A well-deserved self-mock, volume four.
I have been remiss in posting this! Here is the fourth part of my ridiculous bad!fic series, starring a Sue version of me, my former best friend, and sadly, the barely-recognizable Whose Line is it Anyway? cast members. I apologize profusely to them all.
The Anonymous Prankster
By: Sara Coburn
I’m impressed I managed to spell anonymous correctly.
Chapter 1: The Tricks
It was a sunny morning and Sara had just been woken up by Brad. “Time to get up,” he said quietly.
I’m clearly running for president of The Redundancy Club Of Redundancy.
“I don’t wanna.” Sara said groggily.
Well, at least I’m in character right there.
“You have to it’s time to get ready.” He said. Sara looked at her calendar, and groaned.
“It’s April first, you know what that means!” she said annoyed.
What was my comma vendetta, seriously? Did they piss me off? What calendar am I looking at, anyway?
“Yeah, it means we’d better watch our backs!” he replied. He was talking about Drew, who always played a big prank on one of the cast members.
Well, naturally. How much do you want to bet the “big prank” will be totally ridiculous?
“I hope he plays it on Laura and Ryan.”
“I doubt it Sara, most likely it will be you and Laura”
“Why?”
Because you’re the Sues, duh!
“You guys are new, he always likes to play a prank on the new guests.”
“That is totally not fair!”
Like, totally! Soooo not kewl.
“I think it is!” he said smiling
“Yeah, of course you do, it means that it won’t be played on you!” she said in mock anger
Stop mocking anger. He didn’t do anything to you.
“So it does,” he said, then laughed at the expression on her face. “Oh come on it won’t be that bad!” he chuckled, then kissed her on the cheek.
“I know, I just wanted a kiss!” she said giggling.
Eugh. I think I now officially have diabetes.
“Oh come here you!” he said in mock annoyance.
I don’t approve of you mocking annoyance. She and I are buds.
Then grabbed her and gave her a bear hug.
Bears are godless killing machines, and someone named Then is hugging me like one, so-hey, nice, Then, whoever you are! Trying to kill fic!me. Good going.
“Hey, I’ve got an idea!” Sara said. “Let’s plan a prank on Drew!”
“Good idea!” Brad said.
Aw, that idea didn’t get to be capitalized.
“Ummm, Brad we might be able to plan better if you let me go.” She laughed.
Oh, so Brad is Then? Wait, he’s still holding onto fic!me? Yep, definitely trying to kill me. By smothering or crushing me, it appears.
“Oh right,” he said, then finally let her go, “Let’s get planning!”
Meanwhile............Laura and Ryan were talking in their trailer
Jesus, these period orgies are actually getting bigger! That’s incredible.
“So who do you think, the lucky ‘prankee’ will be this year?” Laura asked.
“Ummm, most likely you and Sara, because you guys are the newest guests.” Ryan answered
Good idea, story. Let’s repeat information we have already learned. That’ll make it stick.
“Ugh! Why, don’t we play a trick on Drew? You could get him back for all the tricks he’s played on you!” Laura suggested.
Why, that’s quite a coincidence!
“That’s a great idea! You deserve a kiss for coming up with that,” he said, then kissed her on the lips.
“Mmmmm, I need to think of great ideas more often!” she laughed.
Especially if that’s the only time he kisses you!
Chapter 2: The Mother of all Pranks
Well, I’m intrigued. Are you intrigued? You should be.
When everyone arrived on set, they all looked at Drew cautiously, like he was a bomb waiting to go off. “What’s everyone so quiet for?” Drew asked suddenly.
“Why are we being extra quiet?” Greg smirked. “Probably because everyone thinks you are like bee and will go away, if no one notices you.”
Was this what passed for clever when I was twelve? I feel ashamed.
“Very funny Greg.” He said.
“So who are you playing a prank on this year?” Greg asked.
“If I told you that it wouldn’t be much of a prank, now would it?” Drew answered.
“Will you stop answering my questions with questions! What are we playing ‘Questions Only’?” he asked
Dude, Greg, calm down. He only answered one of your questions with a question.
“What do you think?” Brad snickered.
Right, no one saw that coming.
“I think you should shut up, personally, who agrees with me?” No one moved or said anything.
“I think you’re the one they want to shut up, right guys?” A bunch of nods came in response to this question.
Poor Greg. What did he do to deserve this abuse?
Then everyone started to crack up. They were all too concerned with Greg to notice Drew sneak away. Sara finally noticed.
Observant bunch, aren’t we?
“Hey, where’s Drew?” she asked
“I don’t know,” Brad answered, but let’s use his leave of absence to our advantage. “Okay guys, which of you are planing to play a prank on Drew?” he asked.
Planing, not planning. So I assume there’s going to be a jet engine involved somehow.
Almost everyone smiled in answer to this.
Of course everyone’s planning to prank him, even though they never did before for some odd reason.
“That’s what I figured, so why don’t we all play the mother of all pranks on him and work together.” He finished. Everyone agreed and they started to plan.
Such efficient little worker bees we are. I’m sure there’s a good reason that we’re not, you know, doing our jobs.
Little did they know, that Drew was planning a big prank himself!
...wait, what? We totally did know! That’s the whole damn point. It’s why we’re planning a prank ourselves, actually. Do you not even know your own ridiculous plot, story?
Chapter 3: Playing the Pranks
Pretty soon, it was time to head back to their trailers, but when they each got to theirs, they found the entrance was blocked, due to wet cement. They all went back to the set.
...random wet cement, all around the trailers? Ooookay then. That’s normal.
“Nice one Drew.” Greg commented
“But I didn’t do it.” Drew insisted
Convincing!
“Yeah, OK whatever.” They all said, though no one believed him.
“I guess we are staying the night here.” Sara said.
Or you could, you know, go home. Where you should be going every night.
“Well things could be worse, I guess.” Brad said. At nine, everyone decided to find a place to sleep.
Hahaha, at nine? Early bedtimes for the Whose Line folk!
Drew chose the study, Brad and Sara chose the Library, Ryan and Laura found a spare room next to the library, and Greg chose a small room at the end of the hallway.
...what the hell. Study, library? Is this Clue? Where’s Mr. Boddy?
All of a sudden as everyone was getting set up, the lights went out, luckily, there happened to be a flashlight in the library. Brad flicked it on.
“Thank god someone left this incredibly convenient flashlight in this random library!”
“I wonder how the lights went out, it’s not even storming.” He stated.
Magic!
“Yeah, I wonder.” Sara said dryly. “How much do you want to bet it was Drew?”
“Yeah, you’re probably right.” Brad added.
“I’m always right,” she added playfully.
“Oh yeah?” he asked, then kissed her.
Great banter! *eye roll*
“Yep, sure am.”
“How do you figure?”
“Well I knew, you were going to kiss me after I said that.”
That can’t possibly have been because this is ridiculously predictable, now can it?
“Is that so?” he asked then kissed her again, a little more passionately this time. “Well did you know about that?”
“Nope, but that’s good, I like surprises.” She giggled.
“You are just too cute, did you know that?” he said, giving her a hug.
Damn, not another bear hug. I was hoping he’d try to kill fic!me again.
“Thank-you,” she said, “But I think we should go start our prank!”
“Good idea,” he replied.
Brad likes to note the good ideas as they come. Helps him keep track, because there are so few ever since his life became entrenched in absurdity.
“They headed out the door.”
Inexplicably, that's in quotes. A really stupid mistake, or has this bizarre magical studio starting talking now? You decide!
Chapter 4: The Prankster
Brad and Sara met the rest of the cast in the main area, and they put their plan into action.
I wonder what twelve-year-old me envisioned the “main area” to look like.
Sara went to where Drew was sleeping all as planned, but when she got there, no one was in there. Then, out of nowhere, someone grabbed her!
Dun dun dun! Dun dun!
She was thrown into a small room.
I really love how I don’t manage to see who grabs me.
“Where am I?” she wondered out loud. “Oh I hope Brad figures out that I’m missing!”
Oh woe is me if he doesn’t! I will be trapped forever! Even though I didn't even check the door to see if it was locked!
Meanwhile............
Periods, dudes, don’t you get tired?
Brad was waiting for Sara to return, when she didn’t he said, “What’s taking her so long?”
“I don’t know.” She should have been back by now thought.” Laura said.
Hi, random quotation mark. Are you lost?
“Well we should go look for her,” Ryan added. As they were walking down the hall they bumped into Drew.
Literally? Was it like bumper cars?
“Hey, do you know where Sara is?”
“Nope, lost her have you?” Drew asked teasingly.
“Very funny, Drew, would you mind helping us look for her?” Brad asked.
How big could this “studio” possibly be, anyway? It apparently has a lot of random rooms.
“Sure, I guess.” He replied. As they walked down the hall, and were about to turn the corner, somebody grabbed them and then threw them into a room.
Wait, all of them? Brad, Drew, Ryan, and Laura? At the same time? That’s...a lot of people, three of whom are decidedly large/tall men. And no one saw who did it? The fuck?
“Where are we?” everyone said.
Of course they did. They share a brain. Hence us all being stupid.
All of a sudden Drew broke into laughter, and the door swung open. Standing there were Sara, Wayne, and Colin.
Hey, Wayne cameo! Hi, Wayne! Was he even mentioned anywhere previously?
“APRIL FOOLS!” They all yelled.
...that was kind of a stupid April Fools’ joke. And I still would like to know how three people grabbed four others without them noticing.
“Sara, you were in on this?” Brad asked incredulously.
“Well, not really, but when Colin, Wayne, and Drew grabbed me and told me all about their plan, I thought I’d join them.”
Sure, why not?
“You little traitor!” he said in mock outrage.
Now you're mocking outrage? Seriously, you've gone too far.
“Come over here!” When she did, he kissed her, and gave her a hug.
I notice that there's been a lot of hugging in this story. I must’ve thought it was left out.
“OK, Drew you got us!” everyone said. “But just wait until next year!”
And the Unison Speech Fairy strikes again!
THE END!
Good!
Just wait until the next two parts. There is drama ahead!
The Anonymous Prankster
By: Sara Coburn
I’m impressed I managed to spell anonymous correctly.
Chapter 1: The Tricks
It was a sunny morning and Sara had just been woken up by Brad. “Time to get up,” he said quietly.
I’m clearly running for president of The Redundancy Club Of Redundancy.
“I don’t wanna.” Sara said groggily.
Well, at least I’m in character right there.
“You have to it’s time to get ready.” He said. Sara looked at her calendar, and groaned.
“It’s April first, you know what that means!” she said annoyed.
What was my comma vendetta, seriously? Did they piss me off? What calendar am I looking at, anyway?
“Yeah, it means we’d better watch our backs!” he replied. He was talking about Drew, who always played a big prank on one of the cast members.
Well, naturally. How much do you want to bet the “big prank” will be totally ridiculous?
“I hope he plays it on Laura and Ryan.”
“I doubt it Sara, most likely it will be you and Laura”
“Why?”
Because you’re the Sues, duh!
“You guys are new, he always likes to play a prank on the new guests.”
“That is totally not fair!”
Like, totally! Soooo not kewl.
“I think it is!” he said smiling
“Yeah, of course you do, it means that it won’t be played on you!” she said in mock anger
Stop mocking anger. He didn’t do anything to you.
“So it does,” he said, then laughed at the expression on her face. “Oh come on it won’t be that bad!” he chuckled, then kissed her on the cheek.
“I know, I just wanted a kiss!” she said giggling.
Eugh. I think I now officially have diabetes.
“Oh come here you!” he said in mock annoyance.
I don’t approve of you mocking annoyance. She and I are buds.
Then grabbed her and gave her a bear hug.
Bears are godless killing machines, and someone named Then is hugging me like one, so-hey, nice, Then, whoever you are! Trying to kill fic!me. Good going.
“Hey, I’ve got an idea!” Sara said. “Let’s plan a prank on Drew!”
“Good idea!” Brad said.
Aw, that idea didn’t get to be capitalized.
“Ummm, Brad we might be able to plan better if you let me go.” She laughed.
Oh, so Brad is Then? Wait, he’s still holding onto fic!me? Yep, definitely trying to kill me. By smothering or crushing me, it appears.
“Oh right,” he said, then finally let her go, “Let’s get planning!”
Meanwhile............Laura and Ryan were talking in their trailer
Jesus, these period orgies are actually getting bigger! That’s incredible.
“So who do you think, the lucky ‘prankee’ will be this year?” Laura asked.
“Ummm, most likely you and Sara, because you guys are the newest guests.” Ryan answered
Good idea, story. Let’s repeat information we have already learned. That’ll make it stick.
“Ugh! Why, don’t we play a trick on Drew? You could get him back for all the tricks he’s played on you!” Laura suggested.
Why, that’s quite a coincidence!
“That’s a great idea! You deserve a kiss for coming up with that,” he said, then kissed her on the lips.
“Mmmmm, I need to think of great ideas more often!” she laughed.
Especially if that’s the only time he kisses you!
Chapter 2: The Mother of all Pranks
Well, I’m intrigued. Are you intrigued? You should be.
When everyone arrived on set, they all looked at Drew cautiously, like he was a bomb waiting to go off. “What’s everyone so quiet for?” Drew asked suddenly.
“Why are we being extra quiet?” Greg smirked. “Probably because everyone thinks you are like bee and will go away, if no one notices you.”
Was this what passed for clever when I was twelve? I feel ashamed.
“Very funny Greg.” He said.
“So who are you playing a prank on this year?” Greg asked.
“If I told you that it wouldn’t be much of a prank, now would it?” Drew answered.
“Will you stop answering my questions with questions! What are we playing ‘Questions Only’?” he asked
Dude, Greg, calm down. He only answered one of your questions with a question.
“What do you think?” Brad snickered.
Right, no one saw that coming.
“I think you should shut up, personally, who agrees with me?” No one moved or said anything.
“I think you’re the one they want to shut up, right guys?” A bunch of nods came in response to this question.
Poor Greg. What did he do to deserve this abuse?
Then everyone started to crack up. They were all too concerned with Greg to notice Drew sneak away. Sara finally noticed.
Observant bunch, aren’t we?
“Hey, where’s Drew?” she asked
“I don’t know,” Brad answered, but let’s use his leave of absence to our advantage. “Okay guys, which of you are planing to play a prank on Drew?” he asked.
Planing, not planning. So I assume there’s going to be a jet engine involved somehow.
Almost everyone smiled in answer to this.
Of course everyone’s planning to prank him, even though they never did before for some odd reason.
“That’s what I figured, so why don’t we all play the mother of all pranks on him and work together.” He finished. Everyone agreed and they started to plan.
Such efficient little worker bees we are. I’m sure there’s a good reason that we’re not, you know, doing our jobs.
Little did they know, that Drew was planning a big prank himself!
...wait, what? We totally did know! That’s the whole damn point. It’s why we’re planning a prank ourselves, actually. Do you not even know your own ridiculous plot, story?
Chapter 3: Playing the Pranks
Pretty soon, it was time to head back to their trailers, but when they each got to theirs, they found the entrance was blocked, due to wet cement. They all went back to the set.
...random wet cement, all around the trailers? Ooookay then. That’s normal.
“Nice one Drew.” Greg commented
“But I didn’t do it.” Drew insisted
Convincing!
“Yeah, OK whatever.” They all said, though no one believed him.
“I guess we are staying the night here.” Sara said.
Or you could, you know, go home. Where you should be going every night.
“Well things could be worse, I guess.” Brad said. At nine, everyone decided to find a place to sleep.
Hahaha, at nine? Early bedtimes for the Whose Line folk!
Drew chose the study, Brad and Sara chose the Library, Ryan and Laura found a spare room next to the library, and Greg chose a small room at the end of the hallway.
...what the hell. Study, library? Is this Clue? Where’s Mr. Boddy?
All of a sudden as everyone was getting set up, the lights went out, luckily, there happened to be a flashlight in the library. Brad flicked it on.
“Thank god someone left this incredibly convenient flashlight in this random library!”
“I wonder how the lights went out, it’s not even storming.” He stated.
Magic!
“Yeah, I wonder.” Sara said dryly. “How much do you want to bet it was Drew?”
“Yeah, you’re probably right.” Brad added.
“I’m always right,” she added playfully.
“Oh yeah?” he asked, then kissed her.
Great banter! *eye roll*
“Yep, sure am.”
“How do you figure?”
“Well I knew, you were going to kiss me after I said that.”
That can’t possibly have been because this is ridiculously predictable, now can it?
“Is that so?” he asked then kissed her again, a little more passionately this time. “Well did you know about that?”
“Nope, but that’s good, I like surprises.” She giggled.
“You are just too cute, did you know that?” he said, giving her a hug.
Damn, not another bear hug. I was hoping he’d try to kill fic!me again.
“Thank-you,” she said, “But I think we should go start our prank!”
“Good idea,” he replied.
Brad likes to note the good ideas as they come. Helps him keep track, because there are so few ever since his life became entrenched in absurdity.
“They headed out the door.”
Inexplicably, that's in quotes. A really stupid mistake, or has this bizarre magical studio starting talking now? You decide!
Chapter 4: The Prankster
Brad and Sara met the rest of the cast in the main area, and they put their plan into action.
I wonder what twelve-year-old me envisioned the “main area” to look like.
Sara went to where Drew was sleeping all as planned, but when she got there, no one was in there. Then, out of nowhere, someone grabbed her!
Dun dun dun! Dun dun!
She was thrown into a small room.
I really love how I don’t manage to see who grabs me.
“Where am I?” she wondered out loud. “Oh I hope Brad figures out that I’m missing!”
Oh woe is me if he doesn’t! I will be trapped forever! Even though I didn't even check the door to see if it was locked!
Meanwhile............
Periods, dudes, don’t you get tired?
Brad was waiting for Sara to return, when she didn’t he said, “What’s taking her so long?”
“I don’t know.” She should have been back by now thought.” Laura said.
Hi, random quotation mark. Are you lost?
“Well we should go look for her,” Ryan added. As they were walking down the hall they bumped into Drew.
Literally? Was it like bumper cars?
“Hey, do you know where Sara is?”
“Nope, lost her have you?” Drew asked teasingly.
“Very funny, Drew, would you mind helping us look for her?” Brad asked.
How big could this “studio” possibly be, anyway? It apparently has a lot of random rooms.
“Sure, I guess.” He replied. As they walked down the hall, and were about to turn the corner, somebody grabbed them and then threw them into a room.
Wait, all of them? Brad, Drew, Ryan, and Laura? At the same time? That’s...a lot of people, three of whom are decidedly large/tall men. And no one saw who did it? The fuck?
“Where are we?” everyone said.
Of course they did. They share a brain. Hence us all being stupid.
All of a sudden Drew broke into laughter, and the door swung open. Standing there were Sara, Wayne, and Colin.
Hey, Wayne cameo! Hi, Wayne! Was he even mentioned anywhere previously?
“APRIL FOOLS!” They all yelled.
...that was kind of a stupid April Fools’ joke. And I still would like to know how three people grabbed four others without them noticing.
“Sara, you were in on this?” Brad asked incredulously.
“Well, not really, but when Colin, Wayne, and Drew grabbed me and told me all about their plan, I thought I’d join them.”
Sure, why not?
“You little traitor!” he said in mock outrage.
Now you're mocking outrage? Seriously, you've gone too far.
“Come over here!” When she did, he kissed her, and gave her a hug.
I notice that there's been a lot of hugging in this story. I must’ve thought it was left out.
“OK, Drew you got us!” everyone said. “But just wait until next year!”
And the Unison Speech Fairy strikes again!
THE END!
Good!
Just wait until the next two parts. There is drama ahead!