Xander’s mental breakdown
Summary: Xander trying to come to terms with the things he has done over the years.
Words: about 1600
Disclaimer All things BtVS belong to Joss Whedon, et al
“I can’t do this anymore”
“Do what?” Willow looked around the room for something anything that would have triggered Xander’s out-burst but everything was normal, in place.
“I just need a break Wills I feel like I missing… me maybe I don’t know “Xander walked out. Willow stared after him then waited for him to return he didn’t. The next day Willow told Buffy and Giles he went on vacation, Buffy guest that Willow was lying but didn’t say a word about it and went back to work. They got better as the years passed at lying to themselves if willow said there was nothing wrong with Xander then nothing was wrong with Xander. He was on vacation.
Suburbia was terrifying. Xander kept looking over his shoulder waiting just waiting for a monster to jump out? Attack? Talk? It was after he almost decked the mail carrier that he decided he needed counseling. He chooses one at random picking out of a phone book and made an appointment ‘the soonest possible please’. And waited because something has to change he has to change go back to who he was before the wars and darkness the first the manipulations of the powers that be. Yeah the shrink might think he was insane but people who had no problems didn’t end up here.
The day he left he had worked there for fifteen years. He walks into an office and made an appointment, with a shrink. Xander Harris walked into her office and made an appointment to talk. Just about stuff he said, adjusting to a normal everyday life. Then he smiled all boyish charm and dancing brown eye.
“I quit my Job” he told the shrink in their first session.
“Why did you quit your job?”
He smiled faintly “why does anyone quit? I didn’t want to do it anymore.”
“Did something happen?”
“No, not really, it was a normal day nobody died”
His shrink blinks once, a little puzzlement flicking across her carefully calm features. He needs this reaffirmation that living in a war zone is not normal it’s not something you get use to. Dead bodies aren’t normal.
“Did you lose many people?”
“It depends on your definition.” Definition of what he leaves blank people? Lose? Many? Yes to all and no because after all this time he knows how much worse the loss of friends and family could be.
He watches her again and she waits. She probably would think he’s making things up if he told her because the things he did aren’t recorded. No paper trails, most of the people how know what he did were dead some by his orders. Giles wasn’t the only one who sent out assassins. Fifteen years working with the watchers council and he left. Moved to a suburban neighborhood changed his name history face a little and try to be a normal person. Tried to stop jumping at sounds in the night, tried to stop reaching for weapons that weren’t there anymore, but he couldn’t stop looking over his shoulder. So here he was talking to someone years younger then him little more than an intern. Dancing around never talking about the nightmares and things he did. He doesn’t trust her not to lock him up if he tells the true whether or not she believes him.
He saw thing that made black ops agents turn white and run in fear. He killed for the first time when he was still a kid stabbed a stake into his best friend’s chest. He never talked to anyone about Jess. He had nightmares for years about plunging the stake in his chest and watching him disappear. Friends for ten years and he killed him. Yeah, Jess would have killed him but Harmony turned good and Spike sort of so maybe just maybe Jess would have changed. In his nightmare Jess changes and starts helping them and betrays them when they can’t win without him.
He use to dream about Anya leaving him hating him then later dying cut in half by a supper vampire. He imagined her death over and over. Sometimes he dreams she came back the help or hurt. To love him, that was the worst. He would wake up alone and she would be gone dead and gone.
For a few years his night mirrors consisted of Willow dark and terrible killing him and destroying the world. Ruling in cruel spender, His blood on her hands not able to talk her out of ending everything. Later he dreams of her being tortured and losing her support structure until she is all along again. Sometimes he dreams of kissing her and OZ watching then killing him in werewolf form.
Once in a while not often but sometimes when he sleeps with a new lover he dreams of Faith’s hands at his throat not often not even when he sleeps with her again years later just to feel something anything different. To remind himself he is still alive and because he doesn’t need to worry about waking her with a nightmare or explain the scars on his body. In spite of her trying to kill him she’s safe in ways only the Scoobes ever were.
For a while he dreams of the preacher working for the first pulling out his eye and telling him he sees too much. That brief moment of fear when he thought he was dead. Staying behind as bait to save the Slayers and maybe the world knowing he was going to die painfully, death by torture never pleasant. But she is still waiting for an answer watching him.
“I lost friends.” He finely answers
“It’s hard to lose someone close to you” the shrink said
“yeah it is”
And then he talked about his neighbor’s cat for the rest of the appointment.
******
When he first came in to the appointments she thought he didn’t really need any therapy. But then he looked at her and something in his stance changed and she thought solder coming back from one of the wars. Every season he mentions his job. He quit it but never says why, Brow eye becoming more serious, and then avoiding the topic. She starts guessing at his reticence she’s a therapies here now is the time and place to open up and talk. So she pushes.
”Were you in the special ops?” She asks about the ever elusive job wondering if it’s some sort of classified agreement that keeps him from talking.
“No” he laughs “I was never in the army, but I could impersonate a solder if you want though”
“No perhaps you should talk about yourself.”
“you sure? I do a good solder all yes madam and no sirs.” He snaps to attention and solutes her with picture perfect precision.
Then talks about his latest date with a store clerk. She was nice he says but it would never work.
“Why not?”
“She believes in the goodness of human kind crazy huh?”
“You don’t believe in the goodness of human nature?”
“People are creative enough they become cruel” he answers finely, Brown eye bark unhappy.
*******
“Tell me about your job what you did” she says
“Well I started work installing carpets it’s a job kinda fun always liked construction.
“Your old job the one you quit”
“I organized things you know kinda like an office manager” but the lie doesn’t quite make it to his eye the voice is right but he’s lying or leaving something out.
******
“Why did you quit your old job?” she asks he looks lethargic, drawn unhappy today.
“I stopped having nightmares”
“What did you dream about?”
“The things I did you know people places”
He is staring at his hands clenched in his lap “I did things I should have regretted but I did--don’t regret them. I did horrible things you know. When you start out you have all of these lines that you never will cross until if maybe. Then until and if maybe become now” he shrugs his shoulders and meets her eyes. “It was fine you know when I still cared I woke up screaming about the things I did it was ok I still cared but then the day I quit I stopped having nightmares. At what point do you become worse than the things you were hunting?”
“What was your job?” but he wasn’t listening he just continued talking the words suddenly bubbling out.
“Instead I would never kill my best friend turns into until he tries to kill me then from there it’s OK I’ll kill to protect myself. Then if they’re evil then they need to die and suddenly you wake up and it been fifteen years later and a fucking assassin you have on speed dial is giving you a speech about personal morality. An assassin you have on speed dial and it” He’s shaking on the couch”a part of me stopped caring really doctor because I‘ve killed people tortured them sent innocents out to die betrayed people who loved me. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t be one of the bad guys. But I don’t think I can be normal either. I go on these dates with people and I keep waiting for them to have an alternate reason or you know try to kill me. Or someone to use them against me, because they did that before people were killed, because they knew me. I think I crossed some of those, I will never lines; you know the ones you can’t come back from.”
“What did you do?”
“I was member of the counsel they think I’m on sabbatical but I don’t think I can ever go back.”
Words: about 1600
Disclaimer All things BtVS belong to Joss Whedon, et al
“I can’t do this anymore”
“Do what?” Willow looked around the room for something anything that would have triggered Xander’s out-burst but everything was normal, in place.
“I just need a break Wills I feel like I missing… me maybe I don’t know “Xander walked out. Willow stared after him then waited for him to return he didn’t. The next day Willow told Buffy and Giles he went on vacation, Buffy guest that Willow was lying but didn’t say a word about it and went back to work. They got better as the years passed at lying to themselves if willow said there was nothing wrong with Xander then nothing was wrong with Xander. He was on vacation.
Suburbia was terrifying. Xander kept looking over his shoulder waiting just waiting for a monster to jump out? Attack? Talk? It was after he almost decked the mail carrier that he decided he needed counseling. He chooses one at random picking out of a phone book and made an appointment ‘the soonest possible please’. And waited because something has to change he has to change go back to who he was before the wars and darkness the first the manipulations of the powers that be. Yeah the shrink might think he was insane but people who had no problems didn’t end up here.
The day he left he had worked there for fifteen years. He walks into an office and made an appointment, with a shrink. Xander Harris walked into her office and made an appointment to talk. Just about stuff he said, adjusting to a normal everyday life. Then he smiled all boyish charm and dancing brown eye.
“I quit my Job” he told the shrink in their first session.
“Why did you quit your job?”
He smiled faintly “why does anyone quit? I didn’t want to do it anymore.”
“Did something happen?”
“No, not really, it was a normal day nobody died”
His shrink blinks once, a little puzzlement flicking across her carefully calm features. He needs this reaffirmation that living in a war zone is not normal it’s not something you get use to. Dead bodies aren’t normal.
“Did you lose many people?”
“It depends on your definition.” Definition of what he leaves blank people? Lose? Many? Yes to all and no because after all this time he knows how much worse the loss of friends and family could be.
He watches her again and she waits. She probably would think he’s making things up if he told her because the things he did aren’t recorded. No paper trails, most of the people how know what he did were dead some by his orders. Giles wasn’t the only one who sent out assassins. Fifteen years working with the watchers council and he left. Moved to a suburban neighborhood changed his name history face a little and try to be a normal person. Tried to stop jumping at sounds in the night, tried to stop reaching for weapons that weren’t there anymore, but he couldn’t stop looking over his shoulder. So here he was talking to someone years younger then him little more than an intern. Dancing around never talking about the nightmares and things he did. He doesn’t trust her not to lock him up if he tells the true whether or not she believes him.
He saw thing that made black ops agents turn white and run in fear. He killed for the first time when he was still a kid stabbed a stake into his best friend’s chest. He never talked to anyone about Jess. He had nightmares for years about plunging the stake in his chest and watching him disappear. Friends for ten years and he killed him. Yeah, Jess would have killed him but Harmony turned good and Spike sort of so maybe just maybe Jess would have changed. In his nightmare Jess changes and starts helping them and betrays them when they can’t win without him.
He use to dream about Anya leaving him hating him then later dying cut in half by a supper vampire. He imagined her death over and over. Sometimes he dreams she came back the help or hurt. To love him, that was the worst. He would wake up alone and she would be gone dead and gone.
For a few years his night mirrors consisted of Willow dark and terrible killing him and destroying the world. Ruling in cruel spender, His blood on her hands not able to talk her out of ending everything. Later he dreams of her being tortured and losing her support structure until she is all along again. Sometimes he dreams of kissing her and OZ watching then killing him in werewolf form.
Once in a while not often but sometimes when he sleeps with a new lover he dreams of Faith’s hands at his throat not often not even when he sleeps with her again years later just to feel something anything different. To remind himself he is still alive and because he doesn’t need to worry about waking her with a nightmare or explain the scars on his body. In spite of her trying to kill him she’s safe in ways only the Scoobes ever were.
For a while he dreams of the preacher working for the first pulling out his eye and telling him he sees too much. That brief moment of fear when he thought he was dead. Staying behind as bait to save the Slayers and maybe the world knowing he was going to die painfully, death by torture never pleasant. But she is still waiting for an answer watching him.
“I lost friends.” He finely answers
“It’s hard to lose someone close to you” the shrink said
“yeah it is”
And then he talked about his neighbor’s cat for the rest of the appointment.
******
When he first came in to the appointments she thought he didn’t really need any therapy. But then he looked at her and something in his stance changed and she thought solder coming back from one of the wars. Every season he mentions his job. He quit it but never says why, Brow eye becoming more serious, and then avoiding the topic. She starts guessing at his reticence she’s a therapies here now is the time and place to open up and talk. So she pushes.
”Were you in the special ops?” She asks about the ever elusive job wondering if it’s some sort of classified agreement that keeps him from talking.
“No” he laughs “I was never in the army, but I could impersonate a solder if you want though”
“No perhaps you should talk about yourself.”
“you sure? I do a good solder all yes madam and no sirs.” He snaps to attention and solutes her with picture perfect precision.
Then talks about his latest date with a store clerk. She was nice he says but it would never work.
“Why not?”
“She believes in the goodness of human kind crazy huh?”
“You don’t believe in the goodness of human nature?”
“People are creative enough they become cruel” he answers finely, Brown eye bark unhappy.
*******
“Tell me about your job what you did” she says
“Well I started work installing carpets it’s a job kinda fun always liked construction.
“Your old job the one you quit”
“I organized things you know kinda like an office manager” but the lie doesn’t quite make it to his eye the voice is right but he’s lying or leaving something out.
******
“Why did you quit your old job?” she asks he looks lethargic, drawn unhappy today.
“I stopped having nightmares”
“What did you dream about?”
“The things I did you know people places”
He is staring at his hands clenched in his lap “I did things I should have regretted but I did--don’t regret them. I did horrible things you know. When you start out you have all of these lines that you never will cross until if maybe. Then until and if maybe become now” he shrugs his shoulders and meets her eyes. “It was fine you know when I still cared I woke up screaming about the things I did it was ok I still cared but then the day I quit I stopped having nightmares. At what point do you become worse than the things you were hunting?”
“What was your job?” but he wasn’t listening he just continued talking the words suddenly bubbling out.
“Instead I would never kill my best friend turns into until he tries to kill me then from there it’s OK I’ll kill to protect myself. Then if they’re evil then they need to die and suddenly you wake up and it been fifteen years later and a fucking assassin you have on speed dial is giving you a speech about personal morality. An assassin you have on speed dial and it” He’s shaking on the couch”a part of me stopped caring really doctor because I‘ve killed people tortured them sent innocents out to die betrayed people who loved me. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t be one of the bad guys. But I don’t think I can be normal either. I go on these dates with people and I keep waiting for them to have an alternate reason or you know try to kill me. Or someone to use them against me, because they did that before people were killed, because they knew me. I think I crossed some of those, I will never lines; you know the ones you can’t come back from.”
“What did you do?”
“I was member of the counsel they think I’m on sabbatical but I don’t think I can ever go back.”