(no subject)
I don't know what to do with myself. I want to crawl up and hide for a long time. I don't want to deal with this. My boyfriend died. I don't even know if he WAS my boyfriend. I never got to ask. I never got the nerve up. We were dating exclusively. I had chosen him. We had talked Thursday night, instead of having sex... we talked. We talked about relationships, his marriage, things we like and don't. I told him how happy I was with him, and that I thought I had made a really good decision. See, I decided that I should give it a try with him because I didn't know if I'd have the chance to in the future. I chose him over another. I had barely 3 weeks with him. If even that long. Not even that long. I've known him for a year or so. He worked for me. I helped hire him. I always thought he was cute, and he was always a lot of fun to talk to. I chose him because I didn't know if I'd have the chance to later on in the future.
I have his cat..
I don't know what to do. We were talking about what our costumes were going to be for Halloween. We were talking about him taking me home to Knoxville and hanging out.... about meeting Mimi, his grandmother. About Christmas and gifts and when he would go to part time in January, so I'd get to see him more.
I have a his keys..
I had to tell his sister over the phone. The police officer wouldn't do it. She made me call. I had to tell her her brother was dead.
I don't want to deal with this. I don't want to remember walking in and seeing his body. I ... don't want to remember or think about it. I don't want worry about it. I don't want to deal with it... I don't want to be here.
I want to take my mind and throw it away. I want to listen to the song he played for me over and over again. I want to lay in his arms once more... talking about tattoos and music... and call him Old Man. I want to hear him sing again.
I don't want to dwell... but I don't know how well I can handle this. I don't know how strong I can be. I don't know how well my mental state will be throughout all of this. I'm thankful for all my friends, yes. I'm thankful for my family, my life. But it doesn't get his back. It doesn't help his family. I wanted something with him. Now I can't. My mom was... 21? 22? when my father died. Seriously, I think whatever Power-that-be is out there.... hates me. Hates my family. Please, spare me the religious bullshit, too. I don't need it. I don't want it. It's useless to me.
I'm just a very upset girl right now with a hole in me I've never experienced... something that no one can help me fill. Time heals all wounds, true... but this is time I don't want to deal with. I don't want to go through this shit. I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'll just break down and not give a care about anything. I've always been very apathetic anyway.
How can I finish school? How can I deal with this?
I liked him so much. He brought me flowers.. they're still fresh and yellow on my window sill.
I saw him.. laying in his bed. I couldn't take a step into the bedroom. His arms were purple. I don't know what happened to him. We were on the phone.. mid-sentence, he stopped talking. What happened? Why? What's the point in this happening? Why? Why me? Such a great sense of humor. Sweet, cute, caring. He was worried about me because I had to go to the doctor.. he was talking about getting his dog back from his ex-wife..
I feel so dizzy.
hollow.
overwhelmed.
Rest in Peace
Jeremy Michael Norman
August 3, 1977-September 30, 2005
I miss you already. I want you here with me. I want this nightmare to end. You were beautiful and wonderful and so talented. You'd been through so much to have gone like this.
I have his cat..
I don't know what to do. We were talking about what our costumes were going to be for Halloween. We were talking about him taking me home to Knoxville and hanging out.... about meeting Mimi, his grandmother. About Christmas and gifts and when he would go to part time in January, so I'd get to see him more.
I have a his keys..
I had to tell his sister over the phone. The police officer wouldn't do it. She made me call. I had to tell her her brother was dead.
I don't want to deal with this. I don't want to remember walking in and seeing his body. I ... don't want to remember or think about it. I don't want worry about it. I don't want to deal with it... I don't want to be here.
I want to take my mind and throw it away. I want to listen to the song he played for me over and over again. I want to lay in his arms once more... talking about tattoos and music... and call him Old Man. I want to hear him sing again.
I don't want to dwell... but I don't know how well I can handle this. I don't know how strong I can be. I don't know how well my mental state will be throughout all of this. I'm thankful for all my friends, yes. I'm thankful for my family, my life. But it doesn't get his back. It doesn't help his family. I wanted something with him. Now I can't. My mom was... 21? 22? when my father died. Seriously, I think whatever Power-that-be is out there.... hates me. Hates my family. Please, spare me the religious bullshit, too. I don't need it. I don't want it. It's useless to me.
I'm just a very upset girl right now with a hole in me I've never experienced... something that no one can help me fill. Time heals all wounds, true... but this is time I don't want to deal with. I don't want to go through this shit. I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'll just break down and not give a care about anything. I've always been very apathetic anyway.
How can I finish school? How can I deal with this?
I liked him so much. He brought me flowers.. they're still fresh and yellow on my window sill.
I saw him.. laying in his bed. I couldn't take a step into the bedroom. His arms were purple. I don't know what happened to him. We were on the phone.. mid-sentence, he stopped talking. What happened? Why? What's the point in this happening? Why? Why me? Such a great sense of humor. Sweet, cute, caring. He was worried about me because I had to go to the doctor.. he was talking about getting his dog back from his ex-wife..
I feel so dizzy.
hollow.
overwhelmed.
Rest in Peace
Jeremy Michael Norman
August 3, 1977-September 30, 2005
I miss you already. I want you here with me. I want this nightmare to end. You were beautiful and wonderful and so talented. You'd been through so much to have gone like this.