I'm going to be an aunt again

[sarcastress]

I just got a picture text from my youngest sister, showing two positive pregnancy tests. I'm happy for her, but already I'm anticipating some emotional fallout.

Here's where I make admissions and you find out just how selfish and horrid I am. Just so ya know what's coming.

Comments

[a2zmom]

I think it's always hard when an option is taken away from us, even if we might never have exercised it. I don't think it's being selfish. It doesn't mean you aren't happy for your sister, but it does bring to the forefront your own loss (and it is a loss).

I remember when Benjamin died my sister's oldest wasn't quite two. It was incredibly hard being around her.

[sarcastress]

Thanks for saying that. Ever since I can remember, I've known I wanted to be a mom. In all other respects, I've always been flaky. I changed majors four times in college, moved time and time again, changed jobs constantly, and could never stick to a hobby. The one constant in my life was knowing that I was meant to be a mother. It's taken 10 years to convince myself otherwuse--or at the very least, that it's not a big deal. For the most part, I'm fine. There are just some occasions when it's really brought home that I will never have kids, and it's rough for a while.

I can't even imagine what it would be like to lose a child, though. Whenever I read your posts about Benjamin, I'm so impressed by your strength and your attitude.

[parcae_lj]

Have you considered adoption?

Also, as regards selfishness - that's ridiculous. Selfishness isn't thinking selfish thoughts, it's doing selfish things. Refusing to help your sister if she needed it would have been selfish. Disengaging yourself from an emotionally fraught situation is simple common sense. Such is the edict of Random Internet Stranger #4056887545890.

[sarcastress]

I did seriously consider adoption back when I was married, but now I just don't think it would be right. My parents would come unhinged if I adopted a baby with Steve without being married to him.

Anyway, thank you so much for your comment. I know self preservation isn't necessarily the same as selfishness, but I still feel like a bad person for it sometimes.

[sarcastress]

I do, and thank you. :)

And awesome icon, too. Yay!

[siapom]

*hugs you*

There are many things in life that I do not know. Only one of those many unknowns is what it is to feel a need or want for my own child. I only mention that to emphasize that I am certainly not the one to give advice for how to feel or act in your situation. However, of those things in life that I do know, I KNOW that you are not a selfish or horrid person. You care. Deeply. That is evidenced by your own actions, both past and present.

*hugs you again*

[sarcastress]

Thank you, that's so nice of you to say. I don't know where all the guilt comes from, but I just feel like I'm a jerk for being anything but happy for my sister. Which I am--don't get me wrong. It's just kinda crappy for me. But it'll pass. :)

[siapom]

Don't beat yourself up for being human and feeling loss. The fact that you feel happy for your sister despite that loss shows that your heart, whether fully healed or not, is in the right place. *hugs you again for good measure*

[sarcastress]

Thank you. I appreciate you saying that. :)