glances towards his face, searching for a tiniest sign of recognition that he actually remember me, remember my face. But it's either he's a good actor who put his poker face pretending that he didn't know me or he just simply didn't recognize me O____O Coz i couldn't find any sign.
It hurts to think that he might not even remember everything we had in the past, everything we shared. It really hurts to think that he didn't even remember ME... that we've never been more than strangers... oh and did i say that he's with a girl??? (i'm assuming she's his girlfriend coz she didn't look like his relatives or anything, and i KNOW that he doesn't have female siblings) So yeah, it kinda doubled the pain (tho i doubt that it was jealousy that i felt).
And so finally after the agonizing minutes of being with him, he finally left with his girl, away from me and slowly... i regained my composure once again... But then i felt something else... when i was finally far and safe away from him, i actually had this longing feeling, like i secretly wanted him to stay... like i missed him. It was weird, all my feelings were so mixed up i couldn't even give a proper respond to my mom when she asked something. I just wanted to get out of there, go back home and wallow in my sorrow.
During my whole trip back home i thought about the unexpected event that night. Despite my pounding heart, the ache in my chest subsided and i could think more clearly. I was thinking... maybe... just maybe... maybe i wasn't entirely moved on. Maybe the numb feeling i felt before was only a mask to hide the real feelings i still have. Maybe when my brain told me it's over, my heart didn't feel the same. Maybe my heart unconsciously still yearn for him. Maybe deep down inside i still have a tiny fraction of love for him... And suddenly it dawned on me that... i never love anyone like i did to him. He's my first love... and no one can ever forget their first love (or so it said). So then i came to a conclusion... that night... i learned something special...
Yes, First love indeed never dies~rst
It started around, hmm... 9 or 10 years ago? I was on the 2nd grade of middle school (LOL, i know i was a kid back then, but don't judge me by my age, i knew what i had back then was real :P), he was in the same year as me, but not in the same class, he's from the next class. I didn't know about his existence at first until a friend of mine told me about him... He said this kid in the next class was interested in me. I was taken aback since nobody had ever showing any interest on me during my middle school year, so i was curious YEAH~ (pardon my Shawol mind XD) I told my friend that we could be friends if he wanted and i gave my number in hope that he would initiate the first move (LOL, why am i getting so embarrassed talking about this??? >///<). And apparently he did! 8D He texted me that night telling me that he wanted to get to know me and i was like, "Okay, let's be friends~ (coz i want to know about you too~)"
And everything went from there, we texted everyday (and night) talking about some random stuff. We got closer by the day and i started to develop this feelings for him... The feelings that (i thought) he had for me too... So after several weeks (or months, i can't even remember clearly) we started to say some cheesy stuff to each other... like, "I miss you", "I like you so much", things like that. But even though we kinda confessed to each other back then, we never really had an official relationship (or in simple word, "dating"), mainly because i told him that my parents wouldn't let me date a guy before i go to college. So being the good kids that we were, we refrained ourselves from "illegal dating" (the one kids our age back then used to do behind their parents' back XD) and was contented by our "intense cheesy texting" XDDD And by that i really meant that we only texted each other back then, well, there were several phone calls but that's just it! The weirdest thing on our relationship was the fact that we've never talked face to face even once. When we met each other at school, we never greeted each other, we didn't even acknowledge each other's present. It was as if we're both just... strangers. But when we're out of school (with our old phones in our hand) we're like the most romantic couple ever, hahaha!!! That's why even though we acted like strangers in public, almost everybody in our year knew about us. They all knew about our (not so) secret relationship and automatically considered us as a dating couple (tho as i said, we're not XD).
All in all, there were a lot of things happened, some were not so good (like this one girl, who apparently had the same name as me, who had a huge crush on him too and confronted me about it, asking me if i really love him and if we're really dating and so on, but that's another story for another time, so let's forget about it :P), and most were fluffy and happy, i felt so loved and cared and i felt like the happiest teenage girl in the universe XDDD (LOL you know love can get you that feeling).
But then suddenly he grew more distant... he stopped texting me and replying to my text gradually till one day he was gone... completely ignoring me... completely being the stranger that he were before "us" started. It was maybe after a year of our texting relationship, on the 3rd year of middle school. I was confused... i asked his friends what happened till i finally got the answer... He fell for this other girl... his classmate... And since we never had the official relationship, i guess it just wasn't my place to demand for explanation, i had no right to claim him "mine". And i was crushed... i was really broken, all my happy days with him were abruptly taken away by the presence of another girl...
It took me over a year to completely recover from the pain. I cried myself to sleep every single night for over a year, it was a painful experience... And after i managed to stop feeling sad and grief i started to feel anger and hate. I felt so betrayed that i felt sick every time i think about him... And finally after months of hating, i finally felt numb. I didn't feel anything when i thought about him... No sadness, no anger, no hate, no pain, and most importantly... no love. It's back to square one... back to complete strangers...
And so... back to the present (fiuh, curse my bad habit, i tend to talk more than needed so now the so-called background story had grown into a one shot by itself OTL), as i said before i already reached my "numb" phase long ago, i never feel anything special on him anymore (both in positive or negative way). I even kinda stalk through his facebook (yeah, we're friends in facebook, i didn't even remember how that happened O_____o) just to see how he's doing and i actually smiled looking at his profile, thinking, "Aah... so he's graduated from college" "Aah... so doing this now... he's doing that now..." something like that and i can actually smile thinking about everything that happened between us, thinking that it's just some funny memories from the past. So naturally i thought that even when i'd see him again (in front of my eyes), i would also feel nothing and laugh about it after.
But then i saw him 2 nights ago... for the first time after years i saw him with my own eyes... right in front of me... so close i could reach him with my hands... And what i felt was the complete opposite. To say that i was shocked was an understatement, no... i was more than shocked... i was paralyzed... i was so shaken if i didn't grab my trolley i knew i would collapse... My heart skipped a beat (or maybe more, just like what's written in most of the fanfictions) and i felt something foreign... I felt a pang in my heart that i couldn't recognize as anything, it's just there, somehow aching for an unknown reason. It's like the gate to all my locked feelings was re-opened that i felt all the mixed feelings inside, sadness, pain, loneliness, anger, just everything. I had this sudden strong urge to cry over all the overwhelming feelings and so i did a mini-mental-breakdown, i cried on the inside, my inner me was crying in pain that i thought i would never experience again. I was trembling and i tried my best to put on my poker face (coz i held my pride too, i don't want to show him how much he affected me, how vulnerable i was on his presence), but it's pretty hard so i kept my head low so if the worst would happen and i accidentally dropped a tear, no-one would know.
And the worst thing was that mom just had to shop in the same section as him so i had to survive some (pretty long) awkward moments being so close to him (it was really close that we almost brushed against each other for several times). It was very suffocating... i couldn't breath properly when i was near him, i just wanted to run away, far far away from him, but i didn't want to seem like a coward so i (forced myself to) stay, hoping that he would go away soon. I kinda stole some glances towards his face, searching for a tiniest sign of recognition that he actually remember me, remember my face. But it's either he's a good actor who put his poker face pretending that he didn't know me or he just simply didn't recognize me O____O Coz i couldn't find any sign.
It hurts to think that he might not even remember everything we had in the past, everything we shared. It really hurts to think that he didn't even remember ME... that we've never been more than strangers... oh and did i say that he's with a girl??? (i'm assuming she's his girlfriend coz she didn't look like his relatives or anything, and i KNOW that he doesn't have female siblings) So yeah, it kinda doubled the pain (tho i doubt that it was jealousy that i felt).
And so finally after the agonizing minutes of being with him, he finally left with his girl, away from me and slowly... i regained my composure once again... But then i felt something else... when i was finally far and safe away from him, i actually had this longing feeling, like i secretly wanted him to stay... like i missed him. It was weird, all my feelings were so mixed up i couldn't even give a proper respond to my mom when she asked something. I just wanted to get out of there, go back home and wallow in my sorrow.
During my whole trip back home i thought about the unexpected event that night. Despite my pounding heart, the ache in my chest subsided and i could think more clearly. I was thinking... maybe... just maybe... maybe i wasn't entirely moved on. Maybe the numb feeling i felt before was only a mask to hide the real feelings i still have. Maybe when my brain told me it's over, my heart didn't feel the same. Maybe my heart unconsciously still yearn for him. Maybe deep down inside i still have a tiny fraction of love for him... And suddenly it dawned on me that... i never love anyone like i did to him. He's my first love... and no one can ever forget their first love (or so it said). So then i came to a conclusion... that night... i learned something special...
Yes, First love indeed never dies~rst