A well-deserved self-mock, volume eleven.
At least I was only a day late this time. Here's part eleven.
A Spirit
Oooooh.
By: Sara Coburn
Chapter 1: The investigation
(You know the drill!)
Ten-hut!
“We should call the police!” Terra exclaimed.
Silly Terra. Earth logic is for kids.
“Good idea!” Ryan replied, “I’ll go do that now.” When the cops arrived they investigated the scene for two hours.
...two hours.
They finally came up with the conclusion that it was a suicide.
Note to younger self: Police investigations: You’re doing it wrong!
“It took them that long, to figure that out?” Greg asked incredulously.
Considering it would, in reality, take them considerably longer to investigate, perform an autopsy, and get all the findings back, two hours is quite speedy, Greg.
“No, it wasn’t a suicide.” Greg said sarcastically. “It was an accident. Yep, he accidentally wrote that note, then accidentally stabbed himself, and accidentally let himself bleed to death.” He finished.
There, there, Greg. *pats*
“OK Greg I think we get the picture.” Sara said calmly. She knew Greg tended to get uptight over these things,
Only Greg, though. Everyone else treated suicides very casually.
ever since he had saved her life.
Oh, and it’s only recent, his getting upset over suicides. It's not subject most people find upsetting, after all.
Greg held Sara in his arms. Greg was thinking, I’m so glad I didn’t do that to myself when Brad and Sara were about to get married, he thought. Otherwise I wouldn’t be standing her, holding her he thought, while looking at Sara, he was smiling.
That’s a really creepy thing to be smiling about.
Sara saw the smile on Greg’s face, so she asked,
(as fic!Sara) “Suicides perk you right up too, huh?”
“A penny for your thoughts?”
(as Greg) “Hey! I like to think my thoughts are worth more than a penny!”
“Oh I was just thinking about when you and Brad were about to get married. I seriously thought about killing myself, but now I’m glad I didn’t.” he answered.
Um.
“I’m glad too.” She stated before kissing him. While they were talking, Terra was trying to keep from crying.
Cheer up, Terra! It’s only a dead guy!
She still thought it was her fault. Austin tried talking to her, but she wasn’t listening. Sara walked over to Terra and sat down next to him.
Whoa, incorrect pronoun alert!
“Hey,” she said softly, “You going to be all right?”
“Yeah, I think I will, I just can’t believe he killed himself, over me!”
“It’s not OK, Terra, but It’s also not your fault, so stop blaming yourself.”
Emotions totally work that way, amirite?
“I know,” she replied.
“I think someone wants to talk to you, he seems very worried.” Sara said while pointing to Austin. Terra nodded.
Where the hell did Austin wander to that I needed to point to him?
“Right, thanks Sara.” After she gave her friend a hug, she went over to Austin.
Chapter 2: The funeral
After about a week, everyone was called together to say goodbye to Shawn, for the last time.
About a week. The story doesn’t know for sure.
At the funeral, Sara asked to speak.
“Everyone, I would like to say something.” She started. “I only met Shawn once, he seemed like a very cool person though.
Totally rockin’ dude, that Shawn.
He was funny, and I could see why Terra had dated him in high school. It is most unfortunate
Apparently, now I’m Jeeves.
that he had to end his life so early, because I’m sure he would have been very successful. I also know, that Terra will be thinking this as her fault for quite some time. Please do not treat this as a joke, because it’s not.
(as fic!Sara) “And I demand to know who hired that clown!”
This is just another reminder of what bottling up your feelings can lead to. We need to help prevent this in anyway possible. I hope his soul may rest in peace. God Bless.”
God BlessTM: Guaranteed miracle or your money back!
When she was done everyone clapped, and Terra mouthed a “Thank-you.” In Sara’s direction. Greg then asked to speak, a few people were startled at this.
Greg had recently dedicated his life to becoming a mime, you see.
“Hi everyone. I guess a few of you are startled to see me up here being serious, because I very seldom am.
Dude, I think most people expect even funny people to be serious at funerals. It’s not a constant, never-ending state.
But this particular situation relates to me. A couple months ago, when Sara and Brad were planning on getting married,
Has it been a couple months already? My, how time flies when you’re in Bizarro Land.
I was heartbroken. I had seriously thought about killing myself.
Oh, of course you did.
And after Sara told me she didn’t love me I was ready to do it.
I wonder if he would’ve killed himself in my trailer.
But she was my friend and listened to me and eventually fell in love with me. Now I’m not saying this would have happened, but something could have happened for Shawn. I am so sorry, that this has happened. I can’t wish more that history had been different, but it wasn’t, and no one can do anything about that now. It’s too late.
Thank you for that uplifting sentiment.
We need to stop these types of things before they happen, and get rid of all the ‘too lates’ of the world. Thank-you.”
Did that sound like the ending of a self-help seminar to anyone else?
After he was finished everyone applauded. Terra was next.
“Hi, well I guess I feel really sad right now,
She’s not sure, though.
and Sara was right I do kind of feel like this whole thing was my fault. I know it isn’t, and that I shouldn’t think that, but I wish he would have came and talked to me about it. It would have been so much better, and he would probably still be alive. If I got one more chance to talk to him,
Remember that last part. You’ll see why later.
I would tell him, that he could have talked to be and I would have been here for him. I will always be his friend. I hope he can hear this.” At that she broke into tears.
There, there, Terra. *pats*
Chapter 3: Shawn Returns
Oh, god, I hope there are zombies.
After the funeral, Terra headed back to her trailer.
...you mean the trailer where Shawn killed himself only a week ago? Eugh.
It was night and she was very tired.
That must’ve been some long funeral.
She was about to close her eyes, when she heard a faint whispering. “Hmmm, it must be the wind.” Terra said out loud. But then she heard a distinct voice.
“Hey Terra, it’s me Shawn.” The voice whispered.
Oh, man, Terra’s hearing voices!
“B-But Shawn how can you be talking to me, you are supposed to be dead.”
Just because he’s dead doesn’t mean he has to take it lying down.
“I’m in spirit form, or otherwise I’m a ghost.”
Oh, thank you for that clarification, Shawn. ‘Spirit form’ was just so vague.
“So I’m talking to a ghost?” she said in disbelief.
“Yes, you are.” Shawn’s ghost replied.
That’s totally normal.
“I must be going insane.” Terra muttered.
“Don’t worry, you’re perfectly sane. I heard what you said at your funeral,
What is this, The Sixth Sense? Terra’s really been dead the whole time?
and decided to visit you one last time.”
“Thanks Shawn, that’s sweet of you.”
...yeah, sweet is the word I’d use there. Sure.
“No problem. Well I have to go now, bye!”
“Bye Shawn, thanks for letting me talk to you one last time!”
Give it up for John Edward, everybody.
Chapter 4: Discussing
When Terra awoke up the next morning,
*facepalm*
she first told Austin of her late night encounter.
That sounds dirty.
“You, do, believe me right?” she asked.
“Of course I believe you Terra.”
Where the hell was Austin during this ‘late night encounter’, anyway?
“Thanks.” She answered. Terra walked to Sara and Greg’s trailer and Laura and Ryan were there too. She told them all what had happened.
“Sounds like you’re a nut case.” Greg smirked. Ryan laughed at this.
“Yeah, really Terra, talk about insane.” He added.
Greg and Ryan are well-known for their sensitivity.
“Guys, I believe her. I mean it’s perfectly logical, she did ask to see him one last time.” Sara replied.
I see that fic!me is a graduate of character!Stephen’s School of Logic and Reasoning.
“Whatever,” Greg answered, “Terra, be sure to watch out for squirrels.” He laughed. At that Ryan broke into laughter.
Hah! Ha! Get it? Squirrels like nuts? Get it? Hah! Aha, oh, that Greg.
“Ignore them Terra, it’s not their fault they’re men.” Laura added.
“Hey! We heard that!” they both exclaimed.
Of course you heard it. You’re in the conversation.
“And this would bother us, why, exactly?” Sara asked.
“Come on Ryan, this place is getting so full of nuts, we’re going to need a few squirrels soon!” Greg laughed.
Haha! Squirrels and nuts! So fu-wait. Why does this feel familiar?
They both walked out the trailer laughing as hard as they could.
“We believe you Terra.” Laura and Sara both added.
“Thanks guys.” Terra replied. Just then Ryan and Greg walked in they were both as white as sheets.
I hope nobody tried to iron them.
“Hey guys, what’s wrong? It looks like you both just saw a g-”
“Don’t say it!” They both answered sharply. Terra heard a voice in her ear.
“I think they will believe you now.” It said. Terra smiled. The voice was gone as soon as it had came, but Terra didn’t care, she knew who it was.
Well, wasn’t that nice of Shawn to stay around just long enough to scare the shit out of Greg and Ryan?
THE END!
Not quite.
A Spirit
Oooooh.
By: Sara Coburn
Chapter 1: The investigation
(You know the drill!)
Ten-hut!
“We should call the police!” Terra exclaimed.
Silly Terra. Earth logic is for kids.
“Good idea!” Ryan replied, “I’ll go do that now.” When the cops arrived they investigated the scene for two hours.
...two hours.
They finally came up with the conclusion that it was a suicide.
Note to younger self: Police investigations: You’re doing it wrong!
“It took them that long, to figure that out?” Greg asked incredulously.
Considering it would, in reality, take them considerably longer to investigate, perform an autopsy, and get all the findings back, two hours is quite speedy, Greg.
“No, it wasn’t a suicide.” Greg said sarcastically. “It was an accident. Yep, he accidentally wrote that note, then accidentally stabbed himself, and accidentally let himself bleed to death.” He finished.
There, there, Greg. *pats*
“OK Greg I think we get the picture.” Sara said calmly. She knew Greg tended to get uptight over these things,
Only Greg, though. Everyone else treated suicides very casually.
ever since he had saved her life.
Oh, and it’s only recent, his getting upset over suicides. It's not subject most people find upsetting, after all.
Greg held Sara in his arms. Greg was thinking, I’m so glad I didn’t do that to myself when Brad and Sara were about to get married, he thought. Otherwise I wouldn’t be standing her, holding her he thought, while looking at Sara, he was smiling.
That’s a really creepy thing to be smiling about.
Sara saw the smile on Greg’s face, so she asked,
(as fic!Sara) “Suicides perk you right up too, huh?”
“A penny for your thoughts?”
(as Greg) “Hey! I like to think my thoughts are worth more than a penny!”
“Oh I was just thinking about when you and Brad were about to get married. I seriously thought about killing myself, but now I’m glad I didn’t.” he answered.
Um.
“I’m glad too.” She stated before kissing him. While they were talking, Terra was trying to keep from crying.
Cheer up, Terra! It’s only a dead guy!
She still thought it was her fault. Austin tried talking to her, but she wasn’t listening. Sara walked over to Terra and sat down next to him.
Whoa, incorrect pronoun alert!
“Hey,” she said softly, “You going to be all right?”
“Yeah, I think I will, I just can’t believe he killed himself, over me!”
“It’s not OK, Terra, but It’s also not your fault, so stop blaming yourself.”
Emotions totally work that way, amirite?
“I know,” she replied.
“I think someone wants to talk to you, he seems very worried.” Sara said while pointing to Austin. Terra nodded.
Where the hell did Austin wander to that I needed to point to him?
“Right, thanks Sara.” After she gave her friend a hug, she went over to Austin.
Chapter 2: The funeral
After about a week, everyone was called together to say goodbye to Shawn, for the last time.
About a week. The story doesn’t know for sure.
At the funeral, Sara asked to speak.
“Everyone, I would like to say something.” She started. “I only met Shawn once, he seemed like a very cool person though.
Totally rockin’ dude, that Shawn.
He was funny, and I could see why Terra had dated him in high school. It is most unfortunate
Apparently, now I’m Jeeves.
that he had to end his life so early, because I’m sure he would have been very successful. I also know, that Terra will be thinking this as her fault for quite some time. Please do not treat this as a joke, because it’s not.
(as fic!Sara) “And I demand to know who hired that clown!”
This is just another reminder of what bottling up your feelings can lead to. We need to help prevent this in anyway possible. I hope his soul may rest in peace. God Bless.”
God BlessTM: Guaranteed miracle or your money back!
When she was done everyone clapped, and Terra mouthed a “Thank-you.” In Sara’s direction. Greg then asked to speak, a few people were startled at this.
Greg had recently dedicated his life to becoming a mime, you see.
“Hi everyone. I guess a few of you are startled to see me up here being serious, because I very seldom am.
Dude, I think most people expect even funny people to be serious at funerals. It’s not a constant, never-ending state.
But this particular situation relates to me. A couple months ago, when Sara and Brad were planning on getting married,
Has it been a couple months already? My, how time flies when you’re in Bizarro Land.
I was heartbroken. I had seriously thought about killing myself.
Oh, of course you did.
And after Sara told me she didn’t love me I was ready to do it.
I wonder if he would’ve killed himself in my trailer.
But she was my friend and listened to me and eventually fell in love with me. Now I’m not saying this would have happened, but something could have happened for Shawn. I am so sorry, that this has happened. I can’t wish more that history had been different, but it wasn’t, and no one can do anything about that now. It’s too late.
Thank you for that uplifting sentiment.
We need to stop these types of things before they happen, and get rid of all the ‘too lates’ of the world. Thank-you.”
Did that sound like the ending of a self-help seminar to anyone else?
After he was finished everyone applauded. Terra was next.
“Hi, well I guess I feel really sad right now,
She’s not sure, though.
and Sara was right I do kind of feel like this whole thing was my fault. I know it isn’t, and that I shouldn’t think that, but I wish he would have came and talked to me about it. It would have been so much better, and he would probably still be alive. If I got one more chance to talk to him,
Remember that last part. You’ll see why later.
I would tell him, that he could have talked to be and I would have been here for him. I will always be his friend. I hope he can hear this.” At that she broke into tears.
There, there, Terra. *pats*
Chapter 3: Shawn Returns
Oh, god, I hope there are zombies.
After the funeral, Terra headed back to her trailer.
...you mean the trailer where Shawn killed himself only a week ago? Eugh.
It was night and she was very tired.
That must’ve been some long funeral.
She was about to close her eyes, when she heard a faint whispering. “Hmmm, it must be the wind.” Terra said out loud. But then she heard a distinct voice.
“Hey Terra, it’s me Shawn.” The voice whispered.
Oh, man, Terra’s hearing voices!
“B-But Shawn how can you be talking to me, you are supposed to be dead.”
Just because he’s dead doesn’t mean he has to take it lying down.
“I’m in spirit form, or otherwise I’m a ghost.”
Oh, thank you for that clarification, Shawn. ‘Spirit form’ was just so vague.
“So I’m talking to a ghost?” she said in disbelief.
“Yes, you are.” Shawn’s ghost replied.
That’s totally normal.
“I must be going insane.” Terra muttered.
“Don’t worry, you’re perfectly sane. I heard what you said at your funeral,
What is this, The Sixth Sense? Terra’s really been dead the whole time?
and decided to visit you one last time.”
“Thanks Shawn, that’s sweet of you.”
...yeah, sweet is the word I’d use there. Sure.
“No problem. Well I have to go now, bye!”
“Bye Shawn, thanks for letting me talk to you one last time!”
Give it up for John Edward, everybody.
Chapter 4: Discussing
When Terra awoke up the next morning,
*facepalm*
she first told Austin of her late night encounter.
That sounds dirty.
“You, do, believe me right?” she asked.
“Of course I believe you Terra.”
Where the hell was Austin during this ‘late night encounter’, anyway?
“Thanks.” She answered. Terra walked to Sara and Greg’s trailer and Laura and Ryan were there too. She told them all what had happened.
“Sounds like you’re a nut case.” Greg smirked. Ryan laughed at this.
“Yeah, really Terra, talk about insane.” He added.
Greg and Ryan are well-known for their sensitivity.
“Guys, I believe her. I mean it’s perfectly logical, she did ask to see him one last time.” Sara replied.
I see that fic!me is a graduate of character!Stephen’s School of Logic and Reasoning.
“Whatever,” Greg answered, “Terra, be sure to watch out for squirrels.” He laughed. At that Ryan broke into laughter.
Hah! Ha! Get it? Squirrels like nuts? Get it? Hah! Aha, oh, that Greg.
“Ignore them Terra, it’s not their fault they’re men.” Laura added.
“Hey! We heard that!” they both exclaimed.
Of course you heard it. You’re in the conversation.
“And this would bother us, why, exactly?” Sara asked.
“Come on Ryan, this place is getting so full of nuts, we’re going to need a few squirrels soon!” Greg laughed.
Haha! Squirrels and nuts! So fu-wait. Why does this feel familiar?
They both walked out the trailer laughing as hard as they could.
“We believe you Terra.” Laura and Sara both added.
“Thanks guys.” Terra replied. Just then Ryan and Greg walked in they were both as white as sheets.
I hope nobody tried to iron them.
“Hey guys, what’s wrong? It looks like you both just saw a g-”
“Don’t say it!” They both answered sharply. Terra heard a voice in her ear.
“I think they will believe you now.” It said. Terra smiled. The voice was gone as soon as it had came, but Terra didn’t care, she knew who it was.
Well, wasn’t that nice of Shawn to stay around just long enough to scare the shit out of Greg and Ryan?
THE END!
Not quite.