I'm going to be an aunt again
I just got a picture text from my youngest sister, showing two positive pregnancy tests. I'm happy for her, but already I'm anticipating some emotional fallout.
Here's where I make admissions and you find out just how selfish and horrid I am. Just so ya know what's coming.
So, very few people in my life know this, but I can't have kids. I've known it since my ex-husband and I started trying for a family 11 years ago, and I just choose not to tell too many people because I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be the pathetic barren one, you know? It's difficult for me, but I don't want everyone to know it. Typically I just joke around about how much trouble kids are, how they get up too early for me and never contribute to the family income, etc. If people ask when I'm going to have kids, I just say, "Oh, I already have Steve (my boyfriend). I don't need someone else to take care of." It mostly works for me. Even my friends who know about my infertility don't know how I really feel about it, and I'm pretty much fine with that because I don't like talking about my feelings too much. Except here--I mean, what's a journal for, anyway, if you can't get all whiny once in a while?
I really want to be nothing but happy for her, but all I can think right now is how glad I am that she lives 1200 miles away so I don't have to be there for the pregnancy and everything. How shitty is that, huh? It gets worse. When my other sister got pregnant with her first child, I moved away. I knew I couldn't handle being there. I'd just gotten divorced, and all I was hearing from people was, "Thank God you didn't have kids together." Of course people were just trying to be helpful. Nobody knows what to say in these situations, and they had no way of knowing how that would make me feel. But I knew there was no way I could watch my sister have the baby and the life I could never have. Selfish as it was, I removed myself.
As terrible as it sounds, I know I made the right decision--and living where I am now has been a great experience. I truly believe this is where I'm supposed to be, for many, many reasons. I love Oregon. And I love my family, but this is going to be hard. I wonder if it ever gets easier. I honestly thought I was getting over it, but apparently that is not the case. I tell myself it's for the best: Steve and I aren't married and never will be (my first marriage took that need right out of me), we can't afford to have kids, I'm already getting too old for that, etc. Logically, it makes sense to just get over it. But I guess logic doesn't always win.
Anyway, that's my big confession of the year. I think it's good I got it in early. Now I can concentrate on other things, like painting my bedroom or getting back into my gym routine. :)
Here's where I make admissions and you find out just how selfish and horrid I am. Just so ya know what's coming.
So, very few people in my life know this, but I can't have kids. I've known it since my ex-husband and I started trying for a family 11 years ago, and I just choose not to tell too many people because I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be the pathetic barren one, you know? It's difficult for me, but I don't want everyone to know it. Typically I just joke around about how much trouble kids are, how they get up too early for me and never contribute to the family income, etc. If people ask when I'm going to have kids, I just say, "Oh, I already have Steve (my boyfriend). I don't need someone else to take care of." It mostly works for me. Even my friends who know about my infertility don't know how I really feel about it, and I'm pretty much fine with that because I don't like talking about my feelings too much. Except here--I mean, what's a journal for, anyway, if you can't get all whiny once in a while?
I really want to be nothing but happy for her, but all I can think right now is how glad I am that she lives 1200 miles away so I don't have to be there for the pregnancy and everything. How shitty is that, huh? It gets worse. When my other sister got pregnant with her first child, I moved away. I knew I couldn't handle being there. I'd just gotten divorced, and all I was hearing from people was, "Thank God you didn't have kids together." Of course people were just trying to be helpful. Nobody knows what to say in these situations, and they had no way of knowing how that would make me feel. But I knew there was no way I could watch my sister have the baby and the life I could never have. Selfish as it was, I removed myself.
As terrible as it sounds, I know I made the right decision--and living where I am now has been a great experience. I truly believe this is where I'm supposed to be, for many, many reasons. I love Oregon. And I love my family, but this is going to be hard. I wonder if it ever gets easier. I honestly thought I was getting over it, but apparently that is not the case. I tell myself it's for the best: Steve and I aren't married and never will be (my first marriage took that need right out of me), we can't afford to have kids, I'm already getting too old for that, etc. Logically, it makes sense to just get over it. But I guess logic doesn't always win.
Anyway, that's my big confession of the year. I think it's good I got it in early. Now I can concentrate on other things, like painting my bedroom or getting back into my gym routine. :)