(no subject)
i am a foul, wretched person. sick, disgusting. today's sermon was amazing. but somehow it still doesnt comfort me. i know we are saved by grace and we need to just talk to God and say i cant do this. i cant fight this sin anymore i dont know how. im scared to even say that. its like all of the stuff i learned growing up isnt in my brain anymore, or i just want to forget about it or something. i dont know whats wrong with me. i want to go back to fl. so bad but im scared im going to be a miserable wreck. i hate this place yet i love it. so much has happened to me here, with these people, this place. so much. how can i just walk away and not be torn up inside? my heart is already tearing, its ripping in so many places. i have never ever ever felt like this in my entire life. i have never had to love so many people so much then leave them like this. highschool was different we all come from the same place. this is wack. wiggity wack wack wack. so wack. i dont like it wack. i like it straight. i want things to be okay. OKAY. just OKAY. not phenomenal not amazing. just OKAY. but something tells me with God things can be better than OKAY. but for so long i have not thought that. i still dont know if i believe it. i dont know if i can. i dont know how to believe it. i really dont. i want things how i want them when i want them, and its done nothing but eat me from the inside out. i dont know how to change. i dont know how i got like this...it just happened. my heart..just happened. stuff just happens. stuff happens to people. why? i dunno. do i make sense? heck no, i know i dont.