Keep running up that hill
Permit me to be a morose goth for this entry.
What is wrong with me? I haven’t been this easily upset. I think with my lack of sleep, my phobias of incoming lack of shifts and how I’m going to pay for everything and still manage to live, without assistance aka begging for help. And with me pms-ing, it makes me an emotional thing where it just adds up to the point that I’m in tears. And I’m not one that cries all that often, and if; not since I was younger. I don’t like feeling this. Feeling too much, too human. Why can’t I be closed off in my own way? Weak. That’s what I think I am when I do this. I think I’m actually crashing, like I've had enough of everything.
The thing is, I’m not overly depressed that I will be doing stupid things…or in need of constant assistance, but I am overwhelmed in thoughts, up to the point that I don’t want to care anymore. I’m tired and finding it difficult to convey how I am and feel.
At work it just seems an uphill battle getting something across, because I’m unable to say anything highly educated to what I meant. And half the time I stress for something mundane and I shouldn’t have to go overboard. Also I just feel that I’m the only one that tries too hard and too much and for what? It’s difficult for me to not give a damn or take it easy, but I’m in constant state of making everything right, everything good so I don’t have to have this on my mind later, or come back to me tenfold. But the moment I try to lack, in a way, I’m perhaps seen as lazy or unmotivated. And when I try to work like crazy, I just feel it’s all for naught what I’m doing; and also for the rest of my life choices. I haven’t done anything remarkable or meaningful in my life and I’m still not where everyone else is in life. I’m trying at little things and it just seems meaningless. Lately because of the outburst, I feel that head people keeps talking to me like I’m a newb, which seem to have added to yesterday’s moment. I’m paranoid that I’m going to get written up for little things and it’s getting close with my sudden panics. Caring about what others say and their actions, it’s making me not like being around people.
At all.
I still have it in thought that once October is over, there’s going to be new more people to take over treasury (which is ordinary) and again I’ll be stuck with no shifts for that position and then I’ll be back on floor pay, 4 hour shifts, that doesn’t even pay for half my rent; So here I am stressing out over this and messing up with the good shifts that I do get. I’m exhausted of struggling to make everything work. Is this growing up? I’m going to have an ulcer by the time I’m 30. Or a mental breakdown.
I can’t talk to anyone at from work because it’s just me bitching and it feels that it’s always going to be on record of what I say and come back to me to bite me in the ass. So here I am pouring out another chunk of my life to complete strangers and hoping that I’m not having too many people frown in contempt at my life, at how I whine about it. When I write it out, it helps a bit, to unload. But I don’t want to go into therapy again. Perhaps I’m more comfortable with faceless listeners. Work would most likely tell me to take some time off, in need of a vacation. As much as I would love that idea, I just can’t afford it. Also I can't talk to the parentals because they're already in their normal worried state. Besides, they can't help me financially because they're already have their own stuff to worry about, the same with the rest of the family. And it's just difficult to talk to anyone, again to convey how things are, what I mean.
UPDATE:
So on top of everything else that’s wrong with me; semi-misanthropic insomniac with knee problems, let’s add oh, how about anxiety. :/
So I went to a clinic just to see where I can go from there. He suggests that I should go to therapy and figure this out before it gets worse and I start to have panic attacks on the spot. Great. So basically there’s nothing they can do right now, and I would have to make an appointment to have a check up to diagnose how bad it is before I make another appointment to have my psyche checked. Also it’s not going to be covered as well, so that just adds to it. :/ Still failing. Still falling.
I am distracting myself with finding music and changing playlists. Doing a bit better now. We’ll see at the next busy night.
What is wrong with me? I haven’t been this easily upset. I think with my lack of sleep, my phobias of incoming lack of shifts and how I’m going to pay for everything and still manage to live, without assistance aka begging for help. And with me pms-ing, it makes me an emotional thing where it just adds up to the point that I’m in tears. And I’m not one that cries all that often, and if; not since I was younger. I don’t like feeling this. Feeling too much, too human. Why can’t I be closed off in my own way? Weak. That’s what I think I am when I do this. I think I’m actually crashing, like I've had enough of everything.
The thing is, I’m not overly depressed that I will be doing stupid things…or in need of constant assistance, but I am overwhelmed in thoughts, up to the point that I don’t want to care anymore. I’m tired and finding it difficult to convey how I am and feel.
At work it just seems an uphill battle getting something across, because I’m unable to say anything highly educated to what I meant. And half the time I stress for something mundane and I shouldn’t have to go overboard. Also I just feel that I’m the only one that tries too hard and too much and for what? It’s difficult for me to not give a damn or take it easy, but I’m in constant state of making everything right, everything good so I don’t have to have this on my mind later, or come back to me tenfold. But the moment I try to lack, in a way, I’m perhaps seen as lazy or unmotivated. And when I try to work like crazy, I just feel it’s all for naught what I’m doing; and also for the rest of my life choices. I haven’t done anything remarkable or meaningful in my life and I’m still not where everyone else is in life. I’m trying at little things and it just seems meaningless. Lately because of the outburst, I feel that head people keeps talking to me like I’m a newb, which seem to have added to yesterday’s moment. I’m paranoid that I’m going to get written up for little things and it’s getting close with my sudden panics. Caring about what others say and their actions, it’s making me not like being around people.
At all.
I still have it in thought that once October is over, there’s going to be new more people to take over treasury (which is ordinary) and again I’ll be stuck with no shifts for that position and then I’ll be back on floor pay, 4 hour shifts, that doesn’t even pay for half my rent; So here I am stressing out over this and messing up with the good shifts that I do get. I’m exhausted of struggling to make everything work. Is this growing up? I’m going to have an ulcer by the time I’m 30. Or a mental breakdown.
I can’t talk to anyone at from work because it’s just me bitching and it feels that it’s always going to be on record of what I say and come back to me to bite me in the ass. So here I am pouring out another chunk of my life to complete strangers and hoping that I’m not having too many people frown in contempt at my life, at how I whine about it. When I write it out, it helps a bit, to unload. But I don’t want to go into therapy again. Perhaps I’m more comfortable with faceless listeners. Work would most likely tell me to take some time off, in need of a vacation. As much as I would love that idea, I just can’t afford it. Also I can't talk to the parentals because they're already in their normal worried state. Besides, they can't help me financially because they're already have their own stuff to worry about, the same with the rest of the family. And it's just difficult to talk to anyone, again to convey how things are, what I mean.
UPDATE:
So on top of everything else that’s wrong with me; semi-misanthropic insomniac with knee problems, let’s add oh, how about anxiety. :/
So I went to a clinic just to see where I can go from there. He suggests that I should go to therapy and figure this out before it gets worse and I start to have panic attacks on the spot. Great. So basically there’s nothing they can do right now, and I would have to make an appointment to have a check up to diagnose how bad it is before I make another appointment to have my psyche checked. Also it’s not going to be covered as well, so that just adds to it. :/ Still failing. Still falling.
I am distracting myself with finding music and changing playlists. Doing a bit better now. We’ll see at the next busy night.