A well-deserved self-mock, volume fourteen.
My failure at regularly posting this is just routine now.
A Holiday Birthday
By: Sara Coburn and Terra [redacted]
Chapter 1: The Plans
(I don’t own……)
It was December 20th,
I don’t think this timeline makes any damn sense.
and Greg’s birthday was on the 25th.
His birthday is actually October 3rd. Shhhh! We’re seeing if he notices.
Sara had called everyone to her trailer.
That might be a bit crowded.
“OK everyone, you’re all probably wondering why I asked you to come here.”
“Actually, no, Sara. Since Greg is the only one not here, and his birthday is coming up, I’m guessing you want to throw him a surprise party. You are way too predictable.” Laura stated. Ryan laughed at this.
Someone’s desperate to get some.
“Thanks, Laura, but I told you why we were here already, that’s why you know.” Sara said smugly.
“Darn, you, Sara, I was hoping you wouldn’t remember that.” She replied.
Because something large and blunt had just fallen on my head? No, seriously, I’m asking-it’s a viable course of events.
“Not quite. Well, anyway, that’s why you guys are here, as Laura was kind enough to tell you. Do you guys want to help?” Sara asked.
“Of course we do!” Colin and Ryan exclaimed. “We could make it so funny!” they added.
Aww, see what sharing a brain can do for you?
“OK cool! Why don’t we start planning!” Sara exclaimed.
Okay, people, you are seriously maxing out your allotment of exclamation points already, and we’re not even to chapter two yet.
At that moment Greg walked in.
“Hey, what’s going on?” he asked Sara before kissing her on the cheek.
“Nothing.” She replied casually, “Nothing at all.”
Convincing.
“Sara, why do I get the feeling you know something I don’t?”
“Because you are a man and I’m a women, women just naturally know more.” Sara replied playfully.
I’m multiple women, it’s true. Makes for awesome party tricks.
Everyone had left already.
That was a surprisingly speedy and inconspicuous mass exodus.
“Have you gotten any fines today for impersonating a comedian?” Greg teased.
2921.51 Impersonation of comedian
(A) No person shall impersonate a comedian, entertainer, or otherwise talented person.
(B) No person, by impersonating a comedian, entertainer, or otherwise talented person, shall make any claims toward wit, sarcasm, and/or humor.
(C) No person, with purpose to commit or facilitate egregious offense against those with senses of humor everywhere, shall impersonate a comedian, entertainer, or otherwise talented person.
(D) Whoever violates division (A) (B) or (C) of this section is guilty of bad taste in the second degree, to serve a mandatory minimum sentence of one (1) year having to read everything newly published at FanFiction.Net.
“Nope, you?” Sara retorted.
That wasn’t really a retort as much as it was a return to second grade. “No you!”
“Ha, Ha, very funny.” Greg said playfully.
I’m sorry I have to kill you, Greg.
“Thanks. I’ll take that as a compliment.
Hey, something large and blunt did fall on my head!
Anyway, how was your day?”
“Stressful.”
“Really?” she asked. She started to rub his shoulders.
“Ahhhh, that feels good.” He started. “Well I was the guest on the taping today, and in the action replay, I lifted Wayne,
Hey, Wayne got a mention! Hi, Wayne!
and I think I pulled a muscle.”
“Are you OK?” she asked.
“I’ll live.” He said.
“Well you better, I mean you wouldn’t want to die right before Christmas.”
“And….”
Holy crap! Actual ellipse!
“And……….what?”
You know, the number of periods does not lengthen the pause. I swear.
“And my birthday.”
Oh, looks like something large and blunt fell on Greg’s head too.
“Your birthday is coming up?”
“Yeah, don’t act like you didn’t know.”
“I don’t have to act.”
“Very funny.”
Seriously, Greg, at this point, you’re going to die, like, fifteen times by my hand.
“I wasn’t trying to be funny, OK maybe I was.” She giggled and then kissed him on the cheek.
*hits head with blunt object* No, I still don’t find that funny.
Chapter 2: Keeping the surprise
The next morning when Terra and Austin woke up, they started talking about the surprise party Sara was planning. “I think it’s sweet.” Terra stated.
“You, think everything’s sweet.” Austin joked, before kissing her.
Whoa. That is actually true. And someone pointed it out! I guess even a broken clock is right twice a day.
“I know!” Terra laughed. She gave him a hug. “Well, it is sweet, I wonder how she’s going to plan it.”
“Probably, as discrete as possible.” Austin replied.
Indeed. As separate as possible. That’s how I plan all my parties. It’s much more fun when you’re just in a room by yourself.
Meanwhile………….
Greg and Sara were talking in their trailer.
“So what was everyone doing here yesterday?” Greg asked.
“What are you talking about?” Sara inquired.
So my plan is to convince Greg he’s crazy. Clever.
“You know what I mean,” he said, wrapping his arms around her waist.
“No, I don’t.”
“Sara, say it or I’ll kiss you.”
Do you have halitosis, or something? What kind of threat is that?
“I’ll take the kiss.” She said playfully. He kissed her, and Sara was so incredibly happy to be warm and safe in his arms.
That much cheese has to be bad for you.
When they headed to the set, they ran into Julie. Why is she here? Greg thought. He didn’t know that Julie was helping Sara with the decorations.
Thank you for that helpful hint, story.
“Hey, why are you here?” He asked her.
Greg’s so personable. He makes everyone feel welcome.
“Oh, I am help-” she started.
“She’s just visiting me.” Sara interrupted. Julie caught on.
Very smooth. That gave nothing away.
“Oh yeah, I’m just visiting Sara!”she added hastily, before hurrying off. Phew! That was close! Sara thought.
Like I actually thought the word “phew.”
“That was strange.” Greg commented.
“Yeah, that’s Julie you’re talking about.” Sara replied.
“I guess so.” He muttered.
Greg is a dumbass.
Chapter 3: Setting it up
It was the night before, and Sara was anxious to get everything read. She snuck out of bed during the middle of the night
Sure, that’s one option. Setting things up the day-of would’ve been the other, saner one.
and went to the room, they were having the party.
...and again the magical studio doubles as, what, an event hall? Well, everyone did get married there.
Terra, Austin, Laura, Julie, and Ryan were already there. They started setting up, and pretty soon Colin, Deb, Wayne,
Hey, Wayne again! Hi, Wayne!
and Kathy showed up. Before they knew it, they were done.
Seriously, you have like thirty-seven people helping. You didn’t have to do this in the middle of the night.
The next morning, when Sara and Greg woke up, Sara was tired from being up half the night.
“What’s wrong?” Greg asked.
“Nothing.” She yawned.
Pfffft! I’m no amateur. Staying up half the night is what I do.
“If you say so.” He answered. The day went relatively fast, and at 4:30, they were ready to put their plan into action.
Greg was walking to the coffee room, like he did everyday at 4:30,
Wait. We “work” on Christmas? I mean, we never really do anything, so I guess it’s okay, but...
when someone grabbed him. “Hey! Let go!” He yelled. He was thrown into a dark room.
Why is it that my response to every problem is just to grab someone and throw them in a dark room?
“Help! Let me out!” he screamed. No one answered. He was beginning to freak out. “I hate dark places.” He said aloud.
Oh, great, and now we’re giving Greg a heart attack.
Just then the door flew open, and the lights flicked on.
I see that this is one of those special rooms where the light-switch is outside the room.
Chapter 4: An unexpected twist
Now I’m intrigued.
“Surprise!” he heard, Sara and all the rest of his friends yell.
“You set me up?” He asked incredulously.
No, seriously. Greg is a huge dumbass.
“Duh!” Sara exclaimed. “You’ve got to admit, we had you for awhile.”
If you mean “had him” in the sense of “had him screaming in a locked room about to have a heart attack”, then yes, you really “had him”.
“Yeah, OK, you got me.” He laughed, “But just wait until your birthday.” He muttered under his breath.
Dude, that’s in three days, according to this timeline. You’d better get cracking!
They were all talking, laughing, and partying. Everyone was having a great time. Suddenly, the lights went out.
Oh, of course they did.
“Very funny, Sara.” Greg laughed.
“I didn’t do that.” She replied, dead serious.
Dead serious. Much worse than alive serious.
All of a sudden, a shot rang out.
“What was that?” Terra asked.
“It sounded like a shot!” Laura exclaimed.
Thank you for that redundant clarification redundancy, thank you.
The lights turned back on.
Terra screamed, “Look, over there!” Everyone rushed over to a motionless figure, that was laying on the floor. When they got there, they saw Deb, laying there with a bullet through her head.
Wait. Someone was shot in the room, and no one noticed anything just because the lights were out?
“Oh my god!” Sara yelled. “One of us is a murderer!” She looked around suspiciously, ”But the question is, who?”
Fic Police: Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I changed genres without signaling. I know. It won't happen again, officer.
Fic Police: See that it doesn't. I'll let you off with a warning this time.
Me: Thank you!
THE END!
Oh, but no.
Oh man, the next two. Sixteen especially is a whole bunch of "LMAO WHAT."
A Holiday Birthday
By: Sara Coburn and Terra [redacted]
Chapter 1: The Plans
(I don’t own……)
It was December 20th,
I don’t think this timeline makes any damn sense.
and Greg’s birthday was on the 25th.
His birthday is actually October 3rd. Shhhh! We’re seeing if he notices.
Sara had called everyone to her trailer.
That might be a bit crowded.
“OK everyone, you’re all probably wondering why I asked you to come here.”
“Actually, no, Sara. Since Greg is the only one not here, and his birthday is coming up, I’m guessing you want to throw him a surprise party. You are way too predictable.” Laura stated. Ryan laughed at this.
Someone’s desperate to get some.
“Thanks, Laura, but I told you why we were here already, that’s why you know.” Sara said smugly.
“Darn, you, Sara, I was hoping you wouldn’t remember that.” She replied.
Because something large and blunt had just fallen on my head? No, seriously, I’m asking-it’s a viable course of events.
“Not quite. Well, anyway, that’s why you guys are here, as Laura was kind enough to tell you. Do you guys want to help?” Sara asked.
“Of course we do!” Colin and Ryan exclaimed. “We could make it so funny!” they added.
Aww, see what sharing a brain can do for you?
“OK cool! Why don’t we start planning!” Sara exclaimed.
Okay, people, you are seriously maxing out your allotment of exclamation points already, and we’re not even to chapter two yet.
At that moment Greg walked in.
“Hey, what’s going on?” he asked Sara before kissing her on the cheek.
“Nothing.” She replied casually, “Nothing at all.”
Convincing.
“Sara, why do I get the feeling you know something I don’t?”
“Because you are a man and I’m a women, women just naturally know more.” Sara replied playfully.
I’m multiple women, it’s true. Makes for awesome party tricks.
Everyone had left already.
That was a surprisingly speedy and inconspicuous mass exodus.
“Have you gotten any fines today for impersonating a comedian?” Greg teased.
2921.51 Impersonation of comedian
(A) No person shall impersonate a comedian, entertainer, or otherwise talented person.
(B) No person, by impersonating a comedian, entertainer, or otherwise talented person, shall make any claims toward wit, sarcasm, and/or humor.
(C) No person, with purpose to commit or facilitate egregious offense against those with senses of humor everywhere, shall impersonate a comedian, entertainer, or otherwise talented person.
(D) Whoever violates division (A) (B) or (C) of this section is guilty of bad taste in the second degree, to serve a mandatory minimum sentence of one (1) year having to read everything newly published at FanFiction.Net.
“Nope, you?” Sara retorted.
That wasn’t really a retort as much as it was a return to second grade. “No you!”
“Ha, Ha, very funny.” Greg said playfully.
I’m sorry I have to kill you, Greg.
“Thanks. I’ll take that as a compliment.
Hey, something large and blunt did fall on my head!
Anyway, how was your day?”
“Stressful.”
“Really?” she asked. She started to rub his shoulders.
“Ahhhh, that feels good.” He started. “Well I was the guest on the taping today, and in the action replay, I lifted Wayne,
Hey, Wayne got a mention! Hi, Wayne!
and I think I pulled a muscle.”
“Are you OK?” she asked.
“I’ll live.” He said.
“Well you better, I mean you wouldn’t want to die right before Christmas.”
“And….”
Holy crap! Actual ellipse!
“And……….what?”
You know, the number of periods does not lengthen the pause. I swear.
“And my birthday.”
Oh, looks like something large and blunt fell on Greg’s head too.
“Your birthday is coming up?”
“Yeah, don’t act like you didn’t know.”
“I don’t have to act.”
“Very funny.”
Seriously, Greg, at this point, you’re going to die, like, fifteen times by my hand.
“I wasn’t trying to be funny, OK maybe I was.” She giggled and then kissed him on the cheek.
*hits head with blunt object* No, I still don’t find that funny.
Chapter 2: Keeping the surprise
The next morning when Terra and Austin woke up, they started talking about the surprise party Sara was planning. “I think it’s sweet.” Terra stated.
“You, think everything’s sweet.” Austin joked, before kissing her.
Whoa. That is actually true. And someone pointed it out! I guess even a broken clock is right twice a day.
“I know!” Terra laughed. She gave him a hug. “Well, it is sweet, I wonder how she’s going to plan it.”
“Probably, as discrete as possible.” Austin replied.
Indeed. As separate as possible. That’s how I plan all my parties. It’s much more fun when you’re just in a room by yourself.
Meanwhile………….
Greg and Sara were talking in their trailer.
“So what was everyone doing here yesterday?” Greg asked.
“What are you talking about?” Sara inquired.
So my plan is to convince Greg he’s crazy. Clever.
“You know what I mean,” he said, wrapping his arms around her waist.
“No, I don’t.”
“Sara, say it or I’ll kiss you.”
Do you have halitosis, or something? What kind of threat is that?
“I’ll take the kiss.” She said playfully. He kissed her, and Sara was so incredibly happy to be warm and safe in his arms.
That much cheese has to be bad for you.
When they headed to the set, they ran into Julie. Why is she here? Greg thought. He didn’t know that Julie was helping Sara with the decorations.
Thank you for that helpful hint, story.
“Hey, why are you here?” He asked her.
Greg’s so personable. He makes everyone feel welcome.
“Oh, I am help-” she started.
“She’s just visiting me.” Sara interrupted. Julie caught on.
Very smooth. That gave nothing away.
“Oh yeah, I’m just visiting Sara!”she added hastily, before hurrying off. Phew! That was close! Sara thought.
Like I actually thought the word “phew.”
“That was strange.” Greg commented.
“Yeah, that’s Julie you’re talking about.” Sara replied.
“I guess so.” He muttered.
Greg is a dumbass.
Chapter 3: Setting it up
It was the night before, and Sara was anxious to get everything read. She snuck out of bed during the middle of the night
Sure, that’s one option. Setting things up the day-of would’ve been the other, saner one.
and went to the room, they were having the party.
...and again the magical studio doubles as, what, an event hall? Well, everyone did get married there.
Terra, Austin, Laura, Julie, and Ryan were already there. They started setting up, and pretty soon Colin, Deb, Wayne,
Hey, Wayne again! Hi, Wayne!
and Kathy showed up. Before they knew it, they were done.
Seriously, you have like thirty-seven people helping. You didn’t have to do this in the middle of the night.
The next morning, when Sara and Greg woke up, Sara was tired from being up half the night.
“What’s wrong?” Greg asked.
“Nothing.” She yawned.
Pfffft! I’m no amateur. Staying up half the night is what I do.
“If you say so.” He answered. The day went relatively fast, and at 4:30, they were ready to put their plan into action.
Greg was walking to the coffee room, like he did everyday at 4:30,
Wait. We “work” on Christmas? I mean, we never really do anything, so I guess it’s okay, but...
when someone grabbed him. “Hey! Let go!” He yelled. He was thrown into a dark room.
Why is it that my response to every problem is just to grab someone and throw them in a dark room?
“Help! Let me out!” he screamed. No one answered. He was beginning to freak out. “I hate dark places.” He said aloud.
Oh, great, and now we’re giving Greg a heart attack.
Just then the door flew open, and the lights flicked on.
I see that this is one of those special rooms where the light-switch is outside the room.
Chapter 4: An unexpected twist
Now I’m intrigued.
“Surprise!” he heard, Sara and all the rest of his friends yell.
“You set me up?” He asked incredulously.
No, seriously. Greg is a huge dumbass.
“Duh!” Sara exclaimed. “You’ve got to admit, we had you for awhile.”
If you mean “had him” in the sense of “had him screaming in a locked room about to have a heart attack”, then yes, you really “had him”.
“Yeah, OK, you got me.” He laughed, “But just wait until your birthday.” He muttered under his breath.
Dude, that’s in three days, according to this timeline. You’d better get cracking!
They were all talking, laughing, and partying. Everyone was having a great time. Suddenly, the lights went out.
Oh, of course they did.
“Very funny, Sara.” Greg laughed.
“I didn’t do that.” She replied, dead serious.
Dead serious. Much worse than alive serious.
All of a sudden, a shot rang out.
“What was that?” Terra asked.
“It sounded like a shot!” Laura exclaimed.
Thank you for that redundant clarification redundancy, thank you.
The lights turned back on.
Terra screamed, “Look, over there!” Everyone rushed over to a motionless figure, that was laying on the floor. When they got there, they saw Deb, laying there with a bullet through her head.
Wait. Someone was shot in the room, and no one noticed anything just because the lights were out?
“Oh my god!” Sara yelled. “One of us is a murderer!” She looked around suspiciously, ”But the question is, who?”
Fic Police: Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I changed genres without signaling. I know. It won't happen again, officer.
Fic Police: See that it doesn't. I'll let you off with a warning this time.
Me: Thank you!
THE END!
Oh, but no.
Oh man, the next two. Sixteen especially is a whole bunch of "LMAO WHAT."