stained glass; chapter 8
stained glass: chapter 8
yunho ♥ jaejoong | yoochun ♥ fc | jaejoong ♥ bi/jihoon | bff!jaechun
romance | drama | angst | AU | R
+3,970 words
beta-ed by the lovely yaoi_hoshi. ♥ :D not yet.
summary: of drag queens and crime; lust denied and fulfilled.
warning: contains drag-queens!jaechun, mafia!homin and violence.
a/n: i know i'm mega-shupa-late. s-sorry? :x i have no other excuse but my life. i've just been busy. not gonna lie.
[ prologue][ one][ two][ three][ four][ five][ six][ seven]
--
Eight;
Tokyo, Japan-
The piquant smell of incense permeated the tatami-floored space, the scent swirling ghostly smoke around the portrait of a deceased man on the altar set in the center of the room. A man sat kneeling in front of the raised platform, both hands on the floor as he bowed deep and paid his respect.
In the picture, Tatsurou Kojima smiled as if he was going to live on to hundred years. He was not even thirty when he met his death in the hands of another man.
Takashi Kojima gritted his teeth, blinking back the tears that bit against his eyelids. He had mourned Tatsurou’s death for 100 days and he knew it was time to let his brother’s soul go in peace, but the deep seated grudge towards the man responsible for Tatsurou’s early demise was too much to be held down. Clenching his fist, he called out to his loyal men, his voice eerily low and murderous.
“I’ve been patient enough, out of respect for Tatsurou. But now it is time for us to get back what was taken from us. Jung needs to pay for what he had done.”
A man on his right side muttered, bowing deep in respect towards the leader of Hinodegumi clan.
“How should we proceed, Master?”
Takashi shot him a sharp look, enough to make the man shivered in fear. He looked around the room, at each and every face of twenty-or-so men that pledged loyalty to his clan.
“Do I have to tell you how to do everything? Tatsurou’s dead because of your incompetence! All of you are the reason my brother’s not here!” he bellowed, voice cracking under the weight of his anger.
The group of men bowed down deep, chorusing apologies and regrets to their leader.
“We’re sorry, Master! Please let us mend our mistake!”
Kojima stood up, skulking slowly towards one of the men who had spoken. Grabbing the poor fellow by the collar, he dragged him to a stand and stared into his frightened eyes.
“Get me Jung and I’ll forgive all of you. Better yet, find out what his precious possession…who he loves the most. He’s going to pay for Tatsurou’s death with blood!”
*
Yoochun sneezed, slipping further into his blanket and willing his body to stop shivering. He was out-cold for the whole day, trying to sleep off his fever so he would not miss another day of work. He was already absent for a week last month when Donghoon had roughed him up, and he didn’t want Mama to be mad at him for repeating the same mistake again.
Although what happened this time was far from similar, Yoochun couldn’t help but felt torn by the betrayal. He had listened to Jaejoong and Mama, and held his ground when Donghoon pressed him for another dirty romp at the alleyway. He told Donghoon to leave him alone if he couldn’t respect him as he should be respected, if he couldn’t love him as he should be loved. The wretched man didn’t take the rejection too well, unfortunately. He had slapped Yoochun hard across the face, kicked him and told him what a whore he really was, and all the love he was going to get was a cheap fuck at the back of the club. Nothing more.
Everyone had been right. Yoochun knew he had made the right decision to end things between him and Donghoon but now, the man was dead. Just a day after he told Donghoon to fuck off, the man was murdered by his wife, reasons for it unknown.
Yoochun had the feeling that the reason could have been him. Most likely it was him. Oh God.
It had been like a punch to the guts, and Yoochun felt nauseated thinking that he might have caused it to happen. The homicide littered every newspaper headlines and news report, and as much as he wanted to avoid it, he couldn’t. It seemed like it was all people were talking about these days. At the club, on the way back home, at the market, in the convenience store. In television, on the radio. Everyone was talking about the incident, debating on who was the real victim in the case. Details about the family came forth, and the issue of the wife’s long dependence to alcohols was found to be the likely cause for the murder. She was sentenced to life imprisonment, with no bail and no appeal.
Yoochun couldn’t bear to look at the sweet-faced woman who was Donghoon’s wife, and the pain he had indirectly inflicted on her. He knew the alcohols were just a tool for her to get through the hardships she had endured because of her cheating husband. The children were also a reminder of the mistakes he had made, because the news told him how affected they were by everything. They had lost both their parents, and all because of mistakes he could have corrected earlier.
And the wife’s brother, Shim Changmin’s friend. The boy who had begged for Yoochun to leave his brother-in-law so that peace and harmony can be restored to their home. They didn’t manage to meet in person but Yoochun knew Kim Junsu used to be happy in his life. His stout face looked like it had seen many smiles and laughter, his expressive eyes looked like they had once shone with hope and youthful strength. But the Kim Junsu he had seen in television and newspaper seemed miles apart from what he could have looked like in the past. Yoochun felt it, he knew by heart how the young man suffered from the brunt of the situation. He looked the most saddened of it all, and it was his tearful, full of regret face that Yoochun couldn’t bear to look at the most. He was of the same age as his younger brother Yoohwan, and just thinking of the bleak future he had unwittingly led the young man into was enough to bring him to his knees.
Never in his life did he ever feel as guilty as this. As torn and as emotional exhausted, as pained and as helpless. Kim Junsu made him aware that he was a catalyst to a family’s destruction, and Yoochun couldn’t even blame him because he knew Junsu was right.
He heard footsteps coming into the room and peeked from under his blanket, and saw Jaejoong carrying a tray of what seemed like food and medicine for him. Yoochun sighed, grateful of Jaejoong’s presence in his life. Without the older man, he didn’t know how he would survive this horrible, lonely life.
“Thank you, hyung.”
“Chun, you surprised me! I thought you were still sleeping!” Jaejoong yelled, nearly letting go of the tray he was holding.
Yoochun chuckled weakly. “I woke up a few minutes ago. Sorry, hyung.”
Jaejoong shook his head as he sat on the edge of the bed. Yoochun still looked sickly pale, and Jaejoong caressed his hair gently before helping the man to sit against the headboard.
“Are you feeling alright? Why don’t you sleep some more, you certainly could use the rest.”
Yoochun smiled weakly. “If I sleep any more than this, I’d better be dead.”
Jaejoong gasped. “Yoochun! That’s…”
Yoochun took a deep breath and exhaled.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t joke about that. I just…” he paused, thoughts and emotions all muddled up. “…I’m feeling better, hyung. So don’t worry okay?” He clutched Jaejoong’s hand in both of his palms, not looking straight into his friend’s eyes.
Jaejoong sighed and squeezed Yoochun’s hand, forcing him to look up into the older man’s eyes.
“I will stop worrying if you stop thinking too much.” Jaejoong started, sighing again. “It’s not your fault, Chun. I don’t know how many times I’d have to say it for you to believe it.”
“But…”
Jaejoong squeezed Yoochun’s hand again. “No but. It’s not your fault, you’ve done everything you can, everything that’s within your power and responsibility.”
Yoochun bit his trembling lips, tears filling his eyes and threatening to fall over the edges. “I can’t help it, hyung. Every time I close my eyes, I see their faces. The kids…they are all so young! I keep thinking of the times he had came to see me and how they could have waited for their father to come home…it pains me, hyung. I feel like I’ve brought this…catastrophe…upon them. I’m the cause of their suffering, hyung.”
Jaejoong pulled Yoochun close as the younger man began to sob. His heart was in pain too, seeing Yoochun like this. Death was never good news, even if it was someone they both loathed. When Jaejoong first heard of the murder, all he could think about was how Yoochun was going to take it. Guilt was among the things he had envisioned the gentle-hearted Yoochun would feel, so he was not really surprised when Yoochun fell sick because of it.
But enough was enough. Jaejoong knew for a fact that guilt would lead to nowhere but more pain and heartache.
“Chunnieyah, listen to me, okay?” Jaejoong coaxed, as he rubbed his friend’s back gently. “I know that you feel guilty, but like I’ve said countless of times before, it is not your fault, Chunnieyah. Yes, things might have turned out differently if you’ve done something about Donghoon earlier, but can we guarantee that it would be better than this? Are we confident that his wife will not kill him if you had dumped him earlier? We can’t and we aren’t, because that’s how fate works. I believe we each have our own destiny, dongsaeng. Donghoon could have been fated to meet his end in his wife’s hands, who knows?”
Yoochun looked up at Jaejoong in surprise. “Hyung!”
Jaejoong sighed. “It’s true, isn’t it? I’m not saying that Donghoon was really fated to be killed, I’m just saying that it could probably be that way and if it is, then it is not your fault. You didn’t tell his wife to kill him, you didn’t make Donghoon cheat on his wife, you didn’t ask for him to be a bad father…you knew nothing of those until after you had left him and he was dead. He lied to you, remember? He told you he was a single man, not a husband and a father of three. To be fair, he brought the death upon himself. He toyed with his family and played with you, so isn't it unfair that you have to suffer because of his cruel hands?”
Yoochun sniffled, cupping his face with his palms. “It’s unfair for his family too…”
“Of course, it’s unfair for everyone in this case. I sympathize with what the children had to go through, I really am. But they are far from being your responsibilities, Chunnie. They will have people looking after them and taking good care of their welfare.”
“But they will have the bad memories to accompany them for their lifetimes…they will remember how their mother killed their father...” Yoochun whispered brokenly, his body heaving with the force of his emotion. Jaejoong hugged him again, and this time, he couldn’t help but cry with him.
“And that Chunnie, is still not your fault. We both have our dark pasts, but we live, don’t we? The tears that they will shed will be their tears, and not yours. This will be their experience, their pain, their life. You can’t live for them, Chunnieyah, you can only live for you.”
*
Changmin hated midnights. It was when the city was most alive, vibrating with colors and sins and Changmin thought he couldn’t be sicker of it even if he tried.
Midnights reminded him of life unlived. Of pretenses and of lies. Of wishes that went unfulfilled. It was midnight when Changmin first encountered Jung Jihoon, the leader of their gang. Jihoon-hyungnim was the person who had not only saved him from death, but also the one who ruined his dreams and caused his life to turn to shambles. Jihoon killed his father because of debt unpaid. For the same reason, he kept Changmin alive, forcing him to be loyal and to live his life in the ways of the unlawful. He still couldn’t figure out whether he hated or adored the man, and each day at midnight, his feelings and thoughts would be at conflicts, warring against each other because he knew his life could have been better.
And it could have been much worse. He also knew that. Sometimes, it was easier to think that he had no other choice and thus, the life that he lived now was nothing but a natural sequence of fate. Deep inside though, Changmin was aware of his many chances. He had been younger and fuller of hope, and to think that he had to throw it all away because his life was now not his own was beyond ridiculous. At times, he blamed his father and his irresponsible ways. It was much easier when he had someone to blame for everything, and Changmin knew even if he missed his deceased father so badly, there was no way he could forgive him for ruining what could have been a glorious future.
Midnights were also the times when Changmin pondered about the people he had met since he was in the gang. Yunho-hyung, who he regarded as more than just a comrade, was the only person who Changmin had truly been loyal to. Jihoon was someone he knew he had to respect to be alive, but Yunho was someone he respected because he showed him the way to live. He was Changmin’s older brother and best friend, in the truest sense of the word. Yunho looked out for him, Yunho saved his life countless of times when they were in fights. As such, Changmin also knew he had bled a fair share of blood in defending Yunho when times called for it.
Yunho was a lonely person, despite his friendliness. He was easy to get along with, yet he closed up almost instantly when things got too intimate to his liking. There were things that were off-limits when conversing with Yunho, things like family, love and the future. Those were also the things Changmin hated to talk about the most, so when they were together, it was like two peas in a pod.
But like always, midnights were when things were most uncertain. Like tonight, when Yunho came into the lounge room at the group’s headquarter looking paler than he usually was. Changmin frowned when he saw the older male paced back and forth, sweating even when the air-conditioner was in full blast.
“Hyung, what’s wrong?” Changmin asked. Yunho stopped pacing and looked his way, expression grim.
“I kissed him…again.”
“What? Who? When?” Changmin was confused, but he knew the answer to all the questions he had asked. Yunho had kissed Jaejin, the top hostess at drag-club Aknyeo, and whose real name was Kim Jaejoong. And from Yunho’s disheveled look, it seemed like the kiss had been recent. Probably less than an hour ago. It only took 30 minutes to get to their office on foot, and if Yunho had been running, it could take less time than that. Yep, definitely less than an hour ago.
“Hyung…” Changmin sighed, dropping back onto the couch. “We’ve talked about this, haven’t we? It’s not…” he paused, searching for better ways to approach the issue and settling on their most basic concern. “…what if Hyungnim knows?”
Yunho sat down next to Changmin, groaning loudly. “I know! It’s the stupidest thing for me to do, Min, and I know it’s not going to turn out good in any way! Hyungnim likes him, he really likes him…” His voice trailed off, and his eyes began to haze. “…but I love him, Changmin. I’m in love with Jaejoong.”
Changmin’s heart stopped still. Yunho had told him about his feelings for Jaejoong, but he didn’t know that it would be as deep as this. Love wasn’t a simple thing for Yunho, Changmin knew that. Yunho was almost his soul twin. There was no way Yunho could have put himself in danger just because of mindless attraction. There must be a story behind it, one that Yunho never told or ever wanted to tell anyone.
“Hyung…what happened?” he started, and then realized Yunho possibly thought he meant about the kiss. “I mean, before the kiss. Something must have happened, right? You don’t just fell in love with someone like that. Love at first sight is not your kind of thing. You will only be charmed by someone you had already known inside and out. Kim Jaejoong…you’ve met him before, haven’t you?”
Yunho looked surprised and positively stricken. “How did you…?”
Changmin hailed out a sigh. “You’ve just confirmed my lucky guess with your reaction, hyung. So you’ve known Kim Jaejoong before. Why didn’t you tell Hyungnim you knew him? And Jaejoong…he should have-”
“-He didn’t know I knew him.” Yunho cut him.
Changmin frowned. “Huh? You said you’ve met him before…wait, I’m really confused right now.”
Yunho took a deep breath, one hand coming up to rest on his eyes as he leaned back against the couch.
“It was one-sided love. I admired Jaejoong from far, he was my idol when I was in high school. I used to follow him secretly, almost like a stalker. I watched him play with his band, I listened to him sing, talk, laugh…He was really beautiful back then, full of life and smiles. He is still very much beautiful now, but something had changed. I can see it every time I looked into his eyes. They look so sad, so...empty. It reminded me of my own self, of the things that I had been through. We have both changed, but inside, we are still the same person. The same cowardly Jung Yunho and the same beautiful Kim Jaejoong. I want to tell him the truth so much, I want him to remember me but I know he couldn’t. How could he remember someone he never really met? I was in the shadows, lurking and searching for him. When you’re under as much lights as Jaejoong is, you wouldn’t be able to see through the dark. I love him, Min, but I’m afraid I’m not the one he wants…and needs.”
Changmin heard the pain in Yunho’s voice, the perceptible shaking of his emotions. The rawness of Yunho’s affection touched him, and he empathized with his soul brother. Life had been cruel to Yunho, and like him, his family, future and love had been robbed off him in the hardest way possible. He was forced to live his life in fear, and no one could understand him better than Changmin.
“Hyung, when you said you kissed him, did he kiss you back?”
“Of course!” Yunho lifted his hand and frowned. “Alright, I knew I forced the first kiss on him, but even then he kissed me back. The second time, he knew I was going to kiss him and he allowed it. Same goes for the third time. This time though, he asked me to kiss him and I did. Why did you ask that?”
Changmin smiled wistfully. “If that’s the case, then I’d say your worries are unnecessary, hyung. It seemed to me that he likes you too. I can’t say that he’s in love with you like you’re in love with him, but it’s a good start, yes? If he wants you to kiss him then that means he is attracted to you in some ways...”
Yunho sighed, eyes darkening with uncertainty. “But he kissed Hyungnim too. That means he’s attracted to him too, right?”
Changmin bit his tongue. He forgot that was the main cause of Yunho’s dilemma. Hyungnim. He would really like to say Jaejoong was only kissing their leader because he was Jaejoong’s customer, but then again, the point could also apply to Yunho too. It could be that Jaejoong only let Yunho kissed him because it was part of the service. He couldn’t say for certain that Jaejoong’s kisses were a good mirror to his feelings. The only way to know who Jaejoong really liked was for Yunho to ask him himself, which Changmin knew Yunho was never going to do unless he was forced to do so.
“Hyung, I really don’t want to suggest this to you but I think it is the only way you could clear the doubts you had in mind.” Changmin started carefully. “You need to ask Jaejoong who he really likes.”
“I can’t do that!”
“Why not?”
“He will ask me why I ask him that, and I would have to tell him that I love him! That is…what if he rejects me? What if he tells me it’s not me who he likes?” Yunho answered with more questions, words all jumbled in panic.
Despite the seriousness of the situation, Changmin had to suppress his chuckle at seeing his friend all worked up.
“Relax, hyung, everything is not set in stones yet. It isn’t impossible, you know, for him to like you. But of course, there is also a possibility he sees both you and Hyungnim as guests he had to entertain.” Changmin said, smiling as he did. Honesty was his forte after all. He never lied to Yunho, and he was not going to start lying now. His smile turned bitter when he pondered about their life, and their dependence to the group just to have another day to breathe. Loyalty to the group and to their leader meant they had to sacrifice every little bits of their happiness, and Changmin knew how much that hurt. He had given up so many dreams just to be able to live.
“About Hyungnim…I know it would be impudent of me to say this but you shouldn’t think about him too much. This is your life, hyung, this is your love. Protect it with all you can, because it might be the only thing left in your life worth fighting for.”
“Changmin! That…you can’t say it like that!” Yunho clasped a hand over Changmin’s mouth and looked around. The door was closed but who knew someone could be snooping on their conversation? He was aware that it was too late to worry about that, but for the sake of their sanity, something was better left unsaid. Yunho had already been thinking this, and hearing it in Changmin’s words just made the idea more potent in his mind.
Changmin pushed Yunho’s hand away, glaring his way. Yunho gasped. There were tears in Changmin’s eyes, unshed as they were.
“You have to live and love, hyung. You have sacrificed many things for the group already. You even took a bullet to your chest and nearly died for the group, but enough is enough. I know Hyungnim saved you, but did you know that he also took away your dreams and your rights to own your life?”
Yunho looked away. He couldn’t bear to see the pain in Changmin’s gaze, because he knew he had the same kind of pain reflected in his own too.
Changmin continued, voice quiet but full of hope.
"Hyung-ah…this life we live…it’s not our own. It is made from fragments of what was stolen from us, our broken dreams and lost homes. And it is time for us to claim back what could have been ours. It is time for us to start living. Truly living.”
--[TBC]
yunho ♥ jaejoong | yoochun ♥ fc | jaejoong ♥ bi/jihoon | bff!jaechun
romance | drama | angst | AU | R
+3,970 words
beta-ed by the lovely yaoi_hoshi. ♥ :D not yet.
summary: of drag queens and crime; lust denied and fulfilled.
warning: contains drag-queens!jaechun, mafia!homin and violence.
a/n: i know i'm mega-shupa-late. s-sorry? :x i have no other excuse but my life. i've just been busy. not gonna lie.
[ prologue][ one][ two][ three][ four][ five][ six][ seven]
--
Eight;
Tokyo, Japan-
The piquant smell of incense permeated the tatami-floored space, the scent swirling ghostly smoke around the portrait of a deceased man on the altar set in the center of the room. A man sat kneeling in front of the raised platform, both hands on the floor as he bowed deep and paid his respect.
In the picture, Tatsurou Kojima smiled as if he was going to live on to hundred years. He was not even thirty when he met his death in the hands of another man.
Takashi Kojima gritted his teeth, blinking back the tears that bit against his eyelids. He had mourned Tatsurou’s death for 100 days and he knew it was time to let his brother’s soul go in peace, but the deep seated grudge towards the man responsible for Tatsurou’s early demise was too much to be held down. Clenching his fist, he called out to his loyal men, his voice eerily low and murderous.
“I’ve been patient enough, out of respect for Tatsurou. But now it is time for us to get back what was taken from us. Jung needs to pay for what he had done.”
A man on his right side muttered, bowing deep in respect towards the leader of Hinodegumi clan.
“How should we proceed, Master?”
Takashi shot him a sharp look, enough to make the man shivered in fear. He looked around the room, at each and every face of twenty-or-so men that pledged loyalty to his clan.
“Do I have to tell you how to do everything? Tatsurou’s dead because of your incompetence! All of you are the reason my brother’s not here!” he bellowed, voice cracking under the weight of his anger.
The group of men bowed down deep, chorusing apologies and regrets to their leader.
“We’re sorry, Master! Please let us mend our mistake!”
Kojima stood up, skulking slowly towards one of the men who had spoken. Grabbing the poor fellow by the collar, he dragged him to a stand and stared into his frightened eyes.
“Get me Jung and I’ll forgive all of you. Better yet, find out what his precious possession…who he loves the most. He’s going to pay for Tatsurou’s death with blood!”
*
Yoochun sneezed, slipping further into his blanket and willing his body to stop shivering. He was out-cold for the whole day, trying to sleep off his fever so he would not miss another day of work. He was already absent for a week last month when Donghoon had roughed him up, and he didn’t want Mama to be mad at him for repeating the same mistake again.
Although what happened this time was far from similar, Yoochun couldn’t help but felt torn by the betrayal. He had listened to Jaejoong and Mama, and held his ground when Donghoon pressed him for another dirty romp at the alleyway. He told Donghoon to leave him alone if he couldn’t respect him as he should be respected, if he couldn’t love him as he should be loved. The wretched man didn’t take the rejection too well, unfortunately. He had slapped Yoochun hard across the face, kicked him and told him what a whore he really was, and all the love he was going to get was a cheap fuck at the back of the club. Nothing more.
Everyone had been right. Yoochun knew he had made the right decision to end things between him and Donghoon but now, the man was dead. Just a day after he told Donghoon to fuck off, the man was murdered by his wife, reasons for it unknown.
Yoochun had the feeling that the reason could have been him. Most likely it was him. Oh God.
It had been like a punch to the guts, and Yoochun felt nauseated thinking that he might have caused it to happen. The homicide littered every newspaper headlines and news report, and as much as he wanted to avoid it, he couldn’t. It seemed like it was all people were talking about these days. At the club, on the way back home, at the market, in the convenience store. In television, on the radio. Everyone was talking about the incident, debating on who was the real victim in the case. Details about the family came forth, and the issue of the wife’s long dependence to alcohols was found to be the likely cause for the murder. She was sentenced to life imprisonment, with no bail and no appeal.
Yoochun couldn’t bear to look at the sweet-faced woman who was Donghoon’s wife, and the pain he had indirectly inflicted on her. He knew the alcohols were just a tool for her to get through the hardships she had endured because of her cheating husband. The children were also a reminder of the mistakes he had made, because the news told him how affected they were by everything. They had lost both their parents, and all because of mistakes he could have corrected earlier.
And the wife’s brother, Shim Changmin’s friend. The boy who had begged for Yoochun to leave his brother-in-law so that peace and harmony can be restored to their home. They didn’t manage to meet in person but Yoochun knew Kim Junsu used to be happy in his life. His stout face looked like it had seen many smiles and laughter, his expressive eyes looked like they had once shone with hope and youthful strength. But the Kim Junsu he had seen in television and newspaper seemed miles apart from what he could have looked like in the past. Yoochun felt it, he knew by heart how the young man suffered from the brunt of the situation. He looked the most saddened of it all, and it was his tearful, full of regret face that Yoochun couldn’t bear to look at the most. He was of the same age as his younger brother Yoohwan, and just thinking of the bleak future he had unwittingly led the young man into was enough to bring him to his knees.
Never in his life did he ever feel as guilty as this. As torn and as emotional exhausted, as pained and as helpless. Kim Junsu made him aware that he was a catalyst to a family’s destruction, and Yoochun couldn’t even blame him because he knew Junsu was right.
He heard footsteps coming into the room and peeked from under his blanket, and saw Jaejoong carrying a tray of what seemed like food and medicine for him. Yoochun sighed, grateful of Jaejoong’s presence in his life. Without the older man, he didn’t know how he would survive this horrible, lonely life.
“Thank you, hyung.”
“Chun, you surprised me! I thought you were still sleeping!” Jaejoong yelled, nearly letting go of the tray he was holding.
Yoochun chuckled weakly. “I woke up a few minutes ago. Sorry, hyung.”
Jaejoong shook his head as he sat on the edge of the bed. Yoochun still looked sickly pale, and Jaejoong caressed his hair gently before helping the man to sit against the headboard.
“Are you feeling alright? Why don’t you sleep some more, you certainly could use the rest.”
Yoochun smiled weakly. “If I sleep any more than this, I’d better be dead.”
Jaejoong gasped. “Yoochun! That’s…”
Yoochun took a deep breath and exhaled.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t joke about that. I just…” he paused, thoughts and emotions all muddled up. “…I’m feeling better, hyung. So don’t worry okay?” He clutched Jaejoong’s hand in both of his palms, not looking straight into his friend’s eyes.
Jaejoong sighed and squeezed Yoochun’s hand, forcing him to look up into the older man’s eyes.
“I will stop worrying if you stop thinking too much.” Jaejoong started, sighing again. “It’s not your fault, Chun. I don’t know how many times I’d have to say it for you to believe it.”
“But…”
Jaejoong squeezed Yoochun’s hand again. “No but. It’s not your fault, you’ve done everything you can, everything that’s within your power and responsibility.”
Yoochun bit his trembling lips, tears filling his eyes and threatening to fall over the edges. “I can’t help it, hyung. Every time I close my eyes, I see their faces. The kids…they are all so young! I keep thinking of the times he had came to see me and how they could have waited for their father to come home…it pains me, hyung. I feel like I’ve brought this…catastrophe…upon them. I’m the cause of their suffering, hyung.”
Jaejoong pulled Yoochun close as the younger man began to sob. His heart was in pain too, seeing Yoochun like this. Death was never good news, even if it was someone they both loathed. When Jaejoong first heard of the murder, all he could think about was how Yoochun was going to take it. Guilt was among the things he had envisioned the gentle-hearted Yoochun would feel, so he was not really surprised when Yoochun fell sick because of it.
But enough was enough. Jaejoong knew for a fact that guilt would lead to nowhere but more pain and heartache.
“Chunnieyah, listen to me, okay?” Jaejoong coaxed, as he rubbed his friend’s back gently. “I know that you feel guilty, but like I’ve said countless of times before, it is not your fault, Chunnieyah. Yes, things might have turned out differently if you’ve done something about Donghoon earlier, but can we guarantee that it would be better than this? Are we confident that his wife will not kill him if you had dumped him earlier? We can’t and we aren’t, because that’s how fate works. I believe we each have our own destiny, dongsaeng. Donghoon could have been fated to meet his end in his wife’s hands, who knows?”
Yoochun looked up at Jaejoong in surprise. “Hyung!”
Jaejoong sighed. “It’s true, isn’t it? I’m not saying that Donghoon was really fated to be killed, I’m just saying that it could probably be that way and if it is, then it is not your fault. You didn’t tell his wife to kill him, you didn’t make Donghoon cheat on his wife, you didn’t ask for him to be a bad father…you knew nothing of those until after you had left him and he was dead. He lied to you, remember? He told you he was a single man, not a husband and a father of three. To be fair, he brought the death upon himself. He toyed with his family and played with you, so isn't it unfair that you have to suffer because of his cruel hands?”
Yoochun sniffled, cupping his face with his palms. “It’s unfair for his family too…”
“Of course, it’s unfair for everyone in this case. I sympathize with what the children had to go through, I really am. But they are far from being your responsibilities, Chunnie. They will have people looking after them and taking good care of their welfare.”
“But they will have the bad memories to accompany them for their lifetimes…they will remember how their mother killed their father...” Yoochun whispered brokenly, his body heaving with the force of his emotion. Jaejoong hugged him again, and this time, he couldn’t help but cry with him.
“And that Chunnie, is still not your fault. We both have our dark pasts, but we live, don’t we? The tears that they will shed will be their tears, and not yours. This will be their experience, their pain, their life. You can’t live for them, Chunnieyah, you can only live for you.”
*
Changmin hated midnights. It was when the city was most alive, vibrating with colors and sins and Changmin thought he couldn’t be sicker of it even if he tried.
Midnights reminded him of life unlived. Of pretenses and of lies. Of wishes that went unfulfilled. It was midnight when Changmin first encountered Jung Jihoon, the leader of their gang. Jihoon-hyungnim was the person who had not only saved him from death, but also the one who ruined his dreams and caused his life to turn to shambles. Jihoon killed his father because of debt unpaid. For the same reason, he kept Changmin alive, forcing him to be loyal and to live his life in the ways of the unlawful. He still couldn’t figure out whether he hated or adored the man, and each day at midnight, his feelings and thoughts would be at conflicts, warring against each other because he knew his life could have been better.
And it could have been much worse. He also knew that. Sometimes, it was easier to think that he had no other choice and thus, the life that he lived now was nothing but a natural sequence of fate. Deep inside though, Changmin was aware of his many chances. He had been younger and fuller of hope, and to think that he had to throw it all away because his life was now not his own was beyond ridiculous. At times, he blamed his father and his irresponsible ways. It was much easier when he had someone to blame for everything, and Changmin knew even if he missed his deceased father so badly, there was no way he could forgive him for ruining what could have been a glorious future.
Midnights were also the times when Changmin pondered about the people he had met since he was in the gang. Yunho-hyung, who he regarded as more than just a comrade, was the only person who Changmin had truly been loyal to. Jihoon was someone he knew he had to respect to be alive, but Yunho was someone he respected because he showed him the way to live. He was Changmin’s older brother and best friend, in the truest sense of the word. Yunho looked out for him, Yunho saved his life countless of times when they were in fights. As such, Changmin also knew he had bled a fair share of blood in defending Yunho when times called for it.
Yunho was a lonely person, despite his friendliness. He was easy to get along with, yet he closed up almost instantly when things got too intimate to his liking. There were things that were off-limits when conversing with Yunho, things like family, love and the future. Those were also the things Changmin hated to talk about the most, so when they were together, it was like two peas in a pod.
But like always, midnights were when things were most uncertain. Like tonight, when Yunho came into the lounge room at the group’s headquarter looking paler than he usually was. Changmin frowned when he saw the older male paced back and forth, sweating even when the air-conditioner was in full blast.
“Hyung, what’s wrong?” Changmin asked. Yunho stopped pacing and looked his way, expression grim.
“I kissed him…again.”
“What? Who? When?” Changmin was confused, but he knew the answer to all the questions he had asked. Yunho had kissed Jaejin, the top hostess at drag-club Aknyeo, and whose real name was Kim Jaejoong. And from Yunho’s disheveled look, it seemed like the kiss had been recent. Probably less than an hour ago. It only took 30 minutes to get to their office on foot, and if Yunho had been running, it could take less time than that. Yep, definitely less than an hour ago.
“Hyung…” Changmin sighed, dropping back onto the couch. “We’ve talked about this, haven’t we? It’s not…” he paused, searching for better ways to approach the issue and settling on their most basic concern. “…what if Hyungnim knows?”
Yunho sat down next to Changmin, groaning loudly. “I know! It’s the stupidest thing for me to do, Min, and I know it’s not going to turn out good in any way! Hyungnim likes him, he really likes him…” His voice trailed off, and his eyes began to haze. “…but I love him, Changmin. I’m in love with Jaejoong.”
Changmin’s heart stopped still. Yunho had told him about his feelings for Jaejoong, but he didn’t know that it would be as deep as this. Love wasn’t a simple thing for Yunho, Changmin knew that. Yunho was almost his soul twin. There was no way Yunho could have put himself in danger just because of mindless attraction. There must be a story behind it, one that Yunho never told or ever wanted to tell anyone.
“Hyung…what happened?” he started, and then realized Yunho possibly thought he meant about the kiss. “I mean, before the kiss. Something must have happened, right? You don’t just fell in love with someone like that. Love at first sight is not your kind of thing. You will only be charmed by someone you had already known inside and out. Kim Jaejoong…you’ve met him before, haven’t you?”
Yunho looked surprised and positively stricken. “How did you…?”
Changmin hailed out a sigh. “You’ve just confirmed my lucky guess with your reaction, hyung. So you’ve known Kim Jaejoong before. Why didn’t you tell Hyungnim you knew him? And Jaejoong…he should have-”
“-He didn’t know I knew him.” Yunho cut him.
Changmin frowned. “Huh? You said you’ve met him before…wait, I’m really confused right now.”
Yunho took a deep breath, one hand coming up to rest on his eyes as he leaned back against the couch.
“It was one-sided love. I admired Jaejoong from far, he was my idol when I was in high school. I used to follow him secretly, almost like a stalker. I watched him play with his band, I listened to him sing, talk, laugh…He was really beautiful back then, full of life and smiles. He is still very much beautiful now, but something had changed. I can see it every time I looked into his eyes. They look so sad, so...empty. It reminded me of my own self, of the things that I had been through. We have both changed, but inside, we are still the same person. The same cowardly Jung Yunho and the same beautiful Kim Jaejoong. I want to tell him the truth so much, I want him to remember me but I know he couldn’t. How could he remember someone he never really met? I was in the shadows, lurking and searching for him. When you’re under as much lights as Jaejoong is, you wouldn’t be able to see through the dark. I love him, Min, but I’m afraid I’m not the one he wants…and needs.”
Changmin heard the pain in Yunho’s voice, the perceptible shaking of his emotions. The rawness of Yunho’s affection touched him, and he empathized with his soul brother. Life had been cruel to Yunho, and like him, his family, future and love had been robbed off him in the hardest way possible. He was forced to live his life in fear, and no one could understand him better than Changmin.
“Hyung, when you said you kissed him, did he kiss you back?”
“Of course!” Yunho lifted his hand and frowned. “Alright, I knew I forced the first kiss on him, but even then he kissed me back. The second time, he knew I was going to kiss him and he allowed it. Same goes for the third time. This time though, he asked me to kiss him and I did. Why did you ask that?”
Changmin smiled wistfully. “If that’s the case, then I’d say your worries are unnecessary, hyung. It seemed to me that he likes you too. I can’t say that he’s in love with you like you’re in love with him, but it’s a good start, yes? If he wants you to kiss him then that means he is attracted to you in some ways...”
Yunho sighed, eyes darkening with uncertainty. “But he kissed Hyungnim too. That means he’s attracted to him too, right?”
Changmin bit his tongue. He forgot that was the main cause of Yunho’s dilemma. Hyungnim. He would really like to say Jaejoong was only kissing their leader because he was Jaejoong’s customer, but then again, the point could also apply to Yunho too. It could be that Jaejoong only let Yunho kissed him because it was part of the service. He couldn’t say for certain that Jaejoong’s kisses were a good mirror to his feelings. The only way to know who Jaejoong really liked was for Yunho to ask him himself, which Changmin knew Yunho was never going to do unless he was forced to do so.
“Hyung, I really don’t want to suggest this to you but I think it is the only way you could clear the doubts you had in mind.” Changmin started carefully. “You need to ask Jaejoong who he really likes.”
“I can’t do that!”
“Why not?”
“He will ask me why I ask him that, and I would have to tell him that I love him! That is…what if he rejects me? What if he tells me it’s not me who he likes?” Yunho answered with more questions, words all jumbled in panic.
Despite the seriousness of the situation, Changmin had to suppress his chuckle at seeing his friend all worked up.
“Relax, hyung, everything is not set in stones yet. It isn’t impossible, you know, for him to like you. But of course, there is also a possibility he sees both you and Hyungnim as guests he had to entertain.” Changmin said, smiling as he did. Honesty was his forte after all. He never lied to Yunho, and he was not going to start lying now. His smile turned bitter when he pondered about their life, and their dependence to the group just to have another day to breathe. Loyalty to the group and to their leader meant they had to sacrifice every little bits of their happiness, and Changmin knew how much that hurt. He had given up so many dreams just to be able to live.
“About Hyungnim…I know it would be impudent of me to say this but you shouldn’t think about him too much. This is your life, hyung, this is your love. Protect it with all you can, because it might be the only thing left in your life worth fighting for.”
“Changmin! That…you can’t say it like that!” Yunho clasped a hand over Changmin’s mouth and looked around. The door was closed but who knew someone could be snooping on their conversation? He was aware that it was too late to worry about that, but for the sake of their sanity, something was better left unsaid. Yunho had already been thinking this, and hearing it in Changmin’s words just made the idea more potent in his mind.
Changmin pushed Yunho’s hand away, glaring his way. Yunho gasped. There were tears in Changmin’s eyes, unshed as they were.
“You have to live and love, hyung. You have sacrificed many things for the group already. You even took a bullet to your chest and nearly died for the group, but enough is enough. I know Hyungnim saved you, but did you know that he also took away your dreams and your rights to own your life?”
Yunho looked away. He couldn’t bear to see the pain in Changmin’s gaze, because he knew he had the same kind of pain reflected in his own too.
Changmin continued, voice quiet but full of hope.
"Hyung-ah…this life we live…it’s not our own. It is made from fragments of what was stolen from us, our broken dreams and lost homes. And it is time for us to claim back what could have been ours. It is time for us to start living. Truly living.”
--[TBC]